Long - Sorry - dh and in laws and what to do?

[BigginsforPope]

I am feeling a little delicate today and I am trying to clarify things going round in my head.

A little back story:
6 months ago my dh was diagnosed as an alcoholic (after losing his job and being arrested) He got help from his GP and some good friends and has straightened himself out massively and I am really proud of the way he has turned things around.

At the time his parents cut contact with us after being very involved in our lives and our dcs ie regular meals together, dcs would stay over there, we were even planning a summer holiday together and have holidayed together in the past. So this was a big change.
At the time I was very upset by their lack of support towards myself and the dcs. Really when we needed them they weren't there for us. But we survived and managed as you have to. The inlaws have phoned once and a few weeks ago turned up on our doorstep when I was at home on my own (dh working, dcs at school). went my face after no contact for all those months.

Anyway I do not want to fall out with them about it - they made their choice but I don't want to pretend everything is okay and go back to regulary being in each others pockets - I don't feel I can trust them the same. So I wrote and explained this - have not heard anything since although I did recieve a birthday card.

Finally I get to the problem today - Dh is absolutely adament that he (and me and dc) are to have nothing more to do with his family ever again. That's it, finished. I can understand his point, we were let down etc Buuut what dh doesn't get is that in the run up to his arrest/job loss (ie the months of heavy drinking) he was an absolute arse to live with and be married to. He was also rude and stroppy with his family and fell out with various siblings at the time so it is no surprise to me that his family found him difficult and stayed away.

Why can't he see this? It just makes me want to cry today when I think how awful that time was. Even though Dh and I have sorted things as best we can and agreed to stay married it doesn't mean it all magically disappears.

The thing that brought this to a head was a few weeks ago we were talking with some good friends about what we had been through and their response was "it is all so recent and you are still recovering" That is how I feel but dh refuses to acknowledge this and because we have agreed a fresh start that's it. What happened last year is gone. As you can tell from this super essay it has not gone for me.
The ongoing dispute with the inlaws is killing me. I don't want to fall out with them nor deny them a visit to their grandchildren. His sister wants to visit but dh said no. He doesn't see the part he played in the way things turned out.

Sorry for the epic post but this is all going round in my head I don't really have anyone to share it with.
I would appreciate any thoughts if you got this far!

I dont think the problem here is your in-laws, it is your husband. It is great that he is recovering, but he still seems to be in denial about how HIS behaviour has affected everyone.

I can't force him to see it though can I.

He asked me a while back if I thought he was in the wrong (on one particular occasion) and I was very honest with him. Still won't see it.

I think his memory of the time is poor (drowned in alcohol I suppose) but even so.
I feel like this is such a big thing for me - make or break really which seems mad after all that we have been through together.
Thank you for reading.

I agree.
He can't just wave a wand and make all the ramifications of his behaviour go away!
I don't envy you OP. You have been left in a very difficult position by someone who won't take responsibility for his own doings.
I would be very angry if I were you.

Your dh isn't taking responsibility for what his actions and behaviour did - I'd suggest that you need counselling together to talk about what happened, how it made you feel, and how to move on. He can't pretend that it never happened, and has to face up to the consequences.
Are you getting some support at Al-Anon or similar ?

I think because he faced up to the obvious consequences - court appearance, signing on, new job he hasn't really understood the emotional costs.

I haven't been in touch with Al-anon or anything really.

I don't feel angry really, just so sad that my feelings have been disregarded.

I am angry that it is me that has to keep saying no to invites from bil and sil when dh won't talk to them. Today I feel it is all so rubbish.

I agree. You're not his secretary! Why are you being forced to face the music?
If they ring, pass the phone over to him. Don't be afraid to make him deal with his own shit.

I don't know what the answer is as I am in a similar dilemma myself. I keep emphasising the DC's and that DH shouldn't deprive them of their relationship with their GP's just because his own has gone pear shaped.

I think I am making ground inch by inch so, maybe that would be a route forward for now, and once things have progressed a little and he has some distance / objectivity in the present situation he may be more prepared to consider there are two sides to this?

I think at the back of my mind is the hope that Dh will calm down and the dcs can see their grandparents again.

Pictish it is now me they are contacting after trying unsuccessfully to talk to dh. I think I am going to just be straight with them about how he is. I hate being stuck in the middle but I don't feel I have any other position at the moment. Now I am starting to get angry about it. He needs to tell them really doesn't he. I am so cross with him for dumping this on me.

