How do I move on from this?

[StuckintheBellJar]

Have name changed, suprisingly.

My step father when I was a young teenager. He'd give me whisky till I passed out. I woke up in the act a couple of times covered in vomit.

He's dead now. He drank himself to death years ago.

I've never told a soul. Nor will I. My Dad is very protective of me but he has a temper and I'd be afraid for my mothers safety if it all comes out. It wasn't her fault. She had a very stressful job which involved shift work and an incredible amount of responsibility. She couldn't be at home much and when she was, she slept most of the time. Poor woman was exhausted.

My sex life has always been crap. I've got faking an organsm down to a fine art. However, I lose interest in the whole business after a while and the relationship always fizzles out. I'm alone now and probably always will be.

Here's the crazy bit: I get drunk and act out what happened. As in, I get drunk to the point of blacking out and sleep with wildly inappropriate people. No enjoyment. I end up hiding away in tears for weeks afterwards. I starve myself sometimes. I've lost a stone in three weeks. I live on redwine and tea. I have no children though did suffer several miscarriages.

How do I stop this destructive behavior? How?

I think you need professional help. Initially perhaps your GP could refer you to the appropriate services. Good luck.

Have you had any professional help? If not, GP first thing tomorrow x

No. This is my dirty secret. Nobody on earth knows though I think my ex suspected. He had the good sense not to try and touch me where it hurt (emotionally I mean).

The only other person who knew is rotting in hell.

Seeing it on the screen like this, if this was anybody else I'd be shocked. But that's me, wow.

But what could a GP do? It was twenty years ago and theperpetraitor is long dead. It's not as if a criminal prosecution is on the cards. Can you get counselling for adults like this?

YOU are not dirty, you did nothing wrong - im glad your step father is dead (i never thouht id say that about anyone but there you are).

Please get some counselling, go to your GP, it doesn't have to come out, what would be the point but you will be able to talk it through and move on and have the happy life you deserve.

Stop punishing yourself, you have done nothing wrong

Also, there is a thread on here for survivors of sexual abuse - im sure you woudl get lots of support there, if you wanted to.

Yes you can get counselling and support, and just discussing it with someone may be the first step for you. please go to the gp. good luck x

I'll have a look. I was actually really annoyed when he died. I was enjoying watching him vomit blood and weep in pain.

A GP can refer you to someone who will help and counsel you, and get you past this. They wont wipe your memory, but they will certainly help you to face the future with some optimism and be equipped to deal with this, to stop blaming yourself, and to stop carrying on emotionally punishing yourself for something that was not your fault.

My husband had counselling, as he had struggled with anxiety and depression for two decades about something that happened in his life. It helped immensely and he is like a different person now 95% of the time. He still has bad days occasionally, but he can talk himself through them now and copes. He knows that what happened was not his fault (a death in the family that he blames himself for as he wasnt there to stop the person doing what they did, and had fallen out with that person prior to the accident that killed them). I know it isnt the same sort of thing as what has happened to you, but it did overtake his life for a long time, and affected him badly.

I have an appointment for something else. I'll try to ask. Not sure how you approach it though.

"Cheers for the antibiotics, now can I have some counselling because of my pervert of step father?" I'd imagine he'd think I was just after some attention. I'm an adult, this shouldn't be affecting me still.

Please, please go to the GP, who can refer you to someone who can help. You need to explore this with someone who has experience of helping people who have had similarly traumatic experiences. Don't bear this alone; you can get through it and come out the other side with self esteem and bring an end to your self-destructive pattern of behaviour. Have courage - you've already shown so much to get this far. I wish you the very best of luck.

Honey please don't think this - he will not think anything, you don't have to tell him anything if you don't want to. You ask to be referred to counselling, tell him that something happened in your past that you need help dealing with. He will make the referral, you will have an assesment appointment and will be assigned to the appropriate person who can help you best.

No one who this has happened to would not be affected as an adult, don't let this ruin your life anymore - you deserve to be happy.

I am not sure if you need a GP referral to get counselling on the NHS but i imagine you do, but im sure there will be someone on that other thread who can advise you where the best place is to go for help. Also maybe give the samaritans a call as they will have access to the appropriate services.

One thing your doctor wont think, is that you are attention seeking, i promise you xx

I bear everything alone. I have a snazzy career with posh suits and a nice flat. People are jealous of me - until I get drunk and then they're just disgusted.

No Dr worth their salt would EVER think that someone disclosing sexual abuse was attention-seeking, even if it was a 100 yr old still traumatised by their past.

The reason why you're not past this is because you are trying to ignore it and make it go away. Understandable, but it's like putting plaster after plaster over a gaping wound; you need the correct, much more intensive treatment to heal it all up. And that treatment is counselling. Of course, you can get counselling for this stuff as an adult. There is no time limit on how long terrible things can hurt and affect a person (if only there was). So please stop beating yourself up by telling yourself that as an adult, you should get over it. My Great Uncle is 102 and he still gets upset thinking aout his mother who died in the spanish flu epidemic at the end of WWI, when he was barely 10.

