Harmless flirting or emtional affair?? What to do?

[Salbertina]

DP and I not getting on, lots of upheaval, no sex in 1.5 yrs (!) but we have the dc and are overseas so been muddling along. Last week I found Facebook messages between him and mum of kid in my eldest's class (keeping it close to home, nice..)

Basically starts off v chatty then quickly becomes up to 8 messages a night ( v late too) about how they have v similar likes/ how they don't know each other but feel this affinity and bond..then risques jokes such as on being bound up.. Lots of mutual comPliments and things like we all need to be loved.

. Finally dp offering "chocs and wine" as a thank you/reward for something.

He has met this woman 2x only, she is not a friend. Only been at this school for 3 months. She is single and v v attractive and younger than me, damn her! He is not specially attractive and is married.

I challenged him indirectly and after a good while he volunteered info on this but said meant nothinh, just friends blah, blah.

Ive taken off to decamp at a friends as feel betrayed and v upset. Am I over-reacting or have I been naive?

you need specialist legal advice related to your specific situation, my love

Yes I know, just need to find it. Is this all going a bit far over a bunch of emails? Seems faintly ridiculous..am doubting nyself

Its your life - if you want to spend it with someone who cheats, lies and has no respect for you or his family then we can't stop you.

sal, information is power

educate yourself about where you stand if more dodginess is revealed

you seem to be unaware of your rights (not thinking you would ever need to know them, of course)

your H will be aware of this, and use it to his advantage if he is cheating or planning to cheat

don't stay vulnerable, empower yourself

Thanks, point taken. Am investigating now

I would be pretty devastated if I found messages like that and don't blame you for your reaction, but given your current situation (ie not been getting on, no sex for over a year etc), perhaps he was testing the water elsewhere because neither of you have been getting what you need from your relationship at the moment.

I am NOT AT ALL IN ANY WAY saying this is ok or that his flirting is your fault, but if it hasn't yet descended into full blown adultery, perhaps its not too late to save your marriage. Perhaps this is a red flag that something is very wrong and needs attention from both of you?
Whilst he is at fault with the flirting, I assume- obviously without knowing if he's just generally an arse- that the relationship breakdown is down to both of you?

I'm not saying that you condone his behaviour, but rather take it as an opportunity to say- 'ok if things have got this bad, that you are looking for affection elsewhere, then maybe now is the time to tackle the problems in our relationship'.

I guess tackling the problem may mean counselling, moving back home if living abroad is causing problems, or changing some part of your lives to make things better- or it may mean you decide to call it a day.

All I'm saying is, he has been a total arse but IF he hasn't shagged/snogged/taken it to the next level maybe you could still salvage your relationship if you want to.

Thanks plum. A helpful alternative perspective. An getting more support now.