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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

STBX not coping with split. Feel incredibly guilty.

33 replies

LalasMama · 07/05/2012 08:42

A couple of weeks ago I ended things with P. he has alcohol issues and has tendencies to nip to the pub on a Friday night after work and not return home until Sunday evening. We have not been getting on in general. Our babies are 2 and 11months. I am only 21 and couldn't contemplate spending the rest of my life putting up with this kind of shit. So I ended it.

I have still been living with him. I am moving into new house at the end of the week hopefully. P appeared to take the split ok. Said he didn't want me to go but he understands it's what I need to do. However, last weekend he went out on Saturday night and didn't return home until Sunday evening. He was still pissed and when I went down stairs he was racking up a line of coke on my kitchen worktop!!!!!! He used to do drugs a lot but when we got together he stopped as he knew how against it I am.
I was furious that he brought drugs into the house, flushed his coke down the loo and sent him to bed. We discussed it in the week and he said he didn't know what he was thinking etc. whatever. He can do what he likes when I'm gone as long as my kids aren't affected.

This weekend, he has been on the piss since friday. He came home briefly yesterday, scared the shit out of me and 2yo DD, by shouting and swearing at me saying I was cheating on him and leaving him for another man (I'm not). He then stormed out of the house and was shouting in the street calling me a slut. He then phoned me a few hours later begging me to stay and not to take his kids from him (I've said he can see them as much as he likes, I'm only going to the other side of town). He said he can't live without me etc and he doesn't know what he's done wrong. I refused to speak about it while he was drunk and said to go to his mums to sober up. My friend just phoned me to say he picked P up from town at 6am this morning and he's now at his house sleeping it off.

I know he's a prick but I feel so guilty and can't bear the thought of him being on his own. What should I do?

OP posts:

bananacrepe · 07/05/2012 08:49

Do you even need to ask? You are doing absolutely the right thing by leaving him. Run like the wind!!! And I wouldn't leave him alone with the kids if he's doing drugs either! You should NOT feel guilty about this.

PurplePidjin · 07/05/2012 08:50

Any more drugs or intimidation and you dial 999. In fact, call the non emergency number now, explain that you're at risk and why, and have a marker put on the house so they prioritize you.

In the meantime, store all your id documents, bank account/mortgage/tenancy papers, spare sets of keys etc somewhere safe. If possible, get yourself and the kids to a family member or friends house til you can get your own place set up.

Shelter and Womens Aid will be able to give you proper, specific advice.

Good luck :)

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/05/2012 08:53

Why on earth do you feel guilty for kicking this man to the kerb? Tell the friend to keep your ex at their house, lock your doors and don't let him back in until you've moved out.

elinorbellowed · 07/05/2012 08:57

He's not drinking because you are leaving him. He's drinking because he wants to. Please don't feel guilty. You are not responsible for his drinking.

PurplePidjin · 07/05/2012 09:01

You leaving is a reaction to his behaviour. Losing his family is simply a consequence of him acting like an arse.

He caused this, you've been caught in the fallout

heliumballoon · 07/05/2012 09:25

He stands in the street shouting that you're a slut and you feel guilty?

tribpot · 07/05/2012 09:39

he doesn't know what he's done wrong.

Would he like a list?

If you want to feel guilty about something (and I don't think you should, incidentally) feel guilty about not leaving sooner. The guy's been on the piss for three days straight. He was doing COCAINE in your house. You need to consider how on earth such a person can have safe contact with your children, that doesn't involve you having to be there throughout.

But the first thing you have to do is get the hell away from him, and I agree with Purple to notify the police up front.

Original poster

LalasMama · 07/05/2012 11:43

I know I'm doing the right thing by leaving him but it's so hard. He is soooo lovely when he's sober. Can't do enough for us. alcohol turns him into a complete wanker.

He's home now. He's sleeping on the sofa. Don't know what to say to him

OP posts:

Inadeeptrance · 07/05/2012 11:49

You need to get tough on his arse now. You sound like a strong woman, you and your kids deserve better than this.

Do NOT feel guilty, he has behaved appallingly and you have done the right thing.

Tell him that if he gets pissed or brings drugs into the house again before you move out that you will kick him out and call the police. Take NO shit, this is all to try and manipulate you. Don't get drawn in, stay detached.

fiventhree · 07/05/2012 11:53

He knows what he has done wrong alright.

He just doesnt accept it, and he thinks that you should accept him on his terms.

Original poster

LalasMama · 07/05/2012 11:55

Thank you for being on my side. I had his friends ringing me last night telling me I must stay with him as he is completely devastated and asking why I am leaving him (as if it's any of their business) and saying that it's not as if he does this kind of thing every weekend? Probably happens once a month but I'm sick of my kids being exposed to this horrible behaviour.

What makes is worse is that DD is such a daddy's girl. She simply adores him. She screams the house down everyday when he leaves for work.

Just want to be in my new house now and for this horrible bit to be over!

OP posts:

kittycatwoman · 07/05/2012 11:57

Stop having kids willy nilly with idiots who do drugs and drink like mad. Get a grip on your life and stop feeling guilty.

I hope that kick in teh backside was enough for you to stop thinking about him and start thinking about yourself.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/05/2012 12:36

"He is soooo lovely when he's sober."

