Why?

[lostboysfallin]

I posted recently about dh going for a few too many impromptu client drinks, was pretty much reassured that it could be ok, nothing too much to worry about.

But he actually lied the other night. I called him at 5ish, no reply in office or mobile. He then told me he popped out for a sandwich, was back in the office at 7.
I've just found a receipt for £50 bar tab, signed off at 6.45.
So why lie, he could have told me he went out with colleague and then back to the office.
Why lie
I'm really annoyed.
He went out for an hour in Monday night with some female colleagues, no problem

Why lie? Why does a kid standing next to a broken window say 'I didn't do it?' Because they feel guilty about their actions and they don't want to face the music. If he was legitimately out with a client, he'd have been up front. If it's something more clandestine or underhand, he'll keep it quiet.

Sorry, but this doesn't look good - on one hand, hes having an affair, on the other he is an inveterate liar and will continue to do so. Either way, he is a cunt

Hi Lostf

I just looked at your other threads in relationships.

He is stressy, busy, and not trying much at counselling. You have had a funny feeling about this before.

I think he may well be having an affair. I have learned that you should trust your instincts on this issue- I didnt, kept rationalising them away, and believing lies, and I bitterly regret it.

You need to KNOW what he is up to. I would be tempted to have him followed, tbh. I know I will get flamed for saying so, but I can tell you that suspicions of this sort which cant be proved and which build up over time, will make you ill. And he will probably never admit it without evidence. They usually dont.

I think it would certainly explain his distant and difficult behaviour, and why you are making no progress in counselling.

Definitely an affair I am afraid. Pay a surprise visit to the office and check up on where he is going and with whom.

Sorry but I agree with the others - he is hiding something

I'm pretty sure it was just a colleague, the bar was right next to work, if he's carrying on with someone he's not going to do it that close to home.
He was out Monday for an hour or so, clients for a couple of hours tues, this was wed and we went out thurs, for our anniversary. Haha.
He was supposed to catch up with a friend (that I don't really know) last night, but canceled, stayed at work til 8.30.

He is supposed to be working less, drinking less, trying to destress, I honestly think he just wants me to think it's clients or working so I won't give him a hard time.
And he went on and on about how late and how hard he worked while me and DS were away, but I know he was out on it large for 2 nights, one with a friend of ours!

But then honestly, he could be up to anything and how would I know?

We actually met in work, and kept our relationship secret for a long time.

It's actually been loads better the last couple of weeks, we were away last weekend and things were almost back to being good

Bollocks
I would like to have him followed.
Me turning up at the office isn't really practical, or me tracking him down

Two things - you would like to have him followed - so you are not that sure he isn't doing the dirty then. If you managed to keep your relationship a secret then why coudlnt he now.

But soemthing jumped out at me from your last post "he is supposed to be working less,drinking less, etc"

I think his could have a drink problem - £50 is not a bar tab for a few drinks with collegues after work, unless there are ten of them! So either he's dining out in style or he's knocking back the booze - that would explain the dishonesty actually

I agree with that last point. If he's getting through £50 a night, even if it's on expenses, that's quite a bill for a drink. And boozing four nights a week won't 'de-stress' anyone... alcohol is a depressant.

OP, I've been through this, so I hope you don't think I'm being harsh.

You say:

"I've just found a receipt for £50 bar tab, signed off at 6.45.
So why lie, he could have told me he went out with colleague and then back to the office."

He didn't go back to the office. He's just spent £50 on food/drink - he's not going to go back to the office.

What time did he get home?

I think he's up to something. I think everyone who lies is up to something.

Lucy, yes that's why I mentioned how our relationship was.

He doesn't have a drink problem, supposed to be drinking and eating less, simply to be healthier and in an attempt to get some balance in his life. He's on some really vicious circle re drinking, eating, tiredness, stress.
He can go for days without drinking.
But he's really not trying, that's what I think he's hiding
£50 from 5pm to 645, actually he could have started earlier, and I have no idea how many people

I'm not putting my head in the sand about this, any way you look at it, it just doesn't really make sense.

Well, yes, unless it was a bill for two.

He did go back to the office, I called him.
He could have then left.
He got home about 9.30

When someone lies, whatever the reason, it makes it impossible for you to trust anything they say. It's really frustrating to be lied to.

If he has only gone days without drinking it is very possible that he has a drink problem.

One way or the other, it isnt good, is it? He is trying to work less, he says. But he isnt always at work when he says he is. I think it is one of two things- either he is using work as an excuse for socialising or as an excuse for an affair. He knows that you are unhappy with his behaviour, and has even indicated some guilt about it. But he isnt committed to sorting it out, and he is making it clear that yours needs and happiness are less important than his.

My h, who was also a workaholic, and stressed all the time, was bullshitting me too, even about the work stuff ie even when he was there, he now admits he didnt need to be as much as he said.

Abitwobbly had a good point on this from her counsellor- who said that when men are emotionally unavailable, they often organise their lives around work or a must do hobby or whatever. It it so true.

Your h is emotionally unavailable to you, and plans to stay that way.

Yeah fiventhree, he's all talk
Ultimately he does whatever he wants to do.

And yes Mobly, once someone lies you can't believe a word they say

So what will you do next?

My h didnt change his behaviour until he was certain I was going to leave him.

Then he did, to be fair.

The thing is, I wasted 6 years nearly (5 and a half) trying to get to the bottom of his lies about his internet women stuff, all evidence explained away etc.

I now see, after alot of thinking and action and counselling, that he only got away with what he thought he could get away with.

And same with the work attitude, I was always trying to get to the bottom of why every bloody piece of work he had, every project he was on, every place he worked, apparently required him to work such long hours.

The answer? It was in him, and about him and his issues. And he didnt want to sort those out, because he didnt want to, as he thought he could get away without doing so. Sure, I might moan, but ultimately he could do what he wanted. It was water off a ducks back.

However, when I made serious plans to leave, and even I thought I was serious, he sorted himself out sharpish.

Why did you have to keep your relationship a secret - was it an affair?

No, not an affair, just frowned upon. And then my boss said I shouldn't have a relationship with him. He met his wife at work
Tbh they all just gossiped so much and we hated it, that we just kept it from them

No-one can answer why he is lying to you

I think all you can do is try & protect yourself a bit, I would back off from him. I know it's easier said than done but I have lived with liars and it just makes life so complicated and unsettled. It's not worth the aggro.

I would insist on a separation until he can (if he can?) get his act together and treat you with respect. I would make him aware that you know he is lying but I wouldn't badger him for the truth. I would make it clear that you won't be prepared to waste your breath and time on conversing with someone whose words are meaningless.

Don't know why I'm bothering, he's so bloody horrible sometimes

Had some major rows today so this subject might become irrelevant!

Hope that you're ok, OP

Best wishes and hope that things work out well for you!

Hope you're ok. You deserve better.

Thanks
Had pretty awful weekend
But I'm fine
No idea what I'm going to do.
Wish I'd gone home for the weekend