To what extent do you let them 'take it out' on you? Not coping with partner's grief :(

[snakeprintboots]

(Posted this in bereavements but maybe better here) Please help, i'm not sure how to help my dp deal with recent events. A bit of background, just after last christmas one of dp's friends comitted suicide, then about a month ago his mother died suddenly of a heart attack whilst travelling abroad, now after his mother's death a family member has revealed that his grandad (now dead, but who he was close to) was a peadophile who abused 4 members of his family including his mother . Obviously this is alot to take on board and my dp has been struggling, our relationship was not that stable before any of this happened and it's put more of a strain on things.

My dp throughout all of this accuses me of not being very supportive (not tactile enough), shouts and screams at me, sometimes smashes things up and scares me, but am i supposed to put up with all of this because he is going through a hard time? I'm not sure how much more i can cope with but then i feel bad because i should cope and be this amazing supportive girlfriend (which i'm not). Even when i try to make the effort and give extra hugs etc he says i say/do the wrong thing. I just wonder how anyone else would be in this situation. All i try and do is keep the house running and look after the kids but he doesnt appreciate any of that because that's 'what I should be doing anyway'. If i try and say how i feel, i am being 'selfish' and 'twisting it all around to me '. I feel totally alone as my family are not very understanding (i get no help). I can talk to friends but the recent thing about his grandad i'm not allowed to say anything to anyone.

He is constantly threatening to move out/move abroad but tbh even though i'm not against the idea of moving abroad our relationship is so unstable i'm not sure if i want to be stuck in another country on my own, what happens if we spilt up? And is running away the answer? I feel maybe we should split up as i dont think we are compatible emotionally but then feel bad as i can't put that on top of everything else he's been through. I don't know if half the stuff he says he means as he says he is 'mad' and doesnt know what he is saying, so i am supposed to decipher what is said in madness/rage from what is actually meant. I've suggested counselling but he poo-pooed the idea.

If necessary, make a plan to leave.
Put money aside, get copies of documents, identify who might be able to help, be aware of what benefits and financial help you may get, seek information about legal aspects, etc. Even if you don't plan on leaving now.

You will be in a stronger position to demand that he gets better and to make a final decision.

Oh, BTW, grief would be being sad, not talking much, crying a lot, wanting to talk about it, wanting cuddles, even wanting some time alone, even denying the events. But then it should lead to acceptance and feeling better.
Anger is just a stage of grief, not the only stage, as it seems to be this case.

Lueji tbh is makes me feel like shit. But when i try and voice my opinions i get made to feel i'm being selfish. I will say that he needs to change his behaviour or seek help otherwise it's over. The house is rented, he talked about looking at a flat the other and tbh i wish he would but he's said things like this before and nothing's come of it and then we end up in this situation again. He's gone to pack bags before and then got upset that i'm not trying to stop him, but why would i? I may not be able to keep my house on if he moved out, would have to look into benefits, but if that's the case i would move somewhere smaller. Luckily I know how to look after myself and budget.

snake - you are being so passive, waiting for him to call all the shots. If you want to leave him, make your plans and leave, don't wait for him.

He may be grieving but he is also behaving abusively and violently. He is intimidating you, smashing things up, verbally abusing you in front of the children, undermining your role as a mother and emotionally manipulating you. Google your county and domestic violence and see if there's a local DV service you can speak to as it can be very difficult to get through to the national helpline.

His behaviour whilst grieving sounds like just an amplification of his behaviour and attitudes before. This is a man who lashes out when stressed.

I'm not sure he could change, even if he wanted to.

Oh, and his behaviour is abusive now, and was before

Personally, I'd help him pack, but then I think he'd find an excuse to stay anyway.

Stay strong. You are NOT being selfish. He is by not considering his family's feelings.

Good luck. :)

snake ok the situation is getting clearer.

This is not acceptable that he is going round breaking things in the house beacuse he is angry. To say things that are hurtful such as 'you never do anything to make me feel loved' is one thing, destroying the house/stuff is another.
You do need to give him an ultimatum there. Either he is going for counselling/seeing the GP or he leaves. AND either he is changing his behaviour and stops any threatening behaviour or he leaves.

You should not feel guilty about it because your own emotional health is just as important as his. He might have gone through a lot recently but it doesn't give him the right to destroy you!

I also suspect that the situation now is just an amplified version of what was happening before too. You have been accepting it until now. He just expects you to accept it again.

You do need to regain some decision making in there. Give him an ultimatum re his behaviour. Tell him he will have to leve otherwise. Go anmd investigate benefits etc.. to see what you could get. Empower yourself that you can say NO to that sort of attitude.

You are not responsible for his happiness and you should not bear the consequences of his "grief".

This.

Sounds like it's time to go.