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Original poster

fed up with arguing about sex - in late pregnancy

27 replies

Loonybun · 05/05/2012 09:06

I've posted a few threads over the last few months. Things have been difficult. I've had severe antenatal depression with dc 2 due in 5 weeks time. Husband has been stressed at work. My mum is toxic. Etc etc.

This last week or so I'm slipped down into a depressiion again. Not helped by anxiety about my maternal request elcs due to previous traumatic brith, woRries over bonding with baby, and general meh-ness with life. I know I have been difficult to be around. I'm not being chatty or affectionate with dh. I know I should be but by the time dh comes home at 7pm I'm shattered. I do make general conversation but he says he feels I'm just going through the motions and ticking it off my checklist.

One of the main issues we have is that we used to have a lot of sex - usually every day twice a day, right up till very recently. This has now dwindled due to my complete loss of sex drive - probably due to anxiety and late pregnancy discomfort. Dh fails to understand this and thinks I have fallen out of love with him and find him "repugnant". This is not true. But I do have no interest in sex.

I have explained this is probably just temporary. He says he sees it going on for months as I will then recover from elcs and then baby will cause tiredness etc. I feel like he is pressuring me and I don't like it. I said if roles were revered I would be understanding. He says he is but its my lack of bother about it all that upsets him as its become clear that sex is much more important to him in the relationship than to me. He is also upset that we have no physical contact at all. I am not interested in cuddling etc as I feel he takes this to mean I want more and then he seems hurt all over again.

How do we resolve this with a baby due in 5 weeks? He's normally loving and supportive but he's clearly fed up and feeling unloved. But I don't want to have sex for the sake of it. And I do think he's being a bit of an arse about this.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 05/05/2012 09:09

Yes he is being an arse!

WitchOfEndor · 05/05/2012 09:14

He is being a total arse. I suggest sharing the night feeds once baby appears. Apart from enabling him to understand how tired you are, him losing sleep too should help put a dent in his sex drive for a while.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2012 09:16

You need to talk and be honest with each other. He clearly sees sex as very important, affirmation of love and (I suspect) uses it as stress-relief. Twice a day also sounds to me like he saw it as part of his daily routine like brushing teeth... bit formulaic and perfunctory? Hmm Make it clear that your lack of interest in sex is due to your depression and anxiety rather than a rejection of him and that you are not trying to hurt his feelings. Explain you're happy to cuddle but only if there is no assumption of sex.... see if you can compromise with 'affectionate' rather than 'intimate'.

Ultimately you have to stand up for yourself and not feel bad about it. He has to find about 100 x more sensitivity than he's currently displaying. Good luck

Original poster
Loonybun · 05/05/2012 09:25

Thank you for the feedback. I feel like I'm being very unreasonable (he says) so I needed to hear I'm not.

Apart from this he's a great partner. He wants to share all the baby duties including night feeds - and you're right I'm hoping this will dent his sex drive a bit and make him see sense (this will be his first dc, dd aged 8 is from previous relationship).

We talked lots about this last night and he says he sees sex as an intregal part of our relationship - he can't understand I do too but at times of stress etc I can take it or leave it. Its not the be all. He seems hurt just by me sayiing that.

He thinks lots of sex equals happy relationship, equals wife loves him. Whereas for me our long term relationship and being a supportive unit is more important. He says being a couple and having imtimacy is just as important.

I got very angry. He's making it sound like this is forever when I'm betting its just late pregnancy and suchlike!! I did apologise for being so distant and said I would try more to talk / get the old me back. But I have to be honest and by te time I get to sit down at 10pm after we've done everything (he does help equally by the way) I just want to sleep!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2012 09:28

He's shooting himself in the foot, of course. By getting your back up and making you feel pressurised you're even less likely to feel aroused by him. Does he realise that?

Bluebelle38 · 05/05/2012 09:36

He knows you don't find him repulsive. He is saying it to make you feet guilty.

He sounds really selfish. it is not like you don't have reason to not be in the mood for sex all the time.

Tell him to cut you some slack and grow up.

ThereGoesTheYear · 05/05/2012 09:43

He is being a selfish, insensitive arse. Putting aside the emotional aspects of what you're going through, he has no idea what it feels like to be heavily pregnant. But he is still sulking because at 35wks you're not servicing his needs! Unbelievable! I hope for your sake that he really does pull his head out of his arse when the baby is born, and pull his weight.
How can this childish petulant behaviour make you want to spend any time with him let alone shag him?!

sassy34264 · 05/05/2012 09:45

i would say to him that sex is completely off the menu. from now to at least 6 weeks after c section (or even longer) then maybe you can cuddle without feeling like it will lead to sex.

i would be shouting on top note at my dp if he had tried to force his sexual needs/ requirements at me when i was heavily pregnant. it is just totally unacceptable, selfish and childish. he is also showing absolutely no understanding or empathy towards your situation.

you are being overly reasonable as far as i can tell, cos i would tell him to grow the fuck up!

lucyellensmumnamechange · 05/05/2012 09:46

He is behaving really badly, i suspect he is quite an insecure person and needs the sex to reassure him that you still love him. But he needs to realise that the world does not revolve around him. MAybe he is concerned about the dynamics of the relationship once your baby comes along.