They all are. That's why you stick around, hoping they see the light, stop drinking or whatever and you get the lovely version 100% of the time. Never happens because they're far too self-centred and, frankly, don't care what you think. Your daughter may well adore him (kids are no judge of character) but will thank you for getting her away from him when she's old enough to realise what a tosser he was.

Pack his bags while he's asleep and bundle him out when he wakes up.

balia · 07/05/2012 12:40

Can you stay anywhere else until your new place is ready? You really don't want the kids exposed to any more of this.

PurplePidjin · 07/05/2012 12:41

Dp hasn't done this at all in the 2.5 years we've been together. My dad hasn't done it in the 30 some-odd years he's been with my mum. DP's single friends don't do this even though there's no one to "answer to" iyswim

It is not ok to dump your kids on your partner and fuck off on a two day bender.

Original poster

LalasMama · 07/05/2012 12:47

No where else I can stay. I've taken the kids out for the day now. What makes the situation worse is that P can do no wrong in MILs eyes and since I broke the news that I'm leaving she has been making really nasty comments and questioning my parenting skills.

Wish I could fast forward a week when me and my kids will be safe a cosy in our lovely new house.

On the plus side, my dad and stepmum couldn't be more supportive! They've offered to pay for furniture for my new house which is a huge help!!!

I know we will be ok!

OP posts:

MysteriousHamster · 07/05/2012 12:50

Tell MIL he was doing lines of coke in the house. How could anyone defend that?!

blackcurrants · 07/05/2012 12:51

Lalas no one should have to put up with that kind of treatment. He's a horrible partner and while it must be heartbreaking how much your DD adores him, it's not like he's being a good father, is it?

He's not. Because a good father respects and values his children's mother. And he's sure as hell not doing that.

I hope you have a sober and safe week sorting your things out. Are you moving next weekend? Do you have some brothers/friends/family who can help you move?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/05/2012 12:57

"P can do no wrong in MILs eyes "

Of course not, he's her son. You're on a hiding to nothing if you think she'll stick up for you against her own flesh and blood. Feel free to give her the full story... coke and all. She may defend him in public but she'll give him hell in private.

Longtalljosie · 07/05/2012 12:58

I agree, you should tell your MIL about the coke. Not only to give her a sense of perspective (as you'll have an ongoing relationship with her), but because she's going to be the person he depends on from now on and she needs to know what she's dealing with.

Original poster

LalasMama · 07/05/2012 13:15

She knows about the coke already. She didn't bat an eyelid. I'm so disappointed as we used to get on so well. She was there when DC were born ffs.

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 07/05/2012 13:33

Blimey. Well, you can cheerfully ignore any of her views on parenting, then...

oikopolis · 07/05/2012 16:35

sweetie this whole situation is just even more of a sign that leaving him is the right thing to do

please remember, even heinously abused children adore their parents. your DD loves your ex because that's what kids do, they love their caregivers. but she is not a judge of character at her age, you've got to be the judge and you know he's not good for her in the long run. if you stay with him, DD will end up marrying someone exactly like him!!

his friends are eejits. as if HIS emotions are the most important thing in this situation???? no, the tiny little vulnerable kids, and their sober mother, are. he's chosen drink and drugs over you lot, wtaf else are you meant to do but leave him? you can't have someone like that in the house!

he had a choice, he chose drink and drugs. his choice, his decision. nothing to do with you.

MIL sounds a treat too

you are brave OP, you're doing the right thing, keep being a lioness and protect your kids from these fuckwits.

daffydowndilly · 07/05/2012 19:42

Do not feel guilty (and repeat). You are doing exactly the right thing for you and that is the only thing that matters. You are being thoughtful because you care, but not enabling or behaving codependently. It is healthy and smart.

You ex has big emotional issues, is an addict and adult-child. If his mother is behaving like that towards you, it is not hard to see how that dysfunction has caused his issues. He is not your problem. You cannot make anyone else feel anything, if he feels terrible because of the relationship breakdown, it is not your fault and not your problem. He needs to learn to deal with his emotions internally and stand on his own two feet. He has a long way to go before he would be useful partner/parent material and first he has to address his issues. And the best thing for him is to have the time and space to do that, at least once he reaches the stage he wants to. His friends are being idiots, because they don't want to have to deal with him. They want to dump him back onto you. They are only caring about themselves.

Your daughter will be grateful in her future that you are taking her out of the current dysfunction and teaching her self-value and respect. You are making a decision that could change her life for the (much) better and giving her the chance to have healthy relationships in her future. And she will get used to the change quickly.

Berts · 07/05/2012 21:42

You are responsible for your behaviour, and you are doing the right thing in leaving to create a safe environment for you and your kids.

Your STBX is responsible for his behaviour and for his feelings.

You are you, he is him. Draw the line and stop taking responsibility for him and how he feels.

You seem (like a lot of us here on Relationships) to have poor boundaries, where you feel responsible for making everyone else feel better. This leads to relationships with people who are immature, or addicts, or manipulators. This is probably something you need to address (once you've got a bit of space) to avoid getting into another bad relationship.

In the meantime, hold on till next week and then enjoy your freedom! If your MIL and your STBX's friends don't like it, they can sod right off . Wankers.

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