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Original poster

I keep seeing my ex behind DP's back

26 replies

FluffyCornedBeef · 01/05/2012 07:53

Firstly there is nothing going on between my ex and myself but I do enjjoy his company. Needless to say DP would never understand so I haven't told him about the time we went for coffee, the time we went to nandos or the the time we went to the cinema. I do feel guilty but I don't know what to do.
DP has asperger traits but has never been diagnosed. He seems to think that "because it could be aspergers" that's it, he can ignore people and do all the ignorent and socially awkward things he's always done because he has an excuse but he has not been diagnosed. Therefore when he ignores me as I'm speaking or rushes past me to get through the door first or sits there stone faced when I try and have a little joke I can't help but think "IS it aspergers or are you just being an arsehole??". I don't have this with my ex. He complinements what I'm wearing (and not just comments that he can see my boobs like DP does), we laugh, he laughs at my daft jokes, I laugh at his. He doesn't barge past me to get through doors first, he doesn't sit there counting out to the penny how much I owe him for the meal it it's 100% fair. He listens to me when I'm talking which is my major bug bear with DP.
But DP can be really sweet and he'll do anything for me if I directly ask him to but he's SO socially awkward I hate going out anywhere with him. That's not right is it?
And it the meantime, ex and I are out having a good time and DP is sat at home obsessing over his car insurance/car/car insurance/car/car insurance ...... thinking I'm out with "sadie". Sad

The hardest part is, how do I KNOW it's aspergers and that he's just not an ignorant twat?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/05/2012 08:05

It doesn't matter if his behaviour is 'natural', as a result of a condition or contrived. If it's annoying you, it's annoying you. Why should you waste your life being with someone that you don't like much? Just so you can say you've got a boyfriend? The fact that you can't own up to your friendship with another man not only means you're worried about your partner's reaction but you're feeling guilty for enjoying someone else's company. That's not particularly healthy. Why not have your ex as a friend, cut loose the antisocial misfit and give life a try as a single girl? It has a lot going for it.

PooPooInMyToes · 01/05/2012 08:09

I suppose you could make it very clear that you want him to get assessed. Tell him how much it means to you.

Would it change how you feel though? I've never dated anyone with aspergers but i would imagine never being able to go out places with them a real pain in the arse. And him never listening!

I had an ex who was a bit socially awkward and would take ages and ages to tell pointless unfunny stories and really bore people. I always felt uncomfortable and it was relief to date other people after that. I look back and don't regret finishing it.

Is it worth being with him i suppose. Its clear that you are not getting what you need from the relationship.

Oogaballoo · 01/05/2012 08:09

Well, you can't know and neither can he for sure unless he gets a diagnosis. The thing here is that you sound like you aren't very happy with your partner. You include a lot of things that upset and bother you and you sound very tired by them all and by your partner in general. Whatever the reason or cause behind your partner's behaviour, he is who he is. He is this person and he probably isn't going to change. And if you're meeting up with an ex to get a dose of the kind of person you want to then it doesn't bode well for your relationship.

Sometimes relationships just don't work out for one of the people in them. That's okay. You're allowed to want to joke and laugh and be listened to, you don't have to sacrifice all of them just to stay with someone who seems to make you very sad at points. And I don't doubt that he can be sweet and that he has good points, but that isn't enough sometimes.

Original poster
FluffyCornedBeef · 01/05/2012 08:10

I want to tell DP that I occasionally see my ex but he'll kick off, I know he will. He's so jealous and says stuff like "its not you I don't trust, its him". There is honestly nothing in it, if there was, I would admit it on here but it's strictly friends. DP would never understand though. I can't imagine ever telling him who I'm really going to the cinema with.
It's not that I want a boyfriend, I'm not bothered about that. I suppose I feel guilty breaking up with him when it might not be his fault but at the same time, I'm not happy. He stresses me out. Yet when it's just me and him, we get on great. But we can't live our lives in seclusion just so that he doesn't have to be exposed to the rest of the world, can we? It sounds awful but I find him really embarrassing in public. He's so innapropriate.

OP posts:
Original poster
FluffyCornedBeef · 01/05/2012 08:33

Sorry crossed post. He only has one friend, a guy who is similar to him. 40 years old, still living with his parents, minimum wage job, no hobbies, never been anywhere - and they occasionally go out drinking together but I have to practically force DP to go because he hates going out without me. I feel so suffocated, like I'm responsible for him. A picture appeared on facebook from one of his nights out, it wasn't actually a picture OF him but he was visible in the background. He was stood at the bar, looking very awkward, gawping at a woman with the most ridiculous face. Comments under the pic completely ignore the subjects of the picture and focus on DP -

"PMSL look at Jacko in the background doing his paedo face" Hmm
"jacko you look like a special needs patient in this pic mate lol"
"haha look at jacko's face!"

I can't even describe the face but I know full well if my friends saw it and didn't realise he was with me, they'd laugh about him.

He stands out a mile, this is what I mean, the picture wasn't even of him yet everyones eyes were drawn to him. Thats what it's like when we go out.

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 01/05/2012 08:38

It sounds like you don't really want to be with him.

