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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can't I just walk away?

29 replies

howcome · 06/05/2012 19:28

It's been nearly four years and I knew from the start he was bad news.
In that time he has married, for the second time, a girlfriend he didn't even know when I met him and had his fourth child.
Even writing this I feel so stupid.
We were friends, then more, then less. I know he's using me but he swears I mean something, but I don't want to lose the friendship, without him there's nobody.
I know I sound pathetic. I am intelligent, professional, highly thought of in my job, so why do I let him do this to me?

OP posts:
JoanRobinson2012 · 06/05/2012 19:45

It's not true to say "without him, there's nobody", because without him there is the chance for you to like, love and respect yourself again instead of the way you're being used now which makes you feel unworthy and disrespected.

As to why you let him? It's a mild sort of addiction I suppose. You like to believe him when he says he needs you and that you mean something to him... That makes you feel good about yourself.

Trouble is you're only hearing his words and completely ignoring his actions of someone who shows himself to be a liar, a cheat, untrustworthy and definitely unworthy of your friendship...

izzyizin · 06/05/2012 20:05

Is this a 'friendship' with benefits for him? In other words, are you the other party in his adultery?

If so, you need to work on your self-esteem and gain self-respect by ending it now.

CrispyCod · 06/05/2012 20:09

I was in a similar situation a few years back. It can be so destructive. I'm glad to say I've moved on now. I know it's going to be difficult but you must try and detach from this man. Until you do that you won't have a chance of letting anyone else in.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/05/2012 20:11

Balls too to your comment, "without him there's nobody". Utter tosh.

What do you get out of this?.

Perhaps you have let him in because you originally thought that you could make a real and positive difference to his crappy life by showing him your love and affection. Unfortunately you were wrong on all counts there and he has taken you for a mug. I would also read up on codependency.

You do not have to act as his muse here; you still have a choice in this situation. You do not have to waste another 4 years on this chancer.

Bad boys are just that, bad.

janelikesjam · 06/05/2012 20:11

Well I know where you're coming from OP. There's a version of your post in 50% of posts on Mumsnet, by my calculation.....

I have a few thoughts but will come back later as tied up now.

izzyizin · 06/05/2012 20:23

Without him there'll be space in your head and in your life for somebody else, honey, and that somebody else will hopefully be free to give you the love and respect you deserve.

As you very well know, this man a serial philanderer. Does his dw know about your affair with her dh? What do you think will happen when she finds out?

Original poster
howcome · 06/05/2012 23:10

Sorry, didn't mean to disappear - unexpected family stuff.

Trouble is Izzy why do I deserve respect? Yes, there are 'benefits' not usually actuall but textual, not that I think that will make any difference to his wife.

I also know that if I walked away he would do nothing to stop me. Yet I'm scared to lose the only warped bit of fun in my life.

I hate myself and derserve the flaming I will undoubtedly get. But hope I can get some insight into why

OP posts:
ninah · 06/05/2012 23:11

you can
you choose not to
you are not powerless you know

Justjoanne · 06/05/2012 23:19

What your feeling now can't eva be a real relationship or real love until you kick him to the curb you won't be able to find someone thats worthy of you. For you to open a new chapter and move on uuuuuuu need to close the book on this 1 you wont be alone forever but u wil if you carry on like this and start having more dignity fit as long as he thinks your there he will continue to use you because you have let him this won't change now x

Original poster
howcome · 06/05/2012 23:23

But why do I choose not to? I really don't understand myself, not a week goes by without a resolution to go no contact, but then he'll ask why I've been quiet, am I ok and off I go again

He was there for me in a break up at the beginning - he wasn't the cause and I've been hooked ever since

OP posts:
Justjoanne · 06/05/2012 23:30

Sounds typical to me you want live you want affection but your accepting anything you get from this man your obviously really lonely why dont you find a class of some sort maybe a new hobby and once you meet new people and have some social time start having fun you ain't going to get ne younger you need to get out there more I think once you start doing something for yourself and keep yourself busy you will start to think"what the hell was I doing!!

