To what extent do you let them 'take it out' on you? Not coping with partner's grief :(

[snakeprintboots]

(Posted this in bereavements but maybe better here) Please help, i'm not sure how to help my dp deal with recent events. A bit of background, just after last christmas one of dp's friends comitted suicide, then about a month ago his mother died suddenly of a heart attack whilst travelling abroad, now after his mother's death a family member has revealed that his grandad (now dead, but who he was close to) was a peadophile who abused 4 members of his family including his mother . Obviously this is alot to take on board and my dp has been struggling, our relationship was not that stable before any of this happened and it's put more of a strain on things.

My dp throughout all of this accuses me of not being very supportive (not tactile enough), shouts and screams at me, sometimes smashes things up and scares me, but am i supposed to put up with all of this because he is going through a hard time? I'm not sure how much more i can cope with but then i feel bad because i should cope and be this amazing supportive girlfriend (which i'm not). Even when i try to make the effort and give extra hugs etc he says i say/do the wrong thing. I just wonder how anyone else would be in this situation. All i try and do is keep the house running and look after the kids but he doesnt appreciate any of that because that's 'what I should be doing anyway'. If i try and say how i feel, i am being 'selfish' and 'twisting it all around to me '. I feel totally alone as my family are not very understanding (i get no help). I can talk to friends but the recent thing about his grandad i'm not allowed to say anything to anyone.

He is constantly threatening to move out/move abroad but tbh even though i'm not against the idea of moving abroad our relationship is so unstable i'm not sure if i want to be stuck in another country on my own, what happens if we spilt up? And is running away the answer? I feel maybe we should split up as i dont think we are compatible emotionally but then feel bad as i can't put that on top of everything else he's been through. I don't know if half the stuff he says he means as he says he is 'mad' and doesnt know what he is saying, so i am supposed to decipher what is said in madness/rage from what is actually meant. I've suggested counselling but he poo-pooed the idea.

I wouldn't want to live with him when he's like that. He sounds as though he needs professional help and you sound as though you need to be protected from him.

OP the answer is a clear "You don't allow them to take any of it out on you"

Don't do counselling. This is abusive behaviour, grief or no grief.

No-one should make you feel scared least of all someone who is supposed to love you. If this was a work colleague who was shouting and smashing things grief wouldn't be an excuse.

You said your relationship wasn't brilliant beforehand. Did he take you for granted and consider the work you do as beneath him? Did he pull his weight around the house? Was he controlling? Was he OK when things were going his way but OTT when they weren't? Not suggesting you answer all those questions. Just think about them. People don't suddenly become abusive. There are normally red flags.

Either way, he has no right to treat you like this and you don't gave to put up with it.

Agree he needs some help and the first step is a visit to a GP.

I just want to point out that I don't think that you are not a 'good enough partner'. I think it is very likely that nothing you will do will be exactely how he would like it to be. When someone only wants to see the bad sides, that's what they will see.

I really think your partner should take some responsability there, get some help and stop using you an an emotional punch ball. You do not have to allow any of this.
However, within limits, I would be more forgiving of some behaviours (as I would excuse them but not accept them iyswim) because of the circumstances.

Two more things:
1- Do NOT move to another country. There is nothing harder thsn going to live in another country. Doing so when you have some major relationship issues is the last thing you should do. The move will only make everything worse.
2- You say that your relationship wasn't that stable to start with. Do you thik that all this is actually bringing out all the issues/ressentment that were there before but put under the carpet?

Do you have dcs together?

Just to reiterate GoOnPitch. It is very unlikely there is anything wrong with your behaviour. This is about him (as everything probably is in your relationship).

You know this situation isn't right for you and certainly isn't healthy for the children. He sounds rather narcissistic tbh.

I think you should tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and that he is not entitled to take it out on you or treat you like this any longer. You can't be expected to support someone who is abusing you and taking you for granted.

Tell him he should move out, as he keeps threatening to.

You might want to talk to Women's Aid for support - there is a helpline number here:

www.womensaid.org.uk/

You can also search their website for a local contact.

Re abusive behaviour, I would actually be careful to label him 'abusive' and then to act as if there was no coming back.

Grief (and this guy has had a lot of it in the last few months) can do strange things to people incl behaving in ways that are not 'normal' for them.

Not knowing why the Op's relationship was unstable to start up with, I would be careful to use this label.

However this doesn't mean she should accept it! Noe does it mean he can do wo mental health support (ADs, counselling or whatever is appropriate).

