Husband doesn't want another kid...

[sandylion]

and I do. I guess this is maybe more of a letting it all out thread. We have a good relationship and a lovely DD who is only 5 months. As soon as she arrived I knew I would want another. We had always talked about kids plural. But from day one he has said he doesn't want anymore. He can't seem to explain why but he says he is not going to change his mind. My emotions swing from trying to accept this, sadness and anger. I know i need to accept it for the sake of our family and our relationship. I am sad because every little milestone with baby is the last time I'll experience it with a child of my own. I'm angry because I feel it came out of nowhere. We moved into a massive house from a flat. We talked about what would be the kidS rooms. Now I sit here and I am just reminded that I'll only be having one.

In a way I feel super selfish. I KNOW I AM DAMN LUCKY! I have a gorgeous healthy baby that was very much wanted and planned. I know people would kill for this. I just don't know how to move on because I think about it all the time. DD is nothing to do with DH decision. He adores her and she is a very easy baby. I know she is young but I have asked many times if he thinks in time he would want another and he always says no. I have stopped asking as I find it too sad. Of course everyone keeps asking whether I am enjoying motherhood (yes) and will we have another (errr??) and everytime they do it just consumes me.

God I sound like such a tool. Apologies and thanks for taking the time to read.

You don't sound like a tool whatsoever, I can tell you feel really upset by this.

Of course, if one person doesn't want another child, then you have to respect this.

However, in this situation, I'd be trying to find out why, immediately after the birth, he decided he didn't want another child. It seems very sudden, very definite and it's hard to see what's behind that, especially as it doesn't seem to be that your dd is very difficult/crying baby.

I can understand your sadness, I felt the same with my second, it's the feeling you won't be doing it again.

I would want to know more about why, just saying 'no' in such a blanket fashion when the assumption appears to have been you'd like a bigger family would leave me wanting more of an explanation.

It may not change his mind, but it might allow you to understand this thought process, even if you don't agree with it.

Is there anything fundamentally wrong with your relationship? Are there financial problems? Anything, in short, that would make adding a baby to the mix seem like a bad idea. If there's nothing wrong, who looks after the contraception?.... 'accidents' often happen.

Thanks for your replies! I know we need to have a bigger conversation and I have tried to push him (gently) for further explanation of his feelings but I can't really get out of him what "it" is. I know I could never bully him into having another baby it's not fair for anyone concerned but I think that is maybe how he feels when we talk about it and I get upset. Our relationship in general is good, no money worries. We've been together 8 years and married 3. We have the odd fiery fight (because I can be quite fiery) but generally we see eye to eye on most things, have a lot in common. Still fancy each other! He is an amazing dad. Gets up with LO at the weekends and in the mornings and makes a lot of her. Always saying to her directly he can't wait for the weekend so he can spend lots of time with her :) it warms the cockles of my heart! If he was a bit shitter it might make things easier!

In terms of contraception it's condoms for us as the pill doesn't agree. I would NEVER intentionally have an accident as I would never forgive myself but I do think in the back of my head how great it would be if a contraception failure happened! How twisted is that!

I think 5 months is too soon to make such decisions.

Either about having another or about not having another.
People change. You and him.
Why don't you leave it a few more months and re-evaluate your positions?

TBH, I have always wanted 3 children, but after DS I was not that keen on having another. It was not the right time, due to work, H (at the time) having MH problems, etc. But I wouldn't have one anyway right after DS.

Pushing him may do more harm than good.

You are not being selfish, as you said you always talked about children plural.
We have been ttc #2 (would be our 2nd, we have 4 between us) for around 2 years, H had a procedure which may have affected his fertility, he was supposed so go back to doctors 2 weeks ago, was vague when I asked how he got on, then dropped it on me on saturday that he didn't bother going as he doesn't see the point, no discussion!
Yes I am upset at the thought of no more children, but I can't get past the deception, so for us it's game over. I have no idea where he is right now, went out a few hours ago, didn't bother even saying goodbye to the children. Tomorrow will be spent trying to find a solicitor

Wineoclockalready poor you! And to have been trying for such a long time this must be heartbreaking!

