Devastated by break-up and feeling I can’ t go on (warning … long – and probably tedious)

[Mzdemeanour]

I have seven year old twins and have been on my own since kids were six-months old. Their father was deported back to his home country and has seen the kids for one afternoon since (of which more later) and maintains sporadic contact by phone.

In December 2010 I met a man, very much to my surprise, after six years? celibacy and a couple of soul-destroying years on dating websites.

We got on incredibly well, somehow being with him felt right and comfortable. After we?d been together a few months, he met the kids (as I don?t have breaks from them, it was introducing them or having to continue the him leaving incredibly early in the morning scenario and coming over after they were in bed). They all seemed to get on and my daughter is/was particularly fond of him.

He has been married (well, still is) but has not got kids of his own, though has step-children who he does not really see anymore.

All seemed to be going well ? we even weathered a five-week separation when he was sent to work in the States and a minor wobble when he got back. In December we went away together for the weekend to celebrate our year anniversary.

Last summer we went away to Greece with the kids ? and while they were a bloody nightmare at times, in general it all went well ? we even took the kids to Turkey to see their father ? something I would never have risked doing on my own. We even talked about our future together being more a matter of time and logistics than anything else.

But around Christmas, he started to get funny about coming over to my place. He said it was because it was always assumed this was where we would be but in reality it was easier for him to come here than for me and kids to go to his ? plus which he only has one bedroom and a single bed so had we gone there, not sure how the sleeping arrangements would have worked. Main result was we saw less of each other although still saw each other most weekends if not all.

When we saw each other, we still got on so well, never argued, had fun both on our own and with the kids. Only sometimes, he would get totally bothered by the children?s behaviour. Being twins, they are very close and somehow set each other off/lead each other on very easily ? and I, sometimes, rather than try to get them to stop misbehaving/acting disrespectfully, just let it go. My kids act well outside the home and I suppose I?d rather, that if they are going to get loud and lairy, they do it at home rather than out if that makes sense. Also sometimes, you just can?t sweat the small things and I feel some of their behaviour is/was because of my bf?s presence.

Anyway, to cut it short, he came round on Friday ? this after a long sorting out chat and everything seeming to be okay/normal texts/phone calls through the week and just said ?I?m not staying .. and to be honest, I?m not coming back either.?

Against my best intentions, did the whole undignified thing and wept and cried. He told me he loves me, likes the kids but can?t bear being round me AND the kids because of the way I let them get away with behaving badly/treating me with disrespect. Told he me on his way out that it was hurting him as much it was hurting me ? but left anyway ?

Now I feel absolute despair ? I know if it wasn?t for the kids, I would kill myself ? and even with the kids I don?t know how much longer I can go on feeling so bereft. I feel as if my future has been taken and there?s nothing left ? all colour gone and just greyness everywhere.

Am desperately trying not to phone/text ? and also trying not to clutch at straws that if he still loves me, maybe there is a tiny hope of reconciliation. Keep reading old texts/emails - know I shouldn't but can't help myself.

I just know I cannot go on feeling such pain. Don?t know what I really want to hear ? but anyone with a magic wand/crystal ball or time machine would really be appreciated.

Actually Mzdem It is entirely your business as to why he left his ex. Leaving a marriage is a major thing and not something you should just gloss over. It explains a lot about about a persons reasoning, behaviour etc. It's a major part of somebodies past. The fact that you felt it was not your place to ask questions about it says something about your sense of proper expectations in a relationship.

Secondly I say again that it really sounds incredibly unlikely that your children's behaviour is so awful that he ended the relationship because of them and I would stop feeding them that message. They really shouldn't feel it is anything at all to do with them.

Perhaps he is a bit of a control freak anyway and you've had a lucky escape. Take this opportunity to learn what you don't want in a relationship. You deserve someone who likes children, will loves yours and be open about their past.

@sternface - I know it's having an effect on the children. They are seeing me cry and generally finding it hard to cope - though am feeding them/cuddling them/getting them to school - they are the loves of my life.

They are both bright and know when they play up ... but I honestly don't believe they felt cowed when he was around - last time they were together with him they were making viking boats for a school project with my dd sitting on his shoulders ...

You may be right about seeing him someone else but - unless I get evidence to the contrary I don't believe it. Fear of commitment/future/a new family, maybe - but infidelity, no.

Now you know that they are blaming themselves though, you'd be better advised to try to keep a lid on your sadness while they are around, because that's going to make them feel worse. Cry and rage with a close friend or when they've gone to bed, but I think you're going to have to be more resilient while they are around and fake things a bit.

