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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm planning secretly to leave DH & start a new life - is it possible??

26 replies

chipping · 27/04/2012 22:09

I've put up with name calling and abuse for years. I've always looked for reasons why. I am a SAHM have 4DCs, is it possible to start a new life & be happy?

I have an appointment with a lawyer on monday. I have lots of family who live 300 miles away from where we live at the moment. When I visit them I feel that I have gone 'home', so this is where I plan to move to.

What is the best way to tackle this? DH is incredibly abusive & manipulative.

Am I doing the right thing?

OP posts:

Alltheseboys · 27/04/2012 22:12

Of course you are! You sound like you've thought about it for a while & answered all your own questions.good luck

whomovedmychocolate · 27/04/2012 22:14

Oh god yes you are doing the right thing. You know you are. How would you feel if your children went into crappy relationships where they were abused and bullied by their spouses because they had seen you put up with it throughout their childhoods. You are doing this because we parent by example AND because you deserve better.

RandomMess · 27/04/2012 22:17

When you visit do you usually go without your H, if so the next time you visit just stay (remember to pack all your paperwork though!)

Original poster

chipping · 27/04/2012 22:19

Thank you.

I don't want the DCs to ever behave like DH.

I used to be very strong. There is a tiny bit still there. I didn't realise what was happening. Why would anyone want to take that away - the very soul of someone??

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/04/2012 22:20

It is highly possible to have a good life as a single parent and, frankly, any life is better than one where you are treated like dirt. As well as talking to a solicitor, consider talking to one of the Women's Refuge/Aid organisations as they have a lot of experience with people in your situation.

In your shoes I would get some money together in a private bank account (transfer in the Child Benefit if nothing else) and then spirit myself and the children away to where your family live at the first opportunity. Once safely away, sort out the practical details afterwards and only communicate with your husband via your lawyer. In reality, you need very little to start over.

whomovedmychocolate · 27/04/2012 22:21

It'll come back. You will come back. And you will be stronger for it. But it'll take a while. I have a friend in v similar circs but a year on from where you are now and she's finding her feet in a new life. Very different but so much better. She's lit up like a candle now.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/04/2012 22:26

"Why would anyone want to take that away - the very soul of someone"

Because they are bullies. They are the grown-up equivalent of nasty children that torment animals. They get pleasure from seeing another living thing upset and afraid. They need a victim to dominate in order to feel superior. They do it because they can.

Original poster

chipping · 27/04/2012 22:26

I have started to save up some money.

Not sure what questions to ask the lawyer, I have the free 1/2 hour so want to use it wisely.

As soon as I start to think about how complicated it all is i think I may as well stay put.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/04/2012 22:31

What you ask the lawyer is about process. How to start divorce proceedings, and what your rights, protections and entitlements are as an abused wife in law. The rest... leaving... is as simple as you want to make it. My friend in a similar situation simply packed a few bags, emptied the joint account, bought some plane tickets and took herself and her two children off to her home town. She stayed with her family until she could organise a place of her own and that was that.

horsetowater · 27/04/2012 22:31

The Gingerbread website is good for money and benefits advice, they will give you a full length appraisal and guidance in terms of what you are entitled to etc. on the phone.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

horsetowater · 27/04/2012 22:33

Beware that lawyers sometimes assume that you want to stay in the family home, mine told me to stay put for financial reasons.

Original poster

chipping · 27/04/2012 22:39

I stupidly trusted him because he is a lot older than me.

I gave up a lot.

I was a model (don't hold that against me), gave it up to study for a degree in economics (& surprisingly gained a 2:1) ... met DH.

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Original poster

chipping · 27/04/2012 22:41

And now, in Dh's eyes I am stupid, ugly, financially inadequate, a moron etc

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/04/2012 22:43

If you gave up a lot and made big changes to your life once, you can certainly do it again. You can't blame yourself for trusting or loving someone. It's entirely his fault if he's chosen to abuse that trust. You're also an intelligent woman so finding employment shouldn't be difficult in your new location with family support.

Put yourself #1 priority and focus on what it is you really want. That'll keep it simple.

Original poster

chipping · 27/04/2012 22:54

I have no idea what he earns p.a. the lawyer will need to know this?

He is a gambler, I have uncovered over £250k losses in the past year (there is probably more).

That's an awful lot of money, yet I live on the minimum.

He is out tonight with his family, he eats out almost every night.

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ecclesvet · 27/04/2012 22:56

"is it possible to start a new life & be happy?"

