Devastated by break-up and feeling I can’ t go on (warning … long – and probably tedious)

[Mzdemeanour]

I have seven year old twins and have been on my own since kids were six-months old. Their father was deported back to his home country and has seen the kids for one afternoon since (of which more later) and maintains sporadic contact by phone.

In December 2010 I met a man, very much to my surprise, after six years? celibacy and a couple of soul-destroying years on dating websites.

We got on incredibly well, somehow being with him felt right and comfortable. After we?d been together a few months, he met the kids (as I don?t have breaks from them, it was introducing them or having to continue the him leaving incredibly early in the morning scenario and coming over after they were in bed). They all seemed to get on and my daughter is/was particularly fond of him.

He has been married (well, still is) but has not got kids of his own, though has step-children who he does not really see anymore.

All seemed to be going well ? we even weathered a five-week separation when he was sent to work in the States and a minor wobble when he got back. In December we went away together for the weekend to celebrate our year anniversary.

Last summer we went away to Greece with the kids ? and while they were a bloody nightmare at times, in general it all went well ? we even took the kids to Turkey to see their father ? something I would never have risked doing on my own. We even talked about our future together being more a matter of time and logistics than anything else.

But around Christmas, he started to get funny about coming over to my place. He said it was because it was always assumed this was where we would be but in reality it was easier for him to come here than for me and kids to go to his ? plus which he only has one bedroom and a single bed so had we gone there, not sure how the sleeping arrangements would have worked. Main result was we saw less of each other although still saw each other most weekends if not all.

When we saw each other, we still got on so well, never argued, had fun both on our own and with the kids. Only sometimes, he would get totally bothered by the children?s behaviour. Being twins, they are very close and somehow set each other off/lead each other on very easily ? and I, sometimes, rather than try to get them to stop misbehaving/acting disrespectfully, just let it go. My kids act well outside the home and I suppose I?d rather, that if they are going to get loud and lairy, they do it at home rather than out if that makes sense. Also sometimes, you just can?t sweat the small things and I feel some of their behaviour is/was because of my bf?s presence.

Anyway, to cut it short, he came round on Friday ? this after a long sorting out chat and everything seeming to be okay/normal texts/phone calls through the week and just said ?I?m not staying .. and to be honest, I?m not coming back either.?

Against my best intentions, did the whole undignified thing and wept and cried. He told me he loves me, likes the kids but can?t bear being round me AND the kids because of the way I let them get away with behaving badly/treating me with disrespect. Told he me on his way out that it was hurting him as much it was hurting me ? but left anyway ?

Now I feel absolute despair ? I know if it wasn?t for the kids, I would kill myself ? and even with the kids I don?t know how much longer I can go on feeling so bereft. I feel as if my future has been taken and there?s nothing left ? all colour gone and just greyness everywhere.

Am desperately trying not to phone/text ? and also trying not to clutch at straws that if he still loves me, maybe there is a tiny hope of reconciliation. Keep reading old texts/emails - know I shouldn't but can't help myself.

I just know I cannot go on feeling such pain. Don?t know what I really want to hear ? but anyone with a magic wand/crystal ball or time machine would really be appreciated.

oh, I am so sorry. I can see you feel terrible.

I think this man is using the kids as a way out.

I cannot imagine that the behaviour of a pair of 7 year olds who are good mostly and who you have known for more than a year (i am sure your parenting style has not changed that much in a year!!) would be a deal breaker with the woman you love.

I think there is someone else, it started around Christmas and he has been playing games since then whilst he decided what to do.

I might be wrong....but feel for you

(Hugs)

He has used a weak excuse to distance himself and end the relationship. I sincerely doubt that your children are the real reason he has decided to end things. Truthfully I suspect that he really does like you, and has felt himself becoming too attached for his liking. You say he is still married and has step children? So he has become attached to another woman's children before and then things haven't worked out. Could it be that he fears the same thing happening again?

It must have been very difficult for you having been single so long to love again and be treated this way. However you need to concentrate on yourself and your children. This man isn't worth it. Really he isn't. No man should make you feel so low.

Do you have any friends, anyone you could leave the kids with for a couple of days?

Thanks for both your replies - @foth - I really don't think he's met someone else - his ex (or nearly) was unfaithful to him and infidelity is something he feels really strongly about.

@themists ... I've thought that - he feels a lot of guilt/conflicted emotions about his step-children - has said that he feels he acted like a tyrant to them. Also I think he's been depressed lately - has withdrawn from friends/had trouble sleeping or been sleeping a lot etc.

