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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I haven't seem my M for 4 years and she just turned up on my doorstep!

43 replies

alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:32

I don't have any relationship with my parents and siblings. Up until now I haven't wanted to. I had a shit childhood, teen years and my parents made my life hell for a long time. and My parents are both liars especially my M, she doesn't seem to know what is true. Confused

I did however feel a bit sorry for her today sucker. My DH is behind whatever I decide but would rather I didn't have any contact with them as they have made my life hell, blamed him for the fall out (totally not his fault) and he is worried they will try and turn me and my dcs against him. Sad

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 30/04/2012 19:33

Well what did she say? Want?

Original poster
alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:33

What should I do? Honest opinions/advice please.

OP posts:
TheHappyHissy · 30/04/2012 19:35

OK, so how did you feel. REALLY FEEL when you saw her. How did you feel when she had left.

What do YOU really want to happen.

If YOU don't want to see them again, that IS your right. You can even enforce that in the courts, if need be.

I rather think that the fact that she just turned up out of the blue is highly manipulative and intrusive. She ought to have written to you first.

Original poster
alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:35

I think she wants to see me and GCs. She sais loads, where to start?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 30/04/2012 19:35

People change as they grow older. Some realise their errors and want to try to make amends and rebuild a relationship. Is this maybe the case here?

You will have changed too. You are an adult now who will be able to rationalise and discuss things with your Mother if she is also willing to try.. if she turned up on your doorstep then perhaps this is her trying to build a bridge.

Why should your husband have any worries that they will try and turn you and your children against him?

TheArmadillo · 30/04/2012 19:36

Think long and hard about why you decided not to have a relationship with them. Think about your life without them compared to your life with them. If you have an old diary or anything similar written when they were in your life then read it as we can often play down stuff years later and forget how bad it was.

Don't make a decision quickly - there is no hurry. Take your time to decide what is best. And you can change your mind later if you do find it was the wrong one.

Original poster
alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:37

Ifelt annoyed that she had just turned up (after hiring someone to find us), I just wanted her to go away, also felt sorry for her, she looked old/sad.Sad

OP posts:
TheHappyHissy · 30/04/2012 19:39

You need to listen to what your instinct is telling you.

Original poster
alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:39

My Dh is worried squeaky because she blames him, totally without reason and she tells lots of lies, will be nice to your face then slag you off. Sad

OP posts:
puds11 · 30/04/2012 19:42

My mum is also a perpetual liar. It makes for a very strained relationship. Shes in denial about it though.

Original poster
alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:42

Ok, she said that my eldest will remember her and coming for her felt like a veiled threat, she told me stuff about the family ie whos ahd babies etc, she told me my F is a liar and she is scared of him (always had an abusive relationship), she asked me if I was really never going to speak to her again?,that my F is dying and worries about me (she has spun this out before, was a lie), she said that my S misses me well where is she then? I'll think of the rest...

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 30/04/2012 19:43

I think the fact that she turned up at your doorstep 'looking sad' after hiring someone to find you, speaks volumes. No one with any respect for the person they had lost contact with - for whatever reason - would do that.

IF you want to see your parents, it should be because you WANT to and not out of any sense of guilt/obligation. I would also make sure you set some very strict boundaries, ie no turning up at your house, meet in a neutral place and don't tell her much about yourself until a good amount of time has passed and you feel safe to do so.

Original poster
alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:44

When I reminded her of lies she told, she denied it, even though I have pages of vile she sent to me.

OP posts:
Popoozle · 30/04/2012 19:45

Did she tell you why she has chosen this particular time to track you down? Has something happened to make her realise what a rubbish mother she was to you?

Follow your heart and your instincts. If the inner you is screaming "noooooo - sod off!", then it is perfectly acceptable not to let her back into your lives. Do you want her in your (and your DCs) life?

TheProvincialLady · 30/04/2012 19:45

OK have just read your last post. Run, don't walk from the toxic mother. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose. She can't even make her opening gambit pleasant or truthful - where on earth can this get you?

Original poster
alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:46

I wonder if its just my hormones am pregnant because if someone had asked me what I would do if this happened I would have said, tell her to go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:47

Oh she thinks I had a rosy childhood and she was fabulous mother.Hmm

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 30/04/2012 19:48

I'd wonder what she wanted, actually.

Why did she track you down? Is she in need of money? Have others stopped talking to her? Did you feel a wave of affection towards you coming from you?

Did she blame you for not being in touch? Did she try to make you feel bad?

Now - why did you stop contact? It's a drastic thing to do, to move without telling her. Think back to how you felt about her when you did that.

Now think about your life now. Do you remember the sense of relief when you stopped seeing her? Do you remember how lovely it was knowing she couldn't call in?

Stop thinking about the mum you want - I'm so sorry but you can't have that. You are the mum you wanted to your own children. Think about the mum you've got - the one who made you feel so bad that you moved away without telling her where you were going.

Original poster
alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:49

pop I think it is because my S is due to have her first baby and she said my F is dying been said before and untrue

OP posts:
Original poster
alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:52

Thanks Imperial that is so true. I stopped contact because I didn't want my children treated the way I was or to see me being treated so badly. Also my M had become very openly abusive and manulipitive. I had enough.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 30/04/2012 19:52

Thing is, this is about how you feel right now. If you feel it's too little too late, you absolutely have the perfect right to decide that.

Please don't feel you have go along to drag up old stuff again just to accommodate them -and their guilt-

suburbophobe · 30/04/2012 19:54

that should've read:

and their guilt

RabidAnchovy · 30/04/2012 19:54

Keep her (them) all out of your life, it will save a lot of pain in the long run

Popoozle · 30/04/2012 19:54

Do you want to be in contact? Hand on heart? What about in contact with your sister?

If your instincts are telling you no, then trust them. If she still thinks that you had a rosy childhood & that she was a fabulous mother then she is highly unlikely to see things from your point of view in the future I would think.

Original poster
alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:54

No she didn't want money, I don't think although she did tell me my F gave her none and she is old (60s) and works FT.

She sais her sisters are all bitches but that is the sort of thing she does.

Yes she did blame me, for keeping her GC away from her.

I did feel a wave of affection, prehaps I'm just vunerable due to PG.

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