husband may have postpartum depression

[maryjane23]

I really don't know what to do, my husband is suffering from depression and it's affecting us all really badly. I feel really bad for him, but I feel even worse for our 13 month old daughter, who is being deprived of a daddy, as even when he's around these days, he's not present.

He's seen a therapist for the past 2 weeks, the therapist seemed to think he might have postpartum depression, although he's had depression before and he can also be very manic at times, so I'm wondering if he might be bi-polar. He also has ADHD, which he was managing without drugs before the birth of our daughter, but after she was born and he couldn't find time to exercise and had the constant demands of a new baby to deal with, his symptoms became unmanageable and he's now been on the medication for a few months.

We went to visit his parents in Australia when our DD was 8 months old, and he basically had a nervous breakdown. Since we got home, I thought he was getting better as he started the medication and it seemed to help. He went back to work and seemed OK, but 3 weeks ago he sank into a major depression. With the depression (lying down a lot, not talking, crying randomly etc), there is also a huge amount of anger at everyone and everything. I feel like I'm constantly on tenderhooks. I also feel like he has a huge amount of resentment towards us (me & DD) just bubbling under the surface. I dread weekends now and evenings when he comes home. It's like I can't say or do anything right, I feel like I can barely breath. It's such a shame as me & DD have such a lovely, fun time here at home when it's just us two, but when he comes home, the whole atmosphere changes.

I've been trying to be as supportive as possible, giving him space when I think he needs it & comfort when he lets me, letting him talk about how he feels when he's open to it (although the things he's saying seem increasingly irrational and almost obsessive, which makes me worry). There have been a couple of times I've reacted badly (basically told him off because I can't cope with how he's being) and its ended it terrible arguments. I feel awful about this, as I really don't want to make anything worse, but I'm finding it so so hard to deal with. I just don't know what the right way to be is in this situation.

I'm looking for some suitable childcare so I can make more time for him, as I'm hoping having 'us' back might help him feel better in himself and towards me & our DD. He's been sleeping on the couch for ages, as our DD still wakes a lot at night, and he can't deal with being that tired, so I've been doing nights pretty much the whole time. I don't mind, but even getting more sleep doesn't seem to make a difference to his state of mind.

I'm worried about the effect all this will have on our DD, she is so wonderful and happy generally, but I've noticed lately she's been especially getting separation anxiety from me if I'm away from her for even the briefest of moments (even though she's with good friends). I also feel heartbroken when she reaches for him and he turns away from her.

In terms of my own feelings, I feel really unhappy. I'm generally a very positive, optimistic person, but I feel so trapped and oppressed by his overwhelming negativity and dark moods and eruptions of rage. We live in a small 1 bedroom flat and there is no option to get any space from each other when we're both home.

He no longer seems to have any compassion towards me or seems able to express any real love (he says 'I love you', but in a very toneless, perfunctory way). If I cry, he doesn't comfort me (in fact he hates me crying, because he thinks I'm doing it to emotionally manipulate him, not because I'm just feeling sad). I know it comes from his mother and the way she would always use her ill health to guilt trip and emotionally manipulate him, so he has some very deep resentment about that.

I had no idea things would be like this if we had a baby, this is not the type of family situation I wanted in a million years. I would do anything I could to make it better, but I feel quite powerless, as it's within his own head and I have no control over that, he will only get better in his own time, and through his own efforts, if he's able. But there are a lot of 'ifs'. I know he's suffering from an illness and it's not his fault, but we are suffering too, it affects us all so terribly.

I thought it might help everyone if he got some space from us, as I feel like he resents us so much (or rather is projecting his resentment about the things he's unable to control in his life onto us), and also get some proper rest and headspace. But he absolutely hated the idea and is not prepared to go anywhere.

I don't know what to do, or how to cope in this situation. Any ideas...?

I'm sure someone much more knowledgeable will come along in a minute, but in the meantime, just wanted to say, you poor love. What a difficult start to family life.

My only thought, initially, if your DH won't consider going anywhere, is maybe for you and your DD to go away for a few days. Is your family local to you, or a friend with a spare room? If you have family, it might be possible to stay with them during the week so your DH can have a normal working week and get some proper sleep. Lack of sleep can exacerbate mental health problems no end, and I know you are dealing with all night wakings with your DD, but if DH is sleeping on the couch and aware of the noise, his nights will be disturbed too and he will have more trouble coping with things.

Was your DH okay in the run-up to you having your DD? Had you planned to start a family, and was he happy during your pregnancy and looking forward to being a father?

