Help me to understand this man.

[Wittsend13]

I don't live in the UK. I moved to Ireland last year after having my DS by myself. I've been single for a year and a half nearly.

My friend told me, over here it's very different to how it's done in England. As in, you don't go out on dates etc when meeting men. So after several people telling me you tend to sleep with a guy then it's afterwards you start "seeing" them. Sound's all foreign to me as that's something I'd never do...

Anyhow, fast forward to a few weeks ago when we decided to go out and have a few (loads) of drinks. I very drunk got chatting to this guy. Ended up taking him back with me.(Don't ask) Did the deed and he left. We text, we talk. Not as often as I would like, but he does call me and makes an effort and has come round to mine about 5 times now. Apparently this is very good for an Irish lad to do...

He's very laid back to the point where he never makes plans. Everything is pretty much spur of the moment with him. I like spur of the moment too, but I also like to know what's going on. Last night I asked him to go out with me Sat and he wouldn't give me a yes or a no answer. He said he "could" be working but he just doesn't know. Now please tell me I'm reading way too much into this, but does it seem like he's not really bothered with me and it's all just for sex?

Sorry if I seem dim/over the top/obsessed here. I've been through hell and back with my ex and I know all the signs for an arse and I don't want to be to get myself hurt or used ever again.

I've got to run but I'll be back in an hour or so :)

I'd also advise caution, as to me it does sound as if he may already be attached. Have you any mutual friends?

I can only speak for myself but my behaviour was always a deliberate attempt to avoid getting involved, ameliagrey. I have certainly never been financially dependent on a man. Your post comes across as entirely judgemental and snooty, tbh.

No he's not married or with anyone else. I do have mutual friends.

Amelia I fail to see what having a child has anything to do with figuring out this bloke... Your post is very rude and offensive. Lot's of women all over the world will jump into bed with men. Not everyone is desperate for a man...

And as for me having a mind of my own. I do. I just decided for once to try something different.

I guess I'm at this stage in my life where I do want something a bit more.

Betty, I think you're right there. Back in the day I would have done exactly just that and I got burnt so I have since learnt my lesson hence why I'm on here asking rather than giving him the 100 degree! I think this bloke needs to believe it's his idea and not mine.

Thanks again for all the replies. I think I'll see how this weekend goes. He has been calling me today and is coming out with me on sat now. So I shall report back if anyone is interested on what's the outcome.

Wish me luck!

You fouind it rude then? well let me put it another way.

Lots of posters here said that what your friends told you was bullshit- ie the way that they "date" or don't actually "date" men but do bed first then dating.

The point I was making was that as a mum you are presumably a responsible person, with a certain level of maturity- yet you seem to have been brainwashed into thinking that your friends' way of behaving with men is okay- until you try it then come a cropper and need to ask internet strangers for advice.

I didn't actually say anything much different to anyone else- I did make my post shorter and a bit franker. If you don't want a range of opinions and only want people to agree or sympathise, then maybe asking on a forum is not the best way forward?

And olot's who are Irish have said there is truth in what has been said.

I've hardly been brain washed.

Yes you did say a lot different to other posters. I'll quote:

Are Irish women so desperate for a man that they have sex with them first, to get them interested?

Is there a culture in Ireland of women being dependent on men financially or otherwise- so they behave in the way?

If I just wanted to hear what I liked I wouldn't have asked on here saying that. The above is totally uncalled for. Anyway I'm not getting into a typing war. I've posted what I said I'm going to do. Thanks again for the replies.

Blimey, glad I don't live in Ireland then. This behaviour would drive me nuts I'd remain celebate for the rest of my life

Boy would this make me feel very unsettled and insecure.

Wits I think you are reacting so much because I've hit a nerve.

Everything you wrote in your first post described how women appear to sleep with a guy first then hope he will want to date them. if that doesn't show desperation and giving power to men, then I don't know what it does show. Because you have tried that behaviour ad it's now got you into this pickle trying to work out what he wnats. Why can't youj ust admit this?

Oh come on. I'm more just slightly confused. Like I said in my OP, they're different over here. I'm used to men who are straight up and not laid back in the slightest. I guess it's just me getting my head around it.

I was happy to have a one night stand. Except it's not one. I didn't sleep with this guy hoping to get a date afterwards. I wanted a shag, got one and now I'm kinda falling for him......Even though the situation is doing my head in a bit.

Are Irish men really another breed? I doubt it. For "laid back" you could read " Unwilling to commit and can ( sometimes) get what they want regardless. Like men the world over!

haha I'm starting to think they are!

HereIgo who knows! You make a good point! I'll just go with the flow and not have sex with him this weekend. At least that will tell me one thing or another!

no she's reacting because you were really rude and offensive amelia and seemed to want to just come on and have a nasty pop at someone.

you don't need to have your nerves hit to see that.

Swallowed- maybe you ought to read the post by Twiggy71- she said exactly the same as I did but maybe in a slightly less frank way.

I'm Irish and yes men and women still go on dates and it isn't the norm to have sex on a first date either. Its just letting the man have his cake served up on a plate without having to do any of the work to contribute to a relationship. Don't let him use you as he pleases and what your friend said is complete twaddle set your own limits of how you want to conduct your life and be happy in yourself

I really am pushed to see the difference between this and my comment about having a mind of your own.

And anyway- we had actually made up until you joined in and started being rude to me!

if you can't see the difference i worry for you. i don't think pointing out someone has been really rude (and is then trying to make out it's in the person who found it's head) is being rude

I've never subscribed to the ideology that says the only asset a woman has is sex to bestow or withhold, so I am happy to ignore ameliagrey's position on this (although I also feel she is being rude, about my entire country).

Anyway, what I meant to say also Wittsend, is, don't be too quick to ascribe cultural differences, or to give them undue weight even if there are any. I've seen people put up with appalling behaviour on the grounds (cf "he's only angry when I talk to other men because he's French, it's their way of showing you they love you" - I mean, someone said this to me, ACTUAL WTF?). If something is making you feel anxious or uneasy, it is - and you shouldn't try to paper over that with notional cultural difference.

if the guy isn't giving you what you want, and a talk doesn't resolve it to your satisfaction - and one cultural stereotype that usually is correct is that Irish people are generally happy to talk - then why bother with it? Either he's the sort of chap who doesn't realise how it's coming across, in which case it will be resolved very quickly, or you'll find out you're right to have this unease.

I am also reminded of the old joke of an Irishman's response to being asked "Do you love me?" - "Do you love me? Jaysus, of course I do, don't I ride you and buy you chips?"

CotesduRhone you're so right everyone loves to talk and I love it! haha at the joke :)

Thanks x

Well I wanted to update you all..

So I've seen him everyday since Friday. We haven't had sex, he's stayed over the whole weekend and we're now "seeing" eachother. We spoke and everything seems smoothed over. Well I feel a lot better about the whole thing. Still seems surreal to have met someone on a one nighter.. didn't think it was possible!

I feel so much better and feel a little silly asking all this earlier on in the week. Thanks again for all the replies all.

Thanks! Well we spoke and I just told him I'm not going to be mugged off (I'm so English lol) either we're going to do this or we're not. He agreed he and said he didn't want to come across as being too keen. So far he's really surprised me. I wasn't expecting any of it! Hope your friend doesn't get mugged off either :)

Wittsend that's good. So your friend was wrong