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Original poster

If he's close to his ex how do you deal with it?

31 replies

GeetTallBird · 05/05/2012 11:30

I am separated, as is OH, he was married for 26 years, with teenage daughter. His wife had numerous affairs and he always took her back.

Her last affair was last year with his best mate and she left OH and their daughter for the best mate. Who dumped her. OH blames his best mate totally and hasn't spoken to him since.

Now OH doesn't want her back, she doesn't want to come back to him, and I'm a bit jealous of all the time they spend together, that OH and she are setting up a new home for her as he wants her to be happy. He's buying her a fridge and washing machine today.

We are very newly together, just 3 months or so, just not sure if I'm reading too much into this!

OP posts:
scarletforya · 05/05/2012 11:35

He so does want to get back with her OP. Come on! She was the one having affairs, he kept taking her back. He is setting up a new home for her as he wants her to be happy. Yeh right.

She doesn't want him back, that is the only reason they're not together now. he doesn't even blame her for the affair with his best friend. He blames him!

Don't be second best OP. This is a non starter.

SerendipitousHarlot · 05/05/2012 11:37

Sorry, but I agree with scarlet Sad

He should hate her for what she's done - not only is he not even angry with her, but he's buying her white goods for her new house? Wtf?

GoPoldark · 05/05/2012 12:06

No, wave him off. You're the back up plan. He'd go back in a flash if she'd have him. And at some point, when she's lonely/bored/strapped for cash, she'll probably click her fingers and that'll be that.

Regardless of that though, why would you want to be with such a blinkered doormat? She left him and her daughter, and he's setting up home for her? What a mug. I couldn't respect someone with so little judge of character. She sounds like a horrible, horrible user, and he a fool.

MrsMcEnroe · 05/05/2012 12:09

Get rid. He obviously wants her back. Or, at the very least, their shared 26-year-history will mean that he will be putting her needs ahead of yours for a long time yet.

NatashaBee · 05/05/2012 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2012 12:24

You can't get over someone just because you want to. He seems to want to be over her, but he isn't. One day he may be. Maybe he never will be.

In your situation I wouldn't hang around to find out. He still loves her. She's hurt him deeply and he doesn't blame her.

This will only end in your tears. Better to end it now. Hate to say it, but he'll probably drown his sorrows with her, if you do.

mamij · 05/05/2012 12:26

Nothing to add except I agree with the above comments. Sorry.

Lizzabadger · 05/05/2012 12:31

I have been there. He went back to her at the first opportunity. Sorry but I would end it.

Doha · 05/05/2012 13:39

Agree with all the above.
Best leave now with your dignity intact instead of waiting to be ditched.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2012 13:41

Sorry... you're the 'get my own back' girlfriend. He blames his best mate? Not her?

Original poster
GeetTallBird · 05/05/2012 14:03

I know I know. I know!!! I appreciate what you're saying.
But he does make me so happy when we're together!!
He did end it after a month of us being together as he thought he'd got too close too quick and wasnt sure if he was ready. But his ex wife and daughter both told him to go and be happy, he deserved to be happy and to stop moping about, since then it's been lovely. He feels that if his ex could be happy then he could breathe a sigh of relief and get on with his life.

I totally see what youre saying about me being a back up and a get your own back girlfriend, thing is, he could be a get your own back boyfriend for me! Maybe we are both on the rebound.

But am I allowed to be happy with him right now??

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2012 14:05

As long as you realise it's a short-term thing and enjoy it for what it is... no problem.

Doha · 05/05/2012 14:20

If you can be happy knowing that you are the back up plan and it may end at any minute then yes go for it.

But why waste the time, energy and worry waiting for it to happen.
Life is too short to waste

ZZZenAgain · 05/05/2012 14:23

I don't think you are reading too much into it. Isn't this all too hurtful for you?

Original poster
GeetTallBird · 05/05/2012 14:35

I don't know if hurtful, but a bit stressful yeah!

OP posts:
garlicbutty · 05/05/2012 14:35

On reading your title, I thought this was going to be a "Chill out and be happy you've got a man who likes women!" thread. But - er, no, in this case you're not BU. It looks like he's still in love with her.

Your story did remind me a little of mine, though. My ex's next wife thought he was over-invested in me, as we were still financially linked and he was obliged to help with my home renovations. She couldn't have been further from the truth. He'd manipulated me into the situation so as to retain financial control and get out of having to sell our his place. I'm sure he misrepresented it to her, to keep her on the back foot as well.

Either way, it's a poor start to a relationship and you'd be very, very silly to be hoping for long-term involvement.

Original poster
GeetTallBird · 05/05/2012 14:38

Forgot to say, he's taken time off work so we can go away together and he's booked the hotel etc, he's doing all the future planning.
So it could mean that he's just a very nice bloke who wants everyone to be happy, or he's a devious twat...I really do think the former!

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 05/05/2012 14:41

I agree, he wants to be with her. Sorry. Walk away

garlicbutty · 05/05/2012 14:55

Tbh, it's his blaming the friend that bothers me more than the domestic appliances. He kept going back to her despite numerous affairs. She can do no wrong.

Possibly he's just a pushover but what happens when she wants him back? Or when you both need him at the same time?

Did he tell you the dates when you'd be going away together? Was it a total surprise?

Houseofplain · 05/05/2012 15:04

You say.

But am I allowed to be happy with him right now??

You aren't though are you? You know it's not right. It's stressful you said so, it's why you asked here. Personally I think you'll always be looking for the time she clicks her fingers and he goes.

MrsHoarder · 05/05/2012 16:24

People can remain good friends after the rockiest of breakups, especially if there's the incentive of ensuring that children are well cared for and living in a suitable home (do their children stop there?)

If he's regularly dropping your arrangements for her, then he might have a problem, but otherwise I'd be glad that he's mature enough to act the adult after a divorce with children involved. Even blaming the friend can make sense given context, and that's the only worrying thing to me in your post.

Original poster
GeetTallBird · 05/05/2012 16:38

No we were out on Wednesday and he showed me the hotel and asked which dates were good for me. He wants me to go to Sheffield with him in summer aswell.
BTW His daughter lives with him, she doesn't really want much contact with her mum. I think he feels really sorry for his ex, all their mutual friends dropped her and his best mates wife and her mum regularly shout abuse at the ex wife which is why she's moving somewhere different!

OP posts:
perplexedpirate · 05/05/2012 19:23

I was going to say that bring friends with an ex is actually a v good sign but in all honesty this sounds a bit much.
Sorry, but I agree with the posts above.

MadAboutHotChoc · 05/05/2012 19:43

The fact that he blames his friend is a real problem.

He sounds very attached to her.

MrsMcEnroe · 05/05/2012 19:51

I think that the fact that you and he only got back together because his ex told him to is very telling.