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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

why am I so upset, am I being pathetic?

36 replies

fedupwithlife · 29/04/2012 20:06

I'm really pissed off with myself for being so tearful about this. Basically dp of 9 months lost his job so he's not particularly in a good place at then moment which has an effect on me as there is a sense of incertainty with everything, he's been really trying to get a job and so far been unsuccessful. His best mate runs a bar in spain, which he tends to go there on holiday as its cheap just buying for the flight. Anyway it seems this mate has sort of offered him work there for a month, but to be honest I'm not actually sure if he's really paying him anything :-/ DP wants to go, said he won't go if I don't want him to, but I feel I shouldn't really stop him as he has a mortgage to pay (we don't live together). However it does seem to be turning out thats more of a working holiday helping his mate out a bit but not really getting paid. He's admitted to me before his mate hasn't been totally loyal to his long term girlfriend in England and part of the job behind the bar is to flirt and have a banter with the customers. This obviously is playing on my mind a bit, I can understand maybe he needs to get away to sort his head out whatever, but I don't know if I'm being pathetic getting upset about it whether I should be pleased for him to go, its really getting to me, can someone talk some sense to me please x

OP posts:

scarletforya · 29/04/2012 20:14

Erm, I wouldn't like it either OP. But you say he is your 'DP' but you don't live together and you are seeing each other 9 months.....

I'd take this as being the end really.

Original poster

fedupwithlife · 29/04/2012 20:17

why the end....don't get it????

OP posts:

ChakotayBlue · 29/04/2012 20:18

I would either go with him or break up with him. You say you don't live together, so you are not responsible for any bills. Let him get himself out of it. If he feels the best thing is chatting up women working behind a bar then let him go.

MushroomSoup · 29/04/2012 20:19

I would be perfectly ok with that to be honest. I would much rather my bloke went to help a friend out - with or without payment - rather than sat on his arse moping.
What it really boils down to is whether your trust your DP. If he's TOLD you about his mate's infidelity it appears he doesn't agree with it - if he liked getting over there to do the same he wouldn't have told you!

scarletforya · 29/04/2012 20:21

Well, he's going off 'for a month' to 'bartend' (party) with his unfaithful mate. Apart from you he has nothing here to come back for? It's the start of 'the season' out there, do you really think he'll come back to dreary Blighty when he could be partying in the Sun with his fancy free mate?

I dunno....it just doesn't sound good to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/04/2012 20:21

I agree that you're just boyfriend and girlfriend rather than partners. Usually, if partners have troubles they want to stay close to their nearest and dearest. If he wants to escape to his usual holiday destination at the first stressful event in your relationship then that suggests he doesn't see you as being close enough to be part of the solution. If he goes I think you'd be technically 'on a break'...

Original poster

fedupwithlife · 29/04/2012 20:22

well i can't go with him I have kids at school etc, but I'm not sure why I should break up with him for going away for a month if I love, its a relatively short period of time I guess but its a good relationship, why would I break up with him so easily? Unless I'm just being an idiot here which is quite possible lol!!!

I thought u lot would tell me I was being pathetic lol

OP posts:

Original poster

fedupwithlife · 29/04/2012 20:23

I see what you mean hmmmmm

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 29/04/2012 20:24

Let him go with your blessing, just tell him you are trusting him to hold you dear.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/04/2012 20:25

It's not you breaking up with him, it sounds more like potential for being the other way around. He says he won't go if you don't like the idea and, as you're clearly uncomfortable with it, why not ask him to stick around? See what he says.

Original poster

fedupwithlife · 29/04/2012 20:31

I suppose I just thought, well he has a mortgage to pay he's getting paid , he has nothing sorted out here, so felt I couldn't justify asking him to stay only to be depressed here with little chance of a job, but if it is as I suspect, (he doesn't know himself yet) more of a holiday then I think that is different and obviously I would not be happy :-(

OP posts:

oikopolis · 29/04/2012 20:31

let him go, be cheerful about it. this is a great opportunity for you to size up what he really feels about you.

when it comes to OHs, always give them enough rope to hang themselves... then, if they do, you've saved yourself time and effort. and if they don't, you get to be happy about how committed they are :)

Original poster

fedupwithlife · 29/04/2012 21:08

He has just said he will speak to his mate and find out wot is wot with the money side, if he's not paying him enough he won't go, as obviously he has to pay for his flights too. He also said even if he does get paid enough to make it worth while and I don't want him to go he won't and he wouldn't resent me for it as he doesn't want to loose me and would rather not go than have me upset.....but I feel mean stopping him pffffffttttt!!!

