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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are there a lot of relationships breaking up at the moment? Why?

74 replies

Lonelymum · 13/02/2006 21:39

Every day there seems to be a new thread in which someone is breaking up with their partner. Don't get me wrong, I am not unsympathetic. I do feel for all those sad or sometimes angry Mners. But there do seem to be a lot of you out there. It isn't always this busy on the relationship board. has anyone else noticed this increase?

OP posts:
myturn · 13/02/2006 22:10

Exactly what I was trying to say Flossam (but very badly...)

Agree with Collision. If someone is seriously thinking about leaving, then having a mass of people tell them that that is what they should do, there is no other way out, dp/dh does not deserve them etc. etc. that must surely be influential. Very rarely does anyone encourage them to stay and work at it.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/02/2006 22:15

I disagree im afraid. Because the kind of threads we are talking about fall in to two catergories:

THreads where the OP is just having a whinge then people spring up with support/sympathy etc and the OP then says "ah but he is great at this/that or the otehr"

Then, there are other threads whereby partners have hit/had affairs/done something equally awful and the poster is looking for confirmation/support inn what they are going through and confirmation that they are doing the right thing.

I dont think i have seen a thread where the OP was just moaning about their lazy DP who didnt send them a valentine's card etc and ended up splitting up with them. Then again, ive only been posting since July last year

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/02/2006 22:17

I HAVE read several threads where people are supporting each other in recovering from affairs in their relationships too.

With regard to threads on orgasms or other deeply personal stuff (such as relationship stuff), dont alot of people post things on here that they wouldnt discuss in RL anyway, therefore making it difficult to make any kind of comparison?

Original poster
Lonelymum · 13/02/2006 22:17

I always want to tell them to stay at it and work at it, but I am scared of being shouted down by the "leave him you deserve better" brigade.

I really am not thinking of anyone here and I really don't want to judge or imply anything to anyone who is reading this and has lately split up, but it does often make me despair the way couples give up on each other when the going gets tough. Dh and I have spent a very stressful few years together and our love life would not stnad up to any scrutiny here, but we carry on together hopeful that later life will be better and that going through our trials now will make us stronger for later. Am I hopelessly idealistic to think that way?

OP posts:
myturn · 13/02/2006 22:21

Nope LM. DH and I went through a really terrible patch 2-3 years ago. I did leave him briefly (for about 2 mths) and I have to say that was in part due to friends telling me I should... (I am easily influenced). However, we decided to work at it and quite honestly things have never been better. Our relationship is stronger than it ever was and we are so much happier. I am so glad now that we worked through it.

IvortheEngine · 13/02/2006 22:21

I understand you, myturn. I'm sure that to "encourage them to stay and work at it" would mean running the risk of being shot down in flames by some other posters. I know that relationships go through good patches and bad patches and that if someone painted a picture during a bad patch, that picture would look very different to one painted during a good patch. I saw mention of this on the tv one day by a scriptwriter who admitted that for months or years her marriage appeared to be dead in the water. Now that same marriage is great. She was asked if she would produce a film or series about that time and said that she wouldn't as it was very personal and might (or would) hurt those she loved. I think that it is important to be honest sometimes and say that we can all go through bad patches and see no end to it, but sometimes things can turn out well in that same relationship.

soapbox · 13/02/2006 22:21

I do find things entirely the opposite to Collision really. I read many posts here and I think 'what are you getting out of this relationship'.

So many women living sad, relentlessly bleak lives, often with violent or agressive or bullying men.

I'm glad you are happy with your lot Collision, but my experience (before I had MN) is that people stick to rotten relationships like glue and pulling away from them takes enormous strength.

For many people there is a better life out there and there are wonderful decent men who don't think that doing their fair share around the house and for the children is untenable.

I'm all for MN and the strength it gives people at the final reckoning. I'm pretty sure that most people don't leave relationships on a whim. I certainly didn't.

You are right though - some people are happy with a lot less than they deserve! I'd call them foolish - they might think of themselves as lucky! It depends very much on your experiences of life and relationships and what you are measuring your own relationship against. To be happy and content is what is important - and it is clear to me that the vast majority of those currently splitting up are far from that!

hercules · 13/02/2006 22:22

Exactly what I wanted to say, soapbox!

Original poster
Lonelymum · 13/02/2006 22:25

"some people are happy with a lot less than they deserve"

I wonder at that statement. If they are hjappy with their lot, who are you to tell them they deserve more? Don't you mean, "some people are happy with a lot less than I would be"?

OP posts:
hercules · 13/02/2006 22:26

I think soapbox means they accept that they are being treated in a poor way and that that's their lot in life and dont imagine there is a better life out there.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/02/2006 22:26

Ah, well perhaps i look at things from a different perspective generally then. Im not one of those "bin em/leave em" type posters. I always think relationships are worth working at (with the exception of DV and abuse) and post as such.

