DH works ridiculously long hours & it's p'ing me off

[andtheyalllivedhappilyafter]

this is more of a rant, but would be interested in others views: On a normal day DH leaves the house between 6 and 7am and rarely home before 10pm, sometimes 11pm..this is just work in the office, not entertaining. i know he is there as he calls me from there regularly and i trust him (as much as you can ever trust a man i guess!) ..he is working towards a promotion and there is a lot of carrots dangling financially for him...i am sure many others are in the same boat too as the workplace seems to ring every last drop out of employees now more than ever. but how do others feel about it? I'm torn. we are saving towards buying a house as currently renting after selling a small flat we had outgrown...and he is hugely driven by financial and personal career success - i know he love his job and is very ambitious. which is lovely for him, but we have 2 children under 5...they barely see him. even when he is home he is distracted and i know he's thinking about work a lot even at weekends. aside from that we barely see each other as i like to go to bed early (10ish) in order to cope with the children (who are often up in night and usually up by 6am each day) ..he was made redundant a couple of years back and i think he is obviously terrified of this happening again which i understand. so he has lots of reasons to give everything to work. but i'm getting increasingly p'd off with it. i have no choice but to sit in every night..as i work for myself a couple of days and spend rest of the time with children this means i get quite lonely. i come from a family where my dad worked to live and was always home by 5pm - different times i guess, but it frustrates me that my DH is giving so much of his precious life to a company...

Hi
I am sitting here night after night with my dp working. He left the house at 8.30 and I am sure he won't be back before midnight ... He is self employed and has a job on that needs doing quickly. He will be working Sat and most of Sunday - it sucks. I have 2 kids 4 & 7 and luckily it isn't like this all the time but it is getting more regular. I hate that stuck in feeling too

Can't blame you, but worryingly few men realise what's truly important in life.

There may be an issue that you may be making him feel pressured into working as you want the house etc? If you were happy renting, would he still be there?

It sounds as if he is a workaholic. This is actually a mental health condition which can be treated. He should ask his GP to refer him for CBT.

He may be a workaholic, Fairenuff, or he may be under pressure from his employers.

Many employers expect their employees to be available pretty much 24/7 and for their work to take absolute priority over everything else. The department that deals with the staff isn't called "Human Resources" for nothing.

And these days it's not easy to get another job if you want out.

Speak from bitter experience? Moi?

he certainly has 'aholic' tendencies so tbh i prefer its work rather than other things...

i am certainly not pressuring him re the house, couldn't care less...his boss DIED last year, age 40, from cancer. I am convinced the stress he was under contributed. He's left a baby and wife who never saw him due to work then he literally was gone forever. Another guy in his company retired on the Friday and dropped dead on the Sunday. I hate this corporate pressure, it makes me so angry. Just because they see someone with ambition and potential they dangle carrots and then work them to the bone...

I'm not surprised you're fed up. A couple of thoughts - if you were working full time, do you think he would feel less pressure as far as being the breadwinner goes? If so, it might be worth explaining that you don't care about the house, and that you would get by in the event of redundancy or non promotion.

If it is his aholic tendencies, maybe that is something you should discuss, you don't want him burning out.

I'm so sorry. I don't blame you for hating this, it's awful.

I would personally not want to live this way in a million years. For us, we are pretty skint, have a small flat, etc, but we do have a lot of time together and a fairly relaxed life. It's a tradeoff not many people want to make, but it is possible.

It sounds like you and your DH have completely different priorities and wants right now. It doesn't matter so much who is 'right', I mean you will find women on MN who seem totally happy with their workaholic spouses, but what matters is that you are not in agreement.

I think the deciding factor for me would be the DC. If it continues like this they will have no relationship with him. What a terrible waste that would be.

Have you told him exactly how you feel?

I suppose what might make a difference is how long term this is likely to be. Is it a few months of really hard work then get a promotion and relax a bit, shorter hours and more home time? If so then I think it is worth it provided he knows he cannot keep this up forever. If however it is looking like it is going to be for the next 10 years then I think you have to say something. Work is just not worth it

It isn't easy. My DP is away from Sun late or Monday, until late Fri. So, I don't see him all week...

