I really don't know what to do, my husband is suffering from depression and it's affecting us all really badly. I feel really bad for him, but I feel even worse for our 13 month old daughter, who is being deprived of a daddy, as even when he's around these days, he's not present.
He's seen a therapist for the past 2 weeks, the therapist seemed to think he might have postpartum depression, although he's had depression before and he can also be very manic at times, so I'm wondering if he might be bi-polar. He also has ADHD, which he was managing without drugs before the birth of our daughter, but after she was born and he couldn't find time to exercise and had the constant demands of a new baby to deal with, his symptoms became unmanageable and he's now been on the medication for a few months.
We went to visit his parents in Australia when our DD was 8 months old, and he basically had a nervous breakdown. Since we got home, I thought he was getting better as he started the medication and it seemed to help. He went back to work and seemed OK, but 3 weeks ago he sank into a major depression. With the depression (lying down a lot, not talking, crying randomly etc), there is also a huge amount of anger at everyone and everything. I feel like I'm constantly on tenderhooks. I also feel like he has a huge amount of resentment towards us (me & DD) just bubbling under the surface. I dread weekends now and evenings when he comes home. It's like I can't say or do anything right, I feel like I can barely breath. It's such a shame as me & DD have such a lovely, fun time here at home when it's just us two, but when he comes home, the whole atmosphere changes.
I've been trying to be as supportive as possible, giving him space when I think he needs it & comfort when he lets me, letting him talk about how he feels when he's open to it (although the things he's saying seem increasingly irrational and almost obsessive, which makes me worry). There have been a couple of times I've reacted badly (basically told him off because I can't cope with how he's being) and its ended it terrible arguments. I feel awful about this, as I really don't want to make anything worse, but I'm finding it so so hard to deal with. I just don't know what the right way to be is in this situation.
I'm looking for some suitable childcare so I can make more time for him, as I'm hoping having 'us' back might help him feel better in himself and towards me & our DD. He's been sleeping on the couch for ages, as our DD still wakes a lot at night, and he can't deal with being that tired, so I've been doing nights pretty much the whole time. I don't mind, but even getting more sleep doesn't seem to make a difference to his state of mind.
I'm worried about the effect all this will have on our DD, she is so wonderful and happy generally, but I've noticed lately she's been especially getting separation anxiety from me if I'm away from her for even the briefest of moments (even though she's with good friends). I also feel heartbroken when she reaches for him and he turns away from her.
In terms of my own feelings, I feel really unhappy. I'm generally a very positive, optimistic person, but I feel so trapped and oppressed by his overwhelming negativity and dark moods and eruptions of rage. We live in a small 1 bedroom flat and there is no option to get any space from each other when we're both home.
He no longer seems to have any compassion towards me or seems able to express any real love (he says 'I love you', but in a very toneless, perfunctory way). If I cry, he doesn't comfort me (in fact he hates me crying, because he thinks I'm doing it to emotionally manipulate him, not because I'm just feeling sad). I know it comes from his mother and the way she would always use her ill health to guilt trip and emotionally manipulate him, so he has some very deep resentment about that.
I had no idea things would be like this if we had a baby, this is not the type of family situation I wanted in a million years. I would do anything I could to make it better, but I feel quite powerless, as it's within his own head and I have no control over that, he will only get better in his own time, and through his own efforts, if he's able. But there are a lot of 'ifs'. I know he's suffering from an illness and it's not his fault, but we are suffering too, it affects us all so terribly.
I thought it might help everyone if he got some space from us, as I feel like he resents us so much (or rather is projecting his resentment about the things he's unable to control in his life onto us), and also get some proper rest and headspace. But he absolutely hated the idea and is not prepared to go anywhere.
I don't know what to do, or how to cope in this situation. Any ideas...?