Please help me to deal with a family situation

[sadwidow28]

I have been a long-time lurker but now need some help...

I am a widow (no children)

My elderly mother (87 years old now) gave me away when I was 3 weeks old to the neighbour down the road. It was a strange set-up... I was taken up and down the street from one home to another so I had a Mam and a 'Mammy Ada'. I had a Dad and a 'Daddy Monty'.

I had great 'adoptive parents' who loved me unconditionally.

I have maintained contact with my biological mother and other siblings over the years but it is becoming more challenging....

Tomorrow I have to travel to NE for a family christening. I am not allowed to stay with family because I have a dog.

I spoke to Mam tonight and .... she won't be in if I arrive in the afternoon as she off out with my eldest sister: I can't take her out for tea because my SIL might arrive: I can't visit her after 8pm because her neighbour will be coming round. (So that is Friday trashed!)

Saturday is the Christening. I am NOT to collect her - she will be going with my elder sister because she thinks DIL and grandson will be with her.

I offered to take her for Sunday lunch - another absolute "No". She thinks she is going for a meal with an elder brother and all his in-laws.

I don't want to travel 4 hours tomorrow and just sit in a hotel room with the dog. Am I being selfish? (Mum is 87 years old)

Gawd no. Save yout time and money and stay at home.

um, why not kennel the dog for future visits? that seems to be an obstacle you have put in place

your family sound a bit odd tbf, you describe them as 'challenging' - can you expand on this? would they be that bothered if you didn't go at all?

fuck em

Yes I'd pit your dog in a kennel and spend some time with your mum

I would write an email or send a letter stating what you have said in your OP.
Why can't you join older bro and inlaws? Or her sil or neighbour? Would they welcome you with open arms if you came without the dog?

She and your other relatives should know why you're not going. You don't feel included - simple as that

Or as Custardo said - fuck em

IMO you won't be at all selfish if you choose to stay in your comfortable home and have a good time with your canine pal instead forking out to travel a considerable distance for the dubious privilege of being treated as if you are non-persona grata by your biological family.

If you're not accustomed to asserting yourself with these people, I would suggest that you simply phone your apologies for non-attendance due to washing said pal unforeseen circumstances or some infectious ailment (flu or vomiting bug) which will present an unacceptable risk to the elderly and infants alike.

Stay home without guilt; and I hope both of you enjoy your weekend.

bloody waste of time.

stay at home and have a lovely weekend with the dog!

5318008 - I explained that I am a widow of 11 years. I live on my own with my dog. I don't see that my dog is an obstacle because I pay to stay in a hotel that accepts dogs so that I can visit my bilogical family. I was explaining why I stay in a hotel (rather than with family). To be honest, even if I didn't have the dog, I don't think any of them would offer me a bed!

I have no idea why I keep contact with this toxic family!

I am thinking about phoning my mother tomorrow and saying that I am not attending the Christening. I have cancelled mysef.

From what you're saying, I tend to agree with you that they would still treat you the same if you left the dog at home.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with a family that doesn't seem to show you any love. That must be very hard.

I am reading your posts - thank you!

tallwivglasses has just made me face reality:

The answer is that "NO they wouldn't welcome me with open arms even if I didn't have the dog"

Why do they keep sending me invitations to family events when they really don't want me around?

God knows, sadwidow, but they're the ones that are missing out. You sound dead nice

For the same reason that some like to pick the wings off flies, or simply for form's sake - no-one can point a finger at them for not including you even though they have no intention of including you in any meaningful way.

Unless you particularly feel so inclined, I don't see any reason why you should explain yourself or do anything other than decline their invitations on some pretext or other and confine them to a card at Christmas and birthdays.

Dog lover here too, and I venture to suggest that your canine pal possesses more social graces than your biological family members.

I do understand why I was given away to the neighbour when I was 3 weeks old. I was the 5th child and should have substituted for an elder sister who died with TB menigitis. Apparently, I didn't fill the terrible void that my mother felt - so a childless neighbour offered to take me.

I had a happy childhood (even though it was a bit confused being taken up and down the road). My siblings didn't know that I was a sibling when I was taken on daily visits to see my biological family. I was taken to visit the 'middle house' every night at 6.30pm

So - the concensus is that I can stop trying to play at 'happy families'.

It seems it never was a particularly 'happy' family, was it? Not your fault and not your problem, honey.

You're best advised to play 'fetch' instead

I was already silently screaming "Don't go!" before the final line of your OP :)

Ada and Monty sound ace. Stick with people who know how to love.

Have a nice weekend! Take your dog somewhere lovely

I used to be able to handle the family when hubby was alive - they loved him and chatted to him at family occasions (and I basked in vicarious attention). But after 11 years on my own, I feel weary.

I do nice things for my biological Mum - I send little unexpected gifts every month. I phone her every 2-3 days. When she is ill, I phone every day.

I don't ask for anything from anyone. I am independent and have found a way to live happily without my late-hubby.

I just find it hard when I am supposed to attend these family occasions - and stay on the periphery.

Thank you for responding ..... I am getting my head round what is happening to me. I have a wedding to attend in June!

Garlicnutter - my Daddy Monty and Mammy Ada died when I was 23 years old. My biological parents invited me back into their family when they died.

But, I just don't fit into the family. I am still 'the kid from the end house'.

Does your biological mum do nice things for you?

Maybe it's time to buy yourself little unexpected gifts every month. Do you have your own dc?

Oh, I'm sorry I missed that about your adoptive parents. You have suffered some painful losses. No wonder it's hard to "lose" the security of a second family, as it were :(

But they're not secure for you and there is little to lose but a pretence, really. I sympathise: my circumstances aren't like yours but I am the family problem/scapegoat/outcast. As such, I definitely do have a role within the group but it's one that serves me badly. I found distancing myself quite painful ... but only briefly! I'm not even sure they've noticed. They invite me to things, I generally refuse and that doubtless allows them to reflect on what a problem I am. Fine

I like izzy's idea of swapping your mum's little presents for your own! Go for it :)

Thank you everyone. I have just managed to cook and eat my first meal in 2 days (pasta and ham/veg in cheese sauce). Yum!

Worry always takes away my appetite. I feel so much calmer having chatted in here.

I am going to bed now and will make a final decision tomorrow. What I do know is..... even if I drive to the NE tomorrow, it will be me and the dog off on a jolly holiday! I will take him to Redcar beach and we will play and have fun. I'll fit any family stuff in at MY convenience - if at all.

Nobody would notice if I don't attend the christening!

izzy - Mum is thoughtful in her own way. She sends me masses on late-hubby's anniversary and at Christmas.

Her phone doesn't seem to work from her end to mine though.

She does buy me gifts but she won't post them because that is too expensive. So, if I go tomorrow, I can collect my Christmas and birthday gifts!

Yayyy!!!!! (NOT)

My sincere apologies; you've said in your OP that you don't have dc.

It seems to me that when you lost your dh, you lost the 'shield' that protected you from the full force of your biological family's hurtful behaviour towards you.

Effectively, you're lttle more than a spectre at the family feast and, even when you're in their company, you're on the outside looking in - which is a very lonely place to be.

Given that your blood relatives don't seem to have any problem treating you in this disparaging and disrespectful manner, I would suggest that you write them off and give thanks that your 'adoptive' parents taught you more inclusive values than you would have learned in the bosom of your family.

I would suggest you cut down on the gifts and the phone calls and use any savings to spoil yourself and your loyal companion. I'll be interested to learn whether your mam notices - and whether she starts calling you.