Long - Sorry - dh and in laws and what to do?

[BigginsforPope]

I am feeling a little delicate today and I am trying to clarify things going round in my head.

A little back story:
6 months ago my dh was diagnosed as an alcoholic (after losing his job and being arrested) He got help from his GP and some good friends and has straightened himself out massively and I am really proud of the way he has turned things around.

At the time his parents cut contact with us after being very involved in our lives and our dcs ie regular meals together, dcs would stay over there, we were even planning a summer holiday together and have holidayed together in the past. So this was a big change.
At the time I was very upset by their lack of support towards myself and the dcs. Really when we needed them they weren't there for us. But we survived and managed as you have to. The inlaws have phoned once and a few weeks ago turned up on our doorstep when I was at home on my own (dh working, dcs at school). went my face after no contact for all those months.

Anyway I do not want to fall out with them about it - they made their choice but I don't want to pretend everything is okay and go back to regulary being in each others pockets - I don't feel I can trust them the same. So I wrote and explained this - have not heard anything since although I did recieve a birthday card.

Finally I get to the problem today - Dh is absolutely adament that he (and me and dc) are to have nothing more to do with his family ever again. That's it, finished. I can understand his point, we were let down etc Buuut what dh doesn't get is that in the run up to his arrest/job loss (ie the months of heavy drinking) he was an absolute arse to live with and be married to. He was also rude and stroppy with his family and fell out with various siblings at the time so it is no surprise to me that his family found him difficult and stayed away.

Why can't he see this? It just makes me want to cry today when I think how awful that time was. Even though Dh and I have sorted things as best we can and agreed to stay married it doesn't mean it all magically disappears.

The thing that brought this to a head was a few weeks ago we were talking with some good friends about what we had been through and their response was "it is all so recent and you are still recovering" That is how I feel but dh refuses to acknowledge this and because we have agreed a fresh start that's it. What happened last year is gone. As you can tell from this super essay it has not gone for me.
The ongoing dispute with the inlaws is killing me. I don't want to fall out with them nor deny them a visit to their grandchildren. His sister wants to visit but dh said no. He doesn't see the part he played in the way things turned out.

Sorry for the epic post but this is all going round in my head I don't really have anyone to share it with.
I would appreciate any thoughts if you got this far!

Your in-laws were wrong to back away from you and your children when you needed them most, however I think your husband needs to accept he is a recovering alcoholic and always will be one drink away from being an alcoholic again, I would encourage him to attend AA meetings as he clearly is trying to pretend his addiction never happened and that is a frightening thing, he needs to accept it to really overcome it.Tell him while you respect he is not ready to come to terms with his family and their lack of support, you will be having a relationship with them

THH I think that text along with some comments on here have really helped me see where we need to draw the line. I am not going to push dh into "making up" with his family. We will manage without them after all we have been to hell and back and survived without them so I know we can do it.

still not sure what if anything to say to the dcs though.

I am sure dh knows how close he came to losing everything and deeply regrets that but I am not sure how much he really sees the pain I went through. For example we had a discussion about sorting our finances out - he fails to see how we got into debt last year. I can see clearly how much he spent on drink, fags and crap food. And how he spent money without checking the balance or thinking bills/dcs clothes etc and how I then had to struggle to get things together. You wouldn't believe the financial cost but I can see it. It is one thing it will take us time to get straight with.

Biggins you and your DH sound like a true team - I am really glad you have managed to work things through and I am sure when he is ready Dh will be able to recognise and acknowledge the struggle and pain you had so that you can have the recognition you deserve.

You still have each other and neither of you treated the other as disposable like his family have - he fought his problems to keep you and you stood by him.

I wish your family all the best for the future, and some of the comments on here have also helped me see my own (similar) situation a little differently too in a good way.

Thanks to OP for posting and thanks for those who have helped.

Just wanted to thank everyone who contributed here. It has really helped me find some perspective in all this.

I am feeling so much better about things this week

Your PILs are being very mean, but your DH is right to prioritise his recovery.

He will struggle to do it alone though- one of the advantages of AA attendance is that he's get support seeing his part in relationships- it would take the burden off you.

Have you considered Al Anon; for the same reasons- to widen your support network?

Yes, that was harsh of your SIL but there must have been reasons for that statement. Sounds like she had had enough. Has his drinking been going on for years? Had his parents ignored it and been in denial or do they drink too?

I agree it was wrong for them to just leave you when you needed them and i understand your H is angry and bitter - but i think he needs to think about his children. He doesn't need to have anything to do with them but it would be very selfish to deprive his kids of grandparents who were previously hands on.

Your DH will have been in a blackout when things were very bad - he won't remember very much at all. So it is pointless going over old ground. It will make you stronger if you don't.

Take it from me, I KNOW as my EH is an alcoholic and has never found sobriety.....you are incredibly lucky to have a 2nd chance with your DH but as has been said, he will soon start to struggle without a programme. And so will you. Give Al-Anon a try, it has helped many many people (I owe my life to it, but it has helped me) - PM me if you want more info about it.

As for his family, they evidently have their own issues around all this.....maybe his sobriety has made them examine their own lives/part in his story?