Husband doesn't want another kid...

[sandylion]

and I do. I guess this is maybe more of a letting it all out thread. We have a good relationship and a lovely DD who is only 5 months. As soon as she arrived I knew I would want another. We had always talked about kids plural. But from day one he has said he doesn't want anymore. He can't seem to explain why but he says he is not going to change his mind. My emotions swing from trying to accept this, sadness and anger. I know i need to accept it for the sake of our family and our relationship. I am sad because every little milestone with baby is the last time I'll experience it with a child of my own. I'm angry because I feel it came out of nowhere. We moved into a massive house from a flat. We talked about what would be the kidS rooms. Now I sit here and I am just reminded that I'll only be having one.

In a way I feel super selfish. I KNOW I AM DAMN LUCKY! I have a gorgeous healthy baby that was very much wanted and planned. I know people would kill for this. I just don't know how to move on because I think about it all the time. DD is nothing to do with DH decision. He adores her and she is a very easy baby. I know she is young but I have asked many times if he thinks in time he would want another and he always says no. I have stopped asking as I find it too sad. Of course everyone keeps asking whether I am enjoying motherhood (yes) and will we have another (errr??) and everytime they do it just consumes me.

God I sound like such a tool. Apologies and thanks for taking the time to read.

Being close in age is no guarantee of being close.

Give it some time and be more accepting. It seems that you are creating a lot of pressure and that is seldom good.

I dont think 5 months is too soon to be thinking about a sibling, especially if you want them close in age. If you think he may change his mind, give your dp some time. If not, then ask yourself if you can accept this.

I wasted years on my ex, thinking/hoping he would change his mind about wanting a baby. He didn't and it wasn't something i could accept, no matter how perfect i thought ex was. I now have 2 ds, youngest being 17 months and i know that I will be trying at some point for another one. Dp isn't particularly keen but I have told him in no uncertain terms that I will have another child, with him or not .

Is there anyway you could get DH to write down his objections/reasons for not having a 2nd if you are finding it difficult to discuss it with him? You may find it's something you hadn't thought of e.g. I wouldn't love another child as much as DD, I don't think we can afford it, I'm petrified of you going through birth again....

You can't accept a unilateral decision like 'no more children' if you don't know why, how can you get past that urge for more children if you have no idea why you aren't allowed any more with your DH.

DH said only one child after I had a horrible first pg (actually he only postponed looking into getting a vasectomy until after DD1 'just in case' something happened to DD1) but then DD1 had a pretty horrible newborn period too with re-admittance to hospital/problems bfing/reflux so he was doubly sure he didn't want any more. I put him off the snip until DD1 was older so we could be sure.

At 12m we decided to try for another baby (I really, really wanted another child and DH thought he could cope with the pg/birth/newborn bit again) and I fell pg straight away much to our shock.

That pg was very different and after DD2's incredibly easy birth he nearly got hit by the MW as he said he wanted to have a 3rd (she asked him to wait until the placenta was out ).

We had DD3 and he said no more, absolutely no more, we can't do it (I have epilepsy and our children aren't the healthiest either!) but I thought may be when DD3 was 4 or 5y we might revisit the issue if I still wanted another. I fell miraculously pg last year (using contraception and a whole host of other reasons why pg wouldn't be probable) and he was over the moon after an initial 'WTF do we do now!!' and is so pleased with the fact we are having DD4 in Sept you wouldn't believe it.

He now says a 4th was inevitable and wasn't sure why we waited so long (age gaps are 20m between DD1 & DD2, 22m between DD2 & DD3 and the age gap between DD3 & DD4 will be 35m so quite a long one for us).

I don't understand men He didn't want children either when we met.....

Agree totally with abigailadams. Sounds a bit suss to me that he can be so apparently floored over the beauty of his new baby daughter but so adamant too that he does not want another of her ilk. Something wrong there. Also, all the stuff people say about 'let it lie - give him time - let him get used tomthe massive change' blah blah i just think is a bit of old codswallop tbh. He's had a child. He hasn't discovered he has a life-threatening illness fgs.

Also, what's all the business about buying the big house the for kidS plural? Knob.

I would suggest you say to him very firmly that you quite agree with no further children, and that therefore you should put the house on the market and downsize as you would like to open a sex toys business. Just watched a prog about it on telly - it's thriving.

Name changed for this one ...
Sandylion - been through this one myself and it's tough because in most things you can compromise or find a middle route but with this - well, either you have a baby or you don't! I think the problem sounds as though you feel your views aren't being taken into account, your DH seems to be implying he has the final say, and I think that's particularly hard for women to take, since we are the ones giving birth (and in my case doing most of the childcare). In my case, I felt if we could not reach agreement, and someone had to have the final say, it should be me rather than him, on this one - just as, for example, he had the say on his job which meant also the final say on where we lived. So is this about balance of power for you?
I agree it's very soon afterwards to talk about it, but then again, you say he raised the issue, not you. Can you sit down with him and have a discussion on the lines of, 'I just want to understand why you feel like this; I am not trying to change your mind, but make sense of it all'?
I think you have to talk at some point. You are right that you are lucky to have one but it doesn't help with the sense of loss if you hoped for two! Be aware also that as your DD gets older, you have to spend a LOT of time around people having their second and it can be heartbreaking. Also if your DD has a habit of peering into other prams and cooing over babies and you then have to endure conversations of 'Oh, you'll have to have another, won't you ...'!
Do talk - we didn't and it really caused damage. If you have a good marriage and he is a good dad, I understand that you don't want to lose that, but it's his responsibility as well as yours to reach an understanding, if not an agreement.
Good luck.

Lovely post chocolate . agreed.