I am not going to push him on it anymore. The only reason I ever brought it up was because we had always discussed having children quite close together. In fact he was the one who brought it up first when LO was maybe a week old saying he didn't want anymore! I though it might have just been that he felt so much love for her he couldn't imagine loving another the same way but it's not that either apparently. My siblings and I are all quite close in age and I have very fond memories of my childhood. Lots of fighting but lots of laughs and my Dsis is my best friend. I do wonder if his more distant and strained relationship with his sister has something to do with it but he says no.

Thanks for all your advice!

Dh was still shell shocked at the massie change in our lives caused by dss arrival when he was that age. No way could he countenance another. Me too!

My pangs crept in much later. Ds1 was around 2 and I began thinking it might be nice. Didn't discuss it with dh then as I was sure what the answer would be, and for the most part I was happy with an only. It wasn't until he was 3.5, possibly older even that those pangs turned into a longing that couldn't be switched off. I broached it. Dh wasn't vehemently anti thankfully, but was bewildered and unsure.

A couple of months before ds's 5th birhday, we were away on a massive family get together weekend and I was having a drunken chat with my sister re expanding families. Told her that by the end of the following year I wanted a puppy or a baby. Dh overheard. I didn't realise he had at the time, but a few weeks later he suddenly said out of the blue "You know how I don't really like dogs..." and that was it. Ds2 was born almost a year to the day after that conversation with my sis!

So yeah, it was a long time after I felt ready that dh did, but he got there.

As for the people who ask if you'll have any more, at that age you're perfectly justified in using the "Can't you let us enjoy our daughter/new family?!" line.

Well I think he is being quite cruel. He drops this bombshell and then doesn't give you the courtesy of an explanation. You are in a partnership not a dictatorship. He has moved the goalposts and the very least he owes you is a decent explanation and a decent talk about it.

Does he do this with other disagreements you have?

Wine, that's really sad. Maybe he doesn't want to go to the doctor because then he'll get a definite answer and be scared of letting you down. Much easier just to avoid that scary situation, even if it leads to you getting a solicitor against him. When you think you have fertility issues its horrible, it feels like you've lost control over this fundamental part of your body. Perhaps he feels that if he just doesn't know, he's losing you because of something he's DONE to you rather than something he can't give you?

(I say this as someone who suspects strongly she has fertility issues and really avoids sorting it out for this exact reason)

I think saying 'never again' a week after the birth of the first is pretty normal. It can be very traumatic for everyone. I certainly didn't think about having another til about six months in, and only definitely about a year in. I think perhaps you are taking his words about the difficulties of having a baby ('never again') too seriously, he wasn't giving you a definitive definition a week after birth, he was just venting.

I think you need to back off really, and leave it for a bit, his mind may change all by itself over the coming months or years (most people feel very differently at different times), if you start pushing for a definitive answer after only 5 months, I think it will entrench his position.

OP - a few questions:

1. How old are you both? Could that be putting him off? If age not an issue, suggest banning all baby discussions until she is at least one, and then at six month intervals after that. People change, but not if they are pressured as Mumsyblouse says above.
2. Was it a difficult birth? - my DH is still traumatised 19 months on and says never again partly because of that.
3. He sounds like a great dad. But, is he genuinely happy or is there any evidence at all to suggest that he's going through the motions and doing what needs to be done, doing a great cover up job so everything looks rosy on the outside, but internally he's terrified of the new commitment, his own abilities as a parent, the loss of his old life etc.....

Speaking from experience here.....

Agree with Mumsyblouse ^^

Wait a while, the first few months can be hard going, and is a difficult adjustment.

@ abigail he is not ever unwilling to discuss things. If anything it is me that buries my head in the sand. I think he doesn't like talking about it because it upsets me quite a lot.

@ mumsy I do know I am maybe pushing him too much but it's really that now I have to deal with my feelings. He is insistent he won't change his mind!