When my Xstbh and I were together, he was also a truck driver, but stopped when we moved in together...

I'm getting us to it....but we also don't have children together. (my DP and I)

If it's a short term thing for the next few months, then you can both grit your teeth and get through it, especially if that promotion means a lot.

If it's a long-term thing though and he's committed to working these kinds of hours for the rest of his career, regardless of how high up the greasy pole he gets, then you'll need to have a talk with him. As your kids get older, they're going to miss having him around more and if that's important to you then you'll definitely need to get him to find a more middle ground between career and family.

My DH is working long hours at the moment in a new job, his dream job. We've moved overseas for it, where I'm not allowed to work, so I'm full-time at home with DS (who is just 6 mths so don't mind it so much). We have agreed that this is just for a year or two and then we're going to review and see how we feel. I'm definitely not prepared to be a SAHM for more than a year or two so that's a deal breaker.

Such is the stuff of married life - I hope for your sake that he gets his promotion and life calms down a bit but if this is a more permanent set-up then you'll both have to have a talk.

I don't know how you can improve your situation andtheyall

My H was driven and ambitious. He spent little time with the family, was away a lot on business and slept until lunchtime at the weekends. Work took a toll on his health so we moved closer to London to lessen journey times. He was then offered a job back in his home town and he said it would mean working less hours. It didn't.

I know now that he worked more and more hours to avoid coming home to me. Not suggesting this is the motivation for your H but I simply wasn't worth it. He eventually found someone else.

I would have forgone the money for companionship and family life. Money does not in any way compensate - although I realise it makes some of life easier and that money troubles can be utterly traumatic.

I agree that if this is a time-limited thing for a real promotion and genuine financial reward, it might be worth it for a while.

But it's no way to live indefinitely, particularly if the "carrots" are on a moving stick that will always be just out of reach.

His personal ambition does not create an obligation for you to be trapped at home.

You definitely need to talk about this and what the plan is long-term. Sadly, I do know people who have worked like this not only for a few months but decades, up until their children have left home to go to university and beyond. They missed out on so much. You can't assume that it is going to ease off or get better if this is how your husband wants to live. It won't happen by itself.

Perhaps you could ask him whether he has timescales on these kind of hours? I was in the same position with Mr Choo for years, while he worked ridiculous hours and weekends while I sat at home with a small baby ( who wasn't a good sleeper so I didn't like to take her out in the evenings). Now he is in a different position in the same career and even has the occasional morning off during the week (when I make him look after the new baby while I go to Zumba). But i wouldn't have accepted the old hours (80+ a week plus commuting of 15 - 20) for ever.

if you want a deposit for the house, and he wants progression, he has to put in the hours. i think it's a little hard on him to be annoyed that he's working so hard to provide for you guys, especially as it sounds like he's the major breadwinner in your household. plus i'm sure (hope) he gets tonnes of overtime pay (?)

huge caveat though : he shouldn't be doing this for too long. a couple of months tops. if not, the carrot will get moved and like you've said, they'll just continually expect more from him - and if he decreases his hours the carrot will turn into a stick, complaining that "he used to work 6-11, what's the problem now?).

he needs an end goal or a timeframe to say "you know what, it is going to happen by x or i'm working 9-5 again"

good luck to you. try not to be too hard on him though.

thanks all... i wondered if here were any women out there who truly didn't mind this kind of lifestyle...but from the sample of replies it looks like not many.

good point crest about the carrot turning into the stick...i'll try to have a chat with him at the weekend.

i actually work 3 days a week, but very flexibly for myself from home. in fact better get on now!

My h was like this too. WMD- my experience exactly.

They work this hard because they want to. It is about lack of self esteem and undealt with issues in themselves.

They usually have the 'aholic' tendencies as well- in case of my h, it was 'passionate interests', as he used to term his many consuming hobbies when he was here. Of course, that finally led to another one, namely collecting hundreds of women on the net for sex conversations, which he denied for years.

And now he says it was how he dealt with the work related stress. Because, if work is good, that is how they get their 'fix'. If it is bad, eg the dangled carrot doesnt work out this time (that happened to my h on a couple of projects) they need it from elsewhere. He times the OW starting to work project he didnt get.

