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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh won't talk about it

28 replies

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 02/05/2012 13:52

On the surface we get on fine. Normal conversations take place, life goes on. But we had a row recently and things were said on both sides and things deep down are definitely not right. He said he's not sure how he feels about me and I said perhaps we should call it a day. I don't want to but I don't want to live a lie either.

But you'd never know it. Normal conversation continues. Life goes on. He even came over and hugged me last night, for something random. I asked him why and he just shrugged.

I tried to talk to him about how he felt as I feel awful and don't trust him anymore. I know he's talked about me to his mother because she's been off with me lately. I asked him how he felt and he just clammed up. He won't answer me or initiate any conversation about our marriage. I don't know if he still loves me because he can't or won't tell me. I need to talk about this, I feel stuck in limbo. If he wants to end it, why not just get on with it? Why pretend everything's ok? I don't know what's going on in my own marriage.

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 02/05/2012 13:54

I'd tell him to go stay with his mother until he's ready to discuss things like an adult? Bet you're pussy footing around etc. and he's loving it.

Another - get your big girl pants on here.

gomowthelawn · 02/05/2012 14:44

You told him that perhaps you should call it a day? That hug was probably a goodbye squeeze thing as he thinks it's over.

If you don't want it to be over, tell him. Tell him all the reasons why. If you do, tell him that too. He's in a mess too, and a bit emotionally inarticulate by the sound of it.

If your marriage is worth fighting for, fight for it, otherwise step up and start the motions for moving on with your life.

AgathaFusty · 02/05/2012 15:37

Do you want to end your relationship?

MissFaversham · 02/05/2012 15:39

Why don't you trust him OP?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/05/2012 15:52

This is a big generalisation but it's just to make a point. When women want to punish each other, they don't talk. For men, sitting in silence together is not a punishment but a sign of contentment. I'm wondering if you're interpreting his reluctance to talk as symptomatic of problems when really it doesn't mean anything at all. Or is there something tangible that's definitely wrong with your marriage beyond a vague feeling and what was said in the course of an argument?

Original poster

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 02/05/2012 19:31

Well basically he told me he didn't know how he felt about me anymore. I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn't know. Not 'of course I love you!' but 'I don't know'. He said he was unhappy and thought I took him for granted. I said I too felt taken for granted. He said there were other things he was unhappy with. He wouldn't tell me what they were though.

I've just said to him either talk about this with me or piss off to your parents, you don't seem to have any problem talking to them.

I keep thinking I'd rather be by myself than a doormat in a loveless relationship.

OP posts:

Charbon · 02/05/2012 20:33

It's a very controlling thing to do.

He knows you very well I imagine and realises that you want to clear the air and know where you stand, but by maintaining the silence about your relationship your frustration will grow and what sometimes happens is the person is so grateful when the deadlock is broken, she ends up making concessions.

It's a very well-known tactic in relationships so I can tell you the best way to counteract it.

You take control yourself. You say that you've been thinking about it and cannot stay right now with someone who doesn't know if he loves you, so you'd be grateful for some separation. Tell him you know your own worth and that you deserve to be with someone who loves you and who will resolve problems in an adult fashion and not use the tactic of use of silent withdrawal.

This is a game and games have got no place in adult relationships.

AgathaFusty · 02/05/2012 21:05

He tells you that there are things he is unhappy with in your shared relationship, but won't say what those things are??

Controlling and nasty.

What's his relationship like with his parents generally? How do his parents treat you?

Original poster

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 02/05/2012 21:51

His mum has always been a bit opinionated but the other day she was downright bloody nasty. Bit coincidental.

I don't think he's really taking this seriously. Even if he doesn't see that there's a big problem in our marriage, I would like him to recognise that I'm pissed off.

I've just said he could go and stay at his parents for a few days. Have a bit of a separation and see how we feel. It wouldn't be practical for me to go because I'm the dc's main carer and they've got school etc. He just gave a wry smile and started talking about the tele.

Perhaps I'm a bit overwrought after reading all the sad relationship stories on here. Would be nice to see someone say 'actually I'm quite happy, life isn't always shit'!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 02/05/2012 21:56

Fantastic post, Charbon. I wish I'd been here when my marriage went to pot.

Original poster

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 02/05/2012 22:14

I really want to ask him again if he loves me or not. I'm just scared of the answer. And I don't want to plead either.

Although I think if he said no he wouldn't actually expect anything to change. He's sat here with me now like nothing's happened. He recently said he wants to turn the spare room into a boys den. There's a bed in there. I could imagine him quite happily moving in there and carrying on as normal. I don't think he'd have a problem with that.