Biggin, not only does your DH need to tell them - I also think you should remember that who YOU choose to have as friends, who YOU choose to socialise with etc is up to YOU. Just because your DH doesn't want to see them, why shouldn't you - if they haven't done anything wrong.

I had an issue like this and lost my very best friend after my DH had a totally illogical and totally his own fault falling out with the husband. It took me so long to wise up and 'go against' my husband that my friendship was damaged beyond repair - we talk, but it will never be the same and I miss her daily. She feels let down by me - and she's right. If YOU dont want to lose these people, the DON'T. Don't be like me.

OP, does he find it logical to wipe the slate clean with you over his problems, but not for his family (over the same problems?)

Try not to get caught in the middle, however hard that is, because if you say to the inlaws 'Look, DH doesn't want to speak to you because he feels abandoned by you' and they make up, you might be then cast as someone who was making trouble (though obviously you aren't)

Thank you for your messages. I feel better for getting it all done in writing.

I am trying not to cut off relationships despite dh. It is hard when it involves the dcs though. I think he does have some say in who they spend time with (within reason of course).

No it does not sound so logical put like that Lady
I will ask him tonight. I think we need to have another chat after the dcs have gone to bed.

Is he in AA? If not he should be as he has little chance of staying in recovery without. If he is then a few of the 12 steps are about admitting his wrong and making good. aa.org/en_pdfs/smf-121_en.pdf My DH is a recovering alcholic (5 years now) but he still finds it difficult to talk about what happened. We went through a similar hell and had no support at all from his parents who didn't believe what I was telling them. He now has very good relationship with them but I don't see them as I never recovered from the lack of support. You certainly find out who your friends are in this sort of situation too. Your DH can't just pretend that the problems caused by his behaviour have just gone away. You can forgive but not forget.

Thank you for your helpful reply motb

He has not been to AA - just his GP. I think he would love to forget it all happened but we are still living with the consequences. As to his family, I do feel hurt and let down by them but I don't want that to end the relationship. I hope that I can get past that although I appreciate it will not be the same. I don't want to cut them off completely.
We have definitely found who our true friends are. It has been a long road.

I don't know really what to do, some days like today seem worse than others. Mostly things are okay and I am quite positive about the future. Today is just a bad day I guess.

alcoholism is a family disease.

the ILs likely contributed to DH's addiction, just as DH's addiction obviously contributed to the ILs feelings about how he was treating them.

the ILs should not be putting you in the middle. the fact that they are is a further indication that this is a codependent family you're dealing with...

i really really really think you need to start going to Al-Anon. there is such a thing as a "dry drunk" - someone who is not drinking, but is still stuck in the disease on an emotional and psychological level. and that means you need to apply the same coping mechanisms that you would if he were still drinking.

this denial of responsibility? that is alcoholism. he is still stuck in it, he is on his way out of it hopefully, but this is not over yet and you need support.

Al-Anon can really help you with that. google the name of your town and Al-Anon, there will probably be a meeting close by. there are also online meetings. honestly it will help you so much.

I agree with oikopolis totally.

i do think that if he is an alcoholic then he needs more help than a chat with the gp.... if he is serious about tackling this why isnt he going too AA / counselling? good luck op.

Think of it this way

When your husband needed them the most his parents ran away,
now that he is "better" they want back in.

The feelings of abandonment alone must be immense, try to see this from his point of view.

They didn't just abandon him they abandoned his family.

So I wouldn't just lay this at his doorstep.

My Mum flew to NZ (planned holiday, which I knew nothing of until the last minute) knowing that I was leaving an abusive relationship and when. She didn't talk to me before she left and for a good few weeks after, until she knew that I realised I was utterly alone and just got on with it.

I will NEVER forgive her for that (or my sister, who also went and actively and repeatedly conspired with DM keeping it all from me, only telling me bits she knew would hurt me right before they left) They had a history of this, but at the time I didn't see it. I see it ALL very clearly now. My DSis made a point of telling me that she repeatedly ignored my texts looking for a kind word when I was stuck in the bottomless pit of the abusers jail i lived in.

I WAS abandoned. Your DH and YOU and your DC were also abandoned. Boney is absolutely bang on right.

