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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

devastated feel suicidal

32 replies

loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 04:08

ive got a thread running on here titled help my husbands left dont know what to do. Tonight i learnt he has someone else someone he wirks with a colleague of his told me. He said it had been going on for ages and everyone at work knew, she is only in her 20's im 45. I amso hurt and upset he swore there was noone else. The worse thing is he's away in germany till tuesday so cant even confront him about it, ive txt but he's not answering. My teenage son who's 16 saw me so upset ive told him what ive found out about his dad he tried the contact him but he didnt answer his son either. My son rang him elder brother who came over because i was in such a state. Just dont kniw hiw im going get through this now my little girl who is 2 slept through all the crying, but i know she'll be awake in a few hours and im just devastated i dont wanna be here any more it all hurts so much, deep down i thought we'd sort things now i know he's been unfaithful ive lost him for good how the hell am i goung to function i want to curl up and die

OP posts:
likelucklove · 29/04/2012 04:14

Sorry if I'm not much help, I didn't want to read and run, I haven't seen your previous thread.

I know it hurts so much now, but you sound like you have lovely children around you. You need to be strong for them. They need their Mum. The bastard (if that's ok) sounds like he doesn't deserve you.

Is he still in your home when not away? If so, I'd be packing everything of his in black bags to be picked up.

Whatever you do, don't try to find her on Facebook. It's not worth you torturing yourself.

It doesn't feel like it, but maybe in a couple of months you can look back and think 'what a fucker, but at least I have self respect and my chikdren'.

likelucklove · 29/04/2012 04:14

Children*

Original poster
loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 04:22

he left 3 weeks ago he took all his stuff friday, im hurting so very much i really wanted to believe there was no one else, what sort of girl see's a married man with young children? I dont know how im going to pull through, ive txt him and told him he's not seeing his kids again, i know i shouldnt have but i want him to feel pain too and to realize what he's lost for a slag

OP posts:
likelucklove · 29/04/2012 04:27

Unfortunately, there are just too many if these girls, and too many men who bloody fall for their money grabbing.

It is so much better to channel the anger than be upset for someone that is not worth it. I understand it must be so upsetting with the marriage breakdown, your children may not want to see him because they know.

Can you try and sleep? Or watch a film? Just thinking of diversion tactics so you don't feel so upset and can concentrate in something else.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 04:32

my little girl is only 2 she adores her daddy thats what hurts so much how could he leave her for this women, i want to make him miserable by stopping him seeing his daughter but i know it will upset her not to see him, she must be so confused as it is from suddenly not having him there

OP posts:
giraffesCantDonateBoneMarrow · 29/04/2012 04:38

if you feel suicidal call them. or go to a hospital if you need urgent help.

PullUpAPew · 29/04/2012 04:43

So sorry to hear all you're going through. Horrible of your husband. Can you gather all possible support around you and just focus on one day at a time? Try to rest, eat a little, let your older children care for the little one so you can get a bit of sleep?

If you do feel very distressed call Samaritans to rant/cry/get it out.

Others with more practical advice will know what to do about his possessions etc.

Have a hug from me.

PullUpAPew · 29/04/2012 04:45

Don't worry about your daughter today, he's away til tuesday anyway, just focus on you for the next couple of days while this sinks in.

Original poster
loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 04:55

it sinks in im alone, thrown out like a piece of rubbish abandand i know i sound sorry for myself , i feel sick and my stamach aches with nerves, the thought of never holding him again never having him in my life is too much to bear the thought of them together her where i should be is unbearable

OP posts:
IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 29/04/2012 05:22

Hi Loganberry so sorry you are in this position. I've been and know it feels just awful. It will feel awful for a while but will start to feel better day by day too.

The advice already given is great. Did you call the numbers given? Who else do you have also that you can call? Friends? Family?

Hugs for you.

WildEyedAndHairy · 29/04/2012 05:36

So sorry you are going through this.

Can only repeat advice already given so giving you hugs too. Have you got anyone who could come round to keep you company or at least talk on the phone? If not, then phone the Samaritans, number given above by giraffes.

Smurfy1 · 29/04/2012 05:49

Hunny You will get to the anger stage which believe will see you through xxx

You have your wonderful kids hang onto what is good out of this

I too have been there and it does get better

You have every right to feel this way but please keep your self respect

balotelli · 29/04/2012 06:32

I know it sounds corny but time will heal and you will come through this a better, stronger person.
your dd will get through it too, probably much better and easier than you will. kids adapt so much better than adults. The next few days and weeks will be hard but you can make it. Get some RL friends there to support you, go on holiday, get a out and get on with normal life.
I speak form experience, it happened to me 14 years ago and I became a mess in the aftermath but emerged a better stronger person.
You can and will survive.
Good luck.

PullUpAPew · 29/04/2012 09:42

I really can understand how much it hurts, but I promise your children want you soooo much and you will heal and feel better. Totally understand how horrible it feels, but you are not a piece of rubbish however he has treated you.

Proudnscary · 29/04/2012 09:54

How horrible for you - what a total idiotic selfish bastard!

