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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Worried about my friend.

27 replies

bibbitybobbity · 27/04/2012 07:24

Not sure if I should be or not or if I should say anything.

We have known each other since secondary school and she has always been shy and quiet. Sort of kept to herself I guess. She is friendly and can be chatty but not in big groups. It is like her interests don't really match? Doesn't like going to the pub / bit old fashioned about swearing and stuff. We are now both 25 so I figure that this is just her character.

She is really old fashioned about men and relationships and seems shy around men in general. She lives at home still but is a carer as well as working outside the home. So she doesn't seem to have much free time for socialising.

I just worry because she never meets anyone! She has really traditional views on marriage and dating (is Christian) but I just don't see how she is going to meet a man to marry (eventually) if she is always doing duties around the house and is shy. She is so good with kids they just love her and she has talked about wanting children (after marriage of course!! ) but doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

Maybe she is happy how she is but I worry that she will wake up at 50 and not be married or have kids or anything in her life.

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 27/04/2012 07:38

Is she online, there are some christian dating websites where she would meet someone. But perhaps she's just asexual and just does actually WANT to meet anyone.

If she does, she might want to try church, that's the traditional route for meeting local fellers.

Nice of you to worry though.

shoegal34 · 27/04/2012 07:44

What wmmc said. My thoughts were church and Christian dating sites. Have a chat with her? She is lucky to have a nice friend like you :-)

Original poster

bibbitybobbity · 27/04/2012 07:45

I have mentioned online dating but she isn't confident / hates having her photograph taken. I asked her about why she was putting it off and she said she had to work on herself first. Must be part of the old fashioned thing.

She does want to get married and have children and the sad thing is that she is so lovely but just can't see it. Might try some subtle church hinting - hopefully there is one around here not filled with pensioners.

She is so domestic - loves all the house type jobs and I could just see her married to someone perhaps a bit older and having a couple of little kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

bibbitybobbity · 27/04/2012 15:58

Maybe church is the way to go - it sounds nice and old fashioned and I guess she is more likely to find someone her type there.

OP posts:

21YrOldMan · 27/04/2012 17:41

What's the problem exactly? She's living her life differently to you and has different viewpoints to you?

whomovedmychocolate · 27/04/2012 18:00

How old is she? There may be a 'young singles' group at her church she might feel safe at. If she has asked you for help I don't see any problem with you trying to help. But am willing to scoff the biscuit on your behalf om nom nom

Original poster

bibbitybobbity · 27/04/2012 19:00

21yearoldman I don't have an issue with her having different view points to me. I am glad that she is happy being herself and having her interests. My worry is that she wants to meet a man to marry but hardly ever leaves the house apart from work / supermarket. She wants to have her first kiss on her wedding day but I don't see how she will meet anyone.

whomovedmychocolate She is 25. She hasn't asked for help but does talk about getting married some day and about how she wanted to be a young mum and how she worries she will never meet the one.

OP posts:

shoegal34 · 27/04/2012 23:27

Could you have a few girls nights out with her? Nothing too raucous if that's not her scene, but just go out and about to a few different places, broaden her horizons, chat to people etc. Sounds like she's in a rut and has a very naive view of relationships.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/04/2012 11:42

All the Christian types I've ever known meet their partners through activities organised by the church. It's really not up to you to matchmake. Have you read Jane Austen's 'Emma'?.. :)

Hattytown · 28/04/2012 12:27

If she's 25, believes all this nonsense about 'The One' and wants her first kiss to be on her wedding day, frankly I'd be inclined to kidnap her and send her off to a feminist bootcamp and not try to get her to indulge this romantic twaddle by encouraging her to meet men.

Being single is great. If you're a good friend, support her in developing a worthwhile career and other interests in life. She's also right that she needs to work on her own identity before thinking about having a relationship. She might be struggling with her sexual orientation for example and this might be especially difficult if she's a Christian. Just leave her be and if anything, support her wish to remain single and uncommitted.

Original poster

bibbitybobbity · 30/04/2012 14:13

I am not really trying to matchmake just to get her to see that she isn't going to meet anyone sat at home. I get that she has a lot of responsibility at home but Mr Right isn't magically going to appear. Certainly not playing Emma!!

She fully believes in The One and saving her first kiss (and everything else) for marriage.

I do support her being single but she talks so much about how she wanted to be a young mum and wanting to fall in love. She always had this plan where she would meet The One at about 18 get married at 20 and start having children.

OP posts:

bibbitybobbitybunny · 30/04/2012 14:14

Erm, excuse me ...

Original poster

bibbitybobbity · 30/04/2012 17:39

OP posts:

bibbitybobbitybunny · 30/04/2012 17:44

Its about the name thing ...

Ryma · 30/04/2012 17:46

How old is she?

Ryma · 30/04/2012 17:47

Sorry, did not see you answer... at 25 she still very young))

Original poster

bibbitybobbity · 30/04/2012 17:52

Oh - I didn't notice. Just made it up inspired by Cinderella.

Ryma She is very young (my age! )

OP posts:

bibbitybobbitybunny · 30/04/2012 17:55

Would you ever consider changing it ?

Mine was inspired by a David Bowie song and I have had it for 4 or 5 years ... if we had a chocolate smiley I'd do that for you too!

Original poster

bibbitybobbity · 30/04/2012 18:01

Hmmmmmmmm not sure what to change it too!

Can't say I am overly attached to it!

OP posts:

bigTillyMint · 30/04/2012 18:09

Bibs, I thought you were doing a spoof post

NicholasTeakozy · 30/04/2012 21:08

Hang on, there are two Bibbities?

BIWIWhoMustBeObeyed · 30/04/2012 21:12

I did wonder - I was sure you were not 25, bibbity!

whomovedmychocolate · 01/05/2012 08:10

Surely there are three bibbity posters (or is one of you also bibbitybobbityhat)

BIWIWhoMustBeObeyed · 01/05/2012 09:23

I think bibbitybobbityhat is the Original Bibbity, now posting as bibbitybobbitybunny ....

RoxyRobin · 01/05/2012 10:08

If you were looking for a husband at our church you'd find it hard going. The males are either of pensionable age, or married fathers hoping to get their children into the church school, or under sixteen! Actually, from what I hear, it's a good place for oldsters to acquire another spouse when they've been widowed, but not so for young people.

It's such a shame when someone as lovely as your friend seems destined to be disappointed. You want to grab suitable males and tell them about her virtues. The quiet person in the corner does tend to get overlooked in our society. It's very telling that women feel impelled to advertise themselves as 'bubbly' (gawd help us) in personal ads.

She sounds too gentle for internet dating. My sister has tried this and says you have to have a thick skin.

I don't really know what else you can do, apart from keeping your fingers crossed that a discerning man notices her. I happen to think you are a very caring friend - after all you are not encouraging her into behaving out of caracter in an all-out bid to capture a man, any man.

One thing you might suggest: I don't know if she enjoys country walks, but there are singles clubs which organize this sort of activity. She's more likely to meet a suitable type this way than in the pub. She might even find this through the church - occasionally our parish puts on a bus for a walk with all comers welcome.

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