Possible, but very difficult. It sounds like this is what you want, and what would be best for you, but please don't romanticise this escape - becoming a single mum to 4 children is demanding to say the least.

Plus have you sorted out accommodation? Staying with family will work for now, but how long will they want an extra 5 people in the house?

Have you researched what benefits you might be able to get?

Will you be able to afford the inevitable legal fight with your husband? Will you have to move back the children if a court says so? Is any of the abuse documented - this might make this easier.

horsetowater · 27/04/2012 23:03

you need very little to start over - Cogito

If he's a gambler trying to work out finances may take a long time, and will be something only a lawyer will be able to deal with so I suggest you carry on with your plan, go where you need to go, and leave the practical stuff until later. Do take important paperwork and medical information with you.

I wonder what he would do if you took the computer with you???

Original poster

chipping · 27/04/2012 23:07

ecclesvet - no accomodation sorted, no research on benefits, no way of affording the legal fight with DH, no abuse documented.

looks pretty shit, doesn't it?

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Original poster

chipping · 27/04/2012 23:19

Don't know if any mumsnetters know the legalities of this, but DH has never 'officially' lived in the family home. He has always been registered as living with his mum. Don't know where I stand with regard to divorce, if we have never actually lived together?

Our house is in joint names. DH also has a few offshore 'businesses', in fact most of what DH owns is offshore - houses, bank accounts, businesses in various company names, doesn't pay much tax, yet earns enough to pay for over £1m on mortgages.

complicated.

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horsetowater · 27/04/2012 23:28

I thought it might be... hence take his computer

If you have diaries or forums written that document abuse, or witnesses, I think that's counted as well. If you are married you ought to be able to stay in the family home until your youngest is 18 regardless of the other stuff, but it sounds as though it's not where you want to be anyway.

If he's registered as living with his Mum I can imagine that you could change the locks and he can't complain, but as you want to leave anyway there's not much point. Might be best to leave but not tell him as such -you're going away for a few days... then deal with it.

whomovedmychocolate · 27/04/2012 23:33

He has to declare them in the divorce but I would get as much info as you can, every bank account, his tax details etc. Any names of firms as registered at companies house. I would actually not leave till I'd seen the solicitor as I'd want to get a list of what info was needed first.

Doesn't matter where he blinking lives. If he has maintained you for years in a house and has not lived there it actually puts you in a good place to keep the house AND get maintenance. It may work out well for you. You may be better asking him to leave after getting legal advice.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 27/04/2012 23:34

Follow your heart, chipping. Two of my friends left their emotionally abusive husbands in the last few years; both completely starting again with their children, leaving everything behind. I think it is important to stress that they too left because of name calling, humiliation, manipulation and ridicule, not physical abuse. I know they both tried to rationalise it for years before they took the decision to finally leave, trying to talk themselves into feeling OK about staying, all the while shrivelling up more and more inside :( When we have spoken about it since, they both say that although it has been tough at times, they feel so much better and so much more empowered, making their own decisions without the constant worry about what their husbands would do or say. The friend who left her husband most recently says she now sleeps like a baby, and feels at peace for the first time in years, like she's kicked off a really illfitting and tight pair of shoes. She also says she has a much nicer time with her kids as they are more relaxed and don't have to tip-toe around. I will be thinking of you and wishing you well xxxx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/04/2012 23:34

If you have a marriage certificate you're married. Doesn't matter where he lives. Your lawyer won't need to know how much he is worth initially but will tell you that, as his wife, you are entitled to claim a share of all marital assets and a reasonable amount of maintenance for yourself and your children. You don't even have to prove abuse to get a divorce... that tends to be if you want an exclusion order. Legal fees. I'd expect with that amount of money at stake, some enterprising lawyer will take on your case pro bono. However, even if you walked away without a penny... unlikely .... it would still be a victory for your self-respect and personal safety.

As for accommodation and costs when you move out there is a whole welfare state behind you if you get the right information. That's why people like Women's Refuge are good because they have that information. There are also websites like Turn2Us with online questionnaires that show you what you could potentially claim.

MayaAngelCool · 27/04/2012 23:38

I have no advice but just want to wish you good luck.

Original poster

chipping · 27/04/2012 23:58

Thank you so much for your advice, I have lots to think about & lots to do. I've been on a bit of a downer today, but now feel more positive.

sounds mad, but now that I have made the decision to leave (& it hasn't been an easy decision) I feel more at peace with myself & more positive about the future.

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