Mother in law is crazy!

[Oliisababy]

Hi All

So I would like your opinion/advice. Basically I've known my husb for 7 yrs. at first his parents were v nice, generous. I saw them twice a yr more or less. We went on holiday together all of us, it was all good. Well until about 3 yrs on, when I lost my job, was living with my bf (their son). Mil would go ballistic about me using her son etc etc. Ok they are Jewish (not sure if it makes a diff) but culturally we are different. Mil's character is somewhat bizarre, she views herself as this gentle super kind super sensitive woman. However she disregards her very angry neurotic side, where she can shout, v v v loud at someone for hours, yes, hours. Skipping forward, they are now retired, and live in another country in Asia, not far from me and my husband and son (who is just a toddler). A brand new war has begun.

She bitches incessantly by the hour, screaming and shouting, and name calling (bitch! Bitch! In Hebrew of course) and says things like "huh you think I care about you, I card about my grandson" or "this food is for my son". Here is the kicker she is staying in my house, every 2 months, and each time I feel more and more uncomfortable to the point I hide! I have spoken with my husband who frankly cannot be bothered with this anymore.

Every day I have to take her verbal abuse & dirty looks & nasty comments. She says I don't give them their grandson for long enough. Everyday I increase the hours they have him but it's never enough!! Ideally they want my son not to nap, not to go to playgroups, just to entertain them all day.

This is happening... They visit every 2 months and I am stuck!!! I really want to say my piece and I tried before but this woman is crazy. She will only shout back, scary loud. She told my son (when he was a small baby) in Hebrew that I understood "your mother is a cruel bitch, bitch, bitch" ..

I know this is a long message.. But I am desperate here. I tried talking to my husband (who no longer wants to be a part of this). I tried emailing to them, reasoning. I tried ignoring her. I tried playing super peaceful and doormat-like. My heart beats so fast in fear when I know she will be arriving. A prisoner in my own house, and no my husband would never kick out his parents.

Your advice is greatly appreciated...

Either your husband puts her in her place or you refuse to have her in the house. Outrageous!

So your husband is happy for you to be verbally abused by his mother and for your son to be told his mother is a bitch?

If your H wont support you then you are a little stuck and he is an arse.

How long do they stay for? Can you afford to take you and your son to a hotel when she is due over?

Or as soon as she make a single nasty comment tell her 'that was nasty and uncalled for', take your son and go out all day, coming back just before his bath and bed?

If they say something simply tell them that you will not stay around abusive people and neither will your son. If they behave you will stay...

If she is rude again, leave again. If your H gets involved on her side, leave again.

Do it every time. He is your child, he doesn't need to be in this atmosphere so you take him away. Eventually she will learn that being nasty to you reduces access to him.

If your Dh thinks so little of you he's happy for his mum to abuse you, i think you need to have a talk..

tell MIL she's not allowed to come anymore. Don't reply to emails, letters, texts etc.

You wouldn't put up with this from a stranger in the street so don't do it now.

Good luck.

Bottom line, your MIL is abusing your child by acting like this, as well as abusing you.

You need to prevent that happening, or he will be damaged. To say nothing of the damage to you all as a family - you, your h and your son.

So. Time for a showdown. Tell your H that you won't allow your child to be abused, so yes, he decides to either get rid of them, or you will go yourself and take your son with you.

It'll come to that in the end anyway.

And this is not your doing, but your MIL's.

Hi all

Thank you for all your advice. Well the thing is..my husband and I havent been getting on (for other reasons) for a few years now. That's another story! But we pretty much live like a separated couple in the same house, but stay together for my son. He tried to reason with his mother, but after many attempts he said he cannot take it anymore. His mother is too old to change will never change. Perhaps I am a coward, but I have only once talked back, and boy did she go totally nuts. If you can picture a woman raising her arms as she shouts at the top of her voice non stop following me as I try to flee. Even when I return it continues. When my husb comes from work, it continues.

Oh I have to add the fil is quiet and v smart. He senses my husb and I don't get on, divorce on the horizon maybe, so he takes photographic evidence of when they :-

Feed my son
Change his diaper
When my son hugs them

They stay for 2 weeks normally and everyday, same exact photos, either feeding/diaper change/hugs. At first I thought it was weird but I worked it out.
A family lawyer friend told me when it comes to custody of kids, status quo is the objective, so if the pil can show they are very involved in my son's life, it has to maintain this way. Another thing I am dreading!

Sometimes I think I am such a coward for not saying anything back.. But if I did, she will shout endlessly and nothing achieved. Yet I hate bottling it all up. The husband route won't work, he really doesn't want to get involved anymore.

What is the situation on custody etc there - will they take evidence of you being Bullied by the MiL into account? Can you get taped evidence of the screaming at you? Would your solicitor friend be able to advise you on that? Because it sounds to me as though they are completely unsuitable to look after your ds if they're going to say that sort of thing to you and about you in his hearing.

Where are your Parents? Could you take your son and stay with them?
Or is there anywhere else you could go? Play these nutters at their own game, every time your MIL goes off on one of her tantrums film it, film the abuse and file for a divorce once you have evidence that means you can cut them out

Mistle makes a good point. If you could get evidence of your MIL's abusive behaviour then that would be useful in any divorce proceedings. Your son should never be in their sole care, she is clearly unstable.

Wow - all the more reason to knock these horrific visits on the head before you divorce?

Can you go and stay with friends or family each time they visit?