Justjoanne · 06/05/2012 23:31

Love*

ninah · 06/05/2012 23:32

fear? laziness? poor self esteem? you are the only one who can answer that question

Original poster
howcome · 06/05/2012 23:41

Definitely fear of being alone. I'm pushing 50, which not only makes me feel Im running out of options, it also makes me feel even worse that Im still behaving like a lovesick teenager.

I've tried joining classes but my working hours are all over the place and I kept missing sessions, which was not only a waste money but frustrating.

Also have DCs.

OP posts:
ninah · 06/05/2012 23:44

being alone but with self respect sounds a lot better to me
(speaking as a died in the wool 45 year old singleton)
it's not like you're properly with him anyway, is it?

ninah · 06/05/2012 23:44

oops dyed (freudian)

Original poster
howcome · 06/05/2012 23:52

No I'm not with him, and slipping ever further down his list of priorities.

I was coming out of a 15yr relationship when we forst met. And he made me feel alive again, reminded me I was a sexual being. The first man I'd looked at in that way since meeting ex.

I'm scared if I walk away I'll return to the frumpy, sexless mess i was then

OP posts:
ninah · 07/05/2012 00:01

Ok I sort of understand. In that case the only hope would be to compartmentalise.
'Slipping further down his list of priorities', however, shows you are aware that things change and the relationship is waning.
What do you value about yourself?

Original poster
howcome · 07/05/2012 00:11

Thanks for sticking with me Ninah.

I think I'm a reasonably good mum, and good at my job. But beyond that I struggle.

I know it's changing, and I can feel myself getting clingy, which I know is likely to hasten the end. It's all just madness, but if it goes there's nothing

OP posts:
melbie · 07/05/2012 00:28

Read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl! Honestly. It is the best book I have ever read. You need to get out of this however hard (and believe me I know how hard it is) Otherwise years more could go by and you will still be there and wondering what happened to your life. Keep up the no contact- delete all the contact details you have for him, block his number or change yours. Then even when you slip you can't reply to him. It sounds like you are so close and just need the final push to get rid of him. And if it is YOU who makes the decision it will feel so much better in the end. It is the vicious cycle of being in the situation because of your self esteem and then it breaking you down even further so you feel grateful for any crumbs of attention he gives you.

Also really consider counselling. Just to get you back on track so you can actually realise you are so much better than this and deserve proper happiness.

Sorry this may sound very blunt but I recognise everything you are saying and I want you to be able to escape! Good luck x

ninah · 07/05/2012 00:34

howcome you sound pretty fab to me. I think you are wasted on this two timing rat, actually. Career, parent, on your own - you sound like you are doing so well. I struggle with either tbh. Believe in yourself. Get a haircut, and lose 140lb (of this dead loss). Live your own life instead of living through others perceptions. Be independent, chic and free. He's not a man, he's an idea/illusion. you've invested him with more significance that he warrants. Don't be superstitious, he's not adding to your life and you won't start shopping in per una sales cos he's out of it. Will you.

ninah · 07/05/2012 00:36

yup, escape! would spend on westwood not counselling though

tallwivglasses · 07/05/2012 07:24

You need to go cold turkey, love. Think of him like a packet of fags - bad for your health. And all this is for what? A bit of text sex every now and then? What a twat! (him!)

Original poster
howcome · 07/05/2012 09:22

Can't give the fags up either!

Thank you all for being so kind. I know you're right. I just don't know how I got here.

I feel almost as if I've been corrupted somehow. That I'm no longer who I was. How did I become a phone sex provider in exchange for an occasonal coffee and a few kind words :(

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 07/05/2012 11:07

The real you is in there somewhere. Remember her? The one with a bit of self-respect? I'm pushing 53 and have been single for 4 years. My friend's 10 years older and living it up with a younger man. There's hope for us all, howcome, you've just got to give yourself a chance x