Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Harmless flirting or emtional affair?? What to do?

57 replies

Salbertina · 06/05/2012 14:27

DP and I not getting on, lots of upheaval, no sex in 1.5 yrs (!) but we have the dc and are overseas so been muddling along. Last week I found Facebook messages between him and mum of kid in my eldest's class (keeping it close to home, nice..)

Basically starts off v chatty then quickly becomes up to 8 messages a night ( v late too) about how they have v similar likes/ how they don't know each other but feel this affinity and bond..then risques jokes such as on being bound up.. Lots of mutual comPliments and things like we all need to be loved.

. Finally dp offering "chocs and wine" as a thank you/reward for something.

He has met this woman 2x only, she is not a friend. Only been at this school for 3 months. She is single and v v attractive and younger than me, damn her! He is not specially attractive and is married.

I challenged him indirectly and after a good while he volunteered info on this but said meant nothinh, just friends blah, blah.

Ive taken off to decamp at a friends as feel betrayed and v upset. Am I over-reacting or have I been naive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Salbertina · 07/05/2012 11:22

I still don't trust him but wonder if I shouldn't have reacted so much, gonba make her appear even more attractive and me less so!

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 07/05/2012 11:40

Of course you don't trust his lies. Look at his actions - is he bothered about giving you attention, calling you, reassuring you? He needs to be investing time and energy in you and in the marriage.

Staying together because of the kids is not always a good idea - they will model their future relationships on what they are learning from you both and they will know things are not right between both of you.

fiventhree · 07/05/2012 11:43

Agree with Madabout.

He is having an emotional affair and testing the water, and he damn well knows it.

By the way, Shirley Glass is internationally respected and enormously well researched.

bananacrepe · 07/05/2012 11:53

Even if he's denying it to himself this is dangerous ground. Been there - done that - convinced myself my friendship was just that and there was nothing wrong with having a close male friend. By the time I admitted it to myself it was too late and I'd fallen for him big time. It has obviously changed my relationship with DH (who for some unknown reason still loves me) and I wish to goodness it had never happened. Try explaining to him that even if he means what he says you're still not comfortable with the situation and want him to focus on you. My DH just turned a blind eye and I wish he'd done this before it was too late. (I am NOT blaming him because it's in no way his fault and I made my own decisions, but I needed a reality check and was too much of a coward to do it myself.) Let your DH know that you won't put up with it.

Original poster
Salbertina · 07/05/2012 13:30

I asked him to leave for couple of nights but refused so kids and I may go..daunted

OP posts:
Original poster
Salbertina · 07/05/2012 15:03

Banana- v interesting to get your perspective. He's still claiming it meant nothing ..,

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 07/05/2012 15:08

Of course he is denying it all - they often do and it really messes up your head as you then start to doubt yourself Sad

AliveSheCried · 07/05/2012 15:15

Im with banana.

Id be devastated. Oh my god, the cheeky cow.

fiventhree · 07/05/2012 15:20

I think you do have to stand your ground completely on this. If you dont, he will not respect you for it, and he will use that disrespect to continue what he is doing, either with her or later on with someone else.

At the least, if he stops and this is not properly resolved and agreed upon, you are in a situation where he will feel that he was reasonable and that you were over reacting.

He is actually in denial, either with himself or both of you, about what is going on here.

Original poster
Salbertina · 07/05/2012 17:16

Probably : (. He still claims not

OP posts:
fiventhree · 07/05/2012 17:20

No doubt. Either he doesnt want to believe it, or he doesnt want you to believe it.

It doesnt make it true, though. For instance, if he was doing something innocent and not unreasonable, as he claims, why didnt he share it with you?

Original poster
Salbertina · 07/05/2012 18:21

Exactly, that's what I said. He answered by saying he doesn't share every banal email w me ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Salbertina · 07/05/2012 18:46

I know about standing my ground..and am doing so. We left this morning, alternate between thinking over-reaction and serves him damn well right and buys me thinking time

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 07/05/2012 18:52

Stay strong - I had to stand my ground with my cheating H so I do know how tempting it is to cave in and hope for the best.

Both my H and I are so glad I did otherwise we would not have been able to repair our marriage.

Original poster
Salbertina · 07/05/2012 19:03

Thanks but was leaving w kids a step too far?? I asked him to leave and as he wdnr we have.. Glad it worked out for you.. Turns my stomach when I think of the message thread.. V upset but stronger for being away

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 07/05/2012 19:23

Why do you have to leave?

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/05/2012 19:24

I mean you could ask him to go?

If he refuses, get legal advice.

While he is still in your home, do not do anything for him - cooking, washing etc.

Original poster
Salbertina · 07/05/2012 19:38

I can't stand to be under same roof w all his dismissal and
Denials. He won't go (and holds the tenancy) . We're not in uk it's complicated.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/05/2012 20:02

love, I think you should go home to your family

that is what I would do

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/05/2012 20:04

Sorry missed the bit about you being overseas - I would go home where you have real life support.

Original poster
Salbertina · 07/05/2012 20:09

I have some support here just not
Clear on legal
Side. . AF by go home do u mean back to uk? I am w my kids now so that's my family. My parents are elderly and fairly clueless and my sister is a virtual stranger, never one to help out. Not a warm family bosom to rush back to!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/05/2012 20:11

then seek the legal advice, don't delay any further

if you are originally from the UK, I would still go home

Original poster
Salbertina · 07/05/2012 20:20

Thx you're right. I think it would be mixed jurisdiction as this gas been our abode, plus got married here. Boys at school flight would be thousands.,,I can't do lightly. But i get where you're coming from.

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 07/05/2012 20:22

All the more reason to seek legal advice then.

Original poster
Salbertina · 07/05/2012 20:23

Just been checking consular website but generic local not expat lawyers listedid need tO cover both angles inc on child access. Assume I can't just take his kids out of country without permission

OP posts: