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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Are there a lot of relationships breaking up at the moment? Why?

74 replies

Lonelymum · 13/02/2006 21:39

Every day there seems to be a new thread in which someone is breaking up with their partner. Don't get me wrong, I am not unsympathetic. I do feel for all those sad or sometimes angry Mners. But there do seem to be a lot of you out there. It isn't always this busy on the relationship board. has anyone else noticed this increase?

OP posts:

soapbox · 13/02/2006 22:48

Well then that is fine - you have chosen your life, with a free choice! By there very dissatisfaction they are clearly not.

You are mistaken though - I fell no contempt for you at all - why would I! Equally I would never assume that SAHMs are wet blankets!

Please don't ascribe views to me that I don't hold!

soapbox · 13/02/2006 22:49

Arghhhh!!!! 'their'!

IvortheEngine · 13/02/2006 22:52

I wasn't happy as a SAHM and I'm not 100% happy as a part time working outside the home mum, either. I think, from having tried both, that although working part time makes me feel like I'm neither one thing (SAHM) or the other (full time employee), it's the best thing for me for now. Having said that, when dh next gets promoted or when his nights away from home become too regular or prolonged, I will review the situation. I am happier earning some money although I don't give tuppence about money but I need to work to feel that I'm doing something with myself (both kids in school -late primary, early secondary). Anyway, that's me. I know where you're coming from, Lonelymum. IME, it isn't easy, whatever you decide. I do (and I'm not saying that anyone doesn't) understand that dh works hard, works long hours and is doing a lot to give us a nice house and lifestyle. Sometimes I forget that and then remind myself how lucky I am, and the kids too.

swedishmum · 14/02/2006 00:05

I'm sure lots of people would be shocked how boring my life is and wonder why I don't change it - it's not always that easy tomake changes. I'm not happy as a SAHM either, although I do occasionally work and I'm doing a postgrad course by distance learning.
In my chosen-ish field of teaching I could never earn as much as dh by a long way. We have 4 children and even though 3 are at school after-school are would be very expensive and difficult to organise as we live in a very rural area. My life just feels unfulfilled, but there's no real alternative. I moan about dh from time to time, but we have no babysitter for eg so can't go out.

MeerkatsUnite · 14/02/2006 07:09

Relate report that their busiest time of years is January and February. Most break ups occur around this time of year.

blueteddy · 14/02/2006 08:44

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Lonelymum · 14/02/2006 09:31

Just been catching up with this thread. Swedishmum, your post was uncannily familiar. Everything you wrote, about from the postgraduate course, could have been written by me. What a lot we have in common!

OP posts:

anniemac · 14/02/2006 11:32

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Original poster

Lonelymum · 14/02/2006 11:55

Just to let you know Anniemac, I have read your post and agree with it on the whole.

OP posts:

maturer · 14/02/2006 12:04

let me put the other side of the coin- when I was posting regularly on here about a year or so ago because my dh had had an affair with a work colleague and was leading me a merry dance at the time - I had loads of support for staying and trying to work at it and sort it out.
Yes he deserved me to kick him out, scream and shout be as awful to him as I could because he was lying and cheating at the time- but I also felt he was "lost" having some sort of a "crisis" so i stayed and worked at it and had great support form many MN's in similar situations. I am very thankful to those people who gave me the strength to stick with it - we have come through and are still together and although I still have days of despair over what happened I know I can find support here.

Having said all that I agree there is a tendancy of "society" these days to suggest that a woman is weak or pathetic if she "puts up" with such behaviour from her partner and that the thing to do is "kick him out" get tough etc
I agree sometimes that is the only option but everyone has a different story to tell and all have different ways to deal with it. There are 2 sides to each situation sometimes you just need to explore them with mn "strangers" .
Know one has to follow the advice given but I don't think you should "take your ball home" if you don't like what's been said ( as some have done recently) Only the people in the relationship can truely know all the facts to know what's right for them.
I am so pleased that I feel i can write anything here- get opinions and then decide if I want to follom them or not- no one can make anyone do something they truely don't want to do via an internet site!

littlemissbossy · 14/02/2006 12:07

I was thinking this the other day - there appears to be loads of relationship splits on here and in RL too at the mo - not mine

I understand the point Anniemac is trying to make. All relationships go through there ups and downs, life is not all roses round the door. I suppose it's whether a relationship is strong enough to make it through the ups and downs that counts.

