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worried he is seeing escorts/posting on craigslist

33 replies

monkeymajik · 04/05/2012 14:20

i was using my husbands ipad the other day and when i pressed e for ebay on the address bar, lots of his search history came up, which, to cut a long story short, led to me discovering that he has been looking at escort pages, specific girls on those pages, looking on google for escorts in our area, and other quite specific stuff in london, where he works, like massage parlours, nude massage, brothels, and it also shows that he has looked at the price list for one particular massage place. he also ercently had to go to heathrow, and his history shows that he has looked at escorts in that area; he also clicked and looked at 2 girls in this area.

He also must have an account with craigslist and put in particular searches because looking at the thread on the craigslist, all the stuff that comes up is specific to age, acitivy (some massage/quick sex availble and blow job available etc..the county we live in, and in london; the things he has clicked on relate to our town or reasonably close by. some of them, that have a link to more info on a massage, he has also clicked on.

I am not against pornography per se and we have in the past used this as part of our sex lives - but this to me doesn't seem like pornography - more like a search for a service, which is what makes me feel really worried. it could be just fantasy and titilation and curiosity that leads him to look at these things, but i felt very uneasy, because we have in the past shared pornograph, but he obviously isn't sharing this with me...so...

i couldn't believe i did this, but i felt that i needed to check his phone calling history; again, to cut a long story short, i discovered, that one of the numbers was for a massage; looking at their website, i think its very clear what this kind of massage is offering; it says in the ad that they do in calls only, which, i now know, means that the client goes to them; they don't do visits...you don't usually get this information if its a legit massage service?!! he had rung this number on three occasions. I rang the number and a man answered and when i said i was ringing about a massage and he put the phone down... not in disgust or anything...maybe he thought I was the police or something?1!
:-) The day my husband rang the number coincided with a time that i was away for the weekend. Also, some of the mobile numbers listed in his history when you ring them, just ring and then go in to voice mail (the generic one), or are not recognised???? what is that about?? it just seems odd that so many of the mobile numbers i rang did this??? is this an escort thing???!! He also has some calls in his history just saying "private call"... i am very naive, but i was wondering if when you dial an escort agency, the phone numbers can register on your phone as private???

up to this point, i have always trusted my husband completely and have always considered that i am one of the lucky ones who has a faithful husband... but now i think i might be wrong! i feel so sick with worry and i don't know waht to do... advice please?!!

OP posts:
QuicheOfDeath · 04/05/2012 14:25

Advice?

Yes. Confront him and ask him to explain himself to you.

And then consider leaving him. After an STD check first.

I'm sorry, btw.

monkeymajik · 04/05/2012 14:35

thank you and don't be sorry - i am glad i have found this out now... we are just going through the adoption process, so better to fidn this out now rather than later! also, have already booked myself an std test..previous to finding this out, i have had some bleeding after sex and it has been a bit painful to have sex... i put this down to the early menopause so did my doctor...now i am not so sure, as these are also symptoms of chlamydia!! my doctor asked if i was in a relationship and of course i didn't even question whether he ws being unfaithful!

OP posts:
kittycatwoman · 04/05/2012 14:42

Also, dont have unprotected sex with him at any cost.

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 16:17

OP how awful for you. It would be a total deal breaker for me Sad

Selks · 04/05/2012 16:21

How can you be wrong? All the evidence points to him using prostitutes, sorry.

carmenelectra · 04/05/2012 16:23

Oh no, this sounds so awful. And the fact you are trying to adopt. Shocking.

It does not sound innocent at all. Not the same as pornography whatsoever.

He is having sex or sexual services with a prostitute, or he is planning to. By the amount of info you have found I would say he is already doing it regualrly.

For me this would be the worst kind of betrayal.

alarkaspree · 04/05/2012 16:35

I'm really sorry. I don't think there's any possible innocent explanation for this, you have a lot of evidence.

I think you have to assume your husband is regularly sleeping with prostitutes, and before you confront him, you have to decide what you want to do about that. Personally, I would see a solicitor first, come up with a separation plan, and only then confront him with the evidence and tell him to leave. I would want to have a plan in place first to limit discussion, because I know there would be no possibility of any way back from this for my relationship.

Charbon · 04/05/2012 16:49

Save screenshots of everything you've found and copies of all phone bills. I would also be inclined to search his ipad for hidden e mail accounts.

Emotionally, you need to decide if you can stay in a marriage with a man who pays for sex. If you cannot (and I could not) then as others have said, it's a case of telling him the relationship is over and why - and getting some legal advice. And a health check.

This is why porn use amongst many other reasons is never harmless. I've lost count now of the threads on this and other forums about a man paying for sex and the OP saying 'I know he uses porn and I haven't minded but.....'
It's a well-documented trajectory. It starts with free porn, then paid porn and then real-life interactions of some sort.

fiventhree · 04/05/2012 17:11

MM there is very little doubt at all that he is already using them.

Do you agree?

Victoria3012 · 04/05/2012 17:44

OP, I can't imagine how you are feeling, the betrayal must be so painful. You will receive some great advice here, I'm so sorry this has happened to you xx

MadAboutHotChoc · 04/05/2012 18:18

How awful Sad

So sorry for you to have made such a shocking discovery - paying for sex is really the worst kind of cheating one can do Sad

I agree you need to find out where you stand legally and that you need to keep copies of all the evidence you have found.

