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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH is addicted to messaging women, webcam sex, sexting, facebook. dating sites!

66 replies

horribleoldbag · 05/05/2012 19:04

Hello. Please be gentle with me. My title of post sums things up in a nutshell really. This has been going on for years! In fact the woman he was with for 5 years, his ex asked him to stop. I know because he told me this. He also told me she too snooped on him, hacked into his accounts to see how bad things were etc. She left him in the end. They lived in his flat.

I guess im posting because im in despair. I can't handle it anymore, im beyond depressed! I guess im looking for light at the end of the tunnel. Would love to hear from others stories? We have big dramatic rows about it, nothing gets resolved!

We have a baby and im a sahm. He works nights. We do not have a joint bank account. He does online banking, I do not have access to this.

Im sad because this is the only issue in our relationship. Im thinking if he can't stop all this fantasy stuff then I have no option but to divorce him?!

I feel he has badly let me down, I feel such a failure even though I know in my head he has to WANT to stop!

OP posts:
horribleoldbag · 06/05/2012 22:39

Thanks for all advice, I will re read it again in morning when im alone before dd gets up. Tonight I have a strong urge to have it out with him, but have done this several times before, it just gets me no where! I just can't do this anymore. Pretend to the outside world that all is well when it isn't!

My one regret is I wish I dealt with this a few years ago. I think he thinks as I haven't fumped him he can get away with the sneaky lies and secrets, as he has been doing this for years, its a hard habit to bresk!

OP posts:
daffydowndilly · 07/05/2012 09:59

I think you need to stop focusing on what you want him to do, you have no control over that. But instead use that energy on what you want. Can you live with this, can you cope with breaking up with him, do you want to see a therapist to help you get your thoughts clearer in your mind.

Fine you say he has a sex addiction, but that is for him to recognise and work on, you can't do it for him. You can not love someone better. And he may not want to change.

You can change your life, you do have control over that. Be nice to yourself and put your needs and wants first.

daffydowndilly · 07/05/2012 10:04

And from experience with addiction, you could not have dealt with it years ago. He could have. You could have kept control of yourself years ago and more proactively decided what action you wanted take to deal with it, on your own behalf. So given him an ultimatum and carried through with the consequence for example. No amount of 'fumping' would have been able to control his actions. What you did, is what the best of us did, you loved him and chose not to see what was in front of you out of this love. You didn't put yourself first. You can change that in whatever way you want to.

Saffysmum · 07/05/2012 11:44

I so agree with what Daffy says. My ex always liked porn, when we first got together, 23 years ago, it was mags off the top shelf. Then of course with the internet, these photos were just a few clicks away. I ignored it all, we had a great sex life, 4 small kids and I turned a blind eye to it all.

Years later, it had escalated into live stuff on the web, horrible stuff, which you know all to well about. I still ignored it - but started to feel that I had to compete with nubile young women. It went against the grain, these women (many young girls) were exploited and degraded. I lost respect for him, and I started to question whether I wanted to be with a man, who had two teenage daughters himself, watching girls around their age. My teenage daughter stumbled across an open link on the family computer. It was the final straw in the rapid descent of our crumbling marriage.

I blamed myself for not taking him to task about it earlier, and saving my daughter a lot of pain. I will always kick myself for this. She has no respect for him, and feels uncomfortable around him. Then I realised that my only fault was thinking that he had it under control, and that he would have enough sense to make sure that links on the computer (and I am still baffled as to why, with a laptop, phone, etc he watched it on the family computer) would be shut.

It was only through talking it through with a counsellor that I realised that men rarely stop with the soft stuff - it's a compulsion, and like a drug they need more to get the same fix.

Please learn from my mistakes. Don't turn a blind eye, and don't think it will go away.

Like Daffy says, think about what you want, how you want to feel, and leave him to sort this out. This is his compulsion, and he is the only one who can fix it. You can't make him want to fix it. He has to do this.

janelikesjam · 07/05/2012 12:27

One problem with all this is that understandably its such an emotive issue.

But agree with Daffydown. Its really up to you what you will and won't accept in a relationship. If your partner has issues - be they mental health issues, alcohol issues, pornography issues - its really up to you what you will tolerate.

Some women tolerate all kinds of stuff and are accepting of all kinds of behaviour. Others do not. I think the difficult thing is to be in a situation where you are confused. However, sometimes I think the confusion part is actually not being assertive about your needs and wishes.

But I think only the poster can know where she stands on it all.

horribleoldbag · 07/05/2012 13:39

Just to explain "fumped" should say 'dumped", sorry for typo. Typing on my phone. Yes its his problem, however its my problem if he uses family money on his fantasy life, and lies about it and gets verbally agressive and nasty to me to act as a smokescreen, to make it out like its somehow my fault?! Wtf?! He is sometimes so cruel, he calls me a fucking spastic, a div, a fucking idiot, many others besides!

