DH is addicted to messaging women, webcam sex, sexting, facebook. dating sites!

[horribleoldbag]

Hello. Please be gentle with me. My title of post sums things up in a nutshell really. This has been going on for years! In fact the woman he was with for 5 years, his ex asked him to stop. I know because he told me this. He also told me she too snooped on him, hacked into his accounts to see how bad things were etc. She left him in the end. They lived in his flat.

I guess im posting because im in despair. I can't handle it anymore, im beyond depressed! I guess im looking for light at the end of the tunnel. Would love to hear from others stories? We have big dramatic rows about it, nothing gets resolved!

We have a baby and im a sahm. He works nights. We do not have a joint bank account. He does online banking, I do not have access to this.

Im sad because this is the only issue in our relationship. Im thinking if he can't stop all this fantasy stuff then I have no option but to divorce him?!

I feel he has badly let me down, I feel such a failure even though I know in my head he has to WANT to stop!

He is in denial btw. Addiction is my view on the situation. Im not a young woman so really I should be alot stronger.

I just can't deal with him hurting me anymore!

Getting rid of broadband wouldn't help , he has an iphone4! Sigh!

The trust has gone, and he knows that.

Oh my god, I could never trust another man again after this, the thought of it makes me shudder!

I love my in laws and they me ( I think), I really don't want to break up but you guys are right he has to want to change if this is ever going to work!

What have I done to deserve this? Im so very unhappy. All I ever wanted was a husband who truly loves me, not betray my trust and keep letting me down!
Also, my poor baby loves Daddy so much, and him her!

It seems that a lot of men have an addiction of some sort these days. I went through a terrible phase with DH because of his drinking. It hasn't stopped but it's more under control. Things can change but it will be very slowly, and you will need a lot of patience and he will need to mature loads too.

Internet addiction has not been considered an illness as such yet, but it soon will be. It can ruin marriages just as bad as gambling and drinking. It?s just another form of addiction and men are falling for it like always.

If you could speak to a counsellor about the problem, maybe he/she can give you tips on how to handle the situation.

Tell him that you have realised that you are being totally unreasonable to ask him not to persue other women and that you completely understand and will back off. Then casually mention that you WILL BE DOING THE SAME and see his reaction,he is taking the bloody piss,stand up to him and make anew decent life for you and your baby.

OP - please change your screen name. You are not a horrible old bag and even if you wrote that thinking there was some humour in it, these things really matter. Words matter. You need to start by telling yourself you are a lovely, new thing so you can start digging yourself out of this hole of low self-esteem and self blame.

I saw Relate on my own Jan 2011, she told me this is one of the biggest reasons for divorce right now. Massive global problem! Not sure Relate sessions helped me apart from listen. May have been different if husband came with me. He refused! Sigh! :(

Thanks Eurostar, I still have my sense of humour, hence the name I choose!

Like with alcoholism, you will need to find a way of coping yourself with the situation. You cannot change other people unless they're prepared to change and my experience with men so far is that they usually think they're right in what they do, they don't know much about guilt or self criticism.

Try to pamper yourself, and do things that you enjoy like watching a film or going to the gym/swimming. Try not to let HIS addiction ruin your life, or make you feel trapped.

Maybe if you log in to a website and started to flirt with other men, that will make him open his eyes. I understand you might not be in the mood for that right now, but think about it as I way of scapism.

Sorry, I meant escapism :)

The ironic thing is when I was single I exchanged sexy messages, pics, webcam, chat etc with married men on dating sites and im ashamed to say had 2 affairs with married men (who are both now divorced), it was exciting, the sex was good. I never once thought about their wives. Now the shoes on the other foot I do feel very guilty looking back now!

There are so many married men on these dating sites pretending they are single!

That doesn't mean you deserve this though. Your daughter will be devastated to find out that you put up with this crap 'for her', just leave him. And tell your in-laws why.

It's hard to leave when you have a baby, and if you don't have a secure, well paid job, I don't know how people can do it. Unless you are willing to live on benefits, and the State, which a terrible trap both for adults and children.

Also, it's important for small children to have both parents while they're growing up. The effect of a divorce can have serious consequences when they're older. I think marriage is not always rosy as people expect or depict it in films. You have to work hard to solve problems together. Maybe you will not see results straight away, but you have to exhaust all possibilities before giving up.

MmBovary - the effects of seeing your mother in a relationship in which she is abused and demeaned on a daily basis is likely to have a far more detrimental effect in the long run than your parents divorcing.

Littlefish - I agree with that too, but I would be very reluctant to advise someone with a baby to leave a relationship, without telling them first to try their hardest to address and solve the problem, in this case, his addiction.

OK, listen up! You cannot ignore this, or justify it by calling it an 'addiction'. Yes, some men like this stuff, and like starting on soft porn, they need to keep increasing the porn, to get the same hit.

