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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I haven't seem my M for 4 years and she just turned up on my doorstep!

43 replies

alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:32

I don't have any relationship with my parents and siblings. Up until now I haven't wanted to. I had a shit childhood, teen years and my parents made my life hell for a long time. and My parents are both liars especially my M, she doesn't seem to know what is true.

I did however feel a bit sorry for her today sucker. My DH is behind whatever I decide but would rather I didn't have any contact with them as they have made my life hell, blamed him for the fall out (totally not his fault) and he is worried they will try and turn me and my dcs against him.

OP posts:

travellingwilbury · 30/04/2012 19:56

I think the fact that she isn't willing to take any responsibility for her actions in the past woulod make me want to keep well away from her .

I would maybe feel differently if she seemed more contrite about the past .

Sorry but I agree with your dh , she will hurt you again .

Original poster

alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 19:56

Hand on heart, no actually i don't think I do want contact with them but i don't want them on my doorstep either.

I would like to see my sister I think but that would involve my M.

OP posts:

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 30/04/2012 20:19

Did the word "sorry" cross her lips at any point? Or "I was wrong to do xyz"? Or "I should not have done xyz to you"? Or "I treated you badly [in xyz specific ways] and I promise not to do that again"?

No?

Run.

Well, ignore. Is she expecting anything from you? Have you agreed to anything? Or are you just worried she'll turn up at the door again? Because you can deal with the last by refusing to answer, or opening the door just long enough to threaten to call the police.

(and as to your eldest dc remembering her visit - when your dc are old enough, you can explain why you don't see her, and they'll grow up knowing that you don't have to stay in a relationship with someone who treats you badly)

Original poster

alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 20:24

Bertha no she didn't do any of those. She wants me to send her a picture of my children. Thats a good point about children learning that you don't have to have a realtionship with someone who treats you badly.

OP posts:

openerofjars · 30/04/2012 20:32

If you let her back into your life at this very vulnerable time, how do you think she will be around the time you give birth? If the thought of it makes you want to run screaming, then run screaming now.

Original poster

alwaystheblacksheep · 30/04/2012 20:46

I think I need to put the lid back on this. Too much history. thanks for the advice.x

OP posts:

TheHappyHissy · 30/04/2012 21:02

She wants this FOR HER.

Not for you, not for your GC, for HER. To assuage HER guilt.

She has not given her own behaviour a second thought by the looks of it, proof of this is that she has the gall to say to you that YOU are to blame for keeping the GC away from her.

if you don't want them coming near you, tell them.

If they ignore your wishes (I'm betting they WILL), consult a solicitous, send them a letter informing them clearly of your wishes and if need be, seek a Non-mol order/call the police.

Do NOT allow them to intimidate/harass you.

TheHappyHissy · 30/04/2012 21:04

Put the lid on? NO. You need to nip this in the bud.

You do however need to talk this through, either with us, here, or on the Stately Homes Thread.

OR, you could really benefit from some RL talking therapy, possibly talk to your HV, your DR and see if you can get some referral, or help.

Bottling this stuff up will not make it go away. You are worth more than allowing that to hold you to ransom.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 30/04/2012 21:09

I think the lid put firmly back on, with a warning that you will contact the police if she bothers you again is the best thing you could do.

She hasn't changed, she hasn't learnt the error of her ways - why the hell would you want more of her lies and manipulation?

Oogaballoo · 30/04/2012 21:36

Sounds like you know what you really want to do and it's the best thing for you. I think it would be awful for your husband if they got involved in your lives again- based on what you've said about how they treated him in the past and his feelings now he'd be living in fear that the lies would start up again. No one should have to worry that their children are going to be turned against them...it's a terrifying feeling :(

They wouldn't be good for your family or for you.

janelikesjam · 02/05/2012 11:03

Agree with others - see what she says - why did she want to see you? Listen to the words, and the feelings behind them, does she mean it?

She could be trying to build bridges, she may have genuine regrets. If you have had a "shit" childhood I think you would really need to hear that clearly.

Or she could be just feeling selfish and wanting contact for her own reasons alone.

Only you can decide. You have a right to decide, and also a right to be honest with her back, if you want to.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 02/05/2012 12:00

She hired someone to track you down after you purposefuly moved where she couldn't find you = lack of respect for you.

She turned up on your doorstep unwanted and unannounced = lack of respect for you.

She told you your eldest would remember her coming by = veiled threat.

She told you your F is dying and worried about you = emotional manipulation.

She did not address any of her own behaviour = denial.

She was after her own needs (she wants a relationship with your DC) and did not consider your needs or feelings = selfishness, entitlement

You cannot have any kind of healthy relationship with this woman, not with the behaviour she continues to exhibit.

Sallyingforth · 02/05/2012 12:14

If she has sincerely apologised for what happened in the past, and accepted that she treated you badly, then you might just have a basis for a new relationship.

If she hasn't done that then she is wanting to carry on when she left off, which is why you broke away in the first place.

DairyNips · 02/05/2012 12:16

Wow, your mother sounds just like mine, even says the same things about f being ill etc and my P's also tracked me down when I didn't want them to

She doesn't respect you if she has done this. You feel a sense of loyalty because th manipulative things she says are meant to make you feel guilty. None of it is your fault, you broke contact because of the terrible way she treats you and the fact she hasn't offered any kind of apology or admired any blame speaks volumes.

I would make it very clear you still want no contact if this was me. This situation happened to me except I called the police. They kept harassing me so I got the police to warn them that if they came to my house again they would be arrested. They were told not to contact me and that if there was a serious illness/imminent death then they had to contact the police who would pass the message on to me. The illness/death thing was to stop my M using this as a guilt trip all the time.

I have had an email ad answer phone message since they were warned off a few years ago as they can't behave but no more unwanted visits.

Protect yourself and your family x

Vassia · 02/05/2012 13:05

Whatever you do, don't be giving her a picture of your children! If she's gone to this trouble to track you down, she probably also knows where they go to school/nursery. I'm in no way saying she'll abduct them or anything like that, but its an "in" for her to approach them and try to manipulate them if she can recognise them at the school gate.

She sounds like a nightmare. Good luck.

Original poster

alwaystheblacksheep · 02/05/2012 18:48

Thanks for all the replies. I have had a few sleepless nights over this! I know its the right thing to not have them in my life, its just hard because I felt sorry for my M. but I am staying strong.

I am also worried about them turning up again but I will have to involve the police I guess.

OP posts:

DairyNips · 02/05/2012 19:24

She wants you to feel sorry for her, that's the whole point. It's all an act. Her motives are purely selfish. She doesn't feel sorry for you

Maybe write a letter/email explaining that if she turns up again the police will be called and leave it at that.

tintoytarantula · 02/05/2012 19:43

If she was at all concerned about your feelings, or capable of empathising, she wouldn't have turned up unannounced after you'd tried to cut contact. Any (sane, decent) parent would be desperately sad to lose their relationship with their child, but no matter how she felt, it was not OK for her to ride roughshod over your wishes like that. She should have tentatively written to ask if you would possibly, one day, consider resuming contact. NOT just shown up without asking.

It seems to me that it might be worth having a word with your children's teachers/nursery staff, to tell them that you've been tracked down by an abusive family member and that they need to be extra vigilant with your kids just in case.

Remember, you don't owe your mother anything. She didn't do right by you, she doesn't own you and she's forfeited any right to your respect or love by her bad behaviour.

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