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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Loud voices from the past - have I been here before?

34 replies

Poppysquad · 01/05/2012 23:32

I am currently going through a divorce after a 25 year relationship and decided, just to add to my stress (!) to try internet dating.

I have met a chap, a widower a couple of years older than me and we have really got on well. We've met up about half a dozen times and have actually spent a weekend away together which was lovely.

My trouble is that I am plagued by things that happened with my STBXH, who, I now know lied to me through his teeth to cover up an affair.

The new chap has been telling me that he can't meet as frequently as he'd like to at the moment because he's supporting a close friend who has cancer, and as his wife died of cancer, he understands what she is going through. My STBXH nursed his dad through a long illness but now I think he also used the opportunity to spend time with the OW.

The new chap never calls me from his land line and is often out of the house when he does call me . I don't actually know his address is.

Is it just me? Is it just that I am highly suspicious due to being so badly let down or does it sound odd to you?

OP posts:

izzyizin · 01/05/2012 23:39

He can't meet up with you because he's supporting a close friend, he never calls from his land line and is often out of his house when he does call, and you don't know his address.

And he's a widower? I doubt it, honey. This has all the hallmarks of a married man who's lying through his teeth to his wife as well as to you.

ImperialBlether · 01/05/2012 23:40

Agreed. He's married.

Eurostar · 01/05/2012 23:43

My advice in net dating is NEVER get close to someone when you do not know where they live and ideally have seen where they live. There are just so many partnered up liars on net dating.

Why would you go away with someone when you know so little about them?

NicNocJnr · 01/05/2012 23:52

I don't want to agree and I can find plausible explanations for all these things...but if you have to reach for them? Idk.

Well my question to myself would be: Regardless of the validity of my suspicions am I ready to put myself in the position of it possibly being true, feeling all those emotions again for the relationship we currently have? For me it would be no.

Have I misread (likely) or is it possible this close friend is actually his wife? I know it sounds crazy but there are a lot of 'obligation' marriages about, grief does funny things and etc. If so I think that would give me more of a push the other way.

After a long marriage, a significant betrayal and hurt it wouldn't be worth it for me. Keep things on the backfoot and stepping away from this guy might open the door for Mr Nice Guy to find you in a position to accept. Also you have made no commitment to this man and he is obviously keeping his distance slightly from you (whatever his reasons).
I agree it sounds suss but stepping away, broadening the horizons again, may well mean the situation becomes academic. I think it's odd, I think there could be any number of explanations but I also think gently saying you are allowing space for him to be the support he needs to be is certainly nothing to be reluctant to do. If your batsenses are tingling...

garlicbutty · 02/05/2012 01:50

I agree, he's hiding such a large and basic part of himself that it's not worth your investing more effort in this. I'm glad you've had a nice time with someone you met through your dating service. Your next wise move, I feel, is to be happy for the experience and move along to see what else is out there!

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 12:39

Do you have his landline number, Poppy, or is that another piece of information he hasn't divulged?

hathorkicksass · 02/05/2012 12:41

My gut says he's lying.

Sorry.

Mumsyblouse · 02/05/2012 13:26

Not giving a landline no or an address is a massive red flag, I would bet money he's in another relationship.

I wouldn't go for another weekend, until you know a lot more about this person, where they work, live, proper contact details. If you are getting on so well, it would not be strange to be invited to his house, or meet a friend of his, if none of this is happening and he's witholding information, you have to wonder why (the answer is obvious). Ask for the information and see what happens.

But, as garlicbutty says, it's great that you found someone you clicked with, let's hope there's more round the corner.

Mumsyblouse · 02/05/2012 13:28

By the way, I thought your thread was going to be about past-life regression or something like that, misread that one a bit!

sue52 · 02/05/2012 13:29

Sounds highly suspect. Be wary.

Original poster

Poppysquad · 02/05/2012 13:51

Thanks all - some very interesting views. The whole thing made me feel uncomfortable and brought back memories of my STBXH lying to me, even though my doubts maybe unfounded.