The reason he is an Alcoholic is because of them. help him get the help he needs, AA etc, get yourself and the DC into Al-anon and let your DH decide what to do about his family. Chances are they will poison your family in time anyway. DON'T insist on contact with the DC, show your DH support and understanding.

he's seen how life is without them the last few months and he must be feeling better for it. he's been freed from them. Now they are coming back to reel him back in and he doesn't want to go.

I don't know much about alcoholism, but surely sometimes it is the right thing to cut contact with an alcoholic in the worst of their alcoholism especially if they are behaving like an arse to all around them?

I'm not sure I would want to spend time with someone who was behaving like that and refusing to admit there was a problem.

Obviously your ILs shouldn't have let that affect their relationship with you or your DCs though, but could it be that if they wanted to see you they would have had to deal with him too?

I think your H is asking too much of you to stop the DCs having a relationship with his parents. How do you feel about them and do you want to see them?

It does sound like you have been forgotten about in all this.

His parents not only let him down (and I can see why they would want to stay away from him if he was being aggressive), they let you down. They must have known how difficult it was for you and the children to cope with him like that.

I agree you should go to Al Anon for help. He can't just stop drinking and expect everyone to forget about it and for his emotional attachment to alcohol to be over.

malinkey, I agree with the cutting off from the alcoholic, but the family cut HER and her DC off too. They cut them ALL off to abandon the lot of them, for their own selfish reasons, not to help the DH.

If there had been reason behind it, they would have come out and said something when OP wrote to them about it, they would have said something to her when they got her on her own in the house.

Yes, hissy, I was just playing devil's advocate really as it wasn't really clear whether the ILs were cutting off from him justifiably because they couldn't deal with him, but that meant they weren't able to see Biggins and DCs because he would always come as part of the package.

Doesn't make it right necessarily - I just wondered what the whole story was and whether they gave any explanation to Biggins before disappearing from her life, IYSWIM. But as you say, they would have said something to her if they were being reasonable.

Sorry to talk about you OP! I do think it sounds like he's still in denial about his problem and I agree that Al Anon would be a good idea for you.

I agree I think he IS in denial, but that is OK, if he's not drinking atm, he can come to the realisation that this IS an issue he has to tackle. Biggins can help him with this, and he can help her with Al-Anon.

I'm GLAD he's cutting them off actually, as they will be a massive part of the reason why he has issues with alcohol anyway, remove them from the picture, it makes HIS job of recovery a whole lot easier.

Biggins, band together as a family unit, get some help for everyone and you will all grow from this.

He could have crumbled, he didn't, he's out working, he sounds like a strong man, just needs a little help and support, things that he's not had from his family.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the different viewpoints. Lots for me to think about.

malinkey I had always thought I had a good relationship with pil and they could have approached me independently of dh. But they didn't, in fact they left me high and dry (don't want to out myself with a description but we had arranged to meet up for an event together when dh was working and after it was over they left me in a strange town with 4dcs in the dark and rain). This was the last contact I had with them until the phone call mentioned below.

It is interesting that someone mentioned his family are the reason for much of his problems. After a lot of thought I think there may be some truth in this. So I can understand why he does not want them in his life. I am at a loss as to what to say/do for the dcs - one set of grandparents gone without explanation. Thank you boney I had not really thought of it like that and I think you are right.

There was no explanation when they cut contact - a brief phone call from mil where she was basically saying that she knew something was wrong and that was it. Until they turned up on my doorstep 4 months later!
Certainly dh has been much happier without them. Also a lot of what has been said regarding dh's family has been brought home to me this morning as I received a text from sil saying she wants to see the kids but "couldn't care less about dh"

oldqueenie He has had some counselling through a Christian rehab charity but no involvement with AA. His GP has been very good but the nhs alcohol worker dh was refered to was hopeless to be honest.

I am so proud of dh - he really crashed but has worked so hard to turn things around. These issues still need sorting through. I need to start thinking of our family unit, to build ourselves up and not be dependent in any way again on the inlaws.

Your SIL said that? FFS!

Your DH would be so hurt by that and she knows it. Trust your DH, he knows the score here, much better now he's sober. He saw what they did to him, AND his family, and he is angry, rightfully so.

I appreciate you are applying normal family dynamic to these people, but they are anything but normal. focus on getting YOUR own unit strong and healthy, sod the rest of them.

Well done, you have really helped your DH in coming to understand all this.