Loud voices from the past - have I been here before?

[Poppysquad]

I am currently going through a divorce after a 25 year relationship and decided, just to add to my stress (!) to try internet dating.

I have met a chap, a widower a couple of years older than me and we have really got on well. We've met up about half a dozen times and have actually spent a weekend away together which was lovely.

My trouble is that I am plagued by things that happened with my STBXH, who, I now know lied to me through his teeth to cover up an affair.

The new chap has been telling me that he can't meet as frequently as he'd like to at the moment because he's supporting a close friend who has cancer, and as his wife died of cancer, he understands what she is going through. My STBXH nursed his dad through a long illness but now I think he also used the opportunity to spend time with the OW.

The new chap never calls me from his land line and is often out of the house when he does call me . I don't actually know his address is.

Is it just me? Is it just that I am highly suspicious due to being so badly let down or does it sound odd to you?

Thanks all again. I've just received another phone call from the car, still not from home. He's away for the weekend at his holiday home and not a good signal there!?!. Still so unsure!!

I am going to take your advice and try to cool it, give him space. It's hard after so little affection for so long.

He still sounds like a big fibber to me.

Why isn't he ringing you from the house?

Whether or not he's a fibber, can you really be bothered with all this rubbishy shite?

I think your gut is telling your something's not quite right.

Whether that's because he's playing you or whether it's because he's not ready to move on after losing his wife is another matter.

However, I would be very wary about going away with him before you've been to his house or met any of his friends. I also agree with garlic that 'private person' is very often code for a prickly, and over-secretive.

So do I take it that even after asking him directly for his home address you still don't have it???? You have been away for the weekend with a man whose whole existence could be a lie! You don't have this man's address or phone number. I am sure in 99 out of 100 cases there is nothing to worry about but why, after being directly asked about providing his address, has he basically refused to give it to you?

Look him up on 192.com. The whole site isn't free, parts are but it might be worth paying a little for peace of mind

If his wife has been dead for less than a year (assuming that is true) she might still show on the electoral role with him, as thexrevised electoral roll might not have been produced since her death

In this day and age it's not unusual not to have a landline. We don't.

Not knowing where he lives is a bit odd and secret squirrel like.

Re his home. He says that his wife died at home and there are still a lot of her things around that he hasn't cleared out yet, and the house was their home for 20 years. Guilt? I have reassured him that I don't just plan on dropping in on him.

He didn't want to talk about this today and prefers to wait until we can meet face to face. No plans for this as yet. Plan to leave this with him.....

Have found an address for him now, and his wife is listed too but it's the 2002 census. Not sure this helps.

I can totally understand that PS.

Now, you aren't taking the message in so I shall repeat it - you are a catch! You have lots of things to offer a new partner but you also have lots to offer and gain from some dating and living it up! We all need affection and hunger for touch is so much of a deep seated need we are hard wired from birth but going out, some hand holding/cuddles/ahem, whatever you are ready for... should meet that need while the main emotional rebuilding is happening.

You've given a significant chunk of your life to a monogamous relationship - now the goalposts have moved.

Allowing people to enjoy your company and having a giggle while spreading your own wings after the heartache and slog of re-adjusting may give you a greater affirmation of yourself than trying to go straight for a relationship that recreates that comfortable feeling we get when together for a long time (she writes from under the duvet, clad in jogging bottoms, an old t-shirt and fluffy doggy slippers) but it'll be worth it if you meet someone deserving of you and can enter the relationship in a good place. I reckon anyway. I'm not saying pretend you're queen of the world but please list and then repeat your positives - and be generous because you seem to be thinking of and referring to yourself in a negative way. From the limited interaction I've had with Poppysquad, I think you're great.

Sorry was referring to your penultimate post.

I don't think that helps too much but I'm not too big on trying to catch him out. I kind of feel it's playint to the behaviour forced onto you by the actions of another. I don't really like it.

I would keep it amicably cool - if too much pressure is applied then I would think thats a good enough sign to walk away. Otherwise you can trust your judgement but please do listen to that gut.