Am I A Bad Person?

[sunshineandshowers1]

Sorry in advance if this is long, I just really want an honest, unbiased opinion on my situation please. A year ago I left my long term boyfriend because I couldn't cope with the way he was treating me and even though twelve months have passed I still feel racked with guilt/confusion about him and the way things ended. We were living together and I just packed my bags and left one night when he was out drinking with his friends - I text him to say I wanted a break and then a week later told him it was totally over. I then changed my number, blocked his emails and moved to my parents' house in a bid to totally rid myself of him. Previous to this I had left him a couple of times but he always managed to get me back, usually with the help of his overbearing mum who used to defend him and his behaviour.

The reason I finally left was because I literally couldn't take another day of his abuse, it had got to the point where I was suicidal. Everyday I would come home from work and he would interrogate me for hours on end about my previous partners - sometimes he would keep me awake until 3am on a week night asking me the same question over and over again until I would finally snap and lose my temper. He accused me of cheating on him constantly (I wasn't). On the rare occasion I went out with friends he would give me the silent treatment for days afterwards. He told me everyday I was mental/nuts/not normal. In public he would act as though he was embarrassed to be seen with me. Twice when he was drunk and we had arguments he was physically abusive and neighbours called the police - both times he said I was to blame for him being nasty as I am 'crazy.' He lied to me all the time and kept his female friends a secret from me which made me paranoid and insecure. One night when he was blind drunk he held me down and anally raped me - I still have nightmares about that to this day. The longer I stayed with him the more my behaviour changed - I went from a quiet, easy going person to an aggressive, irrational wreck (I am so ashamed to say I slapped him on a couple of occasions when I couldn't handle anymore of his goading and interrogating). When I finally 'did a runner' on him I had a total breakdown which took months to recover from.

After I left the only way he managed to contact me was by letter which he used to send to my parents' house (he guessed that I was there). His mum, auntie and sisters also sent letters there - they said they couldn't understand what was wrong with me and that I was terrible for leaving like I did. They said I would never find anyone like my ex again and that I clearly had 'mental issues.' For some reason I cannot get over the things they have said and everyday I feel like a nutter for leaving the relationship in the way that I did, even though at the time I thought I had good reason to.

I'm going to work abroad for the summer (leaving in a few weeks time) and I am looking forward to it but part of me feels like I'm just running away again. I live in fear of bumping into my ex, his mates or family as I know they all hate me and I worry what they would do if they saw me so that's partly why I'm going abroad. I can't stand feeling like a bad person all the time and wish that I could turn back time and handled things a bit differently. I keep torturing myself by thinking he has probably gone on to meet someone 'normal' and that I was to blame for his behaviour. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and do you think I did the right thing by just upping and leaving like that?

So sorry this is long and thanks to anyone who read this :-)

The only thing I have got to say here is go now and report that bastard for the anal rape. You can report it any time after the incident and there is no timeline. Report that asshole to the police and get him jailed. You deserve a better man and he deserves a stint in jail.

You are not a bad person.

HE is a bad person.

You should never have been forced to go to such lengths to get him out of your life. He should not have treated you the way he did. And his family, well! Words fail me.

Read back your post. look what he DID to you. He abused you.

That's not your fault. That's HIS fault.

The fact that you can even think that it was your fault, even ask the question, shows what a number he did on you. Him and his family.

Perhaps you should have some counselling to talk through all this?

And YES. yes yes a thousand times yes, you did the right thing by leaving, any way you could.

Well, even if you ignore the abuse, why should you have stayed in a relationship you didn't want to be in, just because some other people said you should. Madness!!!

Of course you're not a bad person. He abused you, you left. Which was very sensible. He's the bad person, and his family seem to be just as nuts.

Relationships end, for various reasons. People move on.

I think you need to get yourself some counselling to get over the mental abuse this man subjected you to, and regain some self-confidence.

Moving abroad is a wonderful thing to do, if you're doing it to see the world, experience new cultures, work in the job of a lifetime.

Moving abroad to avoid people is not a good idea. If it's just for the summer, you should probably still go, but your problems will still be here when you get back so perhaps start to look into finding a therapist now before you go.

But first and foremost, please don't blame yourself for anything that happened in that relationship, or anything your ex may have done since. He, and only he, is responsible for his own behaviour.

I hope you manage to move on from the damage this idiot has done to you.

