STBX not coping with split. Feel incredibly guilty.

[LalasMama]

A couple of weeks ago I ended things with P. he has alcohol issues and has tendencies to nip to the pub on a Friday night after work and not return home until Sunday evening. We have not been getting on in general. Our babies are 2 and 11months. I am only 21 and couldn't contemplate spending the rest of my life putting up with this kind of shit. So I ended it.

I have still been living with him. I am moving into new house at the end of the week hopefully. P appeared to take the split ok. Said he didn't want me to go but he understands it's what I need to do. However, last weekend he went out on Saturday night and didn't return home until Sunday evening. He was still pissed and when I went down stairs he was racking up a line of coke on my kitchen worktop!!!!!! He used to do drugs a lot but when we got together he stopped as he knew how against it I am.
I was furious that he brought drugs into the house, flushed his coke down the loo and sent him to bed. We discussed it in the week and he said he didn't know what he was thinking etc. whatever. He can do what he likes when I'm gone as long as my kids aren't affected.

This weekend, he has been on the piss since friday. He came home briefly yesterday, scared the shit out of me and 2yo DD, by shouting and swearing at me saying I was cheating on him and leaving him for another man (I'm not). He then stormed out of the house and was shouting in the street calling me a slut. He then phoned me a few hours later begging me to stay and not to take his kids from him (I've said he can see them as much as he likes, I'm only going to the other side of town). He said he can't live without me etc and he doesn't know what he's done wrong. I refused to speak about it while he was drunk and said to go to his mums to sober up. My friend just phoned me to say he picked P up from town at 6am this morning and he's now at his house sleeping it off.

I know he's a prick but I feel so guilty and can't bear the thought of him being on his own. What should I do?

Thank you for all your replies! STBX is staying at his mums until the house is ready for me and DC to move into. Don't think he believed until this weekend that I was actually going. Think it's finally sunk in. Looking forward to setting up a new home for me and my little monsters now

"can't bear the thought of him being on his own"

I'm wondering why you say this. Nothing else you have posted supports this in the slightest. Do you actually mean it? And if so why? Or are you just saying it for form's sake? In which case, in which case cut it out now.

And your dd will soon stop screaming the place down when he leaves each morning because he won't be there in the first place to leave. If you see what I mean.

He's not a STBX - he's an Ex. Better for you to think of him that way. Good luck.

You feel guilty? Good God.

Well done on having the guts and sense to give your children a better start in life.

Get tough, for all of your sakes - any more nonsense, just call the police.

MIL - well, he's her son. So it's going to be tough for her - she's in denial about the kind of man he is, but deep down...

So - she'll be hurting, so bear that in mind and keep your voice kind (ish) while you set out the following (assuming you want, ideally, to have a good relationship with her):

'Look, I want to keep on good terms with you and I know you want the same because you want to stay in your grandchildrens' lives. I want that too. So you need to listen to me. I intend to make every effort to make sure my children have a good and close relationship with you. However, I will NOT do that unless I feel that I have your support and respect, as your grandchildrens' mum. So please stop the sniping at my parenting, unless you want me to tell you to rely on your son from now on for contact with the kids. I can guarantee you that that way you'll see them less.
On your son - I will never ask you to take sides. But I do expect you to acknowledge that leaving X was not a decision I took lightly. If you plan to slag me off in your attempt to make your son come out of this looking better than he does, then forget having a relationship with us.
You need to know that he has been violent, has scared the children, has taken drugs in the house, and is on the way to being an alcoholic. If you can't understand that I want my children not to have to be exposed to that behaviour, then you aren't such a good gran to them.
Bottom line is, I'm moving on, because I'm sick of having a shit life with your son. If you want to meet me halfway, I'll make sure you don't lose out in any way on the children, no matter what happens between me and your son, and I'll always make the effort for them to have a relationship with him, he will always be their dad. But if you want to turn on me, you're on your own. And I think you know that if you want to stay in touch with the kids, you're better off keeping me sweet than him.'

I genuinely can't bear the thought of him being on his own. I know he's a twat but when he's sober he is really good with the kids. And of course I do love him.

Estate agent just phoned to say house won't be ready until end of next week :(

MIL has kids tomorrow while I work so I will have a word When I drop them off

Good on you for being so strong and brave to take this step when the children are so young. I waited about 5 years too long hoping for change from my alcoholic dh and as they generally do, things just got steadily worse, and damage has certainly been done, both to me and the children. There were some old family friends who were a bit shocked and thought surely he could get help and we could work something out (i.e. I was being a 'bit harsh') but those who knew me/us better could understand it perfectly.
I think GoPoldark's suggested wording above is quite good, perhaps I might write it rather than try to say it as there is quite a lot to say and emotions might get in the way on either side.
Good luck.

Well, hopefully he will still be really good with the kids - and sober - after you've moved out, OP.