Please help me to deal with a family situation

[sadwidow28]

I have been a long-time lurker but now need some help...

I am a widow (no children)

My elderly mother (87 years old now) gave me away when I was 3 weeks old to the neighbour down the road. It was a strange set-up... I was taken up and down the street from one home to another so I had a Mam and a 'Mammy Ada'. I had a Dad and a 'Daddy Monty'.

I had great 'adoptive parents' who loved me unconditionally.

I have maintained contact with my biological mother and other siblings over the years but it is becoming more challenging....

Tomorrow I have to travel to NE for a family christening. I am not allowed to stay with family because I have a dog.

I spoke to Mam tonight and .... she won't be in if I arrive in the afternoon as she off out with my eldest sister: I can't take her out for tea because my SIL might arrive: I can't visit her after 8pm because her neighbour will be coming round. (So that is Friday trashed!)

Saturday is the Christening. I am NOT to collect her - she will be going with my elder sister because she thinks DIL and grandson will be with her.

I offered to take her for Sunday lunch - another absolute "No". She thinks she is going for a meal with an elder brother and all his in-laws.

I don't want to travel 4 hours tomorrow and just sit in a hotel room with the dog. Am I being selfish? (Mum is 87 years old)

I cross-posted with you, honey.

Glad to hear you had a satisfying early breakfast and I would encourage you to post here before you starve yourself through worrying over anything again.

It's not going to be beach weather this weekend; why not wait until you can enjoy Redcar beach without raingear and galoshes?

Oh sweetheart. You are a lovable and lovely person, and if your mother and family have been unable to see that, and to treat you in kind, from the day you were born, then it is unlikely that they can change now.

Definitely do all the nice things for you that you would otherwise have done for these unpleasable people. You deserve it.

I highly recommend you read this book, or any of the resources on the Stately Homes thread.

x

Why are you bothering with this woman at all If she gave you away? It's a question rather than judgement

I'm adopted & I had an amazing childhood & an amazing life. I have no feelings good or bad for my birth mother, am simply not-bothered by any of it.

It's an insight I would like to learn.

Kate, Ice had daily contact with her birth family throughout her childhood. It's a whole different set-up, surely? To a large extent, she grew up with two sets of 'parents' - the ones who parented her, and the others - so it's likely she's vulnerable to the misleading sense of emotional obligation which plagues Stately Homers.

Hope your detachment was successful and enjoyable, Ice!

It's something i don't think i'll ever understand, why adopted people feel some kind of attachment to their natural parents. Im not trying to sound horrible, i just don't get it.

I understand in this situation is different, but surely if they aren't treating you as they should, then is it really worth persuing and trying to make her happy when she gave you up in the first place?

Kate, here are the way the emotional mechanics work for a lot of people in this situation. The vulnerable child thinks:

• My parent has abondoned me/hurt me. Why would they do that?

• A parent is a godlike figure who cannot be wrong. Therefore it must be my fault. I have been abandoned/treated poorly because I am unlovable.

• Maybe if I'm perfect, I can win their love back and erase this dreadful pain of feeling unlovable.

Unless they are consciously examined and understood, these feelings can last a lifetime and affect that person's relationships throughout their whole life.

sadwidow28 - for you -

sadwidow Your posts have really moved me. Your biological family have behaved appallingly and continue to do so. I'm in awe that you sound so accepting and non-resentful of the circumstances of your birth and upbringing.

I wish you every happiness now and in the future, with your dog and, perhaps, if it feels right, with a partner who cares for your deeply and cherishes you as you deserve (and as your late husband clearly did).

Here's some more

How did it go, OP?