Who's the priority in your relationship?

[Kernowgal]

Hi all,

This question came about when I was talking with my parents yesterday. I am a stepmum (of sorts) but have no kids of my own. Obviously my partner is my priority, but the main issue in our relationship is that I am not his (I don't think his kids are either, but that's another matter).

My mum said the kids should come before the adult relationship, which I found quite surprising. I said (and my dad agreed) that the adult relationship must take priority over or at least have equal priority with the kids.

What do you all reckon? I don't see how it can work any other way, otherwise what are we other than glorified housemaids?

Priority and obligations to children first and absolute, always. How is that even a question?

That said, your obligation to your children means that your relationship with their parent (if you're together) must also be a priority.

Parents putting relationships with others to the detriment of the child is massively harmful. My mother placed her relationship with my step-father ahead of her duty to me and that fucked me up quite a bit.

Do you have concrete examples of what you mean about priority?

My children need my protection and for me to keep them safe, my husband can do that by himself. Having said that, I don't think that means I always put my children's needs above others in the family on a daily basis, or always take their side if there's an argument: I think being a strong family unit with my husband provides the safety and protection of my children, IYSWIM. So, if he needed to go to an event, that might be prioritized on one time, theirs on another, and my big event on another. I don't believe our family is all about servicing the children's needs in some type of slavish fashion, it's about taking turns and looking after each other.

I don't quite get the partners are replaceable argument, my husband is also the children's father, so I very much want him to be there for them, he cared for them as a primary carer just as much as me, and as much as he sees they need their mum, I see they need their dad. Even if we split up, this holds.

We have a strong romantic bond, and I hope that will carry us on when the children have left home. At that point, I expect my husband will be the priority as he's likely to have (already has) health problems, so caring for him will replace caring for the children. But again, if the children suddenly needed us, we'd move heaven and earth to help them.

But it sounds like here no-one is his priority (what is his priority, is it work? an addiction?)