@ auburn 1. We are both 32. As I said we had always talked in plural and we had even discussed having our kids quite close together in age. I know I am not old by any manner of means but I don't really want to be 35 before having another baby.

1. The birth was actually a lovely water birth. Although he says he was relieved when it was over he said he found it really chilled and not as frantic or panicky as he expected.
2. I am sure he loves being a dad. He is a total homebody, does all the cooking and likes to be with family. I am not saying there hasn't been testing times for us both but he often talks about how much he loves her. He texts every day asking after her, asking for pics and saying he can't wait to get home.

God damn it the more I read what I've written and reflect I know I kind of have the perfect family. I really need to get a grip. It's just getting over my damn anger/sadness I think that is my main issue. I think I will talk to him about it tonight and then just leave it for some time before asking again.

Thanks very much for all your help. I really feel a lot better getting this off my chest!

I think you're discussing this all far too soon after having your first child together. He's still probably adjusting to becoming a father!! Give the man some breathing space...

I did not even consider talking about another child until DS1 was at least 12 months old (when he was on solids, sleeping well, life was more settled, etc.). I always seem a bit baffled as to why couples would need to be discussing such matters when you've got one child to enjoy for at least a year before discussing your feelings on another one...what's the rush?

I know it is soon! But it was him who first said that he didn't want anymore and it shook me. At first I thought he can't be serious but he says he has made up his mind. I don't want to pin my hopes on him changing his mind. I can't stand the thought of asking him in a years time, I know the answer will be no. And then another years time and so on and just feeling crushed over again.

My OH was much like yours. He initially didn't want two children, but then after a while he changed his mind once our eldest was approaching 2yo. You just have to accept that he'll be looking at family planning from a different perspective. Just enjoy your DD together just now and see how things pan out in a year's time. Relax!! :)

Sandy don't be hard on yourself. You had a view of how your life was going to pan out and you thought he was on board. That has been taken away. You have a right to be angry, hurt and upset.

I still think he owes you an explanation. This is the rest of your lives we are talking about here and he has arbitrarily decided that the route he wants is not your route and he chose to tell you that a week after you have given birth. He is not being kind to you at all.

nizlopi we know that there is a risk of tube damage due to a procedure he had just before dd was born and if he were to go for the follow up appointment there is a very high chance of it being rectified. He has decided that because I bollocked him a couple of months ago for not paying enough attention to dd, that there is no point trying for another inspite of dragging me around every bloody pharmacy when on hols because he forgot to pack his wellman conception tablets. He is being a complete arsewipe, contradicting his own arguments. I have had enough, we are done

Wine - why were you dragging HIM around looking for HIS tablets ? they're hardly crucial ??

lemonstartree sorry if I didn't make it clear that he was dragging me around every pharmacy to find the tablets, at this point I was still under the illusion that he had gone to the docs and all was well.

I don't think you're lucky.

I would have been devastated if DH had pulled this on me, and we never would have had "the perfect family" because I did not want to have only one child and I wouldn't have been happy to accept that just because he changed his mind.

Bringing it up so soon after the birth of your first is quite shit really. No way were we talking about a second so soon after the first.

Ick well we did not talk about it last night as planned! By the time we got LO to bed, and had our dinner it was nearly game of thrones time! I did get a chance to mull over what everyone has been advising and I think I do need to try and let this lie for a bit. I could not stop thinking about it in bed last night though! This is what worries me! I know I need to just accept it for now for the sake of our relationship and my sanity and hope he comes round. But how? If I bring it up in say a years time and he still says no what do I do then? I mean just how do you deal with it? That is what kept me up last night!

Anyway thanks again to everyone I've felt a lot better since writing all this down :)

Does he have any siblings or is he an only child?

He has a sister who is 2.5 years older. Their relationship isn't terrible but it's not great. He knows how I feel about my siblings though, we all get on really well! I had a really happy childhood with my family. They still mean everything to me. I want that for DD too, especially when we are gone.

Really 5 months is way too soon to be discussing another baby. IMHO. My ex said 'No way' until after 12 months. Give it a break and just enjoy motherhood of the baby you have without worrying about this yet.