Children of that age are eager to please when an adult's around and I dare say they wanted to have a father figure like some of their friends. The sad thing is that at their age, kids don't have the adult skill of discernment about whether the bloke concerned is the right one, so I wouldn't read anything into their affection for him. They have likely formed an attachment to him though and have their own losses to cope with now he's turned his back on them.

All you can deal with is what you know to be true. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and ergo, he doesn't want to continue a relationship with your kids. Your best bet then is to accept that and let him go, not persuade him that things could be different or that he's got feelings that don't exist.

I agree with sternface It is never right for children to feel culpable for an adults decision to end a relationship. I think that rather than feeling upset over losing this man you should fell angry at him using your children as a possible scapegoat to end things. As it is it appears your children have taken on a sense of responsibility for this man walking away and their mummy being sad, and now the are hurt too.

If you need to talk to someone and no ones available try ringing the Samaritans. I have been where you are and found them very helpful. It allowed me to put on a front when the kids were around. At the time I felt almost suicidal too.

Treat yourself to something nice, go out for walks, force yourself to do things, develop new hobbies. I know how hard things are right now, but take this opportunity to learn more about yourself and what you really want and need in a man. When you have done that you'll be able to pick and choose, believe me, you'll learn to see time wasters a mile off. Promise.

I totally agree regarding not making my children feel culpable and have told them they are not responsible and that I am just very sad now but won't be forever.

And I do know what I want it a man - I'm 47 and aware of what I want/need and ex in all the ways that count was all that. Not perfect, certainly - but wonderful in nearly all the ways that really matter in someone you think you're going to spend if not your life, certainly a long time, with.

May have to accept the brutal reality of him not wanting me - and for whatever reason ... but doesn't make him a time-waster. I wouldn't waste my time and emotion - nor that of my kids - on someone who was, particularly for 16 months ....

accept he (currently) does not want the "package" of you and the children. It would be worse to spend even longer building your family and then to have it torn apart again.....

No mother is a perfect mother, no children are perfect children. Your posts sound like you are a sensible mother who compromises and whose children are basically well behaved. At 7 they will be testing their boundaries and you will continue to erect those boundaries in the appropriate place for you and for them.

I still think the children's behaviour (which sounds completely normal...don't know why bricks seems to think otherwise) is an excuse for him either shying away from responsibility, breaking up with you and/or sorting himself out.

still very sad for you but don't let the children think it was anything to do with them. It was HIS choice, that's all they need to know...that and that they will always come first for you.

and a hug and a packet of kleenex. The pain will get less.

See that's partly the problem - the fact that I keep thinking that maybe with time/space he will regret the decision/get his head together. I know that I will get to a better place/the pain will get less ... but I just feel we have/had something that's pretty rare to find at our combined ages ... and that it has to be worth fighting for ...

I don't know - just can't see out from under at the moment ... can't sleep, seem to have sprung a leak and the weather really doesn't help ... and the thought of never seeing him again, hearing his voice - and enjoying the sight of him with my kids makes me weep (again).

I think that's part of people's break-up script isn't it? It's comforting to think that the person who's left is just a bit confused, is depressed, needs more time to get his head around being in a relationship........and will one day come to his senses and realise it was true love after all.

Yet experience tells us that people know their own minds pretty well and if they want out of a relationship and are willing to run the risk of losing someone for good and hurting her children very badly, then the decision to leave was an informed one. The exception to that of course if his head has been turned by someone else and the feelings he's got for the new person have led him to believe that his feelings for you can't have been strong enough after all. I've known people leave for someone else and then find that the person they gave up was the real prize and that realisation came too late.

And it should be too late because what sometimes happens is that the unfaithful person comes back with a sob story about how they've now realised the person they've dumped was 'the one', they fail to mention they actually left for someone else and the original partner takes them back on a falsehood. Of course the whole business then repeats when someone else new comes on the scene.....

Which is why it doesn't matter very much why he wants out - although if you find out there's someone else it will short-cut the sadness and some anger will kick in - it's best to believe that he knows his own mind and will not change it. As a mother, I wouldn't want to risk the kids getting attached to him again anyway, in case he threw another wobbly. It's best for you and the kids if you consider this to be irretrievable now. You're all worth more than a vacillating man who's got no idea about parenting 7 year olds.

OP I don't see what have you got to lose by talking to him - if you think you can find a middle ground re discipline. He does not 'not want you as a package' as a poster said, he just wants an input especially as she cares that kids respect you. As yo urecognise that they can be disrespectful;, talk to him that you should both doscuss it before making such a final decision, He wouldn't know, unless you tell him, that you aer willing to compromise. I do get a sense that he was very good for you as a man, that's why I think it's worth a try (a grown up open talk). You can give him a few days if you feel like it but then do contact him. If he's not receptive then leave it be, but at least you know you gave him a fresh chance.