I have lived your lonely life, once. It will continue for as long as you let it.

Look at it this way- and please take away the 'he is doing it just for us/money blindfold just to consider this- he is intent on meeting his needs, but quite able to ignore those of you and the children.

Sorry if that is harsh, but I would give anything to help another woman avoid what I went through, and you are already getting there. It gets WAY worse when you finally see, years down the line of lost family occasions, that it wasnt this reason or that, this job/project/boss or the other, it was just him and his own needs.

Show him this:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

I work for a large corporate company within a team that has MASSIVE tarets to hit this year ad not one of my team work these kind of hours, what on earth needs doing at 11pm at night? and how on earth is anyone actually productive at that time after a 6/7am start?

If I sent an email at 11pm or 6am and it was marked urgent I have no doubt it would be answered but from the guys BB/Iphone, they are not physically sat in an office.

Is there any way your DH could do a bit of work from home in the evenings if he is that busy? At least then he could maybe eat with you all and be around for the childrens bedtime/in the house so you could go out?

My DH has just taken a huge promotion and has to work longer hours but he does them mainly from our lounge so at least eveyone feels like he is still part of the family.

could you suggest similar as a starting point?

I also agree with LisaD that few people can a) work productively during those hours and b) is everyone else really working this hard?

I know it's bad in big corporations, but really, I know people who work in banks, or as GP's or in large companies and none of them leave home at 6am and return at 11pm for years on end. They may do this for a short period, for a short-term goal, but not long-term and most would get recognition for this. My friends in the City leave at 6am, but even they are in by 7/8pm a few days a week (a couple of evening socializing is normal).

I suspect your husband likes being at work, he sounds like he is either deeply worried or just a workaholic. My husband was a bit like this, so I actually worked out what I thought was a reasonable schedule, in our case it was two evenings a week home by 7 (leaving 3 to stay til 11 or whatever) and one whole day on the weekend doing family things. This was not a lot, but it's more than you have right now!

I also would speak to him about what is going on and why he's not even 'present' on weekends (my guess would be exhaustion and burnout from his ridiculous working week). If you had a great relaxing time then, it would help you cope with the week.

Why not properly talk with him, book a restaurant and a babysitter or ask a friend a favour and really find out what's going on. After all, if he's getting exhausted and less efficient, he may find his hard work isnt' going to be rewarded anyway.

If he is really working these hours then he is not productive, so his actions are actually sabotaging his career. No-one can be productive or creative with that workstyle.

IME work is often used as an excuse when the truth is that the person is emotionally unavailable and doesn't want to spend time with loved ones.

My DH used to be like this.

He worked similar hours for about 10 years. There was always another promotion to be had. It was a very up or out culture. The older children probably suffered in that he never was around for bedtimes and rarely able to make school concerts etc .

Tbh it didn't really bother me. I could see the longer term, and it felt sensible that one of us took a back seat in our careers.

Now he has achieved his goal. He is a partner in the firm and can pick and choose his hours. We have no financial worries and I think he has a good work life balance.

I think it depends on a lot of factors, age, prospects etc I think it can be done for a few years but not the whole of your working life.

I know how you feel.
My husband works exactly the same hours, and often at weekends too. I am a SAHM with two homeschooled kids (I'm expecting n°3) and I am exhausted. The worst part is that DH is a builder and on a very low pay, but jobs are so scarce at the moment that he has no choice. Our car is 15yo, we can't afford new clothes, days out or holidays.

I would be concerned too.

Hatty talks about the possibility that your H may be avoiding family life. I do not want to worry you but my H worked silly hours not long after he began an affair, mainly because he could not face being at home with us, pretending all was well and also because he was taking afternoons off work to meet OW and had to make up the hours.

Five also has a point when she says that being a workaholic is often more about meeting his own needs.

DH is out from 7 - 9 or 10 pm most week nights and we have 3 DCs, but I'm going to swim against the current here and say it's fine.

You have to work out what it is that's bothering you about it and change that part. Do you think your DH is under lots of pressure and that might impact his health? Are you lonely? Do you think he's missing out on your DC's growing up?

The reason it works for us is that DH is completely hands on at the weekend. The DCs get most of his time and we get a baby sitter and go out so we get time together too.