Has he been back to the doctor recently. You say he is on meds for ADHD but you don't mention anything for the depression / possible bipolar stuff.

Is the doc NHS (part of a whole treatment plan) or private (just going along to see if it helps but separate from other issues drugs etc).

It sounds incredibly hard. I really feel for you. I had depression and anxiety through pregnancy and early years (still got it) and of course when you are in a bad place that is where you are. But if he is unable to communicate, show anything for DD even briefly and faking it, basically not functioning at all he needs proper medical help.

Sorry that meant to say is the therapist private or part of a treatment program all linked up.

And with the faking thing, I felt that with my own children that I was putting it on much of the time, showing them affection which I didn't feel on the inside but I could did it IYSWIM. If he can't even raise a pretend smile for his baby then that is a serious thing IMO.

I very much doubt he has PND as he hasn't actually had a baby and doesn't appear to be doing any childcare.

Turning away from your daughter for example is just plain nasty and abusive (especially as you infer it has happened more than once).

Tbh it doesn't matter whether he is depressed or not he is making your life unbearable and you deserve better. The fact that he won't leave rings alarm bells too. I think you need to think about how long you can out up with this and what happens if he doesn't start behaving better.

Have you any support from family etc?

You say that 3 weeks ago he sank into a major depression, but from what you said he is still going to work each day? Does he manage to hold it together at work, do you know? If he is clinically depressed, then surely the therapist he is seeing or his GP would sign him off work? It just seems odd that he is able to function outside the home, but can't even smile at or hold his daughter.

I noticed that too takeitaway. Sorry OP I know I am being cynical and he could well be depressed but that doesn't mean you have to put up with his behaviour.

Thank you all for your supportive comments, I appreciate it so much as this feels like a very isolating situation. Although I have good friends, you know how it is with a baby when you're at home so much.
takeitaway - yes, I've considered staying with a friend, but I'm concerned for the disruption for my DD as the set up would not be great. But if things continue like this, I think this may be my only option. And you make a good point, if he gets some proper rest, perhaps he will be more well & hopefully things could get a bit easier.
Yes, we totally planned to have a baby, in fact, he was even broodier than me! I've been lucky as motherhood has come very naturally, but I don't think he realised quite how much the sacrifices parenthood involve would affect him. He also likes to feel in control of things in his life, which as far as I can tell isn't really compatible with having a new baby in your life!
I'm not sure how he's coping at work, I think it helps as he can get really absorbed in it & shut everything else out, but he's had some altercations with a colleague, so sounds like his anger may be getting the better of him there too. He's a contractor, so not sure he's eligible for sick leave. He was off for a few months after the breakdown, but hanging around at home didn't seem to help him either.
SardineQueen - he was diagnosed with ADHD on the NHS, but the waiting list to see the specialist is so long (still about 4 months away) he ended up going to a private psychiatrist. The therapist is also private. Both costing a bomb... Sorry to hear you suffered with depression & anxiety, I can't imagine how hard it would be as a mum having to cope with the bulk of childcare. I hope things are a bit better for you now.
No, no family support in terms of practical help (my mum died when I was 10 and Dad and stepmum not really able to help). My sister is an ex-addict and alcoholic, and still quite volatile. It's taken me a while to accept she can't help me when I helped her nearly every day for years when her 2 kids were small. Don't mean to sound bitter, I'm actually grateful I haven't had her problems and feel sorry for her.
AbigailAdams - yes, I see what you're saying. I really don't want to put up with shit, not for my sake or for the example it will (when she's old enough to notice) give my DD, however, I do want to be there for him if he's ill and help him if at all possible, towards recovery so we can all be a family. I think time will tell on this one, as if he is genuinely ill, he still needs to follow up on treatment and doing the work on himself to recover. If he can't do this, then I will have to start thinking about if we can go on together.

I also agree that he may be using his mental health as a means to manipulate you , something he learned from his mother .

Please don't put DD in daycare to devote more time to DH.

You can't fix him. Professionals need to do that and it may harm your DD as she is already anxious - seeing less of you is not going to be good for her.

Oh no, I wasn't planning to put her in daycare! Just a few hours with a good babysitter on Sat afternoons so we could have a bit of time for each other (and having a bit of a break wouldn't be bad for me either). Sorry that prob wasn't very clear in my original post, obviously DD is my no.1 priority. He's a grown up, whatever he's going through it's ultimately his responsibility. You're right in saying I can't fix him and I'm prob putting too much pressure on myself to try. Fingers crossed the professionals can help...