And I know you're right about concentrating on myself and the kids - I just at the moment keep crying - and the kids keep asking if it's their fault and have told me to text him and tell him they promise they'll be good .... it's all just heart breaking. I don't want a future without him - can't even think of one without him without feeling like someone's twisting my heart. I am such a sad f*ck!

I actually think he may well mean what he says. He doesn't have kids on his own and it's hard for an outsider to watch bad behaviour from kids and to understand that a mother puts up with it. Why not try to teach then to respewct you? you'd benefit from this yourself, as they may het worse as they grow older. I'd hold on to the man - he sounds good and could be a good father figure sa he likes then generally - but I 'm guessing that he feels your parentin stykes would be too different and he won't be allowed to influence yours. Try and talk to him and see if he would giove it a chance while you are starting to teach the kids respect? it's a shame to lose a good r=ship, the way you feel sounds like you were goood together. As to why didn't he immediately left - maybe he thought you'd become different with kids, but it never gappened.

you aer not a sad f*! he may still be your future - it's great that kids aer promising to behave well. You see he doesn't feel he's got the right to tell them off if he feeels guilty about previous step children. You need to help him to find middle ground. Maybe he got depressed because of the forthcoming breakup, he has feelings for you.

@ likeatonneofbricks - I'd hold on to him if I could but he's left me so don't think I've got any say in the matter - and I think it makes a difference that he hasn't got his own kids. I do teach my kids to respect ... but also sometimes give them a break as don't want to shout/discipline/have a go all the time ...

sorry for typos - am in a rush!

Are the children aware that he has left citing their behaviour as the reason? Just the bit about them 'promising to be good' sounded very sad.

can't you email him or phone and ask to talk? he may need a few days to himself, but I doubt he'ss refuse. Well if eve nthe kids are saying 'we'll be good' they know there is room for improvement!

redruby - I'm sure they aer not aware it's been said, but surely it can also mean they know they aer misbehaving (OP admitted as much - 'they were a nightmare' on a holiday etc.)

*I doubt he'll refuse

The children are aware that he's not coming back and that, while they know their behaviour was part of the problem (he did get involved and would try to get them to show some respect to me as that was what really got to him), I've said it was the way I dealt with it, that was the real reason he left, not them if that makes sense. But I know they miss him/are attached to him.

And I suppose I'm scared of calling as firstly I don't want to come over as sad and desperate (even if I really am) and also because I suppose that maybe with time and space he may realise what' he's lost ...

I'm clutching at straws aren't I? And had forgotten how painful/devastating break-ups can be ...

OP I know your instinct is to defend your kids, righlty so, but if you want the man (another man could have a problem too, and this one stuck around!) you need to find a compromise, as simple as that, meet him halfway. If you aer not willing to change anything with the kids, or at least try, then you have to give up on your personal life. The kids seems willing, so why not try a fresh approach, some changes?? you have nothing to lose, but possibly a future with this man to gain.

*seem

You are better off without him.

I had a partner when my son was three, who had totally unreasonable expectations of his behaviour. My son was actually very good, he had never had a tantrum making up for it now he is a teenager but did act like a normal three year old, ie laughing, sometimes arguing, sometimes crying.

In the end it was like we were walking on eggshells around a sulking brooding partner, and afraid to have fun.

Wonder why he doesn't see his step children...?

Don't get me wrong, likeatonneofbricks, I'm happy to compromise - it's the possibility of getting back together I'm not sure about ... much as I would love to. I've said to him that he can take as big or little a role in my children's lives as he (and they) feel comfortable with. They say they like him but think he's a bit strict - and to be totally honest, I think maybe they need a bit of strict - and think it's the usual thing, they respect discipline more from a man than a woman sadly.

He isn't a father and he admits he behaved like a tyrant to his poor stepkids. Now your poor kids are blaming themselves for their mother's distress and his bullshit excuses. Your priority is your children - not him and definitely not rescuing a relationship with someone who sounds like a bully. And why is he still married?

So you gather your children to you and reassure them very firmly that nothing they have done has caused this and the end of the relationship is about you and him, not them.

I think the reasons he's giving are bullshit by the way and he wouldn't be the first person to have been cheated on, decried infidelity till the cows came home but then decided that....ooh wait, this doesn't apply to him because he's now met someone who's taken his fancy.....