You will survive this, you will be stronger, happier and your children will love you for always being there for them and putting them first.

Please hang on in there and please surround yourself with real life support.

feedbackforfree · 29/04/2012 10:15

Logonberry, bless you. I can remember feeling as you do right now. You were already in a state of shock over him leaving and now you have been confronted with the truth, it's like being kicked all over again.

He is not the man you thought he was. He is a coward and a cheat and a liar and he has hitched his wagon to someone who is no better. Let him go. You need to concentrate on getting through each day, getting practical issues sorted out and looking after your children. An earlier poster is right, when you're angry stage kicks in, you will start to move forward a little.

You have a difficult journey, but believe you me, you will get through it; we all do. You will too. Love to you. xx

mollynp · 29/04/2012 10:32

I understand how you feel, completely hopeless and worthless. But you are not worthless and you have hope, that you will build a better future without him. You can't see it now, but he doesn't sound all that great and in the future you will meet a man who truly loves and respects you. I felt suicidal last year on discovering my H's affair, i even planned it and only didn't when i realised that i didn't have enough sleeping pills and i really didn't want to end up on a psych ward. I scared everyone and felt really stupid and embarassed after. Ring the samaritans when you are feeling desperate. You have had a massive shock and it will take time to recover from it. But you will. I ended up taking st john's wort as the suicidal thoughts scared me. It is as effective as antidepressants when you build up the dose, but without the side effects. I also found counselling really helpful in building up my self-esteem. This didn't happen because of you, but because of him. You have people who love you and value you, you are stronger than you think and will get through this. I paid privately for counselling as there is a long wait on the NHS, but my GP also recommended MIND, there may be a centre near you and they offer free counselling. Take care of yourself.

Bucharest · 29/04/2012 10:41

"too many of these girls" Hmm

And too many sad old fuckers whothink they can turn back time and be 19 again.

OP- you will get through this and you will be stronger. Keep talking on here and then focus yourself on practicalities.

fiventhree · 29/04/2012 14:26

You will get through this.

I have read your others threads in relationships, and I think you should reread them, too.

I think (and certainly hope) that you are going to get angry.

You had one thread worrying why he was off sex, and what you could do to keep the relationship alone. There was the withdrawal, the refusal to answer questions, the controlling behaviour re your right to go out or get a job, and the leaving you with no explanation. Oh, and the drugs.

Really, he is a prize shit, and nothing you could ever have done would have helped here- he is basically self centred, addicted, uncaring, and he has left you spending at leat 18 months wondering what the hell was going on. He has ruined your time with your two year old, practically since she was born, as you have been so consumed with worry.

He will get his comeuppance, it is obvious he will. All those personality flaws will hit him in the face sooner or later, and older men having aaffairs with a twenty year old- well, the odds on that working out long term are piss poor.

I hope to god you never take him back. In a few months time, when you have your life back on track, a job hopefully, your kids, and a few more friends- which you will when you are not concentrating on his crappy issues full time- you will be glad of this day, believe me.

LidlVoice · 29/04/2012 14:30

Hi, don't have much constructive advice but just wanted you to know that there are lots of us out there wishing you well.

Try not to focus on them together, or even on her. He is to blame, not her. He may have spun her a tale about how awful you are etc, so try to focus your anger on HIM.

Teaandcakeplease · 29/04/2012 14:44

I swear these arse holes all follow the same script Angry My ExH left me for a 21 year old. Although the age gap was less for him. At the time I had an 11 month old boy and a 2.3 year old daughter. She used to walk around the flat crying "daddy gone, daddy lost" and my heart used to break for her and I wanted to kill my H for what he had done. It is so so painful. You WILL get through this. I lived on a diet of coffee and not much else to begin with. I couldn't stomach food. Eat what you can. Even if it's just a slice of toast. Put CBeebies on for the kids and serve easy food like fish fingers for now. Take any offers of help at this time you can. And please ring The Samaritans. Can your mum stay and help you for now, or someone similar?

Teaandcakeplease · 29/04/2012 14:47

Be prepared for him to lie if confronted, or blame you. My ExH kept lying for 5 months after separation about the full extent of his affair. Even claimed it was over, when it had never ended and he couldn't chose between us.

ThatVikRinA22 · 29/04/2012 14:52

muster up as much RL support as you can OP, let people help you, let people have the kids for a few hours, or run to the shops, pay bills, just focus on getting through one day at a time. Use this place to rant and vent.

and hang on to the truth - that he did not deserve you/your family. he has made his choice. no man is worth leaving your children for. not ever.

hang on in there. one day at a time.

Twiggy71 · 29/04/2012 18:28

I've been there too and god but it hurts sooo much. I found that it helped to concentrate on my children and this made me angry and feel slightly stronger I didn't deserve what he had done and they definitely didn't. Its amazing what you can do for your dc much more than you would do for yourself. Believe me things will get easier you might not think that now but it will, just give yourself some time to heal and be good to yourself... (((hugs)))

Original poster
loganberry12 · 29/04/2012 19:34

thank you everyone for your kind words

OP posts: