Awkward situation (long)

[GeorgesMum2008]

Ex and I broke up a few months ago after about 8 months together. I met him as he worked at the uni I was studying at and his son is same age in same nursery as mine. Age gap between us, I'm 22 he's 31 but due to having a 3 y/o DS I felt ready to settle down and wanted someone older. Really, really liked the guy and things were amazing. He referred to us as 'family' quite quickly although I sometimes wondered if I was the rebound after his ex and child's mother walked out on him.

Anyway fast forward, after about 4 months he started to act differently, distant... It all came to a head when my son was rushed to hospital, he had awful croup and problems breathing. Obviously I was a state and terrified, called my partner at the time who said he couldn't come to the hospital as he was going out for a friend's birthday. I was so shocked, after his proclamations of wanting to settle down with me etc... He thought I was unreasonable and my anger should be aimed at my son's father for not being there- which hurt more- as my partner I felt he should have been there.

Anyway after this we broke up. I stupidly begged for him back, wanted it to work missed him etc. he was having none of it. After the breakup, I was informed by a mutual friend 1 week later he was "in a relationship" according to Facebook.

The next day, I went to pick my son up and see him leaving with his son and a nursery worker- his new gf! I feel so incredibly awkward now every day when I pick up DS. I'm so angry out of everyone, he choses a woman I have to see everyday, who looks after my son. He takes her to pick up his son even on the days she isn't working, so my son- who misses ex- sees him arrive everyday and leave with the woman who looks after him. Sometimes he asks me in front of her why we can't go to exes house.

This whole situation is so awkward and I hate him for a) clearly having some kind of relationship with her when we were still together and b) the fact I have to trust this woman with my son every day.

I don't know how to handle picking up my son anymore, I've been doing the whole smile pretend it doesn't bother me but I'm so mad, this is effecting DS and he's very confused. Any advice?!

Feel lucky, because you are, you have had a lucky escape, he sounds like an utter cunt You and your DS are better off without him

Totally agree with BNN.
Also remember your DS is 3. It's confusing now but luckily for some of us at that age we are able to do a little repainting of their memory attic.

Look I hate the thought of exes slating each other to the kids and all that entails but this is different. Your DS only needs a solid relationship with his father at this point this othe guys memory needs no spit and polish in your son's mind.

You have 2 choices - change nursery or tell DS in age appropriate terms bastard twat liar doesn't live with us anymore. It is ok to be sad he is gone but DS can't go to his house because he is not allowed. I baulk at even typing the words ex doesn't want him. But that's the truth. I don't know how to finish it in a less negative way - I hope another poster will be along with a better solution.

Have a short explanitory chat. Change the subject otherwise and distract, distract, distract.

If you are comfortable this silly bint will be professional enough to deflect innocent questions from your son. Ok. Otherwise consider moving.

You were in a vulnerable position, however he was feeling at the time he took advantage of it then took the first opportunity he could with this other woman. I'd be MAD not sad - how very fucking dare he?! Idk what else to suggest.

While I get to supposedly save face you carry on carrying on this inconsiderate rectalmucus has made a deliberate choice to flaunt this - to make it awkward. If you weren't a mummy you could hold your head high but as a mummy you may need to consider the less damaging option for your son is moving. Ex as a father should have the common fucking humanity to care that much about a kid he lived with for half a year - but he doesn't or he actually wants to hurt and confuse your son to get to you. While I don' think you can get away with killing him for that cockbaggery you can maintain the discretion that is the better part of valour and walk away the moral superior and leaver her to duke it out with the next other woman and be very sad for his son.

Thanks guys, leaving nursery would be crap because ds been there since he was 4 months old, he has good friends there and I don't know anyone else with kids, he's an only child so I don't want to disrupt his relationships, especially not for my stupid stupid ex.

Everyday, as I pull up to nursery, I'm shaking, at the prospect of seeing him/her, uuuugh I'm being pathetic I know. Hate them both!

You're not being pathetic!

He's put you and your boy in a vile vile situation.

Plenty of good posts above so I'll leave it at that. You are so well rid. Really.

Is it possible to move your boy?

You have had a fortunate escape. He sounds a selfish bastard and she very dim. And I don't say this to upset you, but expect her to get up the duff, it would be about par for the course, poor cow.

And pragmatically decide which is the lesser of two evils: a new nursery for dc to settle in to, but no visual reminders of selfish bastard for your dc or for you OR just ride it out, bounce into nursery as if life could not be better.

Thank you, that's so funny what you say about her getting pregnant because that's exactly what I was thinking, I can just see it, I know it is going to happen.

I think I'm going to have to ride it out, but if I do bump into them together and have to walk past them, which is very possible, do I ignore, or do I pretend to be happy and say hi?!

Oh say Hi politely and walk on. Polite indifference is the absolute best way to deal with this sort of thing: you don't want to give a knob like him the satisfaction of thinking you're bothered by his behaviour. As to the GF, she'll learn what a knob he is soon enough, and that;s if she doesn't get into trouble at work, because it's quite possibly a bit frowned on for nursery staff to become involved with nursery clients.

I'd actually speak to the nursery owner, explain this (edited version perhaps) and say you are going to have to seriously consider moving your son because of the distress it causes him. I wonder whether that might prompt a quiet word with the nursery worker telling her to not do the pickups on the days she isn't working, or even to move her to another room. The management might well see that it would be better to move her from a situation where she is potentially favouring a particular child and where her personal arrangements may cause the nursery business - it would be unfair for her to lose the job, but a move to a different group of children is not IMO unreasonable.