On the postive side:
He says that he is a very private person and he does seem to have kept lots to himself in the past. He was caring for his wife, who was disabled before the cancer, and has been very independant, the sole decision maker really. He is slowly opening up to me on other things.

It does sound like he has had to change other plans as a results of this individual, it's not just seeing me

He is still talking about us doing things together in the future. He has talked about us going away to his holiday home, so I don't think that this is him dumping me

He says he's hesitant at this stage about taking me back to his home as it was his and hos wifes home.

On the other hand:
I don't have his home phone number.

I don't know whether to confront him about these things. It does highlight my own insecurities, but he aware of of these, to some extent.

Maybe the advise of stepping away a bit, giving him some space, seeing what happens is the best approach.

OP posts:

garlicbutty · 02/05/2012 15:01

The anxiety about having you in the family home is understandable. But he could still give the phone number! Also, people I've known with this particular anxiety have been able to invite their partner in for a couple of hours, cup of tea, nosey around, etc.

"Very private person" generally means secretive, with something to hide. Even putting the most generous possible spin o it - he's not too private to tell you personal stuff of his choosing and share your body, is he? Whichever way you look at it, he's withholding and controlling the level of personal involvement.

Please try not to be drawn into making future plans, as if you were a sharing couple, because you're not. You're your own key-holder, remember! Date more :) Have fun!

izzyizin · 02/05/2012 15:12

How long has he allegedly been a widower?

Do you know his surname and do you have an idea of where he lives? Have you checked to see if he's listed in the phone directory?

If you get a 'fix' on him you can check his address against the electoral roll to see who's living there --or go knock on the door on some pretext or other at a time when he should be at work.

MissFaversham · 02/05/2012 15:37

I'd lay money on him being a cheat OP. Why not call his bluff and say that you'll call round and pick him up for the next date. Therefore you aren't going to actually go into his house are you.

Mumsyblouse · 02/05/2012 15:58

All these things may be true, but any nice understanding man would see that you need reassurance he is who he says he is, and that includes about where/who he lives with, what job he does, etc. Have you ever met a friend/neighbour/colleague of his? Do you know where he works (and have you googled him to see if he works there)?

I don't think a holiday home counts as that evidence myself, in fact I would be highly suspicious of anyone who took me to a holiday home and not to their main home!

As I say, his story may well be true. But extra reassurance shouldn't be a problem for him, unless he has something to hide it all sounds still a bit fishy to me

Original poster

Poppysquad · 02/05/2012 17:19

He's been a widower for less than 12 months. But a 'carer' for years.

And as for work, he's taken early (v. early!) retirement. There's evidence on an official directors database on the net about him resigning as a director of the company on the dates that he's talked about. But nothing else about him.

He's also talked about work and his experiences enough for me to believe that he is who he says he is and worked where he said he worked. Too much info and too consistent to be lies. But I haven't met any friends or previous colleagues yet.

He's also sent me through loads of details on his wife's illness in the past, when we emailed after first meeting. Too much again for this to be made up, in my opinion, but I supose she could still be alive??? Do I just sound like a Bunny Boiler???

I do know his full name but have not checked the phone directory but will do.

The more I think about it, it does feel a bit controlling. All on his terms. I wish that I wasn't keen on him. I think that I have been flattered by the attention after getting so little from my STBXH for so long. Low self esteem. Not sure I believe that there are lots of other men out there who would find me attractive.

I am planning to take some of the advice here and give him some space and if he's still keen after that push him more before any commitments.

OP posts:

GoPoldark · 02/05/2012 17:25

Ask for that phone number. If you get excuses, then you'll know.

Another one here saying he's probably lying, sadly.

NicNocJnr · 02/05/2012 17:43

If for no other reason at all I would step away because:

I wish that I wasn't keen on him. I think that I have been flattered by the attention after getting so little from my STBXH for so long. Low self esteem. Not sure I believe that there are lots of other men out there who would find me attractive.