I also second the advice about getting a full STD check. Take care x

GoPoldark · 04/05/2012 18:26

Get a full STD check, get to a solicitor and find out your options. I'm sorry.

monkeymajik · 04/05/2012 22:33

how do i go about finding hidden email accounts on his ipad?

also, do any of you know anything about skype? i found a sim card packet in his wallet with the mobile phone number that it belongs to on it.. when i typed the number in to google search (which is how i found the relaxing masssage thread), a little icon came up on the screen that said skpye at the top and (name) is online....sorry to be so thick but rubbish at technical stuff

OP posts:
Eurostar · 04/05/2012 23:28

Skype is basically a programme that allows you to type chat or speak voice to voice or webcam to webcam over the internet. You can also dial mobiles or landlines via it or be contacted, it is usually a very cheap way to communicate and easy to have multiple accounts. The iPad would have a Skype app on it I presume.

It seems like your H has quite a secret life going on. I am hoping for you that these symptoms that you have had are not an STD.

izzyizin · 04/05/2012 23:32

Do you have dc? Are you jointly named on a mortage/tenancy agreement for the property you live in?

monkeymajik · 04/05/2012 23:46

izzyizin, we are joint named, no kids. eurostar, me too! also re skype, this sim i found, do you buy a simcard that is specifically for skype?? if i actually phoned this number, would i still go directly to his skype account??

OP posts:
monkeymajik · 04/05/2012 23:54

fiventhree, i suppose so... but just because he rang the massage number and looked at a massage website and escort sites, does it definitely follow that he has goen the next step? maybe the titilation for him is the feeling that he COULD do it if he wanted to??? .... or am i kidding myself? i am just having real difficulty thinking that it is possible for the man that i thought i coudl trust so much quite possibly has a whole other life that he has kept from me!

OP posts:
Eurostar · 05/05/2012 00:51

I only use the basic Skype package, you don't buy a specific sim card for it although some phones are Skype enabled. If you want to know more maybe most on on the techy forum here, I think there is one? There will be people who use it much more than me.

As for if he is doing it - it is very, very likely isn't it?

BeauNash · 05/05/2012 01:10

There is a difference, I think between looking at websites making calls to dodgy places. I'm not sure why escorts in particular would not answer calls, they'd loose work surely?

BeauNash · 05/05/2012 01:11

and making calls, obviously.

monkeymajik · 05/05/2012 07:16

beaunash, i wonder if the numbers that aren't answering are six chatlines? again, don't know much about this, but maybe the women who do these phone lines turn these phones on when they're working only? eurostar that's a good idea - i will do that thank you

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 05/05/2012 07:37

Monkeymajik,

I don't want to sound like a shit stirrer but if I got this kind of info on my DP I would be extremely worried and confronting him ASAP.

There would be no reasonable explanation as far as I am concerned and I would not listen to any bullshit explanations. There it is in black and white. He is phoning escorts. He is booking them for sex or some sexual servive. Even the remote chance that he hasn't gone through with it does not make it ok. The intention to pay for sex behind your back. Are you ok with that?

I think you need to accept there is no innocent explanation for this. You need to confront him, see what he says and then decide whether you can continue living with him and move on. And whether you can trust him not to do it again.

Me personally, well I wouldn't give him a choice. Some women however, don't seem to view it as cheating in the same way as an affair. I thiink its worse.

It must be horredous to discover he is not the man you thought and quite unbelievable. Sadly there are forums for men who pay for sex and there are dozens of married blokes admitting to shagging prostitutes even though they 'love' their wives.

monkeymajik · 05/05/2012 07:38

eurostar, yes i think you're right...before we were married, he lived abroad for a bit and he said that he and his friend visited a prostitute on two occasions...so he has done it before, so its not as if its a new thing for him is it? how do i start a conversation like this with him?!! how does someone who says they love you do this??!! i can't quite put him going to see prostitutes (which escorts/massages are, aren't they?) and the "him" i know together...how can he manage to do that and put on this front to me as if nothing has happened?!

OP posts:
monkeymajik · 05/05/2012 07:52

carmenelectra, i also agree that it feels worse him doing this rather than having a full blown affair...either is awful, but i think paying for it is just sickening.

if he has done it, and he says he won't do it again, i just dont think i would a) believe him, or b)trust him again. so if i feel that, i don't see a way forward fo us really...

He told me before we were married that when he was living abroad he saw two prostitutes, so he has "form"!

it is horrendouse...everyday since i found out, i am making new discoveries about what he has done...and i just can't quite get my head around it... i am really gratefu for everyone's thoughts so far - thank you so much

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 05/05/2012 08:04

Monkeymajik, I think the fact that he has 'form' for seeing escorts nails it.

He has done it before. He knows how to go about it and its a good back up plan when he wants extra sex, different sex or variety.

Men who use escorts masseurs (non legit ones), make up all excuses to justify why they do it. Massages with hand jobs isn't cheating, don't want to force wife to doing a sex act she doesn't like so pays instead. Blah blah. All shit that I wouldn't buy personally.