Another workaholic husband, am I unreasonable? (long)

[1950swoman]

So, our oldest kids, twins, went to uni last year. We are late 50s. I've just given up a part time admin job that was driving me mad but am still doing a few hours a week teaching in adult education. I spent too many years doing part time crap admin jobs while the kids were growing up because he was commuting to London doing a job he loved but which meant responsibility and long hours.
Now he has a full time job doing something completely else but has been keeping up his contacts in his previous field (publishing) and as a result of that, he is also writing three books (he has had several published) and running two history tours this year (history is his thing and the tours were a new opportunity which popped up last year). All this means he is incredibly busy plus he wants to go on a week's trip to California for the international workshop of a martial art that he has been doing for 20+ years. The latter caused a lot of trouble early in our marriage because he used to take time out to do that AND his busy job and the kids were very young.
He wants me to come to California with him and spend a week by myself while he does his workshop and then we have a week together. That's the only possibility of a joint holiday this year. We haven't managed more than a week away for a number of years because of his schedules.
Am I being utterly foolish in feeling angry and sidelined and that I don't want to drudge around for a week by myself while he is on this workshop? I am sure I can find things to do and I'll enjoy some sightseeing but I can't help feeling like an addendum to his life.
He is 60 this year and is planning this great party. Considering how awkward and shut away he was when I met him, he is certainly a socialite now and I feel his career and life has blossomed while mine has stagnated.
I feel lost, lonely, stupid, deskilled, old, unhappy. I feel like I am no longer capable of being independent. To think I once used to be a feminist! He says he loves me and he's not bad at doing his share of the housework and he's a good father. We do still share interests (going to films etc) but we've never really had joint friends.
It hasn't been the easiest of marriages and we have nearly split several times. He says he doesn't want to divorce but I feel stuck in the small town where we live (he won't move) and actually my only capital as such is my share of the house. I have no family to go home to and I just don't know what to do. I spend a lot of time feeling depressed and I don't know whether I should just swallow that and make the best of it. Any thoughts? Thanks.

I would go to California - you won't be stuck for things to do

It's ok for people to have different hobbies etc but it is horrid to feel you are low down on someone's list of priorities

Why did you give up work? I would find soemthing to do, cultivate your own hobbies and re-define ourself

Late 50's is still young

However, your relationship sounds tricky - you still have many more years ahead being married .... You sound jealous of his late blossoming and his new social life. Maybe you feel he doesn't need you so much now?

I think you have a lot to talk to your DH about

My children are very young so am at the other end of the scale but just as having children is a game changer in a relationship, I am sure that them leaving home is too

I gave up the job because it was one that I could supposedly do from home, but, it was for a charity and had no boundaries and because so many people did stuff voluntarily, it was impossible to keep the hours under control. And it was another thing that was making me lonely in that I was working in an isolated situation and there wasn't a great social scene available through it, just staring at a computer with occasional, minimal social contact.
Yes, children leaving home is a big deal, I'm really surprised by it. I suppose I am jealous of his late blossoming and often feel like I am in his shadow with no sense of who I am anymore. He is supportive of me but he says things like 'you are so great at caring and spotting things going on with the kids before they become a big problem' but I want to be something more than just a carer.
I've said I'll go to California but I'm wary of how angry I feel because if I can't sort that out I know I'll spend the week feeling fed up and then I'll take it out on him when we do get together! Sounds childish I suppose but I do sometimes fantasise about having an affair so as to make him jealous! He's not very easy to talk to, he tries to say everything is ok and to explain away my feelings. Typical man I suppose.

It sounds like You want to force his hand a bit for a reaction? You know realistically, An affair would blow everything apart for you, your kids etc

Go to the USA - California is amazing; so much to do

Set aside some time for the two of you - a change of scene can be useful

Have you thought about speaking to someone to sort your feelings out?

I understand all what you are saying and feeling, but now you need to change things. You need to make a life for yourself.

Maybe talk to your husband and find out what kind of life you want with him but at the same make a life for you as a individual as well as him. No point in looking back, what's done is done. Now is your time to shine, your never too old.

In fact is their anything you fancy trying, any hobbies? Education? Job?

Just read your second post. The grass isn't always greener eg the affair. He sounds like he has a lot going on and loves to work, nothing wrong with that. Would you like him to spend more time with you? Wht do you want to do as a couple?

I sense this is more about you though. Your nearly 60 and looking back over your life and feel you haven't achieved everything you wAnt, I can see why you feel jealous of your husband as you feel he has. With the children leaving it has hit home even more. Your thinking what do I do now? Your lost? But you can change. Is there anything you want to do in your life that you haven't now? Other than having an affair :))

I'm pretty horrified by the economic situation (over 150 people applied for the job I gave up, that was a shock!) and I can't imagine taking another job of that sort and can't imagine I'd be in with a chance anyway. I guess I'm confused and frustrated, embarrassed to admit that what I teach is tai chi to older people. I should be sorted huh? I am quite creative and I've never had the chance to explore that and I am, kind of, interested in history but feel that the moment for that really has gone given course fees and I'm not sure my brain is up to it anymore either. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer me, thank you. I have been looking for a counsellor. I'm not sure how to find someone I feel ok about, I've done some in the past and there are good ones and also the not-so-good.

First of all, California is an absolutely amazing state, and you will not be bored at all as there is so much you can see and do... although personally I would love a husband free week in Vegas to sun myself by the pool, play in the casino, pig out on the luxurious buffets, and wander around the shops which are fantastic.. (vegas is a very short and cheap flight from LA)

I dont think the problem here is your husband, it is your own lack of things to do which interest you.

In our house I am the one who is never bored as I work full time, have lots of different interests and am also quite happy on my own doing my own thing. My husband does infuriate me at times as he has no hobbies and no interests, so I find myself feeling guilty that I am spending a lot of time doing what I want to do, while he is bored... but I would love him to find a hobby..

Wow squeaky toy, that's so interesting. Maybe we choose our mates because they are opposite to us but that is not always comfortable. I used to have lots of hobbies but now I feel bewildered at suddenly having time and not knowing where to begin to pick anything up again. I also have an older dog who is quite over-attached to me and a bit like another child. She is sweet but.....
What does your husband do with his time then?

He watches tv... surfs the internet, and talks about the classic cars that he is supposed to be maintaining and keeping on the road.. (inherited from late FIL and it drives me potty that he doesnt actually look after them as he ought to.. ).. he works hard though, often long hours in a physical job, often 6 days a week, and gets up at 5am Mon-Fri, so by 8pm at night he is usually half asleep on the sofa..

My parents were similar in that Dad was a workaholic, and my Mum was a housewife, but my dad would come home from work, have tea then disappear off to his shed/garage/workshop until suppertime leaving my mother on her own watching tv... she got to her early 50's (they had been married 30 years at this point) and gave him the ultimatum that he either spent more time with her, and took her out, or she would leave him.

He did give it a go though, and they went dancing (ballroom and latin).. and in typical form for my dad he got addicted, and within five years he was a qualified dance teacher, and they were going out five or six nights a week, with my mum begging for a night in...

Moral of that one is be careful what you wish for I think!!

It did however create a big circle of dancing friends for them, who were invaluable when my dad sadly died in his early 60's after a long struggle with cancer, and my mum was able to go out with friends from dancing and she wasnt as lonely as she may have been if they hadnt got the social life they had.

Hi OP,

Could you not just fly out and join him for a week's holiday after his workshop has finished?

"I feel lost, lonely, stupid, deskilled, old, unhappy I'm a bit younger than you (early 50s), but could have written most of your post 3 years ago - especially the bit about the crap part-time admin jobs that drive you mad but at least get you out of the house. The final straw was working as an office temp in London shortly before moving to the West Country. Being at the bottom of the professional food-chain at almost 50 was probably the most demoralising experience of my life - I posted one horror story here

So I started a degree course at our local university 18 months ago, and it's been like a new lease of life. I have to do a lot of voluntary work as well to gain experience in this particular sector, so get to meet lots of new people. I was lucky enough to start just before the fees went up, but as hell will freeze over before I'll EVER earn enough to pay back a penny (very interesting sector/career but starvation wages) I would have taken the decision to go even with tuition fees of £9k pa. I started out doing a 2 year Foundation degree (which didn't require any formal qualifications, even though I have got A levels) , but have just been accepted onto the 3rd year of an honours degree course for September, and have my eye on an MA next year! .I love hanging around with other students even if most are young enough to be my own kids and there are lots of other mature students around although not as ancient as me.

DH is unfortunately now the one without a social life and stuck at home all day (runs his own business).