Are you really that keen on him as a whole person warts and all? No because he has not allowed you to see that.

Of course there will be plenty of men that will find you attractive, intelligent and stimulating company! You were treated very badly and you are holding the burden of that on your shoulders when the personality flaw and fault lays at the feet of shitty exH. Many people fall out of love, change and find they need to spread their wings - decent people that had loved you would care enough for you to gracefully exit. It would cause hurt but not the feelings you're experiencing now. EXH acted in a way that was probably indicitive of him making you take a lot of 'blame' for things over the years and showed he was a narcissit - this is a result of his actions - you are not a lesser person and did not cause these actions.

If you are in a place that you can benefit from it then keeping dating light and using it as a tool to rediscover the pleasures of life, in convivial company and getting used to being your own woman again could be a real eye opener. Once you realise how much you have to offer you can accept the compliment from others - once you are secure in the knowledge of your own worth you can commit to another person as an equal half not as a co-dependant. Healthy people do not need a dependant partner so the people that are happy to accept that are the ones to be avoided. Be kind to yourself OP - What can others do for you? What can they offer? You are 'allowed' to look out for yourself and your needs you know?!

PooPooInMyToes · 02/05/2012 18:52

I don't agree with those saying he must be lying. Not everyone is a cheating liar.

Eurostar · 02/05/2012 20:41

Of course not everyone is a cheating liar but there are a lot of them about on internet dating sites so it is just sensible to know more about someone.

What is worrying here OP is that you don't think you have the right to know/ask these things without coming across as a bunny boiling nag when actually it is a really basic precaution with net dating and otherwise just human to know a bit about people. You sound very vulnerable at the moment. At best this man sounds emotionally unavailable.

Original poster

Poppysquad · 02/05/2012 20:44

Thanks. NicNc you are so right. He did blame me and I blamed myself for a long time. Finding out about the OW was the catalysts and I've turned the corner but still a bit raw.

He's just phoned somI asked him directly about knowing his home address. I explained why - ie my insecurity, and I think he understands. He told me that's is wife died a home and there are still a lot of her things around and the house has been their home for 20 years, so it does seem odd for him.

He really is lovely in a lot of ways and if he is genuine, then he is highly compassionate too. I'll see what happens now....

OP posts:

MissFaversham · 02/05/2012 20:49

Just ask to pick him up from his home OP the next time you see him. Like I said, you don't have to go in do you. My bet is he'll just disappear now

NicNocJnr · 02/05/2012 21:10

There is of course the necessity to ensure the potential nice guy's feelings, baggage and insecurities are taken into account and it may be that means a bit of delicate conversation.

idk, I do feel that you, possibly new man, are quite vulnerable emotionally, as you have said, feeling a bit raw and going through dealing with the fallout from your respective situations. Am I saying the very next guy you meet after EXH can't be the one? No...but it's more damaging to go too fast & let the uncomfortable aspects of relatively new singlehood cloud judgement and land you with a wrong 'un (wrong for you at the very least) than to back off and either come together later or find the next One - 7 billion is a fair few to choose from!

Take care and HAVE FUN Poppysquad!

Marshmallowflump · 03/05/2012 07:24

Take a break it is all so exhausting this emotional rangle and sounds like you have suffered enough, if he is worth his salt he will open up to you and come clean if he is is lying and married it will stay the same Nothing will change, do you want that?. Go back on the dating site and go out with a few more guys but keep it causal, and if HE phones tell him your busy always works , guys hate being ignored. I have been through break of marriage and internet dating and it is hard work, but have found a Mr Nice and steady guy, we trust each other , live seperately and it works for us. Please take care of you and hope it works out for you, good luck.

babyhammock · 03/05/2012 08:22

His explanation would make sense if you had his home phone number or he rang you from homebecause lets face it phoning for chats from home is much easier

You want to believe him because you're a nice person and you assume the same....but he doesn't add up x

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