Considering what sort of animal he sounds like, you were completely right for leaving like you did, dont look back and never regret leaving he will never change.
I was once with a controlling man who locked me in my own home and stopped me having a social life, if i tried to see my friends or even my parents he would go on and on at me about how he loved me and i dont need anyone else etc.
Once i left him i had to make new friends as all my old ones tired of trying to see me.
Please dont make the mistake of regretting what you did as you are now a free woman who doesnt have to be scared anymore.
I have been in your situation except that i was never raped and my ex only assaulted me once but i can tell you one thing-this man will not change, move on and find someone who loves and cares for you.
You are absolutely normal he was the one that wasn't-he put all this into your head

And I agree with kittycatwomen, you should report him to the police for rape.

And report him he shouldnt get away with it!!

Do you ever read the letters?
Please throw them away and don't read them.

If I was to believe my ex, I left a sick man (yes, he is sick but not the type you nurse...), I am a bad mother, etc, etc.
My MIL at some point said I was a bad person. I didn't bother justifying myself to her anymore. She knew the story, why I left and why I was not letting ex see DS unsupervised.

You know in your heart that you are not a bad person, and anyone with a speck of decency thinks the same.
Why bother with him and his family?

And if you ever meet them, cross the road, go into a busy shop/place and be prepared to call the police.
Hopefully, being away will give you enough head space to allow yourself to be happy. We all need to get away sometimes. :)

Could you, try, I wonder, to distance yourself from yourself for 5 minutes, and read your OP as if you were a stranger reading it. Read what you have written, read it objectively, forgetting that you wrote it.

He abused you. He is an abusive wankstain. You ran away, which was only right and sensible. He deserved no niceness, no gentle letdown. He's lucky you didn't shoot him instead.

He probably will meet someone normal and then turn them into a nervous wreck they way he did with you. You're the normal one, not him.
Can you complain to the police about him and his family harassing you? Give the letters to the police? I'd be tempted to just chuck them straight in the bin, don't even open them.

I applaud you on what you did OP! You closed the door and that's absolutely fabulous. As for his family, well we all know where he got is hinuous ideas/actions from then don't we.

Off you go sweetheart and enjoy/heal without a backwards glance and instruct your family to throw any further communications in the bin.

Feeling very sad reading your post.

You are not a bad person. You had to get out of that situation for your own safety. You should be so proud you have escaped and moved on with your life.

He's a scumbag who belongs in jail.

You get one life go abroad if thats what you want but not because you want to run away.

"They said I would never find anyone like my ex again" I bloody hope you don't pet.

Be kind to yourself - I think you need to talk to someone qualified to help you see you are not in the wrong here at all and should feel no shame.

Of course you were right to leave and you have my huge admiration for being so courageous in getting yourself to safety. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant, certainly guilty of sex crime and his family sounds just as nasty as he is. If you want to work abroad go by all means. But do hold your head high where you are now. You are not at fault. He is.

Have you ever had counselling for the abuse you suffered? If a year has passed and you're still feeling the way you describe, it may be advisable to seek therapy to help you understand that you're not in the wrong or a bad person but that you have been badly mistreated and are probably suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Women's Aid and women's refuges may be able to put you in touch with programmes that could help. If you can report him to the police you may find that also helps you regain control.

Good luck

Sweetheart, you are not a bad person. You did precisely the right thing to get out of a violent relationship. You did exactly what Woman's Aid would have told you to do which is get out and get safe the fastest snd best way you can. That is what you did.

The only people who should feel guilty are him for being an abuser and his family for interfering in a situation which was none of their business. Normal people do not write abusive letters to the ex-partners of their family members. That is abnormal and speaks to a serious level of distinction in his family.

I wish you the best of luck in your new job and I hope you get the peace you deserve.

P.S I also did a moonlight flit - but from a nutty housemate who was not putting me through 0.1% of what your ex did to you. Don't feel bad - someone who has treated you as badly as he did doesn't deseve nice manners.

I'm glad you got away as Miss Faversham said. I would imagine that was the only way you could leave him, sitting down and having a rational discussion wouldn't have worked. He left you no choice. He abused you horrifically and you are still living in fear because of what he chose to do to you.

If he is in a relationship he won't have changed, not with so many people willing to make excuses for him. But don't let that bother you for a second. This is your life, move on. Have some counselling, go to the police, but don't let this cruel and abusive man have power over you for a second longer. Be free.

