How do I move on from this?

[StuckintheBellJar]

Have name changed, suprisingly.

My step father when I was a young teenager. He'd give me whisky till I passed out. I woke up in the act a couple of times covered in vomit.

He's dead now. He drank himself to death years ago.

I've never told a soul. Nor will I. My Dad is very protective of me but he has a temper and I'd be afraid for my mothers safety if it all comes out. It wasn't her fault. She had a very stressful job which involved shift work and an incredible amount of responsibility. She couldn't be at home much and when she was, she slept most of the time. Poor woman was exhausted.

My sex life has always been crap. I've got faking an organsm down to a fine art. However, I lose interest in the whole business after a while and the relationship always fizzles out. I'm alone now and probably always will be.

Here's the crazy bit: I get drunk and act out what happened. As in, I get drunk to the point of blacking out and sleep with wildly inappropriate people. No enjoyment. I end up hiding away in tears for weeks afterwards. I starve myself sometimes. I've lost a stone in three weeks. I live on redwine and tea. I have no children though did suffer several miscarriages.

How do I stop this destructive behavior? How?

Ok your call but will you seek help for yourself?

One positive of me posting here, I've made and eaten a proper meal this afternoon. First in days. Got to be a good sign, even if it was just soup and stale bread!

Stomach now hurts, off to fine the rennies

don't worry about talking to your mother. just go to therapy, for yourself.

there may be a point in the future when you change your mind and want to talk to her about it, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it, if you come to it at all.

i never sat down and talked to my mother about the sexual abuse i suffered because i didn't/don't trust her to know what to say, or what to do. in a strange way, that is my way of retaining control over my own memories. i don't want her minimizing them, or trying to deny them because she can't face them.

what happened to you belongs to you. you can tell whoever you choose to. which also means you can not tell whoever you choose not to.

talking to a therapist is an ideal middle ground because they are neutral. and they are there for you. they've got no ulterior motives so you can simply rely on them for help and support... without wondering how your disclosure will affect them. when you're in the early days of recovery, that's what you need.

i'm so glad you've eaten OP, that is really encouraging to read.

Yes oikipolis I think you're right actually. I hadn't considered that OP's mum's reaction could be hurtful to her.

I think that no matter how busy my mum was, if I was being abused on a regular basis by her husband, I would feel she had allowed that to happen. I know that's not fair, but I feel so strongly that a mother's there to defend her child.

You are taking responsibility for her happiness. You are being her mother now. You need her to be your mother. You weren't parented well as a child; you need now to feel parented. You can't get past what happened to you, yet you are trying to protect the woman who should have protected you.

Just out of interest, if your mum had asked you further questions on that day about your stepfather, how would you have responded? If she'd not taking your answer at face value, would you have told her everything?