I agree with mistle - you need evidence of the abuse, which would hopefully counteract the "good gparent routine" photos etc

Your husband 'no longer wants a part of this'... Well tough! He is allowing his mother to abuse you in front of your child in your home.

I would put my foot down.

She changes her behaviour or she will never set foot in your house or see your grandson ever again.

Oh dear, I just read your second post.

Record on your telephone the abuse you are receiving. Gather a small amount of evidence yourself.

Do not stay with your husband for the sake of your DC start divorce proceedings, or at least planning your exit. Your DH would be entitled to custody and I'm not sure you can stop her seeing her grandson during your DH's time.

Chuck your "husband" out he is worthless, how could he not stand up for you?

Do not stay together for the sake of the child; it is rarely if ever a good idea.

Both your ILs sound completely dysfunctional and unstable to be around; you need to stop their visits as of now.

OP If you were to get a divorce, which country would it be in? Did you live in the UK with your DH - is your DS born here? Your ILs seem to be making a lot of assumptions that they would have certain entitlements if you and DH were to split up.

You need, no really, you NEED to get this under control. You can try a number of ways.

One, she calls you bitch in Hebrew to your DS, you say "don't worry darling, Granny is a crazy lady". Carry around your mobile phone (anything with a recording device - sound & film) and when she kicks off, record her. Openly. When she, or FIL wants to know what you're doing, tell them you're doing it as you're worried one day she'll harm herself, or you, or DS and you want evidence that she's mentally unstable.

Two: Forbid them to visit. Tell them they are no longer welcome as MIL is upsetting your family household. Ignore phone calls, texts and emails. If they contact your DH, and he says they can come, you leave with your DS to a hotel, or a friend's house, or you get on a plane and go somewhere else.
Tell your DH you will return when they leave.

Three: Leave your DH and return to YOUR country (UK?). Your ILs do not live in the same country as you now. They will never stay with you again. BUT DH will have access, and they will see him and work their poison then.

You cannot continue like this. Your DS is picking up very odd messages indeed from crazy MIL and is also learning that it's OK to abuse you as Daddy doesn't do anything. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. You need to protect your DS from her, and to do that, you need to get tough.

MrsGypsy speaks a lot of good advice

It sounds like you are handing them.ammunition against you. It is time to start thinking of yourself and protecting yourself against what is coming down the tracks. Your il's and mil in particular are no good for your son so don't allow them to build a case. It would be great for your son to have a. Loving relationship with his grandparents but that's a two way street
No way should you be suffering what you do.to facilitate the relationship that exists at present. Your husband sounds an arse
He expects all this from you? He should ne bendimg over backwards of he wants his his parents in his sons life
YOU. Don't owe them anything

I second the recording of the abuse. Maybe, even as far as setting up a camcorder hidden, and then keeping it as evidence. I agree with pp saying that she can no longer abuse you infront of ur son, as he will think this is normal, and will start doing it back 2 you :(

Yes, you don't owe them anything. If they cannot treat you with respect, tell them they are no longer welcome.

I wouldn't have this kind of abuse around my child. What makes it even worse is that your husband doesn't seem to care, is not sticking up for his wife and child, seems to have washed his hands of it all.

What are you hanging around for?

You and your son are both being damaged by this behaviour. She seems deranged. You cannot "fix" her, but you have to protect you and your son.

Please do not stay in these toxic family dynamics.

What is inthis situation for you?
you say you are staying for the sake of ds- tbh its not such a good bargain for him even without this il unpleasantness. I think you need to reevaluate your situation, prioritising DS, you, the dh. Mil somewhere behind your frying pans feelings about moving to another cupboard

Hi all

Really good advice, thanks so much... I will start recording with my mob from now on. My parents are getting old and they have no idea and if I tell them, they will just worry. I thought about staying away when they come but it will cause hassle for my friends/family, and every 2 mths a big hassle for them and of course a hotel would be money wasted. My husb also lives here so he won't allow his parents to stay elsewhere, and there isn't a hotel nearby.

And my son is growing up fast and he will realise mummy and daddy don't get on and grandma hates mummy etc. If my family knew they would be so upset. Hence i am on the forum chatting about this.

But you are all so right, I have been sitting on this dilemma for too long, it's time to make plans.

Another idea is I will put headphones & music on when she is around, so I cannot hear her or acknowledge her presence. As for my husband, it's a whole different long story.. Let's just say I could have chosen better!

Time to put a plan in place...

Thanks v much guys...really appreciated!

Take heart, honey. When Mel Brooks (Jewish) met Anne Bancroft (Catholic) his mother told him to bring her home for dinner and added 'I'll be in the kitchen with my head in the oven'

Next time she's due to arrive for a visit, make sure you're at the airport or trainbus station so that you can wave to her as you and your ds depart to stay with relatives/friends who will be delighted to see you both.

Do you think H has spoken to her that you are no longer happily married? Maybe this is why she feels it's ok to be abusive.

P.S leave him.

Gosh what a nightmare!

Good point Cocolepew, H prob has told his parents.

H has started changing his pwds to emails and super secretive with his finances & accounts so it's like everyone is preparing for war (except me) .. All the more reason I need to be planning.

His parents totally spoil their son..Always telling him how he is the best, he can do no wrong (even though he is in his 30's and not a child anymore) Which is prob why he can be so narcissitic

Sometimes I really wonder if it's their culture thing, where everything begins and ends with arguing, shouting, revenge, plotting. Nothing is ever civil. No please, no thank you. All so chaotic and they make life so complicated, and warlike.