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 29/04/2012 23:48

If you feel mean stopping him, then don't!

ike1 · 30/04/2012 00:07

let him do what he wants

sternface · 30/04/2012 00:56

Why can't you be honest with him, like you've been on this thread?

Would it be so terrible to say that you love him, will miss him being away for a month and have some insecurities about his head being turned by the lifestyle and his unfaithful mate? But that you understand it's a great opportunity to earn a few bob and escape the gloomy climate.

Have you tried to spin this round? If you got the opportunity to spend a month in the sun with your shagger mate and your partner coudn't come because of his kids, would you go? If he said what I suggest you say, would you hold it against him or think worse of him?

If you've been together 9 months, it's an exclusive relationship where love has been declared, he's met your kids and you're having sex - it should survive a bit of honesty and being able to show eachother your vulnerabilities.

NovackNGood · 30/04/2012 01:08

Considering that your boyfriend's mate could get anyone of the 50% of 18-24 year olds who are unemployed in spain working for about 300 euros a month in his bar and that god looking girls and boys are 10 a penny in Spain to drag in the older punters who actually buy the drinks, then I can't imagine he'll be paying of much of a mortgage after he's bought pizza's and tapas to eat. however after he has worked until 4 or 5 in the morning then slept until 4 or so in the afternoon before a lazy afternoon on the beach before back to work in a bar where he can see good looking girls 10 a penny, do you really think he will want to leave once he gets there? If he is not living with you then it's not like you are that serious at the moment are you so maybe it's just an end of an era for you.

lisaro · 30/04/2012 01:15

I can't see anything wrong with it - he's demoralised, bored and broke. Probably the best thing for him to do.

garlicnutter · 30/04/2012 01:23

Wait, wait, has he signed on? Is he getting housing benefit?

I know the rules have changed to accommodate living in EEC countries but I don't think you get the full whack of benefits and, if he's considered to be employed by his pal, he'll have to sign off.

I like what he said in your last post, OP :) It's a very good sign for your relationship! I disagree that a summer of potential sun-soaked shagging means it will inevitably happen ... though it does make it more likely.

Lots more talk needed, methinks.
If he can afford the flight and isn't planning to sign off, how about the pair of you going for a fortnight of (undeclared) free holiday with helping out in the bar??

Hippychickster · 30/04/2012 07:26

I agree totally with MushroomSoup. I'd be fine with it and want him to get away from the boredom and depression of no work. You never know, the break may spur him on to find something here.

You never know what will happen. I'd be OK with it. Don't torture yourself with what he may or may not do.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 30/04/2012 07:35

Be ok about it, it,s a reasonably new relationship, he doesnt live with you and if he comes back still wanting to be with you then you know he's a good un'.

Happy and cool is much more attractive than needy. You also may very well enjoy your month.

janelikesjam · 30/04/2012 09:25

Yes OP, and if he goes, make sure you've gone some good things lined up for your Summer in Blighty .

Original poster

fedupwithlife · 30/04/2012 09:30

Thank you all for your opinions you have put it more in prespective and you've all really helped, theres nothing definate yet, I can't help not liking the idea, but if he went I would just get on with my life, more talking me thinks too x

OP posts:

Original poster

fedupwithlife · 03/05/2012 21:14

Just an update.......

....so I decided to explain how I felt as I was so upset. I told him I didn't want him to go for selfish reasons because I would miss him, I loved him, but also because it sounded like it was more of a holiday as he couldn't be guarenteed to be paid. I told him I felt uncomfortable about it especially as he had told me his mate hadn't been loyal and part of the job was to flirt with customers. But I said we've been together a relatively short amount of time and I had no right to stop him so he had to do what he thought was right. Anyway now he has decided not to go, but is blaming me and sulking. I said I thought you said if you didn't go you wouldn't resent me he said he lied :-(. Tonight I text and said there's no point in staying here if its wot he really wants to do and he's going to resent me for it. He said no I want to stay with you x . But is still not talking to me......now I feel terrible :-( !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

ABatInBunkFive · 03/05/2012 21:18

What a catch.

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