If someone is down about their relationship and their only way of talking about it is on an internet forum then they are going to be influenced by the posts, particularly when the posts will usually be along the lines of "you're better off without him".

anniemac · 14/02/2006 12:22

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mistressmiggins · 14/02/2006 13:20

I agree....when I first posted about my suspicions, people were supportive of me not going mad and tried to advise me/help me sort out what I wanted to do

Then when I foudn out my suspicions had been right, MN again supported me trying to make my marriage work

it was only when he left after very little trying on his part & putting the blame for HIS affair 100% on me, that MN stood up and said "let him go: you can do it alone" etc

yes there does seem to be a lot of break ups at the moment but thye too may have been a long time coming

and YES I do think that the majority of MNetters are happily married

mcmum · 14/02/2006 13:34

Im not!!! Infact i am totally fed up with my dh, I want out but it will destroy my kids dd5 ds8 and i dont know what to do.

fennel · 14/02/2006 13:38

It's not just the time of year but time of life. A high percentage of relationships break down in the couple of years after a new baby. which is a stage many mumsnetters are in.

i always keep off the relationship threads cos my tendency is to think most women ARE better off without most men. but i realise this isn't a very mainstream or popular view.

personally would leave rather than stay in an even vaguely unsatisfactor relationship. but again i know that's just me.

mcmum · 14/02/2006 14:05

ive been to relate recently and i have worked for solicitors before and this is their busiest time of year because everyone tries harder at christmas and have lots of family get togethers and couple really try harder, but then when things calm down they realise nothing has changed

anniemac · 14/02/2006 14:37

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fennel · 14/02/2006 14:44

anniemac, i think your post demonstrates what some people have been saying on other threads, for example about depression - that mumsnet is not an experienced counselling service, and it's dangerous to treat it as such. as i said i don't actually post advice on peoples relationships but i suspect really people should go to Relate or get proper support in that sort of official way.

agree no relationship can be 100% perfect. of course.

Original poster

Lonelymum · 14/02/2006 17:23

fennel, how can you say that most women would be better off out of their relationships? I thought research showed that people who were in a relationship had better health and longer life expectancy. And that is not even starting on the issue of children having both their parents around. I am shocked at your comment actually.

OP posts:

Tinker · 14/02/2006 18:30

I thought it was married men and single women who were healthiest and happiest.

FioFio · 14/02/2006 18:38

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mistressmiggins · 14/02/2006 19:29

I believe that too Tinker

However I would still rather be with the man I married than my current situation...we are a classic example of marriage breakdown within 1st yr of child's life

I think we survived with DS cos I was able to continue doing 90% childcare & housework & work part time
When had DD, I needed help and had PND...unfortunately my husband took this as "us no longer having fun" so he looked elsewhere ....

AND I have to say that MN were probably the ONLY people who DID NOT say leave him when I found out about the affair - IF I had told people in RL, I know they would have said leave him....

tigermoth · 14/02/2006 19:35

anniemac, I think you have made some great points. I agree with lots of them.

I've also seen many mumsnetters give positive support to other mumsnetters during difficult times - advice about staying together. It's really good IMO when someone posts about how she and her partner who have gone through similar to the OP managed to sort things out.

I too hate to see the phrase 'leave him' used on the internet, except in exceptional cases.

soapbox · 14/02/2006 19:37

I can see what you are getting at anniemac, but to my mind there is a line to be drawn between compromise and martyrdom in a relationship.

I really, really don't believe that people are packing up and leaving relationships on a whim, on MN or else where. I can say with hand on my heart that I do not know one person for whom leaving a relationship hasn't been a truely agonising decision.

I think on MN at least though, many of the women didn't make the choice to leave, they were left!

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