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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me to understand this man.

48 replies

Wittsend13 · 02/05/2012 16:42

I don't live in the UK. I moved to Ireland last year after having my DS by myself. I've been single for a year and a half nearly.

My friend told me, over here it's very different to how it's done in England. As in, you don't go out on dates etc when meeting men. So after several people telling me you tend to sleep with a guy then it's afterwards you start "seeing" them. Sound's all foreign to me as that's something I'd never do...

Anyhow, fast forward to a few weeks ago when we decided to go out and have a few (loads) of drinks. I very drunk got chatting to this guy. Ended up taking him back with me.(Don't ask) Did the deed and he left. We text, we talk. Not as often as I would like, but he does call me and makes an effort and has come round to mine about 5 times now. Apparently this is very good for an Irish lad to do...

He's very laid back to the point where he never makes plans. Everything is pretty much spur of the moment with him. I like spur of the moment too, but I also like to know what's going on. Last night I asked him to go out with me Sat and he wouldn't give me a yes or a no answer. He said he "could" be working but he just doesn't know. Now please tell me I'm reading way too much into this, but does it seem like he's not really bothered with me and it's all just for sex?

Sorry if I seem dim/over the top/obsessed here. I've been through hell and back with my ex and I know all the signs for an arse and I don't want to be to get myself hurt or used ever again.

I've got to run but I'll be back in an hour or so :)

OP posts:

Monty27 · 02/05/2012 16:45

^My friend told me, over here it's very different to how it's done in England. As in, you don't go out on dates etc when meeting men. So after several people telling me you tend to sleep with a guy then it's afterwards you start "seeing" them. Sound's all foreign to me as that's something I'd never do...
^
Oh fgs your friend has spun you a load of bullshit and yes, I would say the bloke you slept with is using you for sex.

Hassled · 02/05/2012 16:48

I think most people, regardless of nationality, would make plans with someone if they actively wanted to see them. No one really "doesn't make plans" if they're genuinely into someone and enjoys spending time with them. Sorry.

Even if I'm wrong and he really is just the laid back type, can you be arsed with that? I know I couldn't.

CotesduRhone · 02/05/2012 16:51

It probably isn't going to help, but em, in my experience a lot of Irish men are laid back to the point of horizontal about relationships.

Every relationship I have ever had has been conducted the way your friend said though, I can't say I've ever done the dating thing - if I hooked up with a chap and still liked him afterwards I would consider maybe going out with him. However, I don't presume to suggest this is how all Irish relationships are conducted.

Mumsyblouse · 02/05/2012 16:52

I'm afraid it's the old cliche, he's not that into you.

If he can't be bothered to make plans, and just turns up for sex/company when it suits him, and you don't want this, kick him to the kerb.

As for what your friend said, what a load of rubbish. You don't have to have sex first and then work out if you are dating if you don't want to, indeed if you continue to do so, you will end up in the same position you are in now a lot.

ShirtyKnot · 02/05/2012 16:52

uh.

"Apparently this is very good for an Irish lad to do..."

PooPooInMyToes · 02/05/2012 16:55

Sounds like a load of bullshit to me. Some of my family are Irish and this isn't how the behave.

If you are not comfortable sleeping with a guy you've just met then don't do it. Its not up to someone else to tell you what the rules are. Set your own rules!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/05/2012 16:55

You're not reading too much into it. It's started casual and it'll remain casual. He is an arse. Drop him and, while you're at it, drop the friend that sold you that ridiculous line about Irish dating. Decide on your own rules and standards...

BunnyLebowski · 02/05/2012 16:57

I'm Irish and have to admit there is a shred of truth in what you're friend says. As a teenager growing up I always found it bizarre that no-one asked anyone on a 'date'. It was a case of snogging the same person in the same disco every week and after, oh, 8 months of this you were a couple.

I left Ireland 10 years ago but still know people who 'court' in this bizarre and childish way.

That said, OP - your fella is taking the piss big style. You're a convenient shag for him and nothing more. Sorry . Please don't put up with it.

CotesduRhone · 02/05/2012 17:12

I should say I'm not actually defending this behaviour, shall I say. Just that you - much sooner rather than later - need to talk to him about what's actually going on, and bin him fast if he's playing you.

And don't do it again if it's not what you feel comfortable with doing.

scarletforya · 02/05/2012 17:32

I'm Irish and agree there is a grain of truth in the fact that there are cultural differences but I think that is being over estimated here.

When I was growing up there was no such thing as dating culture but that has a bit changed recently. People under 25 would go on dates now.

Irish lads can be very 'zen' about relationships to the point of thoughtlessness at times but usually it's the boundaries and expectations of the woman that shapes his response. If you show him that you're happy with waiting around and 'maybes' he will take that as normal and proceed in that way but with a bit of prompting some fellas will take their cues from the woman. I know that probably sounds a bit backwards but I've often seen it with my own eyes.

It's why you end up with the fearsome 'Irish Mammy' where the woman is boss. If you're into that and into him you could see if he's one of those lads. But it may just be that he's a player and it's nothing to do with Culture at all.

ErikNorseman · 02/05/2012 18:53

He's just not that into you. And just because other Irish people might shag first a date later doesn't mean you have to if it isn't your style. Surely most people don't behave like that forever do they? I mean, ok at 21 but at 41? Sad.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/05/2012 18:59

If you shagged everyone you liked the look of before going on any dates imagine how many you'd have slept with before meeting someone you liked!