OP could you also explain why you say you are feeling scared? Is it just the shouting and noise level or is there something else going on (breaking things, threatening behaviours etc..)

he needs bereavement counselling.
you cant do that for him.
if he refuses to get help for himself he has to go elsewhere with his grief.

dont make any decisions like moving.

has he always smashed things up and scared you even before all this?
if yes you need to seriously reconsider staying with him at all it is not an environment that is good fo children

To answer some of your questions, we have 2 dc's together 5 and 3 plus he has 15 yr old dd from previous r.ship. Yes i think he did take me for granted before. He thinks looking after the house and kids is 'easy' and he has the rough deal going to work, even tho he only works normal office hrs (no weekends) and his job isn't overly phsyically draining. He does hardly anything around the house or garden recently but i'm not allowed to say anything because of what he's going through. He wanted me to go out to work full time the other day and him stay at home but i don't want to do that as i'll be left doing everything then. he has always been like this the whole time we have been together (13 yrs), whenever something goes wrong he gets angry. he has never hit me though. Yes we had problems before, in the bedroom its not really happening and i nearly left him after his friend died but felt too bad, things seemed to be getting better and then this happened :(. On the outside to others, he is really strong and compared to his brother, coping well with his mum's death but behind closed doors he is cracking up and i am the only one he talks to.

The reason i am scared is that i say my point of view like for instance last night 'I'm sorry I didn't ask you how your day went and make you a cup of tea when you got in, but I did say alright and I was busy making tea and looking after the kids, you don't appreciate what i have been doing'. He goes totally mad, calls me cunt for saying that i felt unappreciated, how dare i be so selfish as to say something like that, then smashes up the clothes horse in the bedroom and goes downstairs and smashes up the phone :( i was left cowering on the bed. Apparently i'm overreacting as he's just 'letting off steam' and he would never hit me.

Oh sweetheart. This is unacceptable of him. He is a prick. This has nothing to do with grief. He is just using that as an excuse to treat you like this.

And I wouldn't believe him about hitting you. His behaviour sounds like it is escalating which is worrying. He really is being abusive. He has you scared, he is minimising it, he is blaming you and making no effort to change (far from it).

I know its no excuse but how can i leave him when he's just lost a good friend, his mum and then discovered that the only person he thought was ok in his family was a peadophile?? I really don't feel i can give him the support he needs and obviously I am not going to be the most loving/supportive person in the world if he treats me like this. He said other people would do 'little things' like be more attentive in the bedroom or cook a special meal. I have tried these things thinking it would make things better and it's still not good enough/goes unnoticed.

OP: I would try to get him to his GP. Grief does do funny things to people. It can make you feel like your head is going to explode. BUT he's taking it too far - the longer it goes on, the more likely it will escalate.

I remember that madness of grief myself, but I was never like your DP. I also discovered that a much loved great uncle was a paedophile. That has taken some time to digest and deal with. Your DP can do nothing about this person. It is all in the past.

He definitely needs extra support. If he won't speak to his GP, maybe you can do this and ask what steps you can be taking in order to get him to counselling.

You say that your relationship was not stable before all this happened - maybe this is all just too much for him to bear. Maybe he isn't mistaken when he says that you don't support him enough. Your backstory (which we don't know) plays a large part in this, I think..... This is not a sideswipe at YOU but I realise that it may appear so....

My ex was the same. Our relationship was in the toilet and then his dad died. He blamed me for every emotion he was feeling, I became his punch bag. He took everything out on me and became seriously abusive over what was really a very short period of time. Whenever I tried to call him on it he would say it was the grief. If I made any complaint about his behaviour he would go apeshit saying what a horrible person I was and anyone else would be better at coping with him than me, anyone else would be more understanding, more loving etc etc etc. I was not allowed to leave the house without permission 'because he missed me'. Final straw was he cut me off financially and said I had to ask for what I wanted and provide lists of all purchases in advance.

It didn't end well. Oh, and he was having grief counselling.

Your story is a mirror image. He might feel shit but you are not responsible for it, you can't change it, you can't make it better and you didn't cause it.

Get out, I agree with abigail he's using his grief as an excuse. It will get worse.

Grief can make people go a bit mad... but this is not a case of someone being a bit snappy and distant. He's treating you appallingly and I think you have to give him a warning that next time he screams at you/smashes things you'll seriously consider ending the relationship. Seriously, whatever has happened to him is no excuse for treating you like this.

C&P from your other thread:

I wouldn't allow my partner to take it out on me to any extent, and most certainly not to the extent you are!