If he has had depression before, it is likely that even if he gets over this episode (which could take years) that it will keep coming back in cycles. My exH coped with children by drinking and severe depression, and 5 years + on I finally cottoned on to that I could be as loving and nice as possible, but it made no difference to his depression or how he treated me. In hindsight, I should have left years ago and spent some of that energy focusing on myself and our children. I now believe it is not the right approach to focus on trying to make someone else better, they need to do that for themselves, and the only responsibility we have is to ourselves. That way we can be the people we deserve to be and keep that focus on ourselves and bringing up our children. And that gives the ill person the respect they deserve by being treated as a competent adult.

p.s. if you google 'depression fallout' there is a chat board with good advice from experiences from partners of depressed people and discussion about coping.

It's not clear from your post whether he's on any medication for the depression. If not, he should go to the GP or his psychiatrist and get a prescription.

I've had times when I've been really depressed and I could not be around children at all. I felt like they could see straight through me to what a horrible person I was. Luckily this was before I had my own DC. Since then, I've got better at recognising the signs and getting help before I sink that low again.

This must be so horrible for both of you but it is his responsibility to get the help he needs. I know he's getting some help but it's obviously not working yet. He needs to go back to the Dr's. Does he know you are considering whether you can go on together? It could be the wake up call he needs.

I am so sorry TheJoyfulPuddleJumper, I didn't mean to offend you. FWIW I would never have written that on a thread of someone who had PND (or believed it was abusive in that instant). The difference in your case and this case is that you were doing the bulk of the childcare, you had given birth and all that that entails. He hasn't done either of those things.

I am sorry you went through that, it must have been horrible

I don't have a lot to say about helping your DP as you have had excellent advice. I grew up with a father with mental health problems and stay in bed depression, personally I couldn't live with that myself let alone bring up children in that situation, shorter episodes I could cope with but not as a way of life.

But I did find my children's separation anxiety (which is perfectly normal) peaked at around a year old. Both of them had it, so not wanting to go to strangers/childcarers is quite normal. I'm not suggesting you don't use childcare at all, more that this can be a difficult time to suddenly introduce it (but hey, needs must). I think it's actually easier to put a tiny baby into nursery than a 12 months old! I just saw you were slightly worried she was clingy, and just wanted to reassure you that clingy is normal behaviour for this age, although obviously over time, her father being withdrawn and not engaging will take its toll.

I really feel for you, you sound a very supportive partner. I think your strategy sounds correct: try to offer practical help, support medical treatment and give it time, but if this fails and this depression/nastiness becomes a way of life, you may need to protect you and your daughter from it, and your partner may actually cope better being a part-time father if that's what he has to offer (obviously the best outcome is if his depression passes and you can get on with living a better quality life).

Has he seen his GP about the depression? I can't see that you have said about that.

Plenty - no, he is not on medication for the depression. He's on Concerta and Ritalin for his ADHD. I agree, he should go back to the psychiatrist and tell them about this depressive episode and see about appropriate medication. Before he was on the ADHD meds, the GP tried him on a couple of different antidepressants, but they didn't work, but I think this was because his untreated ADHD was the bigger problem at that time, and some anti-depressants make the ADHD symptoms worse...
Thanks for the insight r.e. your own condition. I'm glad to hear you managed to get much more on top of it, that's encouraging!

Mumsy - thanks for that reassurance r.e. the separation anxiety. She actually has some childcare in the week (3 hours on Tues, Weds & Thurs, as I also work, a bit less than part time lecturing) with a lovely local childminder, who she is very happy with (she has 1 other toddler there so she gets plenty of attention), but went through a phase of crying when I left, but it didn't last for long and she's fine with her now. It was just the extreme anxiousness when I leave the room more recently which I was thinking might relate to what's going on with DH, but maybe not, as you say, it's the age.

Daffy - thanks for the insight from your own experience. That must have been tough. I agree, if he's going to be this depressed with or without us, then should we really all suffer? (although I love him & don't want to lose him of course... this is the tough part). Thanks also for the info r.e. 'depression fallout', I will def look that up. I've been looking for support groups, but haven't found anything for people with people who have depression, just for depressed people themselves.

I got frogmarched to the doc by DH when DD2 was 2 as I was just not getting any better. I had tried everything I could think of but things were not improving. Now I have some meds and feel much much better, am getting better all the time.

Please don't wait until your DC is 2 before your DH sees the doctor. He really needs a holistic treatment from a doc who knows him. privately this will cost a bomb, I like the NHS but obviously that is a decision for you and DH. However he needs to be getting treated for all of his symptoms and difficulties, not just one side of them.

