to request some hand-holding?

[handholdingneeded]

Don't really know where to post this. It will be long and really more for my own benefit, just need to write all of this down.
I am falling apart, don't know how to pull myself together. A friend came round this afternoon and I really wanted to talk to her about some of it but chickened out.

Ds was born almost 14 months ago, I developed ptsd from birth trauma and tomorrow will finish cbt which has helped enourmously with the trauma; but my relationship is in tatters and I don't know what to do. I am difficult to live with, have very little patience and express all my anger at DH. We don't understand each other, litterally, even though we've been together 11 years. I know he misses sex, of which there has been virtually nothing in the past 14 months due to me, and in the 9 months before due to him feeling uneasy because of the pregnancy. We've never been perfect in that department, he always wants more than I do. More on this later.
It's been hard lately because appart from our problems, he has a long term medical condition and his medicine stopped working, so he is constantly exhausted and in pain, and he is doing the childcare while I work part time, plus ds is going through some developmental leap which is making him very demanding/active/needy, which makes looking after him very difficult, and we have no help, there are no relatives near us who could give us a break, and I am really missing that and feel utterly alone. I know others have it harder, and I try not to be an ungrateful person.

A big part of my ptsd has been self-loathing, I have hated my body and only now feel I might be coming out on the other side. I used to have what I considered a healthy sexual attitude. This past few days I have felt more ready to try rekindling our sexual relationship, and suggested that we make a date on a specific day of the week and 'force' ourselves to have intimacy and hopefully sex then (with the hope that my 'sex muscle' just needs excercising), but since suggesting that I have gone back to feeling anxious, and today after ds went to bed I thought I should try perhaps reading something erotic to see how I felt, and I just felt sick. How can I ever do it if I can't even read about it?

I really don't know what to do, have changed my name in here to post as honestly as possible. I have talked about this with my cbt therapist but she has said that sexual things are not her area, and she seems possitively uncomfortable when we have talked about it.

I can't believe I have messed everything up in this way, we wanted a baby so much, and I am only a step short of actually regretting having one, which is absolutely awful.

Sorry this is so long.

I have no advice but will happily hold your hand til someone useful turns up.

likewise, sorry I have no specific advice but didn't want to read and run. hand holding commenced! Someone useful will be along soon x

Thank you, hand holding is what I asked for, so you guys are amazing right now

Maybe setting a date is too much pressure. Maybe just set a date to go out together, no sex, no pressure just be together.

hand-holding...you don't sound like your ready to have sex yet, and that's perfectly ok. what about other types of pleasure, not necessarily penetrative, or try masturbating first before you try to have sex again? oral/mutual masturbation might be better first, especially if you're afraid of getting pregnant again ... i don't know if this helps

look at the high needs baby threads on here for support for your child. also, some prosac helped me enormously...

hope things improve for you

I really feel for you, long periods without sex have been a problem with me and DP and it can be extremely upsetting as you cannot see a way to get that intimacy back. I am sure your husband just wants you to be happy. Try not too put yourself under too much pressure and things will get there if you talk as much as you can to your husband.

Not much advice, although hand holding an unMN hugs heading your way (((())))
Don't pressure yourself into it...you will want it even less!!
Try date nights and reconnect on an emotional level etc before even thinking about being intimate.
And be kind to yourself - you need to reconnect with YOURSELF before anything else!
Much love x

Agree with Finn - think date nights first, not sex nights. Have you googled the traumatic birth association? I was in what sounds like a very similar situation, but came through it, with a lot of patience and support - not least from myself.

what finnbarr and WilsonFrickett said - ignore my advice, is useless - i really meant to find yourself again, and to understand new self as a mum

it's hard, i sympathise

Didn't want to read and run- supposed to be getting an early night, ha ha!

I'll hold your hand! I also suffered PTSD after my daughter was born so I know a little of how you feel. I'm glad that CBT has helped you but I find it a little odd that the therapist seemed uncomfortable when you brought up the intimacy side of things as I would've though that they would try to treat you as a whole & look at all the things troubling you. That's just my take on things though- I ain't no therapist!

You end your post by saying how you feel you've 'messed everything up'. YOU haven't, you've just been having a bit of a shitty time & circumstances have made things difficult. I think many women feel differently about sex after the birth of a baby, ranging from indifference, thinking it'd be nice but I'd really rather sleep right now (ahem- me and DH) to feeling panicked by the thought of it.

Do you think maybe that because you still feel vulnerable from what happened when you were having your DS that there's a fear that being intimate will make you more vulnerable? Also, childbirth changes bodies regardless of how you deliver (I had an emergency c-sec and things do feel different in my lady garden area even though DD emerged through the sunroof) I've often felt in the past few months that it's like going through puberty again. Suddenly this body that you knew and your partner knew has changed and is now all different and sometimes a bit of an embarrassment (ie milk leaking from boobs, stretch marks, a fanjo that feels different . . .) I think that it's sometimes a good idea to plan to have sex otherwise it's too easy to just get to bed and pass out. But if your DH is feeling poorly and you are not feeling ready then leave it a bit longer. I think you can be emotionally intimate with someone and then take things slowly on the physical front.

WRT feelings of you and DH not understanding each other, this seems to be so common after having a baby. No matter how longed for a child is & no matter how much you love them, making the adjustment is hard. There are 3 people in the relationship now and that takes a while to get used to. Have you managed to sit down and talk about all of this with each other?

Have you thought about looking into activities/support/ crèche facilities at your local Surestart or Homestart? This could give you and DH a break so you could have some time together. It must be very hard not having family near & isolating too.

Finally maybe pluck up the courage to talk to your friend. She may be able to look after your DS to give you a bit of a break and she'll hopefully offer you some RL hand-holding.

Please know that you're not alone- having a baby, no matter how much they are adored, is a massive thing and it can take a while to find a new normal.

Big unmumsnetty hugs for you.

Oh gawd. I do go on a bit, don't I? shuffles off to bed

Sorry I didn't have time to post earlier today, thank you all for your posts, they have been very very helpful.

Sorry to keep you up sageyouroracle. Everything that you say does make a huge amount of sense, thank you for being so thorough.

lisad123 of course you are spot on, as everyone else saying that I am obviously not ready, but bloody hell, it's been 14 months almost! I posted worries about this when ds was 12 weeks, and people said to give myself time, well, I have!!

Mummsy what kind of help are you talking about from the high needs threads?

It's hard to even reconnect with myself, I am not the person I was, for starters...

WilsonF do you mind telling me a bit about how you got through things?

Well, I had my last cbt this morning, and after an argument last night I spent the night thinking about what is going on, I used to be able to talk to dh and now I feel that I can't, he's become the enemy, which is not helping, so I identified the source of the problem and talked about it this morning with him, we've agreed that that is probably right and will try and change the way we've become with eachother (for example not talking), change our behaiviour basically. I ran through it with the therapist and she agreed, so we shall be spending some more time together to start with, maybe not quite date night yet, but at least try and do things together (believe it or not, we've been together to the park with ds twice in 14 months!).

Anyway, thanks for the amazing hand-holding.

I'm sorry you've been through so much.

I definitely wouldn't put pressure on yourself by deciding in advance that you'll have sex. Instead, could you agree a night when you'll be intimate together but with NO SEX, ie lots of kisses and cuddles etc. I admit I'm nicking this idea from sex therapy. If you do this a few times you may soon feel like progressing further. Or you may not. Stress / PTSD etc aren't exactly aphrodisiacs.

Thanks medievalgirl, I think that is the way forward.

OK.

I had to be really, toe-curlingly honest with DH in a way that didn't descend into a row. I had to be very honest about how I felt about myself and my body. I had to sort my contraception to something I felt 110% confident about (do not underestimate this, if you had a traumatic birth then likely the last thing you want is a pg and it was a real deal breaker for me, still is tbh).

Me and DH started having one night off a fortnight when my DM could take DS, these were initally just fun, boozy nights out with a meal and a chat. It was often a real effort to go, but because DM had the baby we sort of had to go out. Eventually this led to intimacy - we still call DS night's away 'sex opportunities'

Eventually things started to click into place, although very slowly. Sleep was a big issue too (thankfully for both of us, DH isn't particularly up for things if he's sleep deprived).

Finally, and this may not work for you - I read somewhere that women with small children don't have such a strong desire for sex because their hormones / need for physical contact are satiated somewhat because of the amount of physical contact they have with their children. I recognised myself in this (still do) and it sort of pushed me forward to change some of my own behaviours and try a bit harder. That's not very well put, I don't mean I forced myself but I did try and put myself out there a bit more, working on the premise that the more you have it, the more you want it.

I HTH. There's no magic bullet for sure.

Are you still breast feeding? Because I don't know if this is a fact, but i found I had zero sex drive until I stopped.
If not, then all I can say is, you sound depressed still, and your husbands illness must be worrying and increasing your guilt as well.
It's just a shitty situation, but the more you worry about it, the worse you will feel.
You havn't done anything wrong. Things will get better.
My advice is to make sure you treat your husband like an ally, and try really hard to stop taking it out on him. You need him on your side, and to feel close to him.
Be honest with him, ask him to be patient, and thank him for being supportive at this difficult time. Reassure him that you love him, and that things will get better.
Also, try and get some exercise, as this will help your endorphins and may help your sex drive.
Maybe try boxing or martial arts to increase your feeling of being in control, and release some of that anxiety?
Good luck OP.

Also, if your cbt therapist is uncomfortable talking about sex, then maybe try and see an actual sex therapist.

Thanks for being so open wilsonF and glad things worked for you. You are right about the contraception, it is a mayor turn off right now. I don't know how we'd do on a date out together, it kind of scares me tbh! I fear we'd just talk about ds and find we have nothing in common appart from him (which I know is not true, i am just beign paranoid). Actually DH also read the same thing about women and small babies and intimacy, etc. I know it is def true with us, as I cosleep and have more than enough of breast-touching!

nowthenwreck yes I am still bf, and you are right about everything else. Actually I cycle to work every day, but the idea of doing something that involves some violence is greatly appealing!!

I know lunaticfringe it sounds incredible! he does the childcare when I am at work and when I'm at home we kind of share it (with me doing the majority though). But it has not been helped by his meds not working, which make him exhausted and in pain, and he does some work but mainly from home, and when I was on ML I kind of had to get out of the house very often for my sanity, and he kind of left me to it iyswim. It has not been a good year for both of us

Oh and before we were very good, appart from the different libidos, but we went to the pub once a week together, and had an active social life... gosh, seems like it was another person, not me! this is definetly not how I imagined things to become...

You know what else might be good? A night out on the lash with your mates. Nothing better than that to help you lighten up and relax you!
And things haven't "become" anything. This too shall pass, I promise.

Yes nowthenwreck, you are right, just a phase. Going out this Friday for the first time since ds with friends, hope it works as you say

Hi all,

We have moved this thread to relationships now.

Best of luck OP