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 02/05/2012 23:01

OP if it's any consolation, not wanting to overtake. I have just ended something about an hour ago due to me feeling exactly like you. Papering over cracks doesn't work. You should never "need" to ask someone if they love you.

At the end of the day sweetheart, he doesn't make you happy.

amillionyears · 02/05/2012 23:08

It doesnt seem to me that he wants to leave at this moment in time.Give him a hug and see what he does.

MissFaversham · 02/05/2012 23:11

amillionyears are you sure about that?

Charbon · 02/05/2012 23:15

He's drowning you out then? You asked for a separation and it was though he hadn't heard you. Unless you're in the habit of making threats and not carrying them out, or a drama llama whose meltdowns are predictable and wearisome, you've simply got to make yourself heard and follow through.

It seems like he's asking for a romantic separation while living in the same house. I've got to say the only times I've heard of men requesting this has been when they've been having an affair, but it doesn't suit them to leave the marital home - yet....

Is that possible? Have you noticed any strange behaviour that might indicate it? What has causes these rows and your mistrust?

Either way I think you've got to take control and refuse to allow these manipulative tactics. It's never a good idea to stay with someone who isn't sure he loves you and it will destroy you to try.

MissFaversham · 02/05/2012 23:17

Sort of loves charbon

CrispyCod · 02/05/2012 23:18

I totally agree with Charbon.

This stinks of him getting 'his' house in order before he calls it a day and moves on. He wants to do it in his own time.

NicNocJnr · 02/05/2012 23:19

He gave you a wry smile and is now sat with like nothing happened. Well, well. Lucky boy.

If you've read the other stories on here and you can recongnise certain behaviours, respond them in the way that was advised. If other situations are the same - ditto. Sort out how you feel, then you'll have a stable base from which to push or pull. I would push - whether that's to his parents, to couselling (I wouldn't) or just out. Yes he doesn't seem to want to leave, doesn't mean he wants to stay in the relationship, just in his house with his kids. I'd bite my tongue off rather than ask if he loves me.

Agree with Chabon again.

AnyFucker · 02/05/2012 23:23

he talks or he goes

ultimatum time

but don't ask him does he love you ?

ask him what the fuck gives him the right to treat you like this

AgathaFusty · 03/05/2012 09:04

He's taking the piss, please don't let him. It will destroy your self respect and won't make him respect you any more. Take some control back.

I would be sorely tempted to have his bag packed ready for him today, with a least enough stuff for a week.

He needs to understand that his behaviour isn't acceptable, and that he cannot go on stringing you along in his little mind games like this.

Original poster

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 03/05/2012 12:46

Well I think he considers himself thoroughly told off.

We had a bit of a heart to heart last night. He got a bit upset and said of course he loves me, he just finds it hard to show because he resents the fact that I'm at home all day living the life of riley being a SAHM and completely taking him for granted. He has to go out to work every day in quite a demanding job and he felt that I was taking the piss a bit. Apparently I've been demanding money for this and that and he felt a bit overwhelmed.

I did apologise because there is a bit of truth in it. I don't sit here on my arse all day and I did remind him that actually a SAHM has a bloody busy life most of the time and as he still comes home to a clean house and clean kids with his dinner ready and his washing done, he can't really complain. But there is a lot of stuff we want to do to the house and I have been ordering bits and pieces without really thinking about it. Things are tighter now than they have been and I realise that's the case for everybody these days but we've never been short of money. If he was worried he should have said instead of bottling it all up. But then he's never been very communicative. I did remind him that the plan was I would be at home whilst the dc's were small but then once they're both at school I'm perfectly capable of returning to work and contributing to the finances again.

Apparently he didn't know what to say and then we had a row and I started coming out with stuff like splitting up and seperating and going to live at his parents and he said he felt as though I'd got what I wanted out of him and wanted out now. He said he felt used.

I said I felt neglected and unappreciated and would like him to put me before monetary concerns. I think in future we need to be a bit more open with one another.

I think we've taken a positive step forward anyway. Feels as though some air has been cleared. Will have to see how it goes.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 03/05/2012 13:51

Great. Good luck to you both.

AgathaFusty · 03/05/2012 16:19

Good luck, hope things improve now. The years with young children are hard. Do you do stuff together as a couple?

Original poster

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 03/05/2012 16:44

Well, not really, no, not any more. In the winter we go brushing and shooting together, although we're usually opposite sides of a wood or field, but we are there.

He did actually suggest a romantic meal out for valentines this year. Unfortunately I then had a stinking cold and then we couldn't loan the kids out for the night, and it never really happened. Perhaps I should mention it.

OP posts:

IslandMoose · 03/05/2012 16:59

Sounds like it was mainly a communications problem OP - well done for sorting it out.

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