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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you interoperate this being said?

31 replies

keepingupwiththejoneses · 06/05/2012 15:36

A few weeks ago I was watching a programme by Louis Theroux about children with Autism, my ds has Autism. This is what was said by H "Ds has had his life taken away. Like the boy who died playing football has had his life taken away. Like a child who has been run over by a car, has had their life taken away. DS has had his life taken away" he then walked up the stairs and went to bed.
We where already planning to separate put for me this has put the final nail in the coffin. I heard this as DS is as good as dead! It has been eating away at me that he feels that about ds.
Today he informed me that he will be moving in with his dad and brother. He has previously talked about wanting joint residence, HA! Not a chance if he is living there, his brother has a drink problem and is an ex drug addict who is still on methadone! His dad is 80, a heavy drinker who has set fire to the house 3 times by putting food on to cook and falling asleep!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/05/2012 15:40

Obviously he can't have joint custody if he doesn't have his own home. I don't think he'll push this.

I think he was speaking out of depression when he said your DS had had his life taken away. I'm sure it's not unheard of for people to feel like that when a child has a disability. When you were pregnant he must have been full of hopes and dreams for his son and he feels now that those have gone.

He's lost what he hoped for in a child and now he's losing residency, too. It's a difficult time for you, of course, but it sounds a difficult time for him, too.

TheUnMember · 06/05/2012 15:43

It may be that he feels what a lot of parents feel when coming to terms with autism. That the future he imagined for his son is dead. All parents have hopes and dreams for their children it can be hard to adjust to the reality. It doesn't mean he doesn't love his son.

Olympia2012 · 06/05/2012 15:44

You can have 50/50 residency even if the child does not reside with you for 50% of time.... It's more got a legal footing.. And can affect maintenance

It's more 'the norm' these days..

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 06/05/2012 15:45

I should say ds is ds3, ds1 is not H child but we have been together since he was 18months (now 19 years old) ds2 has adhd.
The thing is, I know this has been his attitude to disability before ds was even thought of. We have known there was something wrong with ds since he was a few weeks old. He has always said I was strange because I have accepted ds for who he is. He has constantly told me that 'in the real world, people dont accept disabled people as equal'

OP posts:
ll31 · 06/05/2012 15:46

I think I'd interpret it as deep depression as what your DS has lost from the condition. Dont think I'd regard it as reason to avoid his involvement in DS life

Thumbwitch · 06/05/2012 15:46

It's difficult to interpret it without knowing your H better - but it sounds like he's speaking more from a depressed point of view, only seeing the downside to your DS's condition rather than looking at all the positives that there could be.

Agree that he won't get joint custody in his suggested housing circumstances.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 06/05/2012 15:46

Also ds has had a diagnosis since he was 2 so will be 4 years in september.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 06/05/2012 15:48

xposted - ok, sounds a bit worse now with the extra information - although again, he's not necessarily taking that as his own stance, and the way the Govt is currently behaving in relation to people with disabilities, he's not far wrong, is he, sadly.

What are you looking for with this thread - advice on whether or not your H is a fit father for your DS? Or validation for the split?

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 06/05/2012 15:51

thumb that is just it he refuses to learn about autism saying it doesn't matter as it doesn't concern him, nothing any book say's will teach him anything about ds. His idea of disciplining him is to shout a lot and smack him! Ds has severe speech delay and very low understanding.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 06/05/2012 15:53

In that case, he's an utter arse and good job he won't be around DS so much. Very :( that he's being such an arse about his son - and I hope that he doesn't get any level of residency with that sort of abuse going on. Angry on your DS's behalf.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 06/05/2012 15:56

I am really wanting to know if I am being to sensitive. Am I over reacting. When we decided to separate we where fine and reasonable but since this was said I am really starting to hate him. Maybe because in the past before any kids he would say things like 'if I ended up in a wheelchair, I would top myself, I would rather be dead' ' Would you keep a kid you knew was going to have problems? Not if it was mine you wouldn't!'
To be honest this is just a small part of his EA. He has taken away my self confidence. I now have no friends and hardly have any contact with my family because of him.

OP posts:
TheUnsinkableTitanic · 06/05/2012 15:59

hi keeping - can you remake contact with your family?
your h sounds like an arse btw

Thumbwitch · 06/05/2012 16:01

I think you're answering your own questions with every bit of information you're dripping out (sorry, you are dripfeeding massively!)

