Who's the priority in your relationship?

[Kernowgal]

Hi all,

This question came about when I was talking with my parents yesterday. I am a stepmum (of sorts) but have no kids of my own. Obviously my partner is my priority, but the main issue in our relationship is that I am not his (I don't think his kids are either, but that's another matter).

My mum said the kids should come before the adult relationship, which I found quite surprising. I said (and my dad agreed) that the adult relationship must take priority over or at least have equal priority with the kids.

What do you all reckon? I don't see how it can work any other way, otherwise what are we other than glorified housemaids?

I put my son first always but equally relationship has to come a very close second.

Why is he still your first priority when you're not his, OP? I couldn't stand that.

I don't like the idea of having to decide who to put first, a child or a husband. Instinctively children should come first and of course they do. It's so important to keep the relationship strong, though, and that can't happen if anyone feels second best.

The children always, always come first.

Funnily enough putting the DC first has pulled us through the rough times.

But we would both walk over hot coals for our DC. You are not comming at it form the same perspective as your DP.

DC are bloody hard work. Glorified housemaid/cook/cleaner/gardener/tutor/coach. Oh, yes.

My DD comes first and foremost, before me or anyone. I am in a relationship, he is not the father of my child, but he accepts that her wellbeing comes before either of ours

Me

No, seriously, probably DS, but then myself over DP, as in, if the relationship was making me unhappy I'd end it, even if he was happy. I don't really think of it in terms of priorities, though, I mean, what does that even mean?

Kids have to take priority while they're young because their needs come first, are often greater, and they can't wait for things. Any adult should understand that.

As I said though I may be confused as to what you mean by "priorities" - priority of needs, happiness, what?

dc come first because they are your dependents, it's not rocket science

I was thinking 'me' too bertie

I put myself first by and large and would like to think children and partner came a close second. In a toss-up between joining a partner at a business dinnner and a child in a school play I'd probably plump for the school play. But I would, and have, done my own thing rather than accommodate either. I think it's healthy for them to know that you are your own person.

OP this is the natural priority for most parents. It is difficult being involved with someone who has kids if you do not, and hard to understand where they are coming from.

I think you should end the relationship if you can't come to terms with this and find a partner who doesn't have children.

I think this is the difference with me not being a mum myself - these aren't my kids and so although I do all I can for them when they're here, my relationship is with their father.

I would never ask him to put me before them; they're his kids and they were around long before I was. But I would ask to always be considered and consulted on anything that might impact on me.

No, I'm not his priority and it's a long and sorry story. Our relationship is falling apart for many reasons (not least that he is EA towards me) but I'd at least try to save it if I felt he treated me as equal to his kids. The sorry truth is that neither I nor the kids are his priority (he won't tolerate hearing this, even though both I and his ex-wife have said it).

In an ideal world all would be treated equally; sometimes one would take priority over the others and vice versa. But I feel that always prioritising the children would have a negative impact on the adult relationship.

Maybe 'prioritising' isn't the right word.

I must make it clear that the kids aren't the issue here, they're blooming lovely and the irony is that on the weekends we have them (and often when we don't) I make sure that they are put first because otherwise DP just does what he wants and they tag along, like it or not.

Often I end up suggesting activities for them (and taking the lead in doing them) as he doesn't have any idea what to do with them.

Please never have children with this man.

I love my husband totally and completely, he is the love of my life and I honestly cannot imagine my life without him.

But if it came down to him and our son, I'd choose my son before him without a second thought. He would do the same.

That's how it is, and that's how its supposed to be. We don't question it, because its natural.

No chance Lynette! Seriously!

kernogwal - the way you feel about this man...the way you put him first and tolerate crap? That's what parents do out of love.

But your DP is not your child.

Find a lovely man, have his babies and care for them whilst having an adult mutually respectful relationship with their father. You will BOTH put the DC first then.

How much does "kids before DP" apply? I think it's impossible to have an easy answer to that question. If your DP was having a heart attack, whilst your DC were in the other room saying they were hungry, which would be your priority? Suddenly it's DP before DC.

If they were both in an equally bad situation DC before DP is expected, from both parents. But how uneven does the situation need to be for your to put DP before DC?

Also, there is no reason that you can't have a good relationship with both DP and DC. If those are the only two priorities in your life, no problems. The issues start when one of you starts prioritising work, or money, over each other. Then all the love in the world for the DC won't help.

Also, "DC before DP" can be very unhelpful- "lets not break up for the kids" is very unhealthy.

OP, you probably want to have a veeerrry long and hard think about whether it's sensible to have kids with this man, if you plan to.

I'm in the 'me' camp too, but I'll take a bullet for my dc any time.

DD comes first, then me (mainly because I'm the main carer not because of me) then DH. As individual adults I'd say DH comes first, not sure he agrees.

In theory, it's not difficult - child before DP, every time.

In practice, I do struggle to balance their needs. DS is developing and needs me, but is also now 8 and therefore able to do a lot more by and for himself. DH is ill a lot of the time and therefore also needs me. In practice, at the moment, I probably prioritise DH - e.g. when dh is low, tearful, hearing voices and needs to talk, I send ds out to scooter morosely round the block, or suggest he watches telly in the other room, so that DH can be sure he has my attention. In an ideal world I would put my ds first a lot more often, but I also know he adores his daddy and if I don't support my dh when he is ill, I believe he is at risk of self-harm or going missing (he's done the latter before). It's not ds's job to do it and I never want my ds to feel responsible for my dh's health or happiness. It's not an easy card to be dealt, growing up with a parent with mental health problems. so in a tortured sort of way, prioritising my dh at those times is protecting/prioritising my ds as well. In the same way that I am actually out at work full time, which I prioritise because dh, ds and I all need to eat.

There's no need to analyse things hugely day to day. From each according to their abilities, to each according to their needs. As long as everyone basically feels that's happening, things will be roughly OK. Doesn't sound like that's the case for you, OP.

I don't think there's an easy answer to this - obviously in practical terms you need to physically care and look after a child more than you do an adult but in terms of investing in a relationship I would probably put my DH first; our role is to bring our child up to be independent and hopefully he will then leave home and be able to look after himself (and any future family he may or may not have). I see many, many women and some men, who do seem to invest very, very heavily in an emotional way in their own children and can never 'let them go'. I am not sure that's very healthy?

Not sure I've phrased that very well, but hope this is reasonably clear - and actually yes, I would put myself first . If you are not happy in yourself, how can you make other people happy?

I agree that perhaps "priorities" is perhaps the wrong word.

Really every member of a family should be considered equally, that's the point of a family. Obviously sometimes family needs will clash and then you have to sort out if there is any kind of compromise, or if one need is more urgent because one person is less able to wait, for example.

I wouldn't put my partner's wishes over my child on an issue such as bedsharing, for example, but equally, I wouldn't go back on something DP had said to DS or step in when he was disciplining him just because I wanted to look like the good guy in DS's eyes (I would step in if I felt he was being unfair, but I wouldn't undermine him)

If he is never considering your needs or wants, that is different from you not being the first priority. Wanting to be first priority is probably not that healthy. Expecting consideration is quite reasonable and probably one of the bases of a healthy relationship.

It depends on the needs.
Making sure DS I safe, fed, clothed, etc comes first.
Because he has an earlier bedtime, my evening time with DS was a priority too.
Shame ex didn't understand that.

But the relationship is (was) important too and I am too. :)

You should be your number 1 priority.

Children are irreplaceable. Partners can be replaced.

No contest.

I would die for my dcs. I would not die for my dh (very dramatic for first thing on a Saturday morning aye)!!