I wouldn't take his comment seriously for the first few months as it is such an overwhelming time...the real time to have this discussion is probably this time next year and you might get a different answer altogether. Don't push him though as that'll cause real problems for you both - HEA just being honest about how he feels and it is good that he can be honest with you...he has a right to change his mind in the face of such huge life changes that come with a new baby - he didn't know he was going to feel this way. Just give him some time and see what happens.

I made my dp wait 6 years before having dc2, she's 8mo now and its me pushing for a third!

I can't explain properly why I didn't want dc2, think I just really enjoyed dd1 and didn't want to ruin that.

I'm having to convince him now but its easier as it would be madness to have two 6 year age gaps!

Agree with one of the PPs that having children close in age doesn't mean that they will have a close relationship...

And yes, IMO, 5 months after having your first is far too early to be thinking of having any more children. You should enjoy your first for as long as possible (at least 12 months) and then when you can think with a clear head then consider having more.

Too many people seem to rush into having another one too soon without thinking things through. Your DH is being sensible by being cautious. Wish more men thought like him!! You will find he'll change his mind once your DD is at least 12 months old, OP. Honestly, you're over analysing this.

Thanks for everyone's good advice!

So a bit of an update then. I told him last night that we needed to talk and we had a sit down. I told him that I know we both have opposing views and that we can't resolve it but we needed to understand each others feelings. I asked him why he had said no more children and he admited that it was because he found the pregnancy and birth a very worrying/stressful time. I can't believe I never even thought about this as DH is a total born worrier. I asked him why he didn't discuss his feelings during my pregnancy and he said he didn't want to worry me with his worrying. We were living in a very stressful situation until I was 30 weeks (in a flat with hellish neighbours to the left and below). He said he had lots of anxiety about my health and baby's (we had the odd scare but nothing major) and then he said he had totally convinced himself that there would be a problem with the birth! He said that the relief he felt when the pregnancy was over and LO was here safely was immense and he said he couldn't even think about going through it again and just threw his no more kids comment out there. He said he had no idea that I would be thinking about it so much and he was sorry it had upset me so much.

I told him I absolutely did not want him to feel like he was being backed into a corner to make a decision. I just needed him to understand how I was feeling and he was very good a listening to me. He said that the subject is not closed and we can discuss it again whenever I want but I also said I don't want him to give me false hope.

What I found interesting was that I told him I see DD as so amazing that I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want 100 of her. He said that he thought DD was so amazing that he couldn't understand why she wasn't enough. It was really emotional. He was quite upset too.

Anyway I guess the upshot is that we both know each others feelings on the matter and I do feel a lot better since discussing it. I am not saying he will change his mind but I think the fact he is open to discussing it in the future is a good sign. It is hard not to pin my hopes on that, but we will see what the future holds. For now I know I just need to enjoy the family I am very lucky to have.

Thanks again for everyone who took the time to read and advise, I really needed the help on this one!

It sounds like you have a very good relationship, and a lovely family. I'm glad you've managed to get to a point of understanding at least. Only time will tell the rest, fingers crossed for you.

I think because we are the ones that go through the pregnancy and birth and all of the hormones, physical changes and pain that come with it, we forget about the impact that the whole thing has on our DH's.

They love us to bits (assuming that it is a good relationship) and it must be horrible seeing someone you love wholeheartedly go through the trauma of pregnancy and birth. We tend to worry about whether the baby is healthy and while the 'what if' is there about our own health, that is more of a background issue because generally thoughts of the baby consume us.

Our DH's on the other hand are faced with the fear that something will go wrong and they will lose the woman that they love. They don't have the same physical and emotional attachment to the baby that we have, so all the worry and stresses we have about the baby, they have about us.

It is very easy to say 'what's the problem? It's not like they have to go through pregnancy and birth' but having a baby is so much more than that and to call him a knob (as a few contributers to this thread have done) for not wanting to see the woman he loves go through it all again minimises his feelings and reduces his role to sperm donor which is very unfair.

OP - I'm glad you have been able to sit down and have a conversation about it. 5 months in really is very soon to be making the decision to have another. We always said that we wanted 3 kids, but after DD1 was born, I couldn't even begin to imagine having another until she was 2.5. DD2 was born just after DD1 turned 4 and is now 7 months old. We definitely still want (at least) 3, but the difference is this time, I'd start trying for number 3 now if finances would permit it. As it is we're going to have to wait a while.

While your DH is saying not ever, is reasoning behind it sounds, to me anyway, more like a I'm just not ready to go through it again yet because he is still recovering from nine months of constant worry. No one can say for certain whether he will change his mind, but in 12 months time when you have had your daughter for longer than the amount of time you were pregnant, the worry and stress of the pregnancy will seem like an age ago and I suspect his feelings will be very different. Right now, it's probably still very raw for him.

Enjoy your beautiful family and your DH who clearly adores you.

So glad you were able to discuss it. I think this is a male/female split thing - my DH also said DS was so amazing there was no need for more, while I felt the exact reverse - if DS is so amazing, think how wonderful the next will be!
Also, the 'not worrying you' bit - it was a long time afterwards that my DH said the night our DS was born was 'the worst of his life'. I cannot see it that way - because the long night (and day!) ended with the arrival of our DS - and even though I don't forget the trauma, it was a part of the whole for me. My DH also said he was convinced there would be a problem if we tried again, that disaster loomed ... (Do you think there is a Man Manual somewhere that they all swap in the pub??)

So I hope you enjoy your family of three for now, and if it turns into a family of four, I promise there will be a night when you stand there and look down at your sleeping one and say a wistful farewell to the very special days when she was your only.

Oh that is good news sandy. At least you know where he is coming from. You do sound to have a good relationship and lines of communication have at least been reopened on the subject. That can only be a good thing.