Learn from my mistake. I turned a blind eye to my almost ex-husband's 'addiction' for a long time. Then his 'addiction' got worse, but like the best 'user' he became crafty and devious, and hid his habit. Until one day he slipped (they always do) and left an open link to teenage anal porn on the family computer. I didn't find it, his teenage daughter did. She went to pieces, and after 22 years of marriage, I threw him out. I kick myself everyday that I chose to ignore his 'soft porn" habit for many years.

Fast forward to the divorce petition. You need 5 examples of 'unreasonable behaviour'. I had 20, (including an affair that he denied but I subsequently found out about). So I listed the lot. And guess which one my solicitor listed on top of the petition? Yep, the porn use, and it's effect on my daughter.

It isn't right, and it isn't healthy. The fact that you are even considering justifying it, shows the damage it's done on you already. I was you a year or so ago. I thought that it was "normal". It wasn't - and I should have acted much sooner. But don't blame the porn, blame the man who's actively choosing to download it - it's not an addiction, it's a choice.

God this is such a depressing thread. I think it's a much, much more common problem than most people realise, and a huge factor in relationship breakdowns now. I think it's easy for people (not just men, but mostly men) to slip into this habit telling themselves it's harmless fun and they are not being unfaithful but when it becomes an obsession it is seedy and revolting and pathetic and makes the marriage a sham. I love the internet, but it certainly can be a force for evil.

Why do you say you want a husband who truly loves you and that there needs to be trust and yet conversely you get involved over and over with men who are basically not available to you?

You need to sort this out (and of course I think it goes without saying you need to separate, and get help if you ever feel so desperate that you want to OD.)

Here is a little straight shooting.

Hi OP

I'm so sorry this is happening to yoi. It's not the nicest thing to have to deal with at all. What you wrote is my life abd it so scary to know I'm not the only one.

I don't know why I'm replying really as I've never done anything abd I too have a little DS!

I try hard to not think of it too much as it hurts like hell and I feel like screaming at him. In the past we spoke and he was sorry, won't do it again. But he always do. I came to realize its him!!! He won't change. I thought he would change when DS was born but no he was emailing an ex.

He too does it with ppl who aren't near but it's not the point. I know how you feel abd I'm so sorry you/we have to go thought this.

If you want you can send me a private message and chat. Please hold your head up high and know its not you!!!! You haven't done anything wrong. It's all him. That's how I deal with it.

My plan is that at the moment I'm saving pennies do that when it happens again I can walk and know that I can look after me and DS. I won't let my DS grow up thinking its ok.

Sorry I couldn't be much help.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear about all you're going through. It really doesn't sound like a healthy relationship though. Sounds like he has zero respect for you, and even your dd if he's willing to risk losing you over chatting to women. I'd definitely seek legal advice..

mathanxity, you didn't read the OP's post properly. She had 2 affairs with married men when she was single, not now. She sounds regretful so why kick someone when they're down?

I don't think that maths was kicking OP, she is pointing out that OP has gone from unavailable men (married) to a man who clearly was always in large part unavailable as she knew of his behaviour from the start and went into denial and somehow convinced herself that marriage and a baby would magically make him want to drop all of this and be there 100% in their relationship instead of continually devoting time and energy elsewhere.

Yes I should have been clearer the H is not available just as the married men were not. Unavailability comes in different guises and a ring on the finger doesn't change it.

My H was doing this, porn sites and chat sites. You can see by searching my posts.

Anyway, he denied it and I was persuaded several times I got evidence that I was wrong.

Finally, I found the last one in September last year and saw a solicitor. it took an extra month to get the truth out of him, but he finally admitted it and we went together to Relate.

My h has sworn never to do this again. I have promised myself and the kids that he wont get a second chance if he does. I mean that. I truly know it.

For more than 6 months the signs have been very good.

Your situation is different, isnt it? He doesnt want to stop. He never will, until he is ready. This is about him, not you.

By the way, it is commonly accepted as a compulsion these days, rather than an addiction. It isnt an addiction, but it IS compulsive.

OP, please read every single Patrick Carnes book you can find. He is an expert on this area, and nationally recognised as the guru.

The one which will be most useful to you personally is the one on Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships, which will help you to understand why he does this and, more importantly, why you have got yourself in a relationship with him, and how to sort yourself out. You wont regret it, and it is more useful than ANY counselling, I promise you.

By the way, math, great article.

You could be writing about my life too. My H has now started psycho sexual counselling now and he says he has stopped and for now I believe him.

But the trust has gone, and I have no idea how to address that. I have 3 small children and like you OP I kick myself for allowing myself to get so far in and for not being stronger when I first found out, infact why the hell did I not snoop earlier??? Too trusting and gullible and now i'm here with 3 under 5, no job and a whole lot of work to do to feel like I even have the option to leave. I am just hoping that with H's counselling it will all come right in the end (fingers crossed and for you too)
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