My love. You owe this turd NOTHING.

You do however owe your son something. To protect him and his feeling about you and the world you both live in.

THIS is the reason why you don't introduce a man to a child without really knowing him. You are not likely to really know himn even after 8m. And certainly NEVER at 4m.

The signs were there. His EX walked out on him. Ask yourself what it takes to actually DO that.

He referred to you as family quickly - that in itself is a red flag.

At the very first issue, that man let you and your son down, by prioritising his mates piss up over his partner and her son having to rush to the hospital.

Well done for breaking up with him after that... Your instincts were (and still are) bang on.

OK so you asked him to come back, that was a mistake, but thankfully it didn't happen.

Discuss with the owner of the business the issues as EightiesChick says, this guy is manipulating this woman into somehow upsetting you directly and again through your son. I'll hope that the GF sees through the bastard's crap and dumps him too.

FWIW, sounds like he is bitter about his ex leaving him, and you dumping him has made him want to hurt you, which is why he is banging this girl AND using the same nursery you use. To get at you in every way possible.

I think the fact he is a client of the nursery, and she is a worker there, there is a potential for conflict of interest.

If I were you I'd give serious thought to moving your boy unless the nursery either remove her from the setting and/or this Ex learns to behave. YOU moving away from such a deeply unpleasant person would be a darned sight easier than getting him to pretend to be a normal human being.

Thank you, and you are spot on about his bitterness for his ex leaving. He would speak of loathing her and waste energy discussing everything he hated about her, including when her menstrual cycle was, how she acted at that time etc etc. He could't even look at her, blocked her Facebook etc, as a single parent myself I understand a degree of conflict but it's more indifference in my situation with ds father now and I think that's healthy.

He has actually contacted me a few times since the final break up, on one occasion asking m if I was with anyone. I don't know if I did the right thing but I responded a few times because I didn't want him to know he'd hurt me, so I kept it brief and lighthearted. But sometimes I think he did not deserve even that. I will not be replying if he contacts me again. Ds starts school in Sep so it may be best to stick it out a few more months. Even another mum stopped me recently and said she saw them picking up his ds and found it "uncomfortable" and "unprofessional". He seems to be desperately clinging onto anything he can get his hands on.

If ANY man talks bitterly about his ex, dump them immediately! It's a grade 1 red flag. Dare say the GF is being told similar about you..

I agree with you, if DS is leaving nursery anyway, sit it out, smile think shrivel up and die, you slug and nod, or just plain ignore.

You show much dignity actually! Well done. Let the other mums report the relationship, and if asked, support them in their efforts to resolve this situation.

That guy is a creep, there's little I'd put past him Tbh.

If your ds is leaving the nursery to start school soon, then it's not really feasible to move him now. But you can certainly speak to the manager, inform them that one of their staff is having an affair with a parent (surely not professional) and ask that she is removed from any direct dealings with your son.
Then move on, and consider yourself to have had a lucky escape.

I agree with Eightieschick about talking to the manager about it. Its not fair that you are made to feel uncomfortable about the fact that one of the people who you have been paying to look after your child for the last few years has been fucking your boyfriend and you have to be confronted with them everyday!

You definitely need to speak to the manager about this. She shouldn't be working with your son now - it's too confusing for him.

Stay polite in public - say hello if your son is with you but never stop to talk. Don't answer any of his texts. Who the hell does he think he is, asking you whether you're with someone? What business is it of his?

There were an incredible number of red flags flying around this man. Pity the more women (for there will be more than one) who'll be involved with him in the future.

My opinion is that he didn't choose her because you have to see her regularly - he chose her because he wanted her, started something up with her and didn't give any regard to what you thought.

In future, I would forget the proclamations of family until they prove that they are so, and expect careless behaviour until they prove they care. If you don't give out so much in the beginning, you don't have to roll so much back up when you find out that in fact you are leaving, not staying.

Definitely speak to the nursery

So, if his son is the same age as yours, does that mean this nursery worker is also caring for him? And is sleeping with the father of one of her charges?

Isn't that just plain wrong? On every level? But particularly in a "professional" setting of a nursery.

Yes he is the same age and yes she does work with both him and my son- who are inseparable at nursery. I am kicking myself for being so stupid, at the time it seemed perfect, this older man wanting to settle down, his son best friends with mine, seemed like the perfect set up. I now see, these were the reasons NOT to become romantically involved.

He also seemed like the perfect father (he has custody of his ds), but to introduce a woman who has looked after his ds at nursery for years is surely not only confusing to my son but his as well?! He is not only fucking my ds over but his too, IMO. He is just desperate to replace the mother of his ds I think.

I'm not sure as to the rules on this? We got together just as I was leaving uni so no doubt that must have looked un-professional as he worked in the department in which I was studying. He's making himself look so much worse doing this surely?

I would be on the phone to the nursery manager first thing on Tuesday morning.

So he was a lecturer at your university? This is looking worse by the minute!

He was the "technical demonstrator" so showed us how to use software. The nursery is the university nursery on the same campus, I'm starting to wonder if he just can't be bothered dating outside of his work place lol.

Yes, it sounds as though he's in the perfect location for young women, doesn't it?

Yep, I had a bad feeling at the start cos of how fast he was going but a mutual friend assured me he was "one of the good guys" HA!! The nursery worker is his age, I just don't get why immediately they were picking up his ds together. He'd be there with the same football him and I would take our ds's to park with, walking off with her clearly doing the exact same things we did one picking up ds's. I always assumed older men were more mature- talk about a rude awakening :S

Wow!