I think his lack of engagement sounds really hard. Most people "struggle on" because they have to, really. Not being able to raise even one smile for DD seems really extreme.

There is a difficult line here with supporting him yet keeping an eye out that he is trying as best he can (which might not be much if he is very ill), and to look out for him but also you and importantly DD.

It sounds terribly difficult and I have to say if I were you I would probably have lost my patience a few times. Do you have words about it all, do you talk to him about trying with DD, does he talk at all, how does it go?

I can't talk to him about it when he's in a depressive state as he reacts really badly and projects his negativity onto me and it leads to an argument which gets personal.

Thankfully, I was waiting till he was in a better state and ready to open up, and that happened last night and he finally talked to me about it. I don't want to get my hopes up, as I know if he sinks into it again it'll be like nothing constructive was ever said, but I'm hoping this means he's coming out of the gloom for now and it could be a good time to get some help and better coping mechanisms in place for if it happens again (which most likely it will)

I definitely don't want to let things go on like this until she's 2, I don't think I could handle it anyway!
I would prefer NHS, as we're going to run out of money to pay private, but he's on a waiting list with 10 more months to go, and I don't think we can wait that long. He's got back in touch with the psychiatrist and should be seeing them this week to talk about the depression & see about suitable medication, so fingers crossed.
Maybe once DD is a bit older, he'll find it easier to cope with and won't have to be on medication forever.
Thanks for all your helpful advice and suggestions, they're very much appreciated.

Well my Dad was clinically depressed from when I was 7 to about 15. He never got help. I honestly don't know how my Mum got through it, and how she stuck by him. I think her mantra was children need both parents, their needs come first. Whether or not you agree with that is a whole other thread amd I'm not saying it should be your mantra too.

In terms of how it adffected our relationship, well I saw him as having 2 functions. Taxi and ATM. That's all he could do for me. He was also very good at fun days out like alton towers. I found it more upsetting when he came out of depression because I realised what I had missed out on for all those years, but our relationship now is pretty good and he's a v v devoted grandpa. He was brilliant company when I'd just had DS because there was no expectation, he was happy to do as much or as little as I asked him to, and was very content just to sit and hold the baby.

I know it'll be hard, but having a depressed parent isn't the end of the world, and people change, and so do relationships.

thank you redexpat for your perspective on this, it must've been tough having a Dad who couldn't really be involved, glad to hear you've maintained a relationship and he sounds like a great granddad.
I know no one is perfect and in families we have to live with each others problems to some extent. I guess I'll have to see how the future goes with this, I want to stick by him, so I'll do all I can for that to happen, but I also feel I need to keep a close eye on how it's affecting DD and myself.

Post natal depression can occur in men too. Hopefully his psychiatrist will be able to review his meds. & help alleviate his symptoms

Do you have a good health visitor?- if so they might be able to offer you some support. Our local team does listening visits for parents with PND . As you said there's not much out there for those who live with family members with depression and it can be very overwhelming at times.

Hi Maryjane,

When you have children it can trigger memories of the past. Your role in life changes immeasurably, and most people just jump into the water and get on with it. However if you have issues that haven't been resolved they could prevent you from thriving in this new role. I'm saying this partly because of what you mentioned about dp going home and nearly having a breakdown. It could have been because he felt safe to do that there, but there could also be memories that have come to the surface.

I think however you should be aware that one of the tactics that abusive men use is to over-involve their partners in their illness or their needs. They often become dependent, but only dependent in order to keep you hooked. This might not be deliberate, it might not be a plan, they may do it subconsciously but it takes the form of abuse as it can become a way of controlling you.

You are in a terrible situation if you are walking on eggshells. This is no good for you and no good for dd and in order to preserve your strength to look after her properly you need to be clear about your boundaries. Looking after someone with mental health problems is almost impossible to do within a family context. It is too damaging for children to witness.

I feel you have become drawn into caring for your dp when he would be better off for both of your sakes, alone. He may benefit from reaching a 'low' alone, that way you don't become part of the 'problem' - something that is happening already. He is already projecting anger about others onto you that is very serious because you are becoming part of his condition. It is also damaging for children to witness. On the other hand his poor behaviour may be his way of pushing you away and he may be wanting you to leave so that he can have his breakdown alone.

Please don't hang on. He will be OK, it might even be better if he goes back to Oz to spend some time with his Mum. You need to draw some lines in the sand now and stick to them. My line is my kids. Anything that damages them just has to stop.