Of course what he has been through on an emotional level recently is a lot for anyone to take, but seldom few of us would behave like this towards their loved ones as though their sadness is a licence to abuse.

Just to add...I would of course be totally supportive of my partner's grief and sadness....but not to the point of being bullied and made scared and miserable by it!
He is inappropriate to say the least, if that is what he expects of you!

Just read you updates OP.

No. What he is doing is completely unacceptable.

I think that if everything had been perfect before, then you would be right to give him some leeway while he comes to terms with everything that has happened.

It does come across though, that he is perhaps using these awful events as an excuse to behave towards you how he would really like to, and of course he has sworn you to silence.

Really abusive and vile behaviour.

If you were already thinking about leaving, then don't stay because of what has happened - it is just a big permission slip for him to treat you appallingly.

It does come across though, that he is perhaps using these awful events as an excuse to behave towards you how he would really like to

I agree.

The reason i am scared is that i say my point of view like for instance last night 'I'm sorry I didn't ask you how your day went and make you a cup of tea when you got in, but I did say alright and I was busy making tea and looking after the kids, you don't appreciate what i have been doing'. He goes totally mad, calls me cunt for saying that i felt unappreciated, how dare i be so selfish as to say something like that, then smashes up the clothes horse in the bedroom and goes downstairs and smashes up the phone i was left cowering on the bed. Apparently i'm overreacting as he's just 'letting off steam' and he would never hit me.

Seriously this is unacceptable! Whatever grief he is going through this really is totally unacceptable.

I bet he is not leaving his boss or anyone he works with cowering as he goes around in a temper destroying stuff in the office. Why? Because he can control himself and knows it is unacceptable.

He doesn't really need to hit you does he? He has you completely terrified. If he actually hits you then he is being abusive not 'letting off steam' and you may be more willing to walk away if that happens.

Your children are learning that if men in a relationship are unhappy that they can treat the supposed person they love like crap and terrify them. Would you like to find out your DD was cowering on a bed in terror of their other halfs anger? Or that your DS thinks it is acceptable to treat anyone this way.

'Just letting off steam' is leaving you cowering. What happens if one of these smashings accidentally flies up and hits you or one of your children?

I think you need to get him out to a neutral place and make it clear he gets to a GP and deals with the problem. If he refuses you seriously need to consider getting him out legally until he sorts himself out.

Or and I don't normally say get out of the relationship get out however this is unhealthy for all of you.

Good luck.

You will never meet his standards. He doesn't want you to meet them- he just wants to be dissapointed in you and complain. It suits him to have you in this role. No matter what you try and do there will always be a complaint because the you in real life has to fit with the you in his head where you don't do what he likes and are unsupportive.

you can give yourself permission to say to him that either he gets help for his grief and changes his behaviour or he leaves. today. now.

if you truly think his behaviour is due to his grief.
because you dont have to put up with that behaviour however many freinds he has lost etc. you have to ive him the push he needs to seek help.

but it sounds much more than a reaction to grief - that this kind of behaviour has gone on before.

but the response to "He goes totally mad, calls me cunt ...... then smashes up the clothes horse in the bedroom and goes downstairs and smashes up the phone i was left cowering on the bed."

is to get him to leave there and then.

or - you pick up the dc and you leave with them.

that he "wont hit you" is irelevant - he migh by accident or design or harm the dc by accident or design in one of his rages .

can you go stay somewhere with dc? family friends?

The backstory to why we weren't getting on anymore before is that our sex life was virtually non-existent, i didn't feel like it but then felt presurred into doing it just to 'keep him sweet' but then obviously i wasnt that into and it showed, thus making him feel unloved. We had rows which were increasing and i suppose yes, i felt unappreciated but felt like i couldn't say anything. When things are good he is actually quite nice and good with the dcs, but even recently he has not been doing much with them.

Celavie- no i've got noone I can stay with, as i said, my family are not very helpful (rececently fallen out with my mum over not wanting to have gc's) and dad is an alcoholic :( I would have to get him out.

snoopdog - your situation sounds almost the same and lemony i understand where your coming from.

All that you are saying points towards this being an abusive man at heart.

You are not responsible for his happiness and you should not bear the consequences of his "grief".

It is really that he is unbalanced or is he just using it as an excuse (poor him)?

You say that you not being into the sexual act, made him feel unloved.
How did it make you feel when you were pressured into it?
How does his behaviour make you feel?

To be honest, I can't see a future in the relationship, unless he takes his own behaviour into his hands and seeks help for himself.

OP: Is your house owned or rented? Is it in joint names? One name? All this can make a difference to your being able to get him out.....