Like I said, clutching at straws I know - but, and a big but, I know of at least two relationships that are ongoing currently but that were to all intents and purposes over at some point ....

I suppose if it hadn't have been so good, it wouldn't feel so bad to be (faced with the prospect of being) without it. I never thought I'd find love again - far too old and cynical and been round the block too often but I did - and just feel if there's even one iota of a chance, I should take it (or make it come to that).

But also take point that most people do know their own minds ...

I just want the pain to stop, to turn the clock back or to turn it forward to a time when it just doesn't hurt anymore.

And I also want to hear him say he doesn't love me anymore / has found someone else if that is the case ...

I'm pathetic aren't I?

He doesn't want the OP to talk to him. He was quite clear on Friday that the relationship is over and he hasn't contacted her since. If he wanted to discuss this, he would have phoned or come round.

The OP has said that the kids behave well outside of the home, but like all normal 7 year olds reserve their worst behaviour for when they are in their own home. That's how it should be. The OP has also said that she thinks some of this 'bad' behaviour was because of this man's presence - it's in the OP.

The OP does have something to lose by trying to discuss it with a man who wants out and has made it clear.

Her dignity.

Last summer these children saw their father for the first time for one afternoon since he was deported when they were how old? That must have been lot for young children to have coped with.

You say they only sometimes he would get bothered by their behaviour.

Either they are a lot worse than they are coming across as they sound like typical children, his tyrant like actions towards his step children comes from him and how he perceives children should behave not the actual reality or it is an excuse.

But around Christmas, he started to get funny about coming over to my place. He said it was because it was always assumed this was where we would be but in reality it was easier for him to come here than for me and kids to go to his ? plus which he only has one bedroom and a single bed so had we gone there, not sure how the sleeping arrangements would have worked. Main result was we saw less of each other although still saw each other most weekends if not all. Nothing about the children's behaviour here more him not wanting to come over to yours.

I think he wanted out or was losing interest in the relationship since Christmas and this is the excuse he is giving you for his out.

@ sternface - lost that already - whole clinging and begging thing.

And please, while I said I think it may have been in some part due to his presence - was not really because - there is a difference. As I've said, they had six years of me to themselves and though they've never said anything, I'm sure in some ways they felt he was to some degree taking their mummy away from them in time if not in space.

And have you never made a mistake and been to proud to admit it later - I know I have. Not saying that is the case here, fairly certain it isn't however much I wish the opposite but maybe I have to really hear he wants out to start moving on.

*He isn't a father and he admits he behaved like a tyrant to his poor stepkids. Now your poor kids are blaming themselves for their mother's distress and his bullshit excuses. Your priority is your children - not him and definitely not rescuing a relationship with someone who sounds like a bully. And why is he still married?

So you gather your children to you and reassure them very firmly that nothing they have done has caused this and the end of the relationship is about you and him, not them*

^ this from Sternface is all you need to be concentrating on right now, spot on.

(In his defence, it is not easy to cope with other people's kids - because, quite simply, you do not love them. All kids drive their parents mad - sometimes it's bloody tough and you feel like killing them! But the difference is as a parent you love and adore them unconditionally even when their behaviour is awful. If you don't love them then your tolerance levels are far lower. I'm not for a second saying your kids are badly behaved - they sound like perfectly normal 7 year olds. I have a 7 year old - I know! I'm also not saying many, many step parents/partners don't love their dsc, but this man didn't)

why isn't bold working?

Ok agree with all sternface's subsequent posts (X posted horribly)

Just seen your post OP.

You're not pathetic for wanting to know the truth, but I suspect this bloke is too much of a moral coward to give it to you. He doesn't want you to think he's the bad guy, so he'd rather you and your children took the blame for this.

The truth is he doesn't love you. I know that's painful but it's much kinder to yourself in the long run if you face up to that. You know what love is yourself and you know wild horses wouldn't cause you to leave someone you really loved, especially in these circumstances.

Re. my earlier post, I think if he is seeing someone else then at some point he will be back, when the shine's gone off that relationship. But you'd be mad to take him back without finding out the truth. But if as you're convinced it's not possible he's cheating, if he's going to come back then you have to let him make that move himself. Otherwise you run the risk of demeaning yourself and your kids by promising the earth in order to get him back and he'll always hold the power in your relationship.