But even if that's not the case and he's telling the truth, isn't that enough for you to realise this bloke is bad news for you and your children? Never stay with a man who wants to spend time with you but not your children, unless it's a very casual arrangement that the kids aren't exposed to.

But the main thing is you're going to have to be the grown up here and put your kids first.

maybe best not to call as you aer too emotional but e mail or text suggesting that you thought about it an dwant to discuss possible chanes.
It can be extremely frustrating for him that he asks kids to respect you more but you just tell then it's ok in the same time - can't you see that he hit the brick wall andit also shows that his opinion doesn't count inb front of the kids? if you wree to be a family he has to be given a role, not just be someone whose (useful actually) opinion doesn't count. I think you need to talk in a grown up way and show him you understand. He also does care that they respect you which is good.

I think the boy twins do need a father figure, and indeed OP they aer likely to be more disciplined with a man around, it's just the way it is. Rhino - OP's examply os not the same as yours, they aer not 'well behaved' by OP
s admission, not often anyway. The middle ground IS somewhere between bullying/iover strictness, and letting them rum riot. You need to find it with him. Also if boys thought he was a bully they wouldn't have wanted him back, WOULD THEY? they obviously like him, and he likes then by all accounts. Liking doesn't mean letting them disrespect their mother at times.

@ rhinosaurus - I take your point but honestly it wasn't like that - least not the eggshells bit - my kids don't know what eggshells are.

In answer to your question - difficult to say. He did try to see them (they still live with their mum in the marital home which is quite isolated and as they are under 18, it means him making a four-hour round trip to see them) - shortly after we first met, he took dsd to see JLS and this summer we were supposed to be taking DSD away camping with us but he decided at last moment not to come - my ex seemed to think his ex had put the blockers on that one. Think he was very conflicted about the fact his ex had moved her new bloke in and he (my ex) was still having to pay the mortgage despite not having lived there for two years.

As to why he is still married, probably because of the difficulties in selling/deciding what to do with the marital home - and the fact that he, nor I for that matter, want to remarry so no great impetus to get divorced.

@ likeatonneofbricks - firstly have b/g twins - and they are fairly well-behaved and certainly when outside the home. At home, they can get fairly wild and have been known to be disrespectful. Way I see it, they had me to themselves for six years and has been an adjustment to all when I started seeing someone.

Ex was worried as while some of their behaviour drove him mad (and me sometimes to be honest) he didn't want to repeat the behaviour he had shown to his stepkids but was unsure how to deal with it.

Your children are part of you and, if this man doesn't like the way your relationship works with them, then the man goes... no contest. He is entitled to his opinion, however hurtful it may be. Step-parenting is a difficult road at the best of times and if what he wants is a girlfriend rather than a family, theer's not a lot you can do about it. Even if your children were the worst behaved demons in the world, there is no reason why you should change or they should change purely because someone else wants it. If you think they could use a little more discipline, that's your call.

Defend them and let him go.

No-one needs a 'father figure' if that person is a bully. Father figures like that do far more damage than living with a lone parent who allows their personalities to develop freely and understands as only a parent can what is typical and normal behaviour in 7 year olds.

OP you said 'probably' regarding the reasons he's still married. That means you don't know and are speculating.

The worst thing you could do would be to go begging to him and worse still, promising better behaviour from your children. Those little people are being used as a weapon in an adult war. He has checked out of the relationship, is almost definitely lying to you about why and you must accept it and conclude that you can and will find a better man than him.

@ sternface - that's just it though - he recognises he acted like a bully with his stepkids which is why he does not want to repeat that modus operandi.

And the reason I don't know why he's still married is that I've never really bothered questioning him about it. Not my business to be honest. He had been separated more than 10 months when we met so why should it be any of my concern.

And don't get the 'almost definitely lying' about why he left though happy to hear any speculations.

And my kids do come first - only I'm the first to admit that a) I'm not a perfect mother and b) they aren't perfect children!

No-one's a perfect mother and there are no perfect children. A lot of so-called perfect children are in fact scared children. I think you might be minimising the effect of this on your kids though. There's a reason they are blaming themselves and it's not just that they've sensed his irritation when they are around. Their request to text him is not healthy and I think you need to do a lot more to reassure them that this is not their fault. If there is a part of you that is also blaming them a bit for this - well that's human, but I think that's transmitting to your kids.

I think he's involved with someone else, but would prefer to blame your parenting and your kids than take responsibility for that.