Beetroot · 13/02/2006 22:26

I have noticed the same LM

and collision, whenever i read aobut differnt problems on MN, i cannot believe that some people stay together. Alot of women out up with a lot more than i ever would.

hercules · 13/02/2006 22:27

But so many of the posts here are about abuse and really being treated like dirt.

soapbox · 13/02/2006 22:30

No Lonelymum, I meant some people are happy with a lot less than they deserve!

As an example of what I mean, lets assume that someone was brought up in a household where her father beat her mother up everytime he was drunk. It is possible that that person might be extremely happy to marry someone who was reasonably sober and didn;t beat her up. She might therefore be prepared to overlook the fact that he is a bully nevertheless, who says nasty things and doesn;t do thing to help around the house or with the children. I would think that she deserves much more than that - she wouldn't!

The point is that people tend to use comparative analysis when looking at relationships not absolute. I might think they deserve much more, but they might not!

However, that is a slight digression as most of the women we are talking about are not happy and are not getting what they deserve!

mykidsmum · 13/02/2006 22:30

I believe that people take alot of stength from on here by seeing that life doesn't have to be abusive etc. So in a way the internet can be blamed but maybe in a good way. Would be worried if someone posted that their dh had burnt their breakfast and was now thinking of leaving, but some do have some serious shit and just don't see how bad it is until they 'talk' on here

hercules · 13/02/2006 22:31

I would always encourage someone married to an alcoholic to leave. (unless of course he was receiving help)

Original poster
Lonelymum · 13/02/2006 22:31

There are a lot of relationships featuring violence or mental abuse, that is true, and I am sure we would all say the abused is better off out of that relationship.

However, there are also a lot of posts along the lines of "my dh is out all day, I have the kids to look after, he doesn't do a thing for the kids, not even at night, we have no fun anymore, I think I will leave him" and it is almost guaranteed that someone will say "you deserve better, tell him to grow up and act a man, leave him and see how he gets on without you" which I personally find hard to agree with.

OP posts:
hercules · 13/02/2006 22:34

I have to say that a lot of mumsnetters seem to feel they have an extra child with their partner as he does nothing for the kids and makes them feel they are his mother. I honestly believe he has an equal responsibility to his kids and feel sorry for anyone who stays in such a relationship.

soapbox · 13/02/2006 22:38

Lonelymum - I think that is a gross oversimplification really!

I think anyone who has been through the total and utter devastation of a marriage breakdown will understand that it is not easy to leave - not easy to find the tipping point.

And in anycase, you may be happy playing the 1950's housewife with a traditional split in earning vs childcare roles, but many people are not. I'd rather bite my own arm off than do that!

I think it is important for unhappy people to be supported on MN, whatever the source of that unhappiness. People post about all sorts of things that make them unhappy, that I think FGS what is the problem! Why should we limit breakdown threads to only being valid if it passes the MN taste test as to whether it ticks all the boxes for deserving a divorce!

Original poster
Lonelymum · 13/02/2006 22:38

Exactly! If you knew how things worked in our relationship, or rather, if I gave you the bare bones of it on a bad day, you would think I should leave my dh. Simply because he works long hours (climbing his chosen career ladder) and he is less than a besotted, devoted dad 24 hours a day. He prefers a pint and to watch a rugby match than he does to play with his kids. He is not perfect and our relationship is not perfect, but perfection would be quite hard to live with IMO.

OP posts:
mykidsmum · 13/02/2006 22:39

I guess the problem is that you can compare lifestyles on here alot easier than you can in real life, as people tnd to be more honest and then posters can often feel short changed by life.

hercules · 13/02/2006 22:40

But lonelymum, when a mumsnetter posted moaning that her dh never played with her kids, people said that that was okay and lots of mums admitted to not doing so either. I do think though that if you are going to have kids you need to spend time with them.

Original poster
Lonelymum · 13/02/2006 22:42

Soapbox, I am not happy playing that actually, and I happen to know my dh would support any decision I made re working/childcare, and I personally know that no-one has ever once stood in my way and never will. Don't assume that all SAHMs are wet blankets dear!

But, decisions were made for whatever reason, I live with my dissatisfaction (and your contempt) because I know what I am doing is for the greater good of my family, and also because I learnt a long time ago that it isn'ty always cake today and cake tomorrow and cake every day.

OP posts:
hercules · 13/02/2006 22:43

I wish my mum had left my dad and not waited until we'd left home. She did is no favours or herself. I dont think anyone is showing contempt to you.

Original poster
Lonelymum · 13/02/2006 22:44

No perhaps not. Sorry, saw red for a moment. It is the old working mum/SAHM divide rearing its ugly head again. I may be a SAHM, but I am not a content one and never really have been.

OP posts: