Friendship gone sour...

[Topcat14]

Someone who has been quite a close friend is now really unpleasant to be around.
When you are in a friendship group and one of them you don't click with anymore, how do you stop it ruining your social life ??
This person is often around when I am socialising with others,
Always seems to have a boast, or put down ready to throw my way,
I have been polite, really tried not to react, and have managed the situation by spending less and less time with them, but this seems to be escalating their need to be abrasive to me.
Personally I think this person is narcissistic, so although has prompted my backing off through unpleasant behaviour has taken my rejection of them really badly, how dare I ??? And is hell bent of making me pay !

I prefer the head-on approach to tippy-toeing. (And who cares whether they're narcissistic or supercalifragalistic? NYP...) Boasting, put-downs, being abrasive etc. you just have to think (in advance helps) of a very clear, very unambiguous way to say 'fuck off' and give it to them between the eyes so that they are in no doubt that you want nothing more to do with them. If they want to whine... might as well give them something to whine about.

Yes I agree, next time they throw a quip your way challenge them. Easier said than done I know.

Agree with cogito I think a slightly overly loud and cheery "wow did you mean that to sound so rude?" would be good (I got that from another thread) but practise a few similar lines (really practise them it does help) so you are armed for the next time the loon goes for you. Good luck! You shouldn't have to miss out because of one wierdo

There was a very similar thread a little while ago. I also know someone like you described, so made a note of the best comebacks so I could respond and make them look like a dick without lowering myself to their level.

"You know ..., you always sound angry and upset at the smallest things. It's not normal to get so upset and struggle to deal with things that other people would brush off and not be worried by. Have you ever thought about getting some counselling to try to deal with things better? You know we all care for you and don't like to see you upset all the time, and it's not pleasant to be around you when you're like this"

We know you're upset, but you are being unpleasant. Please try to calm down.

Are you going to have another toddler tantrum?

You are obviously in the wrong if you can only think you are able to win by shouting for the longest; I'll assume you've got no further points unless you can calm down and talk sensibly like a grown up

Why do you always attack me? If you're insecure about yourself then belittling me won't help, it just makes you look unpleasant to everyone else, who will try to avoid spending time with you.

For use in a professional environment:

What is your evidence?
Who have you consulted?
How did you go about looking for alternative solutions?
How have you measured (what you say is a problem)
How will you measure the effectiveness of your solution if you implement it?
What can you say about different solutions which have worked in other situations?

HTH :)

Ooh, lots of good points here.

Those are far too polite and far too long 21YrOldMan. People who snipe from the sidelines are cowardly and therefore need something assertive, combative and to the point.

'If that was aimed at me you can shut up right now'
'You're only making yourself look stupid'
'I've had enough of your snide remarks so just drop it
(For boasting) 'Move over Princess. We can't see past your big head'

Hi, I'm OP, new and playing with nickname !
She is quite subtle / clever ?
So it's felt quite tricky to challenge overtly, or it has felt tricky ....
It will be things like ...
Do have Isa / big car / inheritance due one day ?? No ? Well I have ...
Smug smile !
Is that a such and such camera / phone / toy ??
Well I have xxxxx. .... Much more expensive / bigger example !
Buying a face cream today ? Huh ! Why bother !!
Sugar in your coffee ?? You sure ? Whilst looking at my size 14 body !
I really truly don't give a toss what people have, if people are decent intelligent, nice to their kids, generally I get on with them.
Its the intention to show she has better / more than actually having something
Whatever I have or do, she will overtly have to say loudly what she has that is better, basically as long as its all about her, she's happy, andni'm not playing that game.
What I haven't wanted to do is challenge her in front of others, for fear of looking a bit playground, I have been trying to be the grown up, dignified, whatever ! Type of person, but I am really wound up about it on the inside.
Not convinced quipping back, put downs back is the way forward ....
Do you think I need to grow a pair ?

I was in a friendship group for a few years . 5!of us . There was a woman like you describe in it . She always wanted to be the centre of attention and was very annoying . I just let we wash over me but I am confident and outgoing and I really feel like she was threatened by me . She digged and digged and I ignored and ignored until I eventually told her she was acting like a brat ( she was !!) she had a massive strop and we don't socialise all together now .I still see the others jusr not her ..She is unhappily married and generally miserable so it's no loss !

"I have been trying to be the grown up, dignified, whatever ! "

So you're the bigger person but it's leaving you frustrated. I don't call that an acceptable result. Sometimes you have to just say what see and hang the consequences.

"Do you have an ISA? No...? " or "Is that a such and such camera / phone / toy ?? Well I have xxxxx. .... Much more expensive / bigger example !"
"I find only vulgar people talk about money and material goods... "

"Buying a face cream today ? Huh ! Why bother !!"
"At least I'm trying to fix my imperfections. Would take more than a pot of cream to fix yours"

"Sugar in your coffee ?? You sure ? Whilst looking at my size 14 body !"
"Are you naturally bitchy or do you have to work at it?"

With the best will in the world the way you are dealing with it at present is going to result in you isolating you from your group of freinds even further.

You have found yourself at a stage where you feel you can no longer brush the comments off so your options are to either find a new group of friends or find a way to challenge this friends rudeness you feel comfortable with.

As other posters have said the
"Did you mean that to sound so rude?"
Lets her know you have heard the intention behind the comments and don't appreciate it. Any further comment on her part which isn't a variation of
"No I didn't realise it came across like that."
Makes her look a fool. The more she escalates from that point on the more foolish she will look especially if you refuse to engage any further.

Point is she will either disengage and may apologise or detonate spectacularly. Either one is not your fault or problem but the latter may lose her a few more friends.

I love 21's list of suggestions - especially th work ones, but am also nicking some of Cogito's

How about just picking her up gently on what she's just said, ie, when she says "Buying face cream, why bother?" respond "What do you mean, I shouldn't bother? Are you trying to tell me I'm old and wrinkly?" Then laugh, so everyone can see you're 'joking'.

Or if she says, 'Sugar? Are you sure?', say 'Why, are you trying to say I'm fat?'

Play her at her own game, pick her up onn everything, but make it 'jokey'. Say it with a big, friendly smile. Turn the old bully's defence of 'I was only joking' right back on her. "Oh gosh, Mrs, you always seem to have the bigger/better/more expensive thing, don't you." (works best with slightly patronising tone, to flag up how pathetic it is to always have to prove you're better than others).

Yes, ignoring it, means it continues, I feel annoyed, nothing changes.
You are absolutely right berts, it is done with the "I'm only joking !" tone.
Bully is the right description. I,'ve been thinking "narked off narcissist" but bully describes the behaviour well.
Like your equally jokey toned direct confrontation Berts. Puts the spotlight on the malicious undertone, given with equally smug smile !
Yes, I can do that !
Cheers.

cogito, I think OP sums up what I'm trying to do perfectly with "Puts the spotlight on the malicious undertone". Your suggestions are very rude. I can see a time when I would use them, but it wouldn't be when confronting someone I chose to spend time with, IYSWIM.

IMO it's much better to draw attention to the other person being a bitch without sinking to their level.

But, ultimately, if it works for you then cool :)

OP, what do the other friends in the group make of the nasty comments? Is it only you she targets? If I was one of the other friends I would not want to have nasty one around even if none of her comments were directed at me.

I hate when something bitchy has been said then the offender says "i am only joking" when you know they are not.

I have responded in the past with "No youre not, you are being bitchy and trying to pass it off as joking."

'did you mean to be so rude?'

to a clearly rude comment.

'sorry, could you repeat that - i didn't catch what you said?'

works well. forces them to repeat a bitchy comment or back down.

"Wow, toys out of pram much?"

"Is your cat blacker than mine too, Gertrude?"

"If Tenerife's too chavvy for you, how about Elevenerife?"

"What crawled up your arse and died?"

People give me knowing looks, when she is suggesting I have an itch because I have fleas, or that it's time I get my roots done, or whatever,
She is known as the neurotic, difficult one.
She is super charming to anyone new, but generally people cotton pretty quick.
I'm getting the brunt of it because I have actively and purposely chosen to take a step back and invest more time in others which she is aware of, and clearly feeling really rejected because.
I can't be assed to explain to her that her behaviour is really alienating, she always has an answer for everything, highly defensive.
People tolerate I guess, for an easy life, so there isn't any confrontation or pulling her up on her behaviour in a social group when she is being inappropriate, but I do have good relationships with the others despite this.

"Takes one to know one"

"If the cap fits..."

Or there's the placid but ever so slightly insincere "That's nice, dear".

How about a massive staged yawn every time she says something

I personally would use that age old favourite, " oh do shut the fuck up"

I think it's best to say something when there are other people around, as she cannot misquote you to others later. An ex-neighbour of my mother is the queen of the spiteful comment, and always seems to say something mean whenever they meet. I was with her a while ago when we bumped into this woman, and, as usual, it was all brag brag brag about her family, and then a snide comment about my sister's impending divorce. without even thinking (if I had, I might not have had the nerve to say it) I just blurted out 'you should be careful saying stuff like that - people might mistake you for a bitch'. My DM was mortified, but on the plus side, this woman avoids her now

Sure about sugar in your coffee 'I'm perfecting my J-Lo arse...I see you're perfecting your Buddha Belly'
'I've got the better version of x' 'thats nice dear..is that so you've got something interesting to play with when we stop listening'
'buying new face cream....' 'yes...you buying new polyfilla?'

thank you folks
some more of her "gems" ...
how do you entertain your dd with hardly any toys ? (she's got loads btw)
you are tired? just ask your lazy husband to pull his finger out (he works hard, and does youth community work ! always busy !)
your car is sooo ugly .....
you are one of those binge drinkers (i drink 3 times a year ! she drinks quite a bit, every day)
liking the tea cosy on your child's head ! (bobble hat)

the worst ones -
your child started off in a jam jar tee hee !! (IVF)
I'm always taking the piss out of "bumdrop" and she doesn't even notice !

I notice, I said. And plotted more ways to avoid her.
Anyone have a spare hitman ? reckon, I've had enough now, time to terminate !