What happened to you was appalling. Do not continue your abuser's work by hating yourself and denying yourself happiness and healing. You sound amazingly brave; please see your GP and get the help you need. Or, if you can afford it, you could pay for your own private counselling. Many private practitioners specialise in helping adult survivors of abuse and incest. I wish you well, OP.

Just seeing this on the screen is somehow cathartic.

I've never, ever spoken of this or written it down before. It's not even in my diary for those years.

Thank you.

Ah, x-post. You say you have a snazzy career, in which case, you could just go straight to finding out about private therapists. There will be many places online you can find resources from, rape crisis, Samaritans, etc.

Also, I don't believe people find you disgusting at any time. I believe that is projecting your own self-loathing onto others. Your behaviour is a cry for help, you know it is. You're trying to recreate the abuse so you can work through it that way, but it won't work, because your body is long healed. It is your mind that is still hurting, your mind that needs to do the work x

So you have a snazzy career and nice flat. Thats great, it shows that despite what happened to you, you remain strong and able to do well. Some people would just curl up in a ball - take some of that strength to face this thing head on and exorcise it from your life once and for all.

Is it just when you drink that you do this? Do you think that a blanket ban on alcohol would help? I know that is actually a big ask, but it is such a trigger for what happened to you in the past. Also alcohol is a depressant and i certainly have too many cringe making moments surrounding alcohol in the past. You need to get to a place in your head where you associate alcohol with happy things and not a spiral into pusnishing yourself.

You do sound so incredibly brave, i think people are jealous because you are stronger than you think xx

i would start looking for a private therapist OP. start looking around for someone who has a childhood sexual abuse recovery focus, possibly a bit of a trauma counselling thrown in there.

you are not abnormal. your coping mechanisms make perfect sense. you've been re-enacting a horrible situation in hopes that you will one day "master" it - that is exactly what you should do. the only difference is, you need proper support in order to do it in a way that actually does enable you to master it - right now, you have no "guide" for this territory so you find yourself stuck in it, iyswim.

the therapist can be your guide though. so you can finally find your way out of the labyrinth.

your other behaviours, like not eating, feeling disgust for yourself - those are all very very common things that survivors do/feel. again, they are understandable and if you had someone to support and guide you, you would be able to "come out the other side" of these things iyswim.

the emotions that drive these things, are actually TRUE and valid and correct... the only problem is, they're being directed to the wrong person (you) when they should be channeled towards the "right" people, including your abuser. once you change the direction of the emotions, all the righteous anger and pain pours out, and once it's out, you start to heal and move on. it's like lancing an infected wound, you've got to get all the poison out, and that part is painful, but once it's done you start to feel better. having a "nurse" (your therapist) there, to tell you it will be OK and to care for the wound while it heals, makes all the difference.

you are not alone and nor are you "attention-seeking" etc for not having "got over" this terrible sequence of events in your life. this is the sort of thing that profoundly changes and frequently haunts people. you have a right to be in pain about it. nobody could blame you for that. you poor thing, i am so sorry this horrible man did this to you and left you in this state.

OP - Really, really feel for you and am so sorry for the abuse inflicted on you by your awful SF.

You have taken a massive step forward by posting on here and I hope that you will eventually find peace of mind.

I was also going to suggest professional counselling as think that it is the only way that you will be able to deal with your horror at the dreadful events which took place.

With very best wishes, x

I hate to think of you bearing this alone. Do you have any siblings or close female friends?

If you have the money, I think you should head straight for private therapy. You sound as though you desperately need someone to talk to and if you can't bear to talk to your family or friends about it, a counsellor will be able to help you.

I agree with the poster who said a self-imposed ban on alcohol would be a healthy thing now. There are too many bad associations - both from your youth and from your immediate past - for you to enjoy it. You don't need to tell anyone why. You can say you're on a health kick.

I wonder whether you nurture yourself in other ways. Are all of your friends good friends? Do you accept less than you should in a relationship or friendship? What is your relationship like with your mum now?

I'm so sorry you were abused and assaulted as a child. Of course you would still be affected by it as an adult. Most survivors of childhood sexual abuse somehow blame themselves as hinted at by your "dirty little secret". The self blame seems to be to do with with not having told at the time & therefore "allowing" it to continue. The fact is you were a child & were not equipped to be able to tell your mum or make him stop. Counselling & maybe CBT is a way forward. I'm sure you can get free specialist help. Please see the link www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php
You deserve a happy life & future relationships & children if you want them. Don't let the bastard give you a life sentence & please accept the support you need. Good luck lovely. Let me know how it goes.

No more booze. Can do that. Though there are bottles and bottles of it in the kitchen.

My relationship with my Mother is fine. All very normal. She did once ask if He had ever made a pass at me, I said no. She idolises that man and breaking her illusions would seemp pointlessly cruel at this point in her life.

I think you should tell her the truth. There must be a reason she asked Then you can help each other.

One thing I cannot do, is pile more guilt on a sick, old woman who fundamentally didn't cause the problem I'm now dealing with. I did try to tell her once when I was a teenager, but I'd already been accused of flirting with him (I was 14 at the time) and the conversation trailed off and nothing more was said.

I don't want to open that can of worms again.