You are a bright, normal caring lovely human being.

you did not deserve to be treated that way. Nothing you did or could have done would have made this into a healthy loving relationship. He is an abuser and a rapist.

I applaud the determination that you showed to free yourself from that awful, relationship.

You deserve a bright and lovely future and I am appalled that his family would want to coerce any person to go back to a relationship that they had left, what sort of a relationship do they think you would have??

If you were able to report the rape than that would be great but I would completely see that you might want to get on with life and have nothing to do with it or him again. At some point you should maybe consider some counselling to help heal the wounds inside from this and his other behaviours.

have a wonderful time away,

you can look forward to a bright abuse free future, he has no way of escaping himself...and neither does he deserve to.

You are totally normal it's that scumbag that isn't!!

You have been abused in soo many ways and lucky to get out no matter how you did it. The way you left wasn't bad it was what was best for you and that's all that matters!! It sounds like you would benefit from speaking to a counselor or someone to help you get past this awful time and start rebuilding yourself to the confident person you was before that asshole began abusing you!

I agree with other posts about reporting to the police, if he could rape you then he could do it to someone else. Go away for the summer and use it as a chance to become yourself again but everything will still be here when you get back so you really should get some help

If you'd told him that the relationship was over and you were leaving, do you think he would have helped you pack and call a cab/load the car/drive you to your dps?

I think it more likely that, had he known of your intention to leave or caught you in the act, you would have sustained serious injury or worse at his hands. As this may have led to him becoming a guest of Her Maj it seems to me that, as well as sparing yourself unnecessary harm, you did him an immense favour by leaving as you did.

There are times when people give us no choice but to act as we do/did, and his behaviour gave you no choice about the manner of your leaving.

Before you take yourself off to work abroad, please make contact with www.rapecrisis.org.uk

BTW, his relatives may be deluded about the nature of the beast but I very doubt that they'll remain in ignorance forever.

If you were to find the courage to speak to the police about your experience, it may be that another woman will be spared the ordeal you endured.

Many congratulations for breaking free of this abusive and controlling scumbag. Be happy you're out of it, honey, and I hope you have an enjoyable summer.

your ex comes from a family where women protect and defend abusers. their words disturb you because they are disturbing. they demonstrate clearly that these women are sick and need professional help. any emotionally normal person would feel sick reading letters like that.

if you get another letter, throw it away without reading it, don't let them pollute your mind with their depravity.

of course you're not a bad person. you were incredibly strong to leave, and cut contact -- you did the EXACT right thing. it is SO HARD to leave an abusive relationship (just read the threads here about people who feel they can't leave) and you did it, and you did it well. good for you.

ring Women's Aid and get yourself into the Freedom Programme or individual dv or trauma counselling. you poor thing, you must have been terrified and yet you were so brave.

you deserve peace and joy, not bad feelings. you did nothing wrong! you were a victim!

your ex is a criminal. he's a rapist, a sadist, a violent abuser. he belongs in prison and so does his family. they're harassing the victim of crime... which is a crime in and of itself.

fuck them. seriously. what vile, morally bankrupt people, all of them.

you did nothing wrong.

enjoy your life. don't let these horrible excuses for human beings rule over your emotions for one second longer.

If you've kept the letters you've received from him/his family, please don't throw them away as they may be of use to you/another woman at some point in the future.

Keep them in an envelope marked 'Arseholes' or other word/phrase of your choice and put it somewhere inobtrusive such behind a solid piece of furniture, taped underneath a drawer, or similar, or hand it to a trusted friend/relative for safekeeping.

You're a brave and decent person. You deserve to feel proud of yourself, never be ashamed of leaving him.

Please do take some of the advice on this thread and seek counselling, the shame is all his, not yours.

I think you should have written back to his family saying you hope to God you never end up with someone like him again, he was/is the crazy one not you

your so brave to leave so many wouldnt - forget him and go forward with your life ,he sounds a despicable person.

On leaving without notice, I took DS supposedly to go to the supermarket, went to DSis and then straight to the police.
Abusive men are too dangerous for polite conversations.

You did well to guarantee your safety first and foremost.

OP if you are still unsure (after a 100 percent unanimous vote) come over the Abuse Survivors Thread here and read a bit about it all. You will find lots of support from those still stuck, those who have just left, and those who have begun to recover their mojo!

It's not you it's him!! Well done for getting out