I have so much anger welling up inside, I feel like im going to say or do something I may regret! Instead I keep it all inside, im sighing all the time. He tells me to stop sighing, I think to myself I wouldn't keep sighing and going around with a miserable expression if he would only behave himself and treat me right!

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/05/2012 13:49

Short of murdering him, I'm not sure what you would say or do that you would regret.

He has no respect for you. The name-calling just confirms this. I wonder if you think you deserve this because of your previous behaviour? Well, you don't. And your baby doesn't.

So what are you going to do about it?

horribleoldbag · 07/05/2012 14:09

Right now I had no idea what I am going to do?

Over the weekend we all went out did family stuff which was nice. He is a good Dad, but a not very nice husband! Im confused about how I feel, love and hate maybe?

When he is nice and loving towards me I find myself doubting the reasons why he is doing it? Guilt?

Him working nights and being in charge of night shift allows him to get upto allsorts, he can go into the office or use his iphone. I can't monitor what he does there! Im so tired of checking up on him all the time, looking for clues etc. Im wasting my life.

I just want a happy family life! This is not a happy family, its a sham, or so it feels most of the time! :(

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 07/05/2012 15:18

You can't monitor him.

He has to change but only if he wants to.

There is nothing you can do except to change the way you are dealing with it and this means telling him that you and DC deserve a happy family life and if he refuses to change then the marriage is over.

StuckintheBellJar · 07/05/2012 15:36

I'd ask him to leave. I've been where you are and they don't change.

However if you're not comfortable ending the relationship now, could you suggest a trial seperation where he agrees to get help?

I understand that it can be too much of a wrench to deal with the end of a relationship when you're dealing with his betrayl. I hope that makes sense!

fiventhree · 07/05/2012 17:17

"I've been where you are and they don't change."

Actually a few do so, just as abusers of other substances can and do.

The real issue, the absolutely critical issue, is whether they feel there are positive consequences of change and/or negative consequences of not changing.

In this instance, he has made it crystal clear that he doesnt want to change and that he isnt prepared to. And that therefore you must change your attitude to accept it.

He also does not believe for a minute that it matters whether he changes or not, as you will put up with it. And he was prepared to lose a different relationship over this very thing.

In this particular case I cant see that there is any doubt that if you stay with him, you will definitely get more of the same.

And as I have said, I dont say that lightly, having been in a situation where my own h was doing some of those things and isnt now.

Fairenuff · 07/05/2012 20:15

He is horrible.

He is not a good father because he treats the child's mother like dirt.

He calls you names and blames you?

What are you waiting for? Why are you living like this?

I seriously think you need to stop talking about what he does and start talking about what you do OP. As in "I let him call me a fucking idiot", "I choose to live with a man who has sex with other women", "I stay with him because occasionally he is nice to me", etc. Do you see how these statements illustrate what you are allowing him to do to you.

It's not really about him, it's about you.

Enough already, it's time to move on. You don't want to live like this the rest of your life. He won't change. You can.

Once you make the decision to separate, everything will fall into place. There are loads of mners who have been there and can help you. But first you need to help yourself x

horribleoldbag · 07/05/2012 23:05

If you read my post fully you will see I never said he had sex with these women. Cybersex, sexy emails, sharing of pics not real life sex, many of these women live overseas, in other countries etc. Just thought id clarify that!

It has crossed my mind to ask for a trial separation however.................

OP posts:
fiventhree · 08/05/2012 10:28

Fairenough has made a very good point, though, and the nub of it is this:

"You don't want to live like this the rest of your life. He won't change. You can."

Fairenuff · 08/05/2012 16:25

OP I had a feeling you would say that. Out of all the things I mentioned, you jump on the one that you feel you can 'defend'. Why do you think you need to defend him?

It's cheating, it's infidelity, in my marriage that would count as 'sexual relations', call it what you will.

You are the only one who can decide what you are prepared to put up with.

The point I am trying to make is that you have already said that you don't like it, don't want it to happen, feel awful about it, etc. And yet you do nothing about it.

You are waiting in the hope that he will do something about it. And he won't. You are the only one who can change this situation.

lost888 · 16/08/2012 17:22

Hi I'm new to this sort of thing, but feel that I can't handle it anymore, I am in a similar situation myself with my other half,he always says its just harmless fun talking to these cam whores and tipping them money, they are also overseas and he can't meet up,but he can e-mail them and they send him pictures and videos, we always argue about this and he says I'm so controlling,it's gotten to a cause of where I am so frustrated and angry that I have turned to self harm. Where we live I have no friends or family around me, but even if I did I just couldn't tell them, am I wrong for trying to stop my DH going to these cam girls site.Really want some advice?Everytime he goes onto that particular site my heart breaks. Sad

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