RabidAnchovy · 01/05/2012 08:42

I think you need to walk away from your DP and try again with your Ex

Original poster
FluffyCornedBeef · 01/05/2012 08:47

My ex has his problems too, I'm really not interested in the ex in that way. But I do like having him as a friend. I suppose what scares me is that I can't see me and DP ever being "just friends" because how will that work when the whole problem is being out with him? I think if I end it, that will be the last time I see him.

Unintentional drip feeding now but another issue is the sex. He struggles to get/maintain an erection which results in lots of frustrating (and cringeworthy due to him half heartedly playing with me whilst trying to get himself up) foreplay and no sex. Yet every weekend the sexual innuendos start "can't wait to get you up those stairs" / "can't wait to get my hands on your naked body" / etc etc etc. Constant references to sex.

OP posts:
DonInKillerHeels · 01/05/2012 08:52

Why are you with DP? It sounds like you despise him, and he doesn't make any effort to make you happy.

You know it's over, so do the decent thing.

plantsitter · 01/05/2012 08:56

This has nothing to do with your ex and everything to do with you not liking your boyfriend very much. Why would you go out with someone you don't like very much? Stop slagging him off and decide whether you're going to dump him or work it out.

ScooseLooseAbootThisHoose · 01/05/2012 09:02

I second the why are you with him comments it doesn't sound like you like your dp very much at all

sternface · 01/05/2012 09:03

Why in the name of thunder are you persevering with this relationship?

It makes no sense, unless you're the sort who has to have a man.

The sex is crap, you're embarrassed by him, his manners are awful, he's possessive and jealous, doesn't listen to you and he's got no sense of humour.

It sounds like you're also using this other bloke, who's probably still got the hots for you and hopes you'll get back together one day, but you keep him hanging on to boost your ego. And because you're getting your ego needs met by him, it's propping up what sounds like an absurd main relationship and gives life to something that should have been dispensed with long ago.

Ever tried being on your own with no man at all?

PurplePidjin · 01/05/2012 09:06

That's not a relationship, that's pity. Stop patronizing dp and wasting your own life.

Hyperballad · 01/05/2012 09:13

Yep sorry but I think you know what you need to do and your ex is only highlighting the problems further.

It won't be easy, you will feel heartbroken for a while, but in the long run you will find happiness again either by enjoying single life or by meeting someone that is more suited to you.

Rollersara · 01/05/2012 09:15

What pidjin said, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for either of you.

HugeFurryWishingStool · 01/05/2012 09:17

I remember your last thread about him, and the one before that... Why oh why oh why are you still with him? Genuine question.

squeakytoy · 01/05/2012 09:50

Why are you with this man. You feel embarassed by being with him, and you get no fun out of the relationship. End it before it gets any worse because there really is no point in continuing it.

Beckamaw · 01/05/2012 10:25

You mention not wanting to dump him because it's not 'his fault' he's like this.
It doesn't really matter, does it?
I have dumped several people for things that were not their fault. Not fancying them, not liking them much - all perfectly valid.
You both deserve to be with someone more suitable. This relationship is not working. Let him go.

FridayOLeary · 01/05/2012 11:23

Even I remember your last thread about him. What on earth are you getting out of this? Why would you continue a relationship with someone you don't like?

Teeb · 01/05/2012 13:00

Why are you doing this to him and yourself? It just sounds very cruel.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 01/05/2012 13:16

Just end it.

something2say · 01/05/2012 13:19

I think its time to break up with him. That may go some way to letting him know that he is not getting it quite right and he may do something to help himself. Don't keep him sick by not being honest.

I used to go out with a lovely caring man, but socially he was very awkward as well. He would be grumpy and petulant to strangers, waitors and so on. He behaved like a tantruming child at times. I remember he went out for dinner with old school friends of his. He had meanwhile earnt a bit of money doing one good deal as a salesman and had bought some nice clothes, mostly cos I helped him there, his actual clothes weren't good at all. Anyway, he comeas back from the meal and undresses for bed, taking items off one at a time, going 'Hundred pound shoes, eight pound jumper' and so on, as if to say how well he had done compared to his friends. I couldn't bear him at that minute. I remember another time his friend was struggling through an issue, talking to us at the table, and instead of listening, my guy starts on about how important it is to talk to friends, how friends should be there for people and so on, and the conversation just died then and there. At a party once I had to go and rescue him as the man he was chatting to had such a disbelieving look on his face.

I would leave him and be honest about the relief you feel. XX

QuintessentialShadows · 01/05/2012 13:20

Have you posted about him before?

I feel almost sorry for him.

But you need to move on. You clearly dont love him, like him, or respect him, so there is no basis for a relationship here.

Mumsyblouse · 01/05/2012 13:22

End it for his sake, as well as your own. Imagine someone really doesn't like you, but just stays with you as they think there's something wrong with you. Wouldn't that be awful? That's what you are doing to your partner. Please move on, for both your sakes.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/05/2012 10:43

He's so jealous and says stuff like "its not you I don't trust, its him"

urgh I hate that! I've had men say it to me, jealous and possessive men. It implies that you are incapable of saying no or of controlling yourself.

When you described the things people said about the picture of him I feel really sorry for him. It's sad. But . . . it's not your responsibility. There will (hopefully) be someone else out there for him.