Bloody hell - lots to think about! And am still sitting on my thumbs though cannot promise will not contact him at some point.

Not sure what to think - am certain he loved me though willing to accept that may no longer be the case else as you say, he couldn't leave me in the first place ... and also agree that he doesn't love my kids - but then why would he? They are not his but he has always treated them with kindness and consideration - he may have shouted at them occasionally but then, so do I and far more often.

And re promising the earth to get him back - tbh not sure I can promise anything - what am I supposed to say - the kids will never ever misbehave again - both he, I and the kids would know that ain't going to work! All this makes him seem like a complete controlling bully and he really isn't ...

and one thing I'm puzzled about - why the query about him still being married? Do others see this as a problem? Only I know a few people, usually where there's not kids involved and who have no intention of remarrying who just haven't bothered with getting divorced. Have to say for me his marital status was not a problem - I know he's not been living with exw since new year 2010 and that she moved new bloke (who she'd been having affair with) days after he left ...

Why would he love your kids? Because they are loveable and deserve love, that's why. He can't help it if he doesn't, but as a mother I wouldn't want a father figure in their lives if that person didn't love my kids.

You're right you can't promise for you or your children to become his ideal. But a man who loved you and them wouldn't expect you to. I don't really think this man expects that of you, to be fair - and in any case, I think all of this stuff about your parenting and the kids' behaviour is a smokescreen. But the reason I wanted to deter you from contacting him and trying to talk about this is because you might be tempted to make offers of change that it would be impossible (and completely unwise) to deliver.

The reason posters have asked about why he is still married is because divorce like marriage is a legal contract. Most people who have separated permanently want to divorce because staying married leads to all sorts of legal complications e.g inheritance, next-of-kin rights, not to mention division of marital assets and finances. If he died tomorrow, unless he's made alternative legal provision (and if he's done that, a divorce would have been just as simple) then his wife would inherit his assets. Most people don't want that if their separation is final. But when it became clear that you didn't know why he was still married and were merely speculating about why that was the case, it raised a concern about how open he has been with you about him not wanting to close the final door on his marriage.

Come to think of it, I wonder whether his ex-wife's relationship has now ended?

Right - no, and he's well aware of all the risks as you've outlined - but is a bit of a procrastinator to be honest. Also, they can't really divorce until the house is sorted and she is not earning enough to pay the mortgage alone so he has been paying it for most of the past few months. He is happy for the place to be sold at a loss but knows that that would effectively make his stepchildren homeless and can't face doing that. He would be equally happy to just hand the keys back to the mortgage company but would obviously make it difficult for either of them to ever get another mortgage.

And no, his ex-wife's relationship is still ongoing. That I do know.

My comment about why should he love the kids was more that we have been together 16 months and not lived together - not that my kids are unloveable. He is (was?) very fond of them/happy to spend time with them as I have said.

Been there, done it and got the T-shirt.
I, to, have twins and I to have been on my own with them almost all of their lives. I have had a VERY similar experience. You are hurting like hell my love but trust me.... it is for the best. It REALLY is. If it didnt happen now it is almost inevitable it would happen at some point given his reasons for bailing out. This to shall pass and you WILL get over it. I guess it feels quite brutal because everything seemed reasonably ok to you but he has probably been planning this for a while. Some blokes (and women) find it very very hard to fit in with a family and your kids are still very young so Im thinking he has seen the warts and all family hoo ha that makes up notmal day to day life.
Stay strong..... you will meet someone who CAN cope with this senario.

Should add that no, compromise is not really an option when you have young kids. They should come first ALWAYS. If a bloke cant understand/accept that then he needs to be shown the door no matter how hard that it. Just my opinion mind you.

@MilitaryWag - glad to come across a fellow single mum of twins ...
In a way I am glad this happened now and not, as we had talked about/planned, been living together which was something we had talked about doing when the kids start secondary school.

I get that it can be very hard for people to fit in with/take on ready-made families - particularly for the second time. When we first got together, I pushed him quite hard about whether he was sure he wanted to get involved again with someone who had kids especially as he is pretty sure he doesn't want any of his own.

If it had only been reasonably okay, it wouldn't hurt so much - but in some ways (and against all my cynical leanings) I thought I'd found my soul mate - even though previously I would have denied such a thing existed.

But you are right, compromise isn't an option - mainly because how do you compromise children. They do come first and if I had thought for a minute he wasn't good for them - or that they didn't like him, it wouldn't have lasted 16 weeks let alone months.

Like I said, I just wish I could turn the clock back to before meeting him to avoid the pain of now - or forward so that I am over it. Just can't take the pain of now.