Tell him you are banning sex for a week (or however long you think) but that cuddles are very much mandatory - this way he may see that you can have intimacy without sex. Once you are back on track in that way, you'll feel less pressured and more inclined to want to have sex

Chubfuddler · 05/05/2012 09:47

God what a selfish twat. I couldn't come for a man who treated me like this. Does he think you can? Or does he not care as long as he gets his rocks off?

I am like Angry Angry Angry thinking about a man whose only concern about your recovery from a c section is how soon you can shag.

Twat.

DairyNips · 05/05/2012 09:48

Wow, he is being really selfish and not understanding at all. A lot of pregnant women go off sex whether they feel depressed or not. It is ok just to not want it sometimes too.

I am 8 months pg and I think we've done it 3 times since I got my bfp. I just don't feel like it and am far too uncomfortable or tired most of the time. My dh hasn't complained once.

purplewithred · 05/05/2012 09:58

twice a day????????????? blimey.

kittycatwoman · 05/05/2012 09:59

what a totally selfish cunt he is. 5 weeks due and he wants to force himself on you ? Tell him in no uncertain terms that sex is off the menu for at least 6 months. He can wank himself to death if he wants any release.Dont give him a BJ or anything that will make it worse.

FashionEaster · 05/05/2012 10:00

Put chili in all his food so he has perpetual heart-burn, knee him in the back and stomach all night long and strap a bowling ball to his front...and then ask him if he fancies getting jiggy?

Or alternatively, tell all the women in your and his family that he's complaining about the lack of sex...he needs someone like his mother or, like I have, a blunt-speaking great aunt of 80 to put him right!

HereIGo · 05/05/2012 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr · 05/05/2012 13:08

What a total berk he is making of himself.What would he do if you became ill or had to saty in hospital with a poorly child,he needs to grow the fuck up and realise that his sexual needs arent the reason the world turns round.
Oh yeah and if he thinks things will get better quickly after the baby is born he can think again

MariaCallous · 05/05/2012 13:26

Agree with everyone he's being an utter arse. Think that during both my pregnancies and immediate aftermath dh and I must have averaged sex about 3 times a year. And there was no petulant man child crap coming from dh just support. I like the idea of cuddles mandatory for a week but don't think this is about affection and fear no matter what was agreed he would try for sex and sulk.

I know you are concerned about the birth and bonding and want to share my background. Ds was my dc2. Not planned and had crippling antenatal depression. Couldnt see anything to look forward to, just a never ending grind. I won't say first few months were easy but I got counselling for the depression, bonded with DS from the moment I had him (which was pre counselling) and honestly have never been happier. He has just turned one and I can't believe I ever didn't want him in my life. I look at my dd and ds every day and just can't believe my luck. Dh isn't bad either.

extremestupidity · 05/05/2012 13:32

baby due in five weeks? he wants sex? he needs to grow up.

brianbennettfan · 05/05/2012 16:52

What ledkr said.

Tell him to start praying that you go overdue, at which point you may - just may - allow him to give you a bloody good rogering make love to you. That's if the pineapple, raspberry tea and vindaloo haven't worked!Wink

SwedishEdith · 05/05/2012 17:03

Grin @ "wank himself to death"

MmBovary · 05/05/2012 22:44

Everyday, twice a week, even if not pregnant, I would find that more like chore than a joy!

Did you say this is your second child? I can't believe he didn't learn anything from the first one. Having a baby is a major event in a couple's life, it's physically and emotionally exhausting for both. I can't believe he's only thinking about himself and his childish needs.

startail · 05/05/2012 23:48

Tell him to piss off for 5 weeks.
Then sex can be very useful, avoided DD1 being induced.
Then he can piss off for another 6 plus weeks.

Nagging is a real turn off, why do DHs need telling thisHmm

Inadeeptrance · 06/05/2012 00:10

Wow he is being very selfish. He should be putting you and your needs first right now. He needs to get a grip (no pun intended) and grow up!

RachyRach30 · 06/05/2012 04:00

I was going to say couldn't you give him the odd bJ now and again. I can see why he is feeling this way if he's used to it twice a day 7 days a week. I think he like others have said connects it with love, security etc.

I can see how you don't feel like doing it esp now your in late stages and you have depression but when was the last time you did it with him? It must be hard for him to go from twice a day to nothing. I don't do it with my husband that much and if I suddenly just stopped he would prob think I had gone off him. Yes I know your pregnant but men just don't see it that way, partly because they don't know what it's like t o be pregnant and what I t feels like, maybe try and understand him a bit more too. How could he understand fully how you feel when they don't have the babies. Also just a thought with your first one did you still have sex with him through that pregnancy? Maybe he's comparing it.

MarieFromStMoritz · 06/05/2012 05:06

I agree with the PP. We have not been able to have sex for nearly 4 months due to complications in my pregnancy, but I still give DH the occasional hand job whilst he plays with my breasts. I don't see this as any big deal, tbh.

Your DH obviously feels rejected, especially as you will not even cuddle him.

He is being an arse, but I am sure there is a compromise.