You are not being too sensitive. Your H is not interested in your DS's problems and refuses to acknowledge them in the way he treats your DS. He is abusive to your DS and quite frankly should not have unsupervised contact with him if he shouts and smacks him. You know this, don't you?
You need to see a solicitor, if you haven't already done so, and get things organised.

So :( for you that you are in this position, and for your DSs too.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/05/2012 16:14

I wonder if your DS will make better progress once he is no longer ill-treated. Handling any 4-year-old that way is not acceptable, but to one with low understanding it's nothing more nor less than pointless cruelty. He will learn nothing from it but fear and confusion.

TheUnMember · 06/05/2012 16:17

He has constantly told me that 'in the real world, people dont accept disabled people as equal'

Sadly he is correct in this respect. :(

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 06/05/2012 16:19

Sorry for the drip feeding, my head is not in a good place at the moment. I know your are right about contact. I think I am a bit scared of him to be honest. There has been issues of physical abuse in the past, he has grabbed me, pushed me and left a mark. He has always talked me around though. He can get really nasty, has punched holes in doors and walls, smashed things.

I have a solicitor in mind, just haven't contacted them yet. I am still in contact with my family just not very close, have already told my mum what is going on, she is 100% behind me. She has said that she and other have kept their distance a bit because of him Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 06/05/2012 16:25

TheUn that is a nice way of saying what he says. He basically says everyone else in the world thinks like him about disability.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 06/05/2012 16:28

Keeping, not everyone thinks the same. Honestly they don't - but sadly, a substantial proportion of the world does and it pays to be realistic about it.

Have you posted on the SN boards at all? There might be more directly useful advice on there for you.

I am glad your Mum is behind you - you do need to get sorted asap and if your H has been both physically and emotionally abusive to you then get separated as quickly as you can. Get your mum to help if she will - even if it's just to take the DC for you while you go to the solicitor.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/05/2012 18:02

Well, statistically, a whole lot of people in the world ARE disabled (in fact most of us are, have been or will be, if you include temporary disabilities), and see themselves - ourselves? - as perfectly normal. So he's wrong from that point of view.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 07/05/2012 00:03

thumb I understand what you are saying and I am under no illusions about how people can be, I see it everyday, but this is the father of a disabled child speaking. Maybe I am wrong but he should be the last person to speak like that.
Annie what a great way to say it.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 07/05/2012 00:23

No, you're right - but sadly he doesn't sound like a good father at all; allowing his own bigotry to override his paternal feelings is just shit. :(

garlicbutty · 07/05/2012 00:33

He has always said I was strange because I have accepted ds for who he is.

This is just awful. I'm glad to hear you're separating, tbh, because it must be constantly painful to know your partner doesn't see DS as a 'real' child. It makes me very angry.

I know quite a few people who openly air their view that disabled people should be killed. I have no idea why so many of your respondents insist he doesn't mean it; he seems to have made it clear over time that he does. How horrible.

Fwiw, I wouldn't bother trying to change his opinion. If living with DS hasn't educated him, nothing will. Sounds like his father & brother provide just the assurance he needs to feel superior to others. Hope they're all very happy together.

garlicbutty · 07/05/2012 00:42

Sorry, I didn't answer your title Q. I would prefer NOT to interoperate with that attitude. I'd even think twice about allowing unsupervised contact; your son's going to need good, solid self-worth in a challenging future, and I'm not convinced a father who sees him as 'without life' is capable of affording this basic parental gift.

Obviously I'm not an expert so it would be good to seek informed advice.

Thumbwitch · 07/05/2012 00:49

garlic, to be fair, the OP didn't let all the info out in one go - it became more and more apparent what kind of man she had for an H after a few posts.

And yes - there are a number of people out there who think that disabled people should be got rid of/killed/do the decent thing - Baroness Warnock wants people with dementia to unburden their families of themselves by "doing the decent thing" and self-euthanasing; Scameron and his ilk seem intent on ensuring that disabled people will starve to death or commit suicide before they do because the quality of their life will be so much worse without the DLA - it's coming from the top of the political tree, it almost validates attitudes like the OP's H's. Bloody disgusting. :( and Angry

garlicbutty · 07/05/2012 00:53

Yep. It's getting worse quite fast. Sad and Angry too.