Why?

[lostboysfallin]

I posted recently about dh going for a few too many impromptu client drinks, was pretty much reassured that it could be ok, nothing too much to worry about.

But he actually lied the other night. I called him at 5ish, no reply in office or mobile. He then told me he popped out for a sandwich, was back in the office at 7.
I've just found a receipt for £50 bar tab, signed off at 6.45.
So why lie, he could have told me he went out with colleague and then back to the office.
Why lie
I'm really annoyed.
He went out for an hour in Monday night with some female colleagues, no problem

What do you want to do?

If you are unsure, its always a good idea to start exploring your options and get information so that you know where you stand. I would suggest finding out about your legal and financial rights so see a solicitor/CAB.

Hi Lost, have just seen your post on the other thread. Are you saying your DH cheated on you with your SIL? If so, I can see why you are so suspicious of him.

TBH, I am really struggling to understand why you are still with this man. I have had a quick look at some of your posts and he sounds thoroughly unpleasant. You hardly see him in the week due to the hours he works, then he spends all weekend either sleeping or being horrible to you and your DS. What is his hold over you? I can only assume he has some good points, but from your posts it is hard to see what they are.

This is your life, Lost, you only get one crack at it. Do you see yourself, and your DS, living like this for another 5 years? 10 years? Is this really what you want out of life?

Hi CB, no he didn't cheat, just had huge fallout with my brother, he was horrible to my brother, just vile and my brother was heartbroken.
There are reasons why I have stayed, firstly it was money, but mainly because he refuses to leave.
Late last year we started counselling, for me a last ditch attempt.
And somehow I started to get a bit hopeful. He swears he loves us and will do anything but when push comes to shove, his anger and resentment shine through. Are they his true colours? Probably.

I don't know what I'm hanging on for. We would all be happier separately, he says he can't afford to move out, but happily blows hundreds of pounds on dinners and nights out.

When it's good, it's good, but the bad times have been outweighing the good for a while now

There is also the thought that he needs help, depression, burnout, he has been a man on the edge if a nervous breakdown for a while now.
But does nothing to help himself

Im sure you are right about that- that he is depressed etc. I am sure he is right about how he feels.

That isnt the issue, as only he can change himself.

The issue is, are you happy, has this gone on long enough with no solution, etc etc.

In other words, what can you do to put boundaries around your own life, given he isnt willing to change?

You could leave him- what he says he can or cannot afford is not the issue- you dont think that is right anyway.

Or you could live separately from him, expecting nothing, and get on with your own life as though he had left. I did try this myself, and just couldnt, although it suited him fine at the time.

The key thing for you is to take back control of your own life and happiness, and work out how to do that.

He's just come in now and all hell has broken loose again.
Bloody hell, it's like a whirlwind.
He threw a cuddly elephant off a chair to put his bag down and in the process knocked DS's DVD player off, then started shouting about why it was in a slippery surface anyway.
Then started shouting at me that my only problem is the traffic and the faulty house alarm and oh how he'd love my life
He's so resentful.
I told him if he going to start on that again, I am leaving right now and then he backtracked and said he's been ill for 4 days(first I heard was yesterday)
And why can't I be nice to him, it's just the noise he can't stand.
The "noise" was DS trying to tell him about Shaun the sheep, but no he wanted DS to drop everything and run into his arms.

Fiventhree, I have no money to leave(Working on that) and he won't leave, he doesn't actually have spare funds to rent, but could if he just stopped spending for a month.

Please see a solicitor for advice on getting him to leave and also about your financial rights.

Why are you not able to access your account? I would get some advice about this and also contact CAB about child tax credit/benefits etc.

Your H sounds horrible, and you and your children shouldn't have to live in a toxic atmosphere

he can afford to move out, he simply chooses not to and to blow his money on the Good Life, at your family's expense

call time on him, you are enabling his shitty treatment of you

I do have access to our account and there is money for normal household things but I don't have any money of my own.
I recently got a ppi refund which is sitting firmly in my account.
I haven't told him about it. Which I know is very bad.
I have seen a solicitor and he knows this

I think this is the end
He knows it, once he accepts it it will be easier.

It's never bad to have your own money. It's also totally understandable why you would keep it secret when you're in a relationship with someone that blows thousands on themselves without much thought. If lack of a regular income is holding you back, get things like CB and and CTC paid into your personal account from now on and create a bit of 'spare' in the housekeeping. Build up some funds at the same time as talking to a solicitor and then you'll increase your options. There's nothing worse than being trapped for the sake of a few quid.

Lost

I do feel for you. I know how it feels to have no job and worry about housing, cash and kids if I leave. Because I used to feel like this.

What happened to me was that I saw a solicitor in July and threatened it. A false fresh start ensued, but it didnt last. Then in early October I made plans to leave, and moved out of the bedroom.

What was different that time is that family knew, and he knew they did, and I completely withdrew from him not the other way around. An appointment at Relate came up, which we had sought in August (we live in a remote place for services), so we still went. I thought that at least we could get an amicable split, or less acrimonious anyway.

In my case, h really changed and started to make an effort once this happened. In a room with a male counsellor, he cut all the crap and prevarication and self justification.

I am not telling you this because I think this may happen to you. I note you have already been to counselling. I think the message I am putting forward is that I got change in my relationship, as I drew a line finally over what I could live with, and critically, I meant it. I really would have left, no question. He understood and believed this, and it is that which made the difference.

Either way, how could I lave lost? I felt quite exhilarated actually, taking back control of my life. If things hadnt worked out, at least I knew for sure that things would never have changed, and I already knew finally that I couldnt tolerate what I was getting. And that all those excuses for withdrawing emotionally which he used to give me were just that, excuses.

I realise it's not the most appealing but there are benefits that you can access as a single parent & while you mightn't be well off you would manage.

Yes, do set up child benefits etc to go direct to your bank account - and I would start building up a slush fund for emergencies so that you know you will be ok for the first few months when you leave him.