Sounds like your friend is just promiscuous and thinks that's the norm.

BertieBotts · 02/05/2012 19:04

That sounds like how my friends & I conducted relationships in our teens

I think it's a bad idea to get bogged down in stereotypes. Whether something is "Good, for an Irish man" is irrelevant (and kind of insulting!) - All you need to think about is, is this good enough for me?

SadSoma · 02/05/2012 19:05

Agree with Scarlett, I went out with an Irish guy for a while and it was bloody hard work. He had some lovely qualities but he was so flakey that it drove me nuts.

Can you be bothered with all that?

Original poster

Wittsend13 · 02/05/2012 19:24

Wow thank you all so much for the replies. I know I'm coming across as a bit dim in my post, I can assure I'm really not! I agree I am reading a bit too much into it. I just cannot get my head around why he is always texting and calling me. He's never rude or anything it's just so random!

I think I'll back off a bit and see what happens. Thanks again.

OP posts:

Xales · 02/05/2012 20:45

Do you go out or does he just come to yours, have sex and go?

I think if he was that into you he would have said can't commit to Saturday as I may be working how about Tuesday when I know I am free.

Twiggy71 · 02/05/2012 21:09

I'm Irish and yes men and women still go on dates and it isn't the norm to have sex on a first date either. Its just letting the man have his cake served up on a plate without having to do any of the work to contribute to a relationship. Don't let him use you as he pleases and what your friend said is complete twaddle set your own limits of how you want to conduct your life and be happy in yourself....

Original poster

Wittsend13 · 02/05/2012 22:33

Xales no he comes over, we talk for a few hours go to bed and he will stay until the morning when I have to go to work. He does ring and text me often and we never talk about sex. He will ask how I've been and what I've been upto. Re Sat, he just says he doesn't like to say yes or no as he doesn't know what could happen that day (Farmer who does get random calls for work) It's odd!

Twiggy I'm in the sticks and everyone agrees with my friend. I think it's crazy myself. I'd never do that in London.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wittsend13 · 02/05/2012 22:35

Xales sorry forgot to say. In the 6 times I've seen him. I've been out with him twice and the 1 st time was when I first met him.The second was when I texted him to come out at 12am and he did.

OP posts:

Marshmallowflump · 03/05/2012 07:04

Sorry but my take on this is he just might be Married or in a relationship if he is being all laid back and cool, please find out for your self and good luck, hope it works out ok for you.

Aussiebean · 03/05/2012 07:19

After a few years of learning from my mistakes I set my own standard and rules. No sex for the first 3 weeks. Anyone interested would be there - anyone just after a shag would be gone before the two weeks was up.

That really worked for me although that certainly wasn't the nor, in Oz or London. It worked very well for me though and no regrets.

Work out what you want set your standard and go for it.

One thing though is when he says 'he doesn't like to say yes incase something comes up' means to mean 'i don't want to say yes incase a better offer comes along'

I maybe wrong but if right move on

CotesduRhone · 03/05/2012 07:51

I don't know, it all sounds quite nice, light and casual, to me, OP. What are you looking for from him? Do you want a Full And Exclusive Serious Relationship? I think it's a bit harsh to assume he's some sort of player without talking to him.

I do say though, I would never trust a man who doesn't appear to want to be seen out in public with you. Unless he's a secret agoraphobic or something.

The bottom line is that you cannot read his mind, all you can do, scary as it is, is have an honest conversation with him about where you both think this is going, and if it's not in the same direction, wave him off with courtesy.

swallowedAfly · 03/05/2012 08:03

thing is even if it's all innocent as to why he won't commit himself to something a few days in advance you have to ask yourself whether that wouldn't just annoy the fuck out of you and make you feel unimportant anyway. because if he can't make exceptions to how he operates and accommodate you at the beginning when it's all love/lust's young dream then he's not going to do so later.

ok he gets last minute calls but do you think he never therefore arranges anything? makes a commitment? goes to a concert or a gig or whatever? because he might have to work? if yes that'd be bloody annoying and if no then he's managing to commit to other stuff that matters to him but won't commit to an evening out with a girl he supposedly likes.

it's not just after sex or great - there's a lot in between

ameliagrey · 03/05/2012 08:14

Are Irish women so desperate for a man that they have sex with them first, to get them interested?

Is there a culture in Ireland of women being dependent on men financially or otherwise- so they behave in the way?

I think you need to set your own moral compass.

FGS- you have a child- you must have had some experience of men. You don't have to behave as your "friend" advised. Don't you have a mind of your own?

WorriedBetty · 03/05/2012 08:20

I do wonder if he is 'dating' and you are 'relationshipping'. It sounds like dating whilst working to me - and if you push too much for GF behaviour when he is still in dating mode no wonder he is resisting! You need to bring up the 'what do you want' conversation somehow or say 'are you OK with this meeting up occasionally?' I think that (awaits flame!) that men do need to feel that they are deciding themselves not being dragged into something they don't know if they want.

If he doesn't want to meet you on a Sat it could be equally that he is worried that you see this as 'couples night' and are trying to reign in his existing social life and that is maybe making him nervous.

I would